Need help (or an intervention) - she stepped up her game

[Snow White]

Amann, I sure hope that when I get to the 'young age' of 71 years that I am not continuing to enable my daughter! I'm already tired. I can't imagine doing that for another 20 years. You deserve peace and quiet.

Well, stuff is hitting the proverbial fan. Just when I was feeling sad and guilty, along came the daughter - all drugged up after surgery. She has found a great following on social media. Facebook (various endometriosis and travel groups), GoFundMe, etc. Her "friends" have managed to raise almost $2600 for her. They are contacting government agencies, etc. They are trying to say that she needs to be transferred to another hospital for care and that the ambulance fee is $2500, the surgery was $1800 and the hospital stay is $2000. Ambulance fee of $2500?

Additionally (and this is no joke), a Ugandan medical official contacted someone in the endometriosis group. He stated that they have a girls' school in a town there that is building a new travel hostel. They want to name the hostel after my daughter. Yes, really. Daughter had the requested relayed to her. Her response, "I'll do it only if they include my story, interview me and showcase my story."

The 3 people I mentioned in the previous post (Peace Corps person, lawyer and travel friend) have all removed themselves from daughter and her issues. They cite that, "the time we spent with her was incredibly difficult; she was very hostile and needing constant input. Also, it was a routine surgery to remove an ovarian cyst - she will leave the hospital in 2 to 3 days. The GofundMe page has grossly overestimated the amount of funds needed (I was the one who translated the cost of surgery to give to D.)." They will not return to the hospital to see her.

No sepsis. No septic shock. No emergency surgery. No endometriosis.

I'm getting all of this information from sources she doesn't know about. She thinks all I know is what I can see on the GoFundMe page (she's blocked me from FB).

She sent the nastiest of nastiest messages to a good family friend of ours. She hasn't contacted me after her last rude email but I think she is keeping me in her back pocket for now. She'll try and see what she can guilt me into.

Yup - she's back! I'm feeling calm, cool and collected today because I have my detachment tools at hand and I have this group!

Happy Monday!

 

[jetsam]

Madonna, You rock! I don't know that i could have kept it together as well as you have! Amazing what they put us through. No thought to how anyone else feels, How their words can hurt us! yes manipulative, lying ..the list goes on and on. I commend you for your resolve not to take the bait! You are my role model. lol Keep on keeping on.

 

[Lil]

Wow. I can't in my wildest dreams imagine claiming a serious illness for...what? Attention? It almost sounds like Munchausen Syndrome. I don't know why it surprises me. My ex once told me he had colon cancer. I never did figure out why. I think so I'd remarry him and support him...on the premise that he'd have insurance. Obviously, he didn't. Some people really do stoop at nothing to get their way. You've done so well mcdonna, setting limits. Well done.

 

[Snow White]

Yes, I am definitely thinking Munchausen Syndrome (and have so for many years), Lil.

Jetsam, the words hurt - more often when they are put into the public view on social media but I know that those close to our family know the truth. The rest of them are more than welcome to walk a mile (even less) in my shoes.

Just talked with the "lawyer" person who was assisting her in hospital. He said, "I have been working with disadvantaged communities in rural Thailand for the last 3 years and it breaks my heart to see a tourist behave so poorly and validate the stereotype of westerners exploiting this country. She has been extremely aggressive and rude to the Thai staff who are doing everything they can to help her. I will limit my contact with her as I would not like this fiasco to further damage my professional relationships that I have been working so hard to develop over the years. She's annoyed with people messaging her to return to Canada because 'it's her life' and she can do what she wants." Makes me sad to think that my daughter is this type of person. And then I asked about the surgery/hospital price. Total bill is $1300 USD. That includes surgery/medication/nursing staff/hospital stay. And he advises the care is top-notch where she is and there is no need to transfer her anywhere. She is in a nice post-operative ward. I guess she feels entitled to some money for "pain and suffering".

 

[mof]

A that for a cyst.. Wow, she should work for those gossip papers, she can spin!

