My sons note to me

[beebz]

The last time my son and I exchanged txts. I copied word for word minus my replies -
I wrote him a loooong letter to his email after that. Two days later I found out he is in jail for trafficking and will be indicted on Jan 17. My hands are very full lately with my granddaughters and my husband being ill so my replies, updates and thank you's are scarce but I do thank you all for being here for me. I'm going to need you more than ever in the future.
Below are my sons words -

I really can’t hold it in, i’m sorry , i know you dont want to be bothered … but how are the girls? how was christmas? how are my babies?
I cant stop thinking about them mom I mean i’m sick to my stomach, I have some things that I need to explain to you, not that you deserve an explanation but it needs to be said, so the truth and my intentions are clear. its obvious i’m broken, in more ways than one, and believe me, im going to get fixed. I do love my kids mom. I know this doesn’t make sense and i know i’m too much of an over emotional person. But I do love my kids mom, I really do.
That came out wrong “deserve”… i meant to say,,, not that you want to hear an explanation or an excuse, but it will clarify some things.
and maybe being able to see them would just be nice, because i really do miss them.
I never thought christmas could be so hard, i never thought the month of december could be so hard. Its never too late… and of course… i’m never on time.
I’m glad christmas went well. i’m sorry to bother you. I know. why me though? I’m a good person… couldn’t someone else been stuck with the addict disease…. not me. I’ve lost the fight, my kids, my life,, but … i cant talk about it… just got to fix it. I can’t walk around with a feeling like this anymore.
Mom, anyone that has ever came in contact with me, will never be the same, They meet someone who is one of the most kindest people, generous, loving and alive… but they also meet the most severe, pathological, instense addict… its sad,,, it never goes away,, its always there…,, it has and always will interfere with everything.
Maybe I can explain somethings to you before its too late. U need to hear it from me. I know. And trust me, nothing hurts more than being an addict because you see all the destruction and pain… and realize its your fault, its a painful frustrating life, Its not easy, I love, I love a lot, no one will love as much as me…. so i see all the destruction… the hearts broken,, years gone by,, ii feel it….. library closing, i love you mom, tell the girls i love them.

 

[WiseChoices]

He is realizing and understanding a lot! He can chose a new way of life! They have Narcotics Anonymous meetings in jail. When an addict is at that place where he is right now, broken and remorseful and having some insight, it's a good time to mention N.A. and how millions of addicts worldwide have gotten and stayed clean with the help of that program. Just mention it once , something along the lines of "I can't help but there are people who can ".

I am praying for you and your son that this is the turn around he needs. That this jail time is his bottom to make changes in his life. I know many people who were addicted to heroin, who felt hopeless, and who were on their knees asking a power greater than themselves for help, and got help in N.A. and stayed clean . I pray for a miracle for your son. He deserves a good, clean life, you deserve your son back, and his girls deserve a Dad who can be there for them. Much love to all .

 

[Chasejazz]

The last time my son and I exchanged txts. I copied word for word minus my replies -
I wrote him a loooong letter to his email after that. Two days later I found out he is in jail for trafficking and will be indicted on Jan 17. My hands are very full lately with my granddaughters and my husband being ill so my replies, updates and thank you's are scarce but I do thank you all for being here for me. I'm going to need you more than ever in the future.
Below are my sons words -

I really can’t hold it in, i’m sorry , i know you dont want to be bothered … but how are the girls? how was christmas? how are my babies?
I cant stop thinking about them mom I mean i’m sick to my stomach, I have some things that I need to explain to you, not that you deserve an explanation but it needs to be said, so the truth and my intentions are clear. its obvious i’m broken, in more ways than one, and believe me, im going to get fixed. I do love my kids mom. I know this doesn’t make sense and i know i’m too much of an over emotional person. But I do love my kids mom, I really do.
That came out wrong “deserve”… i meant to say,,, not that you want to hear an explanation or an excuse, but it will clarify some things.
and maybe being able to see them would just be nice, because i really do miss them.
I never thought christmas could be so hard, i never thought the month of december could be so hard. Its never too late… and of course… i’m never on time.
I’m glad christmas went well. i’m sorry to bother you. I know. why me though? I’m a good person… couldn’t someone else been stuck with the addict disease…. not me. I’ve lost the fight, my kids, my life,, but … i cant talk about it… just got to fix it. I can’t walk around with a feeling like this anymore.
Mom, anyone that has ever came in contact with me, will never be the same, They meet someone who is one of the most kindest people, generous, loving and alive… but they also meet the most severe, pathological, instense addict… its sad,,, it never goes away,, its always there…,, it has and always will interfere with everything.
Maybe I can explain somethings to you before its too late. U need to hear it from me. I know. And trust me, nothing hurts more than being an addict because you see all the destruction and pain… and realize its your fault, its a painful frustrating life, Its not easy, I love, I love a lot, no one will love as much as me…. so i see all the destruction… the hearts broken,, years gone by,, ii feel it….. library closing, i love you mom, tell the girls i love them.

