Need advice: adult son with mental problems ... things getting worse

[cynlee]

Struggle is Good! I Want to Fly!





Once a little boy was playing outdoors and found a fascinating caterpillar. He carefully picked it up and took it home to show his mother. He asked his mother if he could keep it, and she said he could if he would take good care of it.


The little boy got a large jar from his mother and put plants to eat, and a stick to climb on, in the jar. Every day he watched the caterpillar and brought it new plants to eat.


One day the caterpillar climbed up the stick and started acting strangely. The boy worriedly called his mother who came and understood that the caterpillar was creating a cocoon. The mother explained to the boy how the caterpillar was going to go through a metamorphosis and become a butterfly.


The little boy was thrilled to hear about the changes his caterpillar would go through. He watched every day, waiting for the butterfly to emerge. One day it happened, a small hole appeared in the cocoon and the butterfly started to struggle to come out.


At first the boy was excited, but soon he became concerned. The butterfly was struggling so hard to get out! It looked like it couldn’t break free! It looked desperate! It looked like it was making no progress!


The boy was so concerned he decided to help. He ran to get scissors, and then walked back (because he had learned not to run with scissors…). He snipped the cocoon to make the hole bigger and the butterfly quickly emerged!


As the butterfly came out the boy was surprised. It had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. He continued to watch the butterfly expecting that, at any moment, the wings would dry out, enlarge and expand to support the swollen body. He knew that in time the body would shrink and the butterfly’s wings would expand.


But neither happened!


The butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings.


It never was able to fly…


As the boy tried to figure out what had gone wrong his mother took him to talk to a scientist from a local college. He learned that the butterfly was SUPPOSED to struggle. In fact, the butterfly’s struggle to push its way through the tiny opening of the cocoon pushes the fluid out of its body and into its wings. Without the struggle, the butterfly would never, ever fly. The boy’s good intentions hurt the butterfly.



As you go through school, and life, keep in mind that struggling is an important part of any growth experience. In fact, it is the struggle that causes you to develop your ability to fly.


As instructors our gift to you is stronger wings…

I also found this story given to me by my therapist give me help with my son as the butterfly.

Thanks for sharing this, Tired mama. It's a great story and gives me more to thing about.

 

[HMBgal]

Oh Cynlee, I can so relate to your struggles with your son. I have a 41 year old daughter, used to getting by on her charming personality and cute looks. ADHD, depression, all the lovely things. She, too, let her registration and insurance lapse on the brand new Prius that her father bought for her (my ex, who got so fed up with her mooching that he flat out left the state and moved away). Since she occasionally drives her children around (who live with me because she is being evicted and her place is a pigsty), I paid $2,400 to get her current. So now she can at least live in her car if she has to. She's not moving in with me, that's for sure. She can't keep a job, can never, EVER be anywhere on time so gets fired within the first week. She's up all night, can't get up during the day, and somehow manages to get people to help her with money and other rescuing things.

She hasn't stolen from us but she lies to us about stuff, won't pick up her phone, text us back, has her kids really worried about her all the time because they see her less and less. And it's causing her children anxiety, and I lie awake at night wondering how would I ever tell the kids that their mom overdosed on something, fell asleep driving (she did that last year and totaled her other car), etc etc etc. What a crappy way to live.

Letting her go homeless will probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but I figure I'm raising her kids and that's about all I'm willing to do at this point. She's had her time (YEARS) of my patience, bailing her out of jail, paying fines, paying for rehabs, etc. I'm done. And I'm raising her very, very troubled son.

So, you're not alone. And not rescuing, especially with the big "kids" who have really big problems with far-reaching implications, is really hard.

 

[Lost in sadness]

Wow! Simply thought provoking. Thank you x

 

[Sam3]

That's what we're wrestling with. Sometimes, he just seems to be tormented by demons and then sometimes he seems fine. He helps with things around the house, cares for our dog, fixes our computers and car, but then he goes and steals money and the drugs. I feel he's in pain, mentally, but he refuses to go see someone. My husband kept telling me to give him time, that he'll turn things around, but the recent 'bad' behavior worries me that things may not get better. I feel like we need to push harder for some change. Thanks for pointing out a positive viewpoint.

