my son on his own

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by standswithcourage, Aug 27, 2007.

  1. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Obviously - but that was the only place he had to go - it sounds crazy and it creates more problems. My husband just told him he probably could not ever come back home - I just dont get it. They have no phone either. Maybe I can get him a bike for his birthday. It still is a long way to anywhere. We will have to help him but it is unnerving. I dont know why all of this is just insane. My daughter calls and says she needs more money for the wedding - her fiance is about to get demoted from manager of a bank to asst. manager - It all makes me sick.
     
  2. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    No I am not kidding! Help me out on this. Be truthful even if it hurts! :hammer:
     
  3. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    One stupid question -- why do you have to help him? He's not a kid, he's 24. He made his choices. He's stuck living them.

    I'd have a lot more sympathy if you hadn't told us he blamed his dad for his predicament. That went over like a ton of bricks.

    Here's my message to your child: Gee, kid, you made your parents miserable. Your mother is agonizing over you daily, more like hourly, but we'll leave it at daily. You manipulate her left, right and inside out. At 24 you're supposed to be a man. Be one! Don't be a little boy asking mommy to help you out. See if you can find a ride with someone for your meetings. Talk to your probation officer on your own and see what can be worked out for probation meetings. Prove you can do it on your own and then watch mom be proud of you. Listen to her brag about how far you've gone all on your own.

    Here's my message to you: If you have some extra money to help with the wedding and you want to do more, feel free to give it. Weddings rarely are cheaper than planned. However, if you can't or don't feel right doing it, then help your daughter downsize her wedding. It's not the end of the world. One of the most beautiful weddings and most definitely the most enjoyable reception was held at a public park. The bridesmaids wore handmade floral skirts with Laura Ashley blouses. It was a beautiful spot by a pond and the skirts and tops fit the setting perfectly. The reception was basically a picnic with a dj at the park. Everyone had a ball!

    Let your son grow up. It's going to be hard. You can love him and hate his decisoins and actions. What you can't do is live for him or take the blame for him. He has to do that. Sadly, this is one of those he made his boat and will have to live in it.

    Hopefully, someone will come along who can say what I want to say better than I can. For now, understand that you have my sympathy. Your son has none.
     
  4. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    OK, being truthful here.


    AAARGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!


    NONONONONOONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO!!!

    Here is what I think is bothering you. You want him better and living in a nice house RIGHT NOW. He can't. He has GOT to go through this. You ask how is he supposed to better himself living in a dump, blah blah blah? Give him time, he's only been working 2 days. He is better now than he was when he first moves into the place. It is a LONG process for him to better himself, and if you keep doing it for him, he will keep expecting it. He has to learn to do it himself.

    HE is blaming you guys!!! Meowbunny is right, I might have a drop of sympathy for him, but he is BLAMING YOU GUYS for HIS problems. And he is not a 17 or 18 year old kid. He is TWENTY-FOUR. Come on. He needs to man up.

    When he starts this crap, and that's all it is, crap, tell him that you have to go. You do not need to take the verbal abuse from him. As long as it continues, he has not learned a thing.

    You have really got to let go. I don't know what else to say to convince you that NOT enabling him is BENEFITTING him.

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: meowbunny</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Here's my message to your child: Gee, kid, you made your parents miserable. Your mother is agonizing over you daily, more like hourly, but we'll leave it at daily. You manipulate her left, right and inside out. At 24 you're supposed to be a man. Be one! Don't be a little boy asking mommy to help you out. See if you can find a ride with someone for your meetings. Talk to your probation officer on your own and see what can be worked out for probation meetings. Prove you can do it on your own and then watch mom be proud of you. Listen to her brag about how far you've gone all on your own.</div></div>

    I'd write that in a letter and pin it too his :censored2:. Or tattoo it on his forehead. Or get him a plaque or something. Please, you are making yourself miserable over this. You should be happy and joyous with your daughter.

    Stop allowing him to lay the guilt trip on you.
     
  5. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    OK my friends!!!!! You made your point. I know - how can he blame anything on us - he blames the fact thata they found him passed out on the sidewalk on us because we wouldnt let him stay at home after he got out of jail! OMG! Anyway - I am going to my daughter so she can cut my hair and I will enjoy it! Best wishes to you. Ill be back!!! :smile:
     
  6. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    SWC,

    What does your 17 yr old easy child do when you are so stressed all the time?

    Do you think this has an affect on him?

    Do you think he deserves a safe, calm, loving home to live in? After all, he is doing what he is supposed to do, right?

    It has been my experience that easy child's will suffer in silence rather than cause parents more grief.

    My easy child is still in therapy. She took the 'fix-it' role in our home. She is in therapy to unlearn her coping skills she had to have to live in our home with a depressed frantic mother and a silent husband and an out of control brother.

