my son on his own

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by standswithcourage, Aug 27, 2007.

  1. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Here, I read this on another post. Print this out 50 times, and hang them all over your house.

    Letting Go Takes Love
    To let go does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.
    To let go is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another.
    To let go is not to enable, but allow learning from natural consequences.
    To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
    To let go is not to try and change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.
    To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
    To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
    To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
    To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their destinies.
    To let go is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality.
    To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
    To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
    To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
    To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
    To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
    To let go is to fear less and love more.
    Remember: The time to love is short
    (author unknown)

    (hugs) you can do this!!
  2. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Well I just picked him up from work. He said he wanted to talk to me andhis dad. He says he needs drug help. He doesnt know what to do. He didnt ask for money first. I told him to go to Turning Point where they could take him where he needed to go. He has to be at work tomorrow at 12 noon. I told him he needs to find a way. I also told him I hear his words but until I see action I cannot believe him. He will have to wait until his dad gets here and we will talk. No telling what it will be about. It all seems so nice if you know what I mean. We will see. I think the only option is for him to go to a place. Actually Turning Point is not a rehab it is a halfway house. You still have to be disciplined and I dont know if he is or not. I told him that my easy child son is the most important part of this family right now - we will see. :crazy2:
  3. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Do yourself a favor and print out what big bad kitty posted above. I printed it, laminated it and kept it on my refrigerator where I could see it daily for a long long time. Everytime you start kicking yourself for "not helping him", read it. That and the serenity prayer will help you more then anything.
  4. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Well he is back in the house for the moment. He got his job back at the restuarant where he worked before the last stint in jail. It was a good 40hr. a week job. The manager helps young people that are on probation try to turn their lives around. He is giving him another chance. I hope it works out. My difficult child told them he might need a place to live. I hope someone there that is doing the right thing can help him. It unnerves me for him to come home. Today is his birthday. Our paychecks havent gone in the bank yet and so we celebrated with pizza and chicken wings! I am just glad he is still alive. Please keep praying for our situation. I dont think it is a good idea for him to be home. We run our legs off taking him to his job, etc. I emailed his manager and told him that - I think he knows it. Thanks for listening.
  5. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    "I don't think it is a good idea for him to be home"

    With all due respect stands ... then why in the heck have you allowed him to return to your home???

    "We run our legs off taking him to his job, etc."

    Big mistake!!!

    "I emailed his manager and told him that".

    Your son is 24 years old and you are contacting his boss???? OMG.

    stands ... with all due respect ... you need to get into a support group ... or find a parenting mentor ... or a good family therapist.

    Have you ever heard the definition of INSANITY???? Repeating the same behaviors and expecting different outcomes.

    Someone around here used to say "If you always do what you always did ... you'll always get what you always got". Truer words have never been spoken.

    You and your husband continue to enable your grown adult son ... and expect that he is going to take responsibility for his own life. Hon .... it's not gonna change until YOU do the changing.
  6. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Not gonna second guess your letting him return home--its YOUR life, BUT I would be sure I had a safe and everything of value, including checks and car keys locked up and away from view of your son. What is he spending his paycheck on? If he is living with you he can pay rent.....he would be paying it elsewhere.....Seems he would have little expense with living at home and he could save up to go into a rehab....that is if he wants to put his money where his mouth is.....

    If he doesn't want to save for rehab how about buying a bike or moped for his own transportation?
  7. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I knkow - I am sitting here wondering how crazy I am. I know it is my fault. Yesterday he went to his old boss and tried to get his job back. His boss told him then he would have hired him if he had an ID on him. Told him he needed a haircut and etc. well my difficult child comes back to the car and says he hired me back and was so excited. So today my husband took him to get an ID my difficult child paid for it and he got his hair cut and shaved his mustache, etc. and I took him up to his old job and the guy said he had hired someone else for the position and that if he needed someone if would have to be on short notice and for him to hang loose but to try and find another job somewhere else for the time being - sooooooo who is going to hire him - he has 2 felonies - so dumb me stayed home this weekend instead of going to my husband mothers house in TN because we thought we had to take him to work I am soooooooo stupid. I want to give him every jopportunity to succeed. Now here I am - bored - so is my difficult child he is trying to find someone to get drunk with - i told him he couldnt come back home - i was going out - this is insane - i have worked all day too - did not pass one of my teacher tests - but I have a year to pass it so I am kinda disappointed in that - I know my difficult child was disappointed - he said he wanted to go to work and was going to get him some slick resistant shoes - I feel for him - he could still go to Turning Point but he doesnt want to be locked up where he cant have a beer after work but his idea of that is to drink a 12 pack! I know you guys are getting tired of hearing me - I thought this was going to be better - actually someone at the work last night said he could move in there with him - OMG - what should I do????????? :surprise:
  8. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

