my son on his own

[standswithcourage]

Well today I took my difficult child to the doctor. He prescribed him Xanax and Tegretol. He also prescribed him vitamins, vitamin E, B12, multivitamin. He said it was good he was living home withus right now because he needed to - he couldnt struggle and be homeless and pay his probation, etc. I asked some questions - he said he was just now diagnosing him - severe ADHD. We will see what happens. I believe difficult child wants to change. Right now I just dont know what to do. It is so hard to kick him out when it seems hopeless especially when the doctor says we need to give him a chance. I told him about him smoking pot on our property, etc. I just dont know.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

<~~~tosses hands up in frustration.

 

[standswithcourage]

I'm sooooooo sorry! Ihope you dont write me off. I am still not giving up nor giving in. I am just in limbo. We will see if he trys to do the right thing. He is looking for ajob and seems to want some kind of help. I am walking on egg shells waiting to fall through the cracks.

 

[meowbunny]

Right now he doesn't need to be looking for a job, he needs to be looking for some rehab. I would flat out tell him that anything less than that is totally unacceptable. It is obvious you can't stop him from self-destructing, you can only slow it down. He doesn't seem to want to stop. There are programs out thre. Some are even quite successful. However, I doubt any will work if he doesn't want to quit and, so far as I can tell, he has no real reason to quit.

Nice of the doctor to give him medications and put it all back on you, but I'm not sure how you are helping him when he can still go out and drink and drug and then come home. Whether he gets ill now or later seems to be the only real question at this point -- as long as he drinks his chances of staying healthy are pretty slim unless you plan to continue taking him to the doctor for B12 shots, etc.

I know that Janet (antsmom) recommends "Co-Dependent No More." Maybe it is time for you to get the book and read it? You might even want to invest in a copy for your doctor.

 

[goldenguru]

SWC~

Have you ever heard of Teen Challenge? Do they have one in your area? It is residential treatment ... free of charge. It is a Biblically based, very structured, very strict program. My brother in law attended one and found it very helpful.

My point is that IF your son is serious about his recovery, then he would be open to treatment. IF he were my son I would insist that he complete treatment successfully before I allowed him to live in my home.

Your doctor is NOT a substance abuse counselor. He is not a family counselor. He is not an expert on drug addiction ... or family dysfunction. He is a doctor and did what doctors do. He prescribed medicine. Don't just assume his word is gospel because it was what your itching ears wanted to hear.

I will share a true personal story with you. My husband has a brother who has been a drug addict for 30 years. When I first became a member of their family, the whole freakin family enabled this man ... in the same manner that you enable your son. He has been in prison .. out of prison. In our homes ... out of our homes. He has stolen guns, tools, check books. On and on and on. We love this guy. When he's sober ... he is one of my favorite people. I love him. But, I can look back at our family history and tell you WITHOUT A DOUBT THAT OUR ENABLING BEHAVIOR has not helped him ... it has harmed him.

If your son has any chance an normalcy, YOU MUST stop coddling him. MUST.

INSIST that your son enter some sort of residential treatment ... or lovingly and politely show him the door.

"I am walking on egg shells waiting to fall through the cracks". With all due respect SWC ... you are CHOOSING this path for your life. We are here to encourage you to CHOOSE a better road for you and your family.

PLEASE consider.

 

[SunnyFlorida]

Haven't been on the board for a few days. I just glanced at the last couple of posters and see that your difficult child is back with you? also you took him to some Dr. who prescribed Xanax?

Usually Dr's do not prescribe Xanax to people who have SA issues. Xanax is not for ADHD either. Anxiety can be treated with other medications that are not addictive. Anxiety is usually an underlying problem that is secondary to the major issue.

I understand your mommy heart, but ask yourself, what is difficult child doing to solve the problem? what is your backup plan?, what happens in the future?

Like I said, I haven't read all the posts so I'm coming in blind. A great couple of cliches are:

DO TO GET and If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what always got.

 

[DazedandConfused]

Standswithcourage,

I think you must be one of the most guilt-ridden Moms I have ever read on this board.

Sending big hugs and I big dose of compassion to you!

However, I see this from another perspective. Everything you do to "help" your difficult child, isn't for HIM, it's for YOU. I sense this desperate need to avoid any kind of anxiety, guilt, and loss of control over him. In other words, as long as you are doing "something" to try and "help" him, you don't have to experience that wrenching feeling of being out of control.

I see all of this as being just as much about you, as it is about him.

Honestly, I do not know what it is like to be in your shoes. However, I watched both of my younger sibs (girl and boy) struggle with addiction. They both lived in some pretty horrible conditions, and did participated in some very risky behavior. I can't even imagine the agony it was for my Mother. Both were in their 30s before they decided enough was enough. My younger brother lived on the streets, with an occasional handout from friends, for years. He was also in and out of jail.

Also, they BOTH lived in rural farming communities and managed to handle things themselves. Everyone else had pretty much threw their hands up in frustration years ago. No rides and no place to crash. They had to figure it out on their own. However, once they started pulling themselves up, and earning people's trust, they received a helping hand on occasion.

I only help those that help themselves. Period. I figure why should invest more of my energy in their lives than THEY do??