I absolutely don't believe you should tolerate stealing or drugging in your home, even temporarily.

I think my point is about what is in our hearts and minds when we set boundaries and package the message.

If your son is in the throws of addiction, that is a tragedy. If there’s no good reason why HE should suffer it — there’s certainly no reason for the lives of loved ones to be destroyed by it.

So the boundaries you set address the spill over destruction. It’s bad enough you hurt thinking about your sons drug use. You won’t watch it when you come home. Or maybe being sober is a condition for living at home.

Stealing is a crime. You would report anyone else who stole from you and anyone else who he stole from would report him. Because you won’t fund the addiction, you will report him, and hope that he can plead out with rehab. And whether you catch him again or not, you would be perfectly reasonable deciding he can’t live with you because you don’t want to hide your purse and valuables.

That said, I think it’s important to convey that you realize the monkey is driving the bus, and that it makes every single rider do these types of things. That it must suck to crave something so badly that his character is now a hostage.

I would just assume he wouldn’t want his life to be like this either, if the monkey would let him regain some perspective.

But whether it’s temporary for him or not, it’s got to be temporary for you. If he is refusing help, then your home is not a respite for someone struggling to right his life, but a safe space for an addict.

I would ask him how much time he needs to figure out whether he is ready to start working on his issues. And at the end of that time ask for an answer. If the answer is no, then he needs to live elsewhere. If he doesn’t even want to participate in figuring that out, then you have your answer.

All of that is love and can be conveyed with hope and resolve.

 

[cynlee]

Oh Cynlee, I can so relate to your struggles with your son. I have a 41 year old daughter, used to getting by on her charming personality and cute looks. ADHD, depression, all the lovely things. She, too, let her registration and insurance lapse on the brand new Prius that her father bought for her (my ex, who got so fed up with her mooching that he flat out left the state and moved away). Since she occasionally drives her children around (who live with me because she is being evicted and her place is a pigsty), I paid $2,400 to get her current. So now she can at least live in her car if she has to. She's not moving in with me, that's for sure. She can't keep a job, can never, EVER be anywhere on time so gets fired within the first week. She's up all night, can't get up during the day, and somehow manages to get people to help her with money and other rescuing things.

She hasn't stolen from us but she lies to us about stuff, won't pick up her phone, text us back, has her kids really worried about her all the time because they see her less and less. And it's causing her children anxiety, and I lie awake at night wondering how would I ever tell the kids that their mom overdosed on something, fell asleep driving (she did that last year and totaled her other car), etc etc etc. What a crappy way to live.

Letting her go homeless will probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but I figure I'm raising her kids and that's about all I'm willing to do at this point. She's had her time (YEARS) of my patience, bailing her out of jail, paying fines, paying for rehabs, etc. I'm done. And I'm raising her very, very troubled son.

So, you're not alone. And not rescuing, especially with the big "kids" who have really big problems with far-reaching implications, is really hard.

Dear HMBgal -- thanks for sharing your story. So sorry for what you are dealing with and having to care for her children too makes it even harder, I imagine. I'm in awe of the strength that the people in this community have. It's truly inspiring. I appreciate your support so much!

 

[HMBgal]

We all support each other because this is the rare place where people get it. I mean, how do you explain this to friends and family?

 

[Copabanana]

I don't remember if I shared this. But first let me tell you my point because i can ramble.

I kicked my son out. Not once but many times. I did so because he would not help himself. And I did so when he mistreated us. Anybody here for awhile knows I did not come to this easily.

It took a long long time to bear fruit. He was homeless. He was hospitalized multiple times. I despaired. I still do.

There are parallels with your child but while my son has many gifts he has not had the successes of your son. I think that makes it harder for you.

My 29 year old mentally ill son is now in sober living. He only went when we kicked him out again.