  9. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Well I went to a friends house tonight and out to eat. My difficult child left and said he probably would not be here tonight he was going to get drunk. It worries me because of everything else that could happen. Sooooooo I am here knowing i cant do anything about it. That I should have been with my husband. I dont really know what to do anymore. I dont know what my post will be now. I feel just like i am in the middle of nowhere.
  10. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member


    Where is your husband with all of this? Does he think that your son should be living home.

    You know the old saying that there is strength in numbers. Pull yourselves together ... and do what you know is right. Draw support and strength from each other.
  11. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    My husband does not think he needs to be living at home. He is using the last ounce of help he can muster up I know. It is hard for him even to help him at all. He wants the best for him and tries to pick him up when he falls off the bike - if you know what I mean but after the same thing happens over and over it is hard - my difficult child was disappointed yesterday when the guy said he couldnt hire him then - myhusband and difficult child had gone to get his ID etc and think he was going to work - my difficult child said he hates to disappoint us - I told him he would probably get the job but the guy wants to know how serious he is about it - I felt bad for him but he didnt want to stay around home - he wanted to go drown his sorrows - that worries me - i havent heard from him today - i have got lots to do - i guess i will go do it - trying to figure out solutions so our lives want be so chaotic is exhausting - i dont know why I keep trying - that is insanity!!!
  12. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat


    OK, now I am going to use the last ounce of help that I can muster up to help YOU. After this, I am not sure what more I can do.

    You came here with a problem. Everyone jumped on board with hugs, understanding, and advice. The advice you received was pretty consistent. Your son is grown, and he is not your problem. You should not let him live with you. You do not have to take off work to drive him around. In fact, why are you driving him anywhere? It is not your fault that he is in this position, no matter what he says to you. He is trying to manipulate you. Stop allowing him to destroy the family unit until and unless he wishes to participate. If he is drinking and using, he is not participating. Detach, let him FALL, and let him hit bottom, so that he can get help.

    Every other day, you were here asking what you should do. Nobody ever changed their mind and said "you know what, just let him stay."

    And what is going on now?? He is there, you are worried about a grown man being drunk, and your husband is in another state without you. You say you go to AlAnon. Do you tell them what you are doing? What do they say to you?

    The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting a different result. You said you don't know why you keep trying. Guess what. Neither do I.

  13. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> i have got lots to do - i guess i will go do it - trying to figure out solutions so our lives want be so chaotic is exhausting </div></div>

    I echo BBK's wisdom, Susan.

    Your son is 24 and doesn't seem to be any farther along in the maturation process than he probably was at 16 or 18. Sometimes you need to create a calculated crisis (NOT chaos) to enact change. It sounds like your son needs some heavy duty natural consequences to go the next step.

    Tend to your life, your life with husband and your life with easy child. Your son needs to have his own life, independent of yours. It's a gift you give him.

  14. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Sorry, I don't get it. You've asked us what you should do, we've told what we thought, what we had done, what seemed to make a difference, what was the worst choice we had made.

    You make your choice. Whether we agree or not is irrelevant. However, what your husband is feeling is not. What your easy child is feeling is not.

    I think you need to take good, long, hard look at what is happening. Are your choices helping anyone? Are they making even the remotest difference to your son? It keeps him safe from general harm but leaves him to drink, drug, whatever he chooses.

    I'll hold your hand and give you comfort if your son goes into rehab. Until then, I'm not convinced anyone can be of much help since you're willing to keep living the old way and letting your son destroy himself. I hope things work out for you and your family but I doubt it as long as rehab doesn't happen. Good luck!
  15. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Thanks! Always thanks for giving me your advice. I know he wont be coming home to live because my husband wont let him. I will take the advice that I have been given at this site and use it. I appreciate each one of your time to give me advice. It sure has helped even though it might not seem like it. My hope is that he will want to go into rehab. I will keep praying for Gods will and that He will carry me through whatever his will is.
  16. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    And I think you need to give yourself a break for a minute.

    When we find ourselves parenting kids who just will not behave in a normal fashion, we have to reach deeper than we ever knew to find the strength to do what has to be done to help the child ~ whether the child is 24, like your son, or 32, like mine.