Your difficult child may very well dig himself a very deep hole. It's his hole to climb out of. I feel for your easy child. The PCs really take it on the chin in these types of situations.

As for doctors saying that they need to stay with you? Whatever! If I had listen to Son's doctor, who thought so much of what I was doing was "unnecessary" I never would have gained an understanding of what I was dealing with. Just because it comes from an MD, doesn't mean it's correct. Offer to have difficult child go live with HIM.

Keep standing with courage. It's time, though, to allow difficult child to stand now, too.

 

[Scent of Cedar I]

How are you holding up, SWC?

And how is husband?

The last time we had our son home to live, he was twenty-nine or thirty. Despite everything we had told ourselves, despite everything we knew, we took him in BECAUSE HE IS OUR SON.

It takes a really long time, to be able to turn away. Before we could do that, we needed to exhaust every single possibility that we could to help our son.

I became so depressed, so fixated on our lost child that I don't think that I have fully recovered to this day.

But I did what I had to do.

I had to do it.

And it doesn't do any of us one bit of good to beat ourselves or each other up if we just are not in that place where we need to be to tell our own children there is nothing we can do to help them.

What you need to do now, I think, is get to an Al-Anon or a Narc-Anon meeting. It doesn't matter whether husband goes with you or whether you go in another town ~ just get there.

Check out the Hazelden and Teen Challenge websites and make a few phone calls. Just to see what your options are. In Minnesota, a mother can call 211 and be immediately connected to people who can help her know what to try, next. There may be such a number in your state, too.

Wishing well.

Barbara

 

[Steely]

From a very outside, objective opinion.......in my opinion it seems that you do not feel like a completely different person or entity from your son. If someone was to draw an outline of the 2 of you - somewhere the outlines of your souls would overlap and become one.
He hurts, you hurt - he needs, you need - he blames, you blame......you are like one organism...........rather than 2 completely separate people, minds, and souls.
This perhaps is the reason you are finding it so hard to detach - because you have actually, literally, grown into one being. You are enmeshed, and therefore, whatever he does, feels, or experiences - you do, feel, and experience as well.

You must, methodically, and with help, remove your being from his. Or neither of you will ever be happy.

 

[standswithcourage]

Oh my - thanks for all the posts! I am just weary and breaking apart I think. I go to a therpist next week. I cant stand this anymore. I thought it would be different but it is not. I am a new teacher this year and I am trying to devote my time to that - I have devoted my time to family - and still do - but I stayed home with my children and didnt work for 14 years - I love to teach kindergarten and that is what I am doing. Today I came home - my difficult child was here all day - I am sure he is bored, etc. but the house was messy - food on the counters - bathroom was in disaray - clothes everywhere - just so messy - from a 24 year old. He starts ranting and raving about where his loratab are because his tooth is kiilling him - he does have a bad wisdom tooth which we took him to the dentist for - they prescribed him antibiotic and pain pills. Of course the pain pills were wonderful and he didnt take the antibiotic. So he blames it on me. I took his Xanax and Loratab to work with me in my pocketbook so he wouldnot eat them all - then he thought someone had gotten them from my school!!!! So he went on and on andon about it - cursing, etc. I was so exhausted - I told hiim to get out - he wasnt my son - we finally came to the conclusion that he probably ate them. The doctor seems to think the medications he is on is supposed to help him not smoke marijuana - he is still smoking from what I heard - I wrote him a letter about what one of the posts said - how dare him do this to me after I sacraficed my life to help him, etc. I called his vocational rehab counselor and toldher as far as I was concerned he was in active addiction and that outpatient counseling was not going to help - it is a nightmare with him here all day - again - we are back to square one - I only hope and hope and pray - I know I am wrong - He doesnt even remember what he did. I am going to call his doctor too and tell him I believe he is in active addiciton and the Xanax is making it worse - what do you think?

 

[DazedandConfused]

Calling his doctor? He's 24, sweetie, not four.

I know your his Mom and when you see him you see the little baby you cradled, but he's man. Even if it's only in years. I wouldn't be making ANY calls on his behalf. He wants treatment, I would merely point to the number in the phone book.


Please, follow through on the therapy.

 

[standswithcourage]

I have emailed Teen Challenge for years. I would have loved for my son to go there. I know people that have gone there. It was always recommended to me - however he never wanted to go= of course. I thought about trying to get him court ordered to go there when he was younger - I was going to tell his doctor that I think he is in active addiction - his doctor needs to know what is actually going on - my husband hates it = we both just dont know what to do next - probation should do something =- he is smoking pot just like always - except not on my property.

 

[standswithcourage]

OK you are right. I do feel like whatever happens to him happens to me. I have always had so much empathy for him. I have watched him struggle when he should not have. But I cannot codle him - it hurts him to do it - he is very capable of anything he wants to do - help me to remember that

 

[standswithcourage]

How do I remove my being from him? You are right and I do feel that way. When he is in my house I feel this tension that i cannot stand - it overwhelmes me so much. What is that?

 

[Suz]

Susan, I am going to lock this thread.

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">How do I remove my being from him? You are right and I do feel that way. When he is in my house I feel this tension that i cannot stand - it overwhelmes me so much. What is that? </div></div>


This is a good question to ask in a new thread.

Suz