He has a history of depression, anxiety and struggle with body dysmorphic disorder. He has had a serious dependence on marijuana to self medicate.

For the most part he has refused treatment except for a few times in residential treatment and a few months ago going to outpatient drug counseling.

The other 9 men in the house are older. Those I have met are ragged and worn. They clearly have suffered. But there is radiance and kindness and spirit in their faces.

My son loves it there. He expressed today that he is in exactly the right place for him. He feels support and self-respect. He is charting a course. It is uneven and halting but seems sure.

I am hopeful and I feel gratitude. I see I cannot and should not protect my son from his life.

 

[Triedntrue]

I am glad your son has found a place that works for him.

 

[Littleboylost]

Thanks for your helpful comments and your support, Littleboylost. I did see the information describing enabling and told my husband that's what we've been doing. As you wrote, it's not easy. We've been enabling and ignoring for way too long, I think. Just kept hoping things would turn around and get better. I guess we've had our heads in the sand.

You have had your heads burried in love and hope. We all get FOG. Fear Obligation and Guilt. Then we learn from each other that Love is hard on us because love says no. We have to be prepared to step out of their way and allow them to accept the consequences of their own actions. They may survive this or they may not. The reality is it is their life and their choice.

 

[RN0441]

Copa so glad to hear that your son is in a good place right now.

Ours is too. We are thankful and hopeful but that's as far as we can go right now. My son told us last night that he has written a letter "to dad". I'm anxious to see what he has to say to his dad who has really stood by him and always felt more hopeful than I have. However, he has also been very hurt and angry and cried over our son's choices and he is not one to break down.

Cynlee we all enable because it can take years to figure out what we're even dealing with! I know that happened to us. We were spinning for years not knowing which end was up. I had a hard time facing and accepting the fact that our son was an addict. There was no other explanation. I don't even like to use that word. I prefer to say he has a "substance abuse problem". I do not want his addiction to identify who he is because he is and can be so much more than that.

This is tough stuff.

 

[cynlee]

Appreciate all the support and advice from everyone. Seems like it can be a very tumultuous process. I'll update you on what happens here. Thanks again!

 

[GStorm]

I've just joined.Thank you for sharing your stories. Our 35 year old son lives with us. He was always a bit different, but we didn't think he was mentally ill. He was very bright -- in the gifted classes, but left HS at age 16 via the HS proficiency exam. Couldn't handle school. He then worked from age 17 to 23 and then up and quit because things got too stressful. He went back to school, got into a university and then flunked out. That was in 2010. He was very depressed, said he was suicidal, and moved home to live with us. We thought it would be for a short time. Ha!

He had self diagnosed while in school and somehow managed to get Nardol. He also was diagnosed with ADHD by the university and was prescribed Ritalin. When he moved back home, he briefly saw a psychologist. However, he thinks he's smarter than anyone else and no one can help him. So that didn't last. In 2014, he became psychotic after using marijuana. He just up and left home. Ended up being taken to a psychiatric hospital by the police because he told them he was suicidal (51-50). Was there for 4 days, then back with us. After that, he saw a psychiatrist at a county-run mental health program for about 4 months. They gave him several different medications, which he only took for a short time.

For several years, he had his own saved money. So all he got from us was food and shelter. He even bought himself a car. He tried one job. Didn't last. Two years ago, he let the registration on the car expire. He also let his driver's license lapse. He just seemed to continue a downhill decline. Husband and I went to NAMI classes a couple of years ago, which helped us a bit. Sometimes he seems to be okay and then not. I think he might have Bipolar 2. Through NAMI I got the name of a private psychiatrist, but he refuses to go. Says they can't help him. He's tried that.

About three months ago, I thought that money was disappearing from my purse. I thought I had spent it. However, I missed enough that I knew he had stolen it, even though he denied it when asked. He also began drinking heavily usually after we've gone to bed.