    My strength came from my easy child ~ she deserved to have a whole mom


    Traci
     
  7. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    You are right. I have taken my 17 yr old to counseling before. Now he has taken his Dads attitude that enough is enough and he doesnt have much sympathy at all. When my difficult child comes home my 17 yr old dreads it. My difficult child always has some drama that he can do nothing about unless we help him. Rides to work, to probation, to doctors, to GED classes, drug classes, etc. It is insane. When he comes home and starts all the stuff he needs to do it just sends me because I want him to be able to do positive things for him but at the same time I cannot provide all the transportation he needs. Living at home creates more stress for everyone because we hear it all the time. Yes - my easy child 17 yr old does not need all this. My husband and I discussed this - that is one of the reasons my difficult child is not here.
     
  8. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Susan

    The post in the "Teens & Substance Abuse" forum (that you said that maybe you should take the advice) was written to you. It was addressed to SWC, that is your shortened nickname, LOL.

    Read it again. You need to take a stand with difficult child. If he keeps coming over and causing drama, your 17 year old son is going to resent him, and very soon, he will resent you.

    Sunny Florida is right. He is a grown man and can get around without your help. So let him. That should not be an issue. So If you tell him look, we are not going to take you places, stop asking, and MEAN it when you say it...then you can cut down on the drama at your home. You and your family don't need it. It was not you guys in jail. It is not you guys on probation.

    He needs to be a man and handle his business. Let him.
     
  9. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Even though your difficult child is out of the home, are you there?

    I know physically you are but, emotionally, are you there for your 17 yr old?

    Do you think that you can be the mom that he needs if you are consumed by your grown son's actions?

    Is he going to college? Does he have his goals set for after school?
     
  10. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    SWC - difficult child can ride a bike, take a bus, walk, hitchhike. difficult child can learn to schedule multiple appts in one day, learn to take a class online. difficult child can learn to multitask. difficult child can learn what happens if he doesn't have dental care, doctors care, doesn't go to probation. difficult child is 24 and not mentally deficient. difficult child has the ability to work, think, act, and face consequences. difficult child chooses to use and difficult child must choose not to use if difficult child wants assistance from family.

    Do to get. keep saying this, do to get, say it over and over along with the serenity prayer.

    ***I posted this for you in the Teens/SA forum** :smile:

    Please ask yourself why do you want to shoulder everyone's problems? You will feel much stronger, much more in control, and your homelife will be much happier and calmer if you just repeat, "we didn’t cause it, can’t cure it, and can’t control it. We begin to learn the basic Al-Anon premise of taking our focus off of the alcoholic and keeping the focus on ourselves."

    This might help too.
    http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/info2/a/aa981225.htm
     
  11. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">When my difficult child comes home my 17 yr old dreads it. </div></div>

    I think that is your answer right there. My easy child also suffered due to the difficult child chaos in our home.

    Your difficult child is 24 years old. Unless he has some mental illness that makes it impossible for him to function independently, he needs to live on his own. Maybe it's time for him to move somewhere where there is public transportation.

    Adopt your husband's point of view.

    ~Kathy
     
  12. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    How do I know if he is mentally ill? I dont believe he is. It is sad that I dont really think he needs to be at his sisters wedding. I know he just probably wants the free booze and that worries me and her. I really dont want him to feel left out but what can I do? I know I need to think about her at this time. She has had issues with him before - even though they shared some of the same "friends" about 5 years ago she has moved on to big and better and he is still right where he was - maybe not quite as bad. I just wonder how long this can go on. Pray for him on his court date of Sept. 5 - i dont want him to go back to jail for disorderly conduct - his birthday is Sept. 6. He has been in jail on his birthday before. this is horrible!
     
  13. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    He is not mentally ill. He is a drug addict. One who refuses to admit he has a problem.

    Talk to your daughter and get her feelings on her brother attending the wedding. It is ultimately her decision. If she wants him there and he acts up, he would need to be asked to leave. If she does not want him there, that is her perrogative and entirely her right. Not her fault that her brother decided to act up right when she is getting married.

    At this point, and I said this before, it might not be the worst thing in the world if your son does go back to jail. Maybe it will take this for him to hit bottom. I will pray for him, but not that he stays out of jail. I will pray that God's will be done.
     
  14. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    The courtdate is for his disorderly conduct charge right?

    This is the charge he blamed you for because you wouldn't let him come home right?

    You have got to let go of the guilt you feel. He chose to do what he did, that would not have been your choice for him, but he is making his own choices.

    Blaming you for his mistakes let's you know he is not ready to change.

    Being put in jail may be a wake up call for him. He needs to see that continuing to make the bad decisions he makes will put him where he doesn't want to be.

    There has to be consequences for his actions, if you continue to help him he will never learn to stand on his own two feet.