That was very intense...difficult for me to read. I can only imagine how it felt for you to read your son's words.
Bless you.

 

[MissLulu]

Oh Beebz, my heart goes out to you. Your son’s words brought me to tears. I hope this truly is a turning point for him.

 

[JayPee]

Beebz

Your sons words cut to my soul. I hope and pray that he has hit his bottom and begins to climb out.

Blessings and prayers for you and your son.

 

[Copabanana]

couldn’t someone else been stuck with the addict disease…. not me

This part troubles me. It seems like magical thinking But then he redeems himself:

it never goes away,, its always there…,, it has and always will interfere with everything.

Here he seems to be owning it. That this addiction is his to own.

This jail time and potential sentence is a blessing. I pray he gets enough time in to have a foundation for recovery. beebz, you've got so much on your plate. And then came the ping pong ball. Your Boxer Boo has Pica. It's a mental illness.

 

[Blindsided]

Well wishes to you and yours that your son is accepting responsibility. Hoping this new chapter stays the course.

Love and light to you and your family.

 

[RN0441]

Beebz

Agree that his words were very sweet and sound sincere.

I pray that this is his bottom and that he will start to move upward and toward a better life for himself and his daughters.

This could be the beginning of change in his life.

 

[Tanya M]

Thank you for sharing this with us. I know how hard it must have been for you to read that. In the letter, your son is making an attempt to own some responsibility. He is saying all the right things. Now, this is where I caution you to be very careful. I too have received similar letters from son over the years. They usually align with him being in jail. My son also has two children that he professes to love but has abandoned them to their mothers care.
My point is this, take the words your son wrote, hold them with care and caution. Time will reveal the truth. Many times when our adult kids are faced with serious trouble like jail, they reach out to us in an attempt to make things right. They do this because they are alone and in trouble and there is no one like mom because mom will always help. Your son may very well turn his life around and I truly do pray that he does. I just want you to be on your guard in case that does not happen. I've lived it. My son had me convinced he was going to get his life together, he told me all the things I wanted to hear and I caved in and enabled (helped) him. I learned a valuable lesson. If my son is going to change then he will change. He does not need my help to do it. The other times my son has gotten in trouble and gone to jail, I once again would receive letters from him telling me all the right things. What was different this time was me. I did not cave into his demands that I put money on his jail account so he could buy extra things.
Only you can decide how you will respond to what comes down the road, I just want to make sure you do it with your eyes wide open.
((HUGS))

 

[beebz]

Thank you for sharing this with us. I know how hard it must have been for you to read that. In the letter, your son is making an attempt to own some responsibility. He is saying all the right things. Now, this is where I caution you to be very careful. I too have received similar letters from son over the years. They usually align with him being in jail. My son also has two children that he professes to love but has abandoned them to their mothers care.
My point is this, take the words your son wrote, hold them with care and caution. Time will reveal the truth. Many times when our adult kids are faced with serious trouble like jail, they reach out to us in an attempt to make things right. They do this because they are alone and in trouble and there is no one like mom because mom will always help. Your son may very well turn his life around and I truly do pray that he does. I just want you to be on your guard in case that does not happen. I've lived it. My son had me convinced he was going to get his life together, he told me all the things I wanted to hear and I caved in and enabled (helped) him. I learned a valuable lesson. If my son is going to change then he will change. He does not need my help to do it. The other times my son has gotten in trouble and gone to jail, I once again would receive letters from him telling me all the right things. What was different this time was me. I did not cave into his demands that I put money on his jail account so he could buy extra things.
Only you can decide how you will respond to what comes down the road, I just want to make sure you do it with your eyes wide open.
((HUGS))

Tanya my darling. For one thing it is such a blessing for you to take the time out of your life to counsel me. It really is, I mean that with all my heart. Its a small small world and a short short life whether you do drugs or not.

The note was written before jail. I tend to write backwards here in the timeline of things.
He always wrote me letters like he was a "bad child". Was I too strict? Thats a whole nuther? nuther? haha lmao - whats a nuther ? anyway - thats a can o'worms for another time, but he has always written me letters of how much he is a lover, compassionate person, sticks up for the little guy, animals etc - its his hurt, always. He has, many years ago, said "I don't feel right. I just want to feel normal like you dad and B--. It goes along, in my opinion, with all the disorders we have these days from people not knowing their sex, to homosexuality, ADD, and the hundreds of disorders we live with now-a-days, much less all us baby boomers trying all the jellybeans of life they throw at us to make it all better in one way or another. (jellybeans=antidepressants)
I'm rambling - my mind is somewhere else; but you are right. I read the words but I have taken no action lately to help him with home, money, car, fines, lawyers - nothing really. He is still trying... but for the first time in my life NO means NO.
Thank you for letting me rent space in your psyche .
Much love - ~beebz

 

[Copabanana]

Your Boxer Boo has Pica. It's a mental illness.

Here's a reference I found on Wikipedia: "Pica: Why Pets Sometimes Eat Strange Objects". The Humane Society of the United States. Archived from the original on March 14, 2016. Retrieved 20 July 2019.