I decided to give him a way to earn money by doing various household chores. That seemed to work, briefly. Then a month ago, I discovered marijuana in his room. Mind you he doesn't drive and only leaves home when it's dark out. We also discovered he'd been taking my husband's Gabapentin. Then last week, he stole my ATM card out of my wallet and withdrew $100. This behavior is so unlike how he was as a young child. He was so honest. Tonight we told him he either goes to the psychiatrist, which we will pay for, or he leaves. First, he just shut us out. Wouldn't talk, but we persisted. He finally said: "Well, I guess you'll just have to evict me."

I hope someone out there can give us some advice. My husband and I feel if we kick him out and something bad happens to him, we'll feel guilty, especially since he'd mentioned suicide within the last year. But ... we don't really want to see where this pattern of disturbing behavior will end up, if we let him stay here. I'm not comfortable in my own home.

Thanks for any suggestions you have.

If you allow him to stay, maybe nothing WILL happen to him, but look what is happening ro you and your husband. I have been going down this same road in a lot of ways with my son. ( You can read my posts.). I am in the process of letting him go. He is now gone physically ( as he lives in another state), but the emotional detachment is very difficult and on-going. Save yourselves! It sounds like you have done everything you can. Refer him to your local mental health facility and let them refer him on for treatment &/or the shelter. I know this is hard, but you two deserve some peace. Our sons will not continue to do what they don't have to do for themselves. You are in a good place. It has been a godsend for me. (((HUGS)))
Gail

 

[Kalahou]

Our 35 year old son lives with us. He was always a bit different, but we didn't think he was mentally ill. He was very bright -- .... He then worked ...then up and quit .... . He went back to school,.... flunked out. ..... He was very depressed, ... and moved home to live with us. We thought it would be for a short time.

... bought himself a car. He tried one job. Didn't last. ... let the registration on the car expire. He also let his driver's license lapse. He just seemed to continue a downhill decline.

Hi cynlee, I have been in a similar situation. So many of your son's behaviors you described fit my son also. I had to make my son leave our home a couple years ago when he was 36. You can read the details in my own threads / posts from that time.

I feel if we kick him out and something bad happens to him, we'll feel guilty,... But ... we don't really want to see where this pattern of disturbing behavior will end up, if we let him stay here. I'm not comfortable in my own home.

I too felt guilty and fearful about if something may happen to my son, but I could not let him stay, because my own health and life and breath was going downhill from the stress and anxiety and worry, and confusion and heartache and helplessness. I felt I could not even breathe, and I just wanted to run away. I too was not comfortable in my own home, as you said.

It was not easy for sure, and my son did not do well when we made him leave and would not let him return. He cried frequently. I know he was also afraid, and had nowhere to go and no friends to help him. I had to accept the real possiblility that he would end up dead somewhere. He ended up in jail for 6 months. It was actually such a relief to me that he ended up in jail! I was glad about it.
He called me to ask for bail and to have him on supervised released at our house. I did neither. When he called from jail, initially he was mad, and he cursed, and I told him I can’t stay on a call with that language, and I did not take calls for a while, and then only twice a month for 5 minutes. During his time in jail, I did not visit and did not send any money, although I did send periodic notes a couple times per month. I honestly think his jail time rescued him. I believe he learned that he does not want to live long-term in jail.

Since his release from jail, he has lived in a transition house the past 18 months, and while he is still not managing his life well, he is mostly / barely handling things on his own, and I am withdrawing as much as possible from his needs and contact with him. I do not have a close relationship with him, and actually prefer that he does not contact us often. When I do see or hear from him, it is cordial, and he knows we would always support and encourage him in moving forward, if and when he ever wants it enough to take action himself.

In the meantime, I am learning and accepting that my son is certainly a different personality from me, and that we will never mesh in a close relationship, and he will never be the type of person with whom I will enjoy spending time and sharing my life. That is OK. There are many different personality types of people in the world, and we are not friends with them all. Rather we gravitate towards those with whom we can relate in similar understandings and interests. My son and I just happen not to be a good match. That is OK. I feel we are both learning necessary things from each other. I am thankful for that and glad I had the opportunity to raise him up and be friends with him for the first 18 years of his life. I know he has good memories of those times also. He has just grown to be a different kind of adult person now, and our relationship has changed.