    Things happen for a reason, maybe if he is in jail you and your daughter won't have to worry about him coming to the wedding and you won't be so worried about where he is living and you can be there for your daughter.

    As far as being in jail on his b'day, I agree that is hard to swallow yet, my son turned 17 in juvie, he turned 18 in juvie, and now he will turn 19 in adult jail.

    You will survive it. My son being in jail has been a blessing. He is finally taking responsibility for his actions and seeing that he can't continue down the same path.

    As long as I was bailing him out of trouble and giving him chance after chance to make a change by 'helping' him along ~I WAS CRIPPLING HIM TO CONTINUE THE SAME PATH HE WAS GOING DOWN, NOT UNTIL I TOTALLY LET GO DID HE WAKE UP.

    It is in the deepest maternal love possible that you gain the strength to let them fall down.

    It is much harder to step back than it is to reach out a hand, yet you have to let them fall so that they will have a chance to live...


    Traci
     
  15. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    "It is in the deepest maternal love possible that you gain the strength to let them fall down.

    It is much harder to step back than it is to reach out a hand, yet you have to let them fall so that they will have a chance to live..."

    Wow ... those are some profound words Traci. I may have to put them in my book of quotes.


     
  16. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Thank you all so much! I needed to hear that. He doesnt seem as concerned about it as I am. I know he cannot come home. My husband hair stands on end when he walks through the door. The karma is not good. We will see what happens. All this insanity is nuts. No car, no place to stay close to work, no structure during the day just sit around and drink is what he said, I just dont understand why he wants to continue it. I will not allow him to come home even if he gets kicked out of where he is. He said he smoked pot last night and that he was going to tell his probation officer that it was already in his system and that on his birthday Sept. 6 he was going to stop. Yeah, right. I have heard that all before. I will keep you posted. All I told him was that he'd better watch what he was doing. Nothing more. I practiced detaching and that I could not control anyones decisions. I kept saying over in my head.
     
  17. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I dont think I am standing with courage very well lately. Here is the dilema. I have a full time teaching job - my husband has a full time engineering job - ok -our difficult child has all these meetings to go to - probation, vocational rehab, drug classes, GED classes, etc. right now he lives in the woods - however his friend can find a way to work because the people that take him "like" him - the bus does not come out there nor even where we live - so my husband took off this morning to take him to probation, go back and get his work clothes and take him to work - I picked him up when I got off my job - took him to the dentist to get an Xray and they told us he needed his wisdom tooth removed to the tune of $600. not to mention todays visit - I do have a daughter getting married!!!!!! I cannot afford all this - tomorrow he goes to court at 9 am my husband will be taking him to that - where does this end - there is no way he could walk to probation - I like my job and need it - he comes in today wanting us to let himi stay home tonight because he has court in the am - however he has already said he wants to smoke pot because it is almost his birthday! Everyday is almost his birthday! This is crazy. What is medicaid? Does anyone know? I feel like calling his probation officer and telling him the transportation situation. Any advice. :grrr:
     
  18. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    You and your husband should only do for things for your son that you can do happily. You should not be operating out of guilt or his manipulations.

    Your son, though still your son is a GROWN MAN. He is an ADULT.

    As long as you and your husband continue to do for him, he will NEVER do for himself.

    Obviously he has not learned respect for you and your home. If my son wanted to stay in my house and 'smoke pot because it's almost his birthday' I would politely show him the door. I might add my foot on the way out that door.

    His teeth are HIS problem. If he needs Medicaid (and I doubt he would qualify) let him pursue it.

    If he is resourceful enough to find drugs/drug money ...then he's resourceful enough to figure the essentials out for himself.

    Let me add that I am all for helping our kids out. I still support my almost 22 year old son who is a full time student. I still help out my 19 year old daughter with diapers and a few groceries now and then. Helping our kids is OK when they are making every effort to help themselves.
     
  19. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    that is what my husband says. However, my son went to court today for his public disorderly conduct charge that happened the day he got out of jail because we would not let him stay at home. We told him from the get go after jail he could not come home anyway, they fined him again $400. The police man said he was partly in the road drunk and had some kind of narcotics on him. It is a wonder he didnt get run over. I kinda feel guilty now since he probably might not have done that if we would have let him stay here but every other time we have and nothing good has ever come out of it. Soooooooo I understand where you are coming from about him helping himself - sometimes it just seems so impossible. thanks for the encouragement. I need it. :crazy2:
     
  20. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Oh come ON...

    he might not have done that if you had let him stay with you?? Those are the lines of baloney that he is feeding you, and you are buying it!

    He might not have been passed out drunk IF HE HAD GONE INTO REHAB! End of story. He has another option. Right? He goes into rehab? He gets rides where he needs to go? Aww, poor baby has to stop using drugs. Too bad.

    STOP doing things for him.