    Stop condemning yourself for not knowing how to parent someone who is using drugs. NO ONE COULD DO THIS RIGHT. Before your son can reclaim his life, he has to want to reclaim it. YOU CANNOT GIVE THAT TO HIM.

    You really cannot help your son except by condemning him for what he is doing. Do not excuse him, or love him so much that you refuse to see what he is doing to himself. He is his own worst enemy right now. I know how hard it is to tell them they cannot simply move home.

    Try this instead: Tell him the truth.

    Think about it first, and then blast him out of the water.

    How DO you feel about a child who is so unappreciative of the sacrifice of your life that he is behaving this way? (And you DID sacrifice your life ~ we all did, or we would not be here now, wondering what went wrong.) I am talking about all the gifts, all the thought and love and cherishing and hope you put into this child. I am talking about the way he smelled when he was a baby and you put him to bed, and the way he shined for you when you saw him walking. I am talking genetic gifts like appearance and intelligence, and gifts of time and love like breastfeeding and soccer practices and PTA and all the other things you may have done in your life when you might have done something else.



    There is nothing more that I need to say, SWC.

    You know how you feel about what your son is doing with himself, already.

    Until you tell him so, he will assume (because he wants to) that at some level you approve of what he is doing.


    He will not thank you for this.

    But it will change him.

    For so many of us here on PE, the truth is that we will never help our children use drugs. We will never support them in that drug using identity. We will never again pretend that we do not see what we see and know what we know.

    You are one decision from freedom and joy, SWC.

    It is going to take time before your son believes you mean it. It is not easy to do this. There is no shortcut. It will hurt you to do this. Your child will hate you for it. There will be many times you will hate yourself.

    You did not ask for this. None of us did. None of us ever expected that something like this could happen to our kids.

    But it did.

    Your son is using (by admission) pot and alcohol. I would bet that he is using lots of other things, as well.

    It helps me to envision my son as trapped inside the addicted person he seems to be on the outside.

    And you know? Every so often, I DO see my son in there.

    And THAT is who I have relationship with.

    And I want nothing to do with the addict currently in charge.

    And I certainly have no intention of helping him hold my son hostage.

    So, that's how I have to look at things.

    You will get stronger.

    However you come to your place of peace, you WILL get there.

    We ~ none of us here in PE ~ have had the luxury of doing it any other way.

    And we are here to help you get there sooner than we did.

    And it isn't going to be easy for you, and it wasn't easy for any of us, either.

    I am so sorry this is happening to you, to your family, to your son.

    But you have to face up to it.

    We can help.


  17. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member


    I came back to read my own wonderful advice and realized I sound like an angry know it all.

    I apologize, StandsWithCourage.

    Sometimes, my anger and frustration at my own situation floods over and makes everything feel so toxic and hopeless.

    What I think I was trying to say is that there are no easy answers for parents in our situations. Where we live, every minute of every day and every long, wakeful night is a nightmare.

    What has happened to every one of us is one of the worst things that could ever happen, to any family.

    I wish I could be stronger and I wish I could help you to be stronger.

    So I guess that is what I wanted to say.

    None of us is doing this right, all of us backslide. The battle never ends, because addiction is such a horrible thing.

    Posting helps so much.

  18. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Barbara - that brought tears to my eyes. It was said from your heart and I appreciate it. It is exactly the way I feel. I keep this craziness going on and it eats at me. When he says I need to go to the dentist I cant even believe him! Please keep posting to me. I feel lost. I will go to Alanon tomorrow and my therapist next week. She specializes in family and substance abuse. I need to go everyday. I appreciate your post. I may print it out and rehearse it. It is from the heart. thanks : :flower:
  19. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    It helps me to remember that addiction is an ILLNESS. Of course we must hold individuals responsible for their choices ... but there needs to be empathy too.

    Most addicts DO desire to be free. But, the addiction has it's ugly claws dug deep into our loved ones.

    That is why detachment is soooo important.

    We continue to love, and place value on the person ... but allow consequences.

    SWC ... none of us are suggesting that you stop loving your son. We are suggesting that you allow him to hit bottom ... BECAUSE you love him.
  20. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: goldenguru</div><div class="ubbcode-body">

    Most addicts DO desire to be free. But, the addiction has it's ugly claws dug deep into our loved ones.

    That is why detachment is soooo important.


    Excellent point, golden guru.