It is definitely best for all concerned that our son does not live in our house and that he must find him own way in his life. We are in our 70s also. We cannot be so troubled in our own home at this time, and also my son must find a way to survive his own life, as we will not be around forever.

We do understand here in this wonderful forum, and you are not alone. This stuff is not easy. I am glad you found us here. There is a wealth of wisdom, caring, and support. Take care.

 

[cynlee]

Hi cynlee, I have been in a similar situation. So many of your son's behaviors you described fit my son also. I had to make my son leave our home a couple years ago when he was 36. You can read the details in my own threads / posts from that time.


I too felt guilty and fearful about if something may happen to my son, but I could not let him stay, because my own health and life and breath was going downhill from the stress and anxiety and worry, and confusion and heartache and helplessness. I felt I could not even breathe, and I just wanted to run away. I too was not comfortable in my own home, as you said.

It was not easy for sure, and my son did not do well when we made him leave and would not let him return. He cried frequently. I know he was also afraid, and had nowhere to go and no friends to help him. I had to accept the real possiblility that he would end up dead somewhere. He ended up in jail for 6 months. It was actually such a relief to me that he ended up in jail! I was glad about it.
He called me to ask for bail and to have him on supervised released at our house. I did neither. When he called from jail, initially he was mad, and he cursed, and I told him I can’t stay on a call with that language, and I did not take calls for a while, and then only twice a month for 5 minutes. During his time in jail, I did not visit and did not send any money, although I did send periodic notes a couple times per month. I honestly think his jail time rescued him. I believe he learned that he does not want to live long-term in jail.

Since his release from jail, he has lived in a transition house the past 18 months, and while he is still not managing his life well, he is mostly / barely handling things on his own, and I am withdrawing as much as possible from his needs and contact with him. I do not have a close relationship with him, and actually prefer that he does not contact us often. When I do see or hear from him, it is cordial, and he knows we would always support and encourage him in moving forward, if and when he ever wants it enough to take action himself.

In the meantime, I am learning and accepting that my son is certainly a different personality from me, and that we will never mesh in a close relationship, and he will never be the type of person with whom I will enjoy spending time and sharing my life. That is OK. There are many different personality types of people in the world, and we are not friends with them all. Rather we gravitate towards those with whom we can relate in similar understandings and interests. My son and I just happen not to be a good match. That is OK. I feel we are both learning necessary things from each other. I am thankful for that and glad I had the opportunity to raise him up and be friends with him for the first 18 years of his life. I know he has good memories of those times also. He has just grown to be a different kind of adult person now, and our relationship has changed.

It is definitely best for all concerned that our son does not live in our house and that he must find him own way in his life. We are in our 70s also. We cannot be so troubled in our own home at this time, and also my son must find a way to survive his own life, as we will not be around forever.

We do understand here in this wonderful forum, and you are not alone. This stuff is not easy. I am glad you found us here. There is a wealth of wisdom, caring, and support. Take care.

Thanks for sharing, Kalahou. Wow. There does seem to be some similarities in our sons. It sounds like you've been through the wringer or worse. Sounds like you're dealing well right now accepting how things are. Hard stuff. While he was growing up, my son and I were very close. We seemed to be so like-minded. (It was actually my other son that I was more worried about.) He used to say: "Mom, you don't have to worry. I'll take care of you and Dad when you get old." Plus he was so honest and truthful. Or, at least, I thought he was. Something snapped.

Right now, he's busy doing laundry, vacuuming the house, and doing some yard work, and seems to be acting 'normal.' That's why I feel so strongly that he needs counseling or therapy so he can understand how to maintain this type of acceptable behavior. It just seems like when the mental illness takes over, he exhibits deviant behavior. He's even admitted, in the past, that he's mentally ill.

Have any of your children tried CBT, Reference EEG, EMDR, Pharmacogenetic testing or Alpha-stimulant therapy? One of the psychiatrists I was referred to uses a variety of methods, including those, but I don't know anything about them.