You we're right, and apparently her "friends" figured it out too!

 

[Mamacat]

Mcdonna, you're my hero also. I apologize in advance, but as I was reading your latest post, and I'm new here, I felt a chiuckle rising up. The lengths they will go to to create the drama to get something, whatever it is! I know it's not really funny. It reminded me of my daughter's latest.....taking two young girls to a place to get away from abusers (there's 2 of them), very little money, bad credit, maybe a pending court case, has since asked the 2nd abuser to come live there with her and trusting the universe to take care of her. Like my responsible son said, "mom, I think you're the universe." OMG, are you kidding???? I'm gonna squeeze in all the fun I can in the time I've got left. My husband and i have done enough. Time for some FUN!!!
I do miss granddaughters though and I hope they're okay.

 

[Mamacat]

Mcdonna. I'm glad you got some confirmation of what you suspected from the "lawyer" type person In Thailand.

 

[AppleCori]

Why exactly do they want to name a building after a Western tourist who was traveling in Thailand and had a routine surgery to have a cyst removed? Even if it were a more extensive surgery, why all the acclaim?

It all sounds crazy!

Well, at least SOME people have figured out the con.

This is a good thing, for you, though, if you think about it. You now have confirmation that what you have known all along is true, and you can now let it all go and live your life as you see fit. You are getting off that rollercoaster!

Doesn't it feel good?

 

[so ready to live]

Hi McDonna. I continue to follow this in amazement AND understanding.

but I know that those close to our family know the truth.

Those who don't know the score, do not matter! Consider us "close to your family". We get it. You are doing great. Prayers.

 

[mof]

Kudos to you!!! I feel like celebrating for you! Some sense of peace for Being heard must be nice!

 

[Sister's Keeper]

McDonna,

I hope you feel better now, like a big weight has been lifted. Way to trust your instincts!

She will burn all her bridges and then she will come back to you crying. Stay strong! You rock!

 

[Albatross]

Wow. Just...wow. Stunned. Great job, McDonna. You are my hero. Did the 3 who visited her express their regrets/concerns on her social media posts or just to you privately?

 

[Snow White]

I'm feeling so much better!!! Broke that 'cycle' of wanting to help (enabling), wanting to control (enabling) and wanting to fix (enabling).

Did the 3 who visited her express their regrets/concerns on her social media posts or just to you privately?

The 3 people asked that their photo with her and their names be taken off the GoFundMe page. That has been done.

Why exactly do they want to name a building after a Western tourist who was traveling in Thailand and had a routine surgery to have a cyst removed? Even if it were a more extensive surgery, why all the acclaim?

It all sounds crazy!

Well, at least SOME people have figured out the con.
This is a good thing, for you, though, if you think about it. You now have confirmation that what you have known all along is true, and you can now let it all go and live your life as you see fit. You are getting off that rollercoaster!
Doesn't it feel good?

I have no idea why a girls' hostel in Uganda wants to name a hostel after her. Maybe they ran out of names?

I am so happy to be off the rollercoaster - I just have to stay off it now. It feels so liberating! At least when she tries to contact me again, I'll have my ammunition and won't be caught off-guard.

Sadly, I'm not a hero - just a mom struggling along like the rest of you. And some of you have burdens I could never in a lifetime imagine. You are my heroes and new 'family'!

Amann - I hope you get to see your grandchildren soon.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Wow.
You did a great job.
Celebrate!

 

[Mamacat]

Thank you Mcdonna. I hope i get to see them too. In the meantime I'm attending CODA meetings, going to see a psychologist, and doing things for myself. I'm so grateful to have found all of you and the support that's here.

 

[pasajes4]

Those 3 people validated everything you already knew about her malarkey. It has freed you to accept and let go of the FOG. What a tremendous gift. I saw a poater the other day that said....... I can only be offended by your opinion of me if I agree with it. Nice try though. This now you. Her opinion of you no longer matters.

 

[Memedixie]

Amann, I sure hope that when I get to the 'young age' of 71 years that I am not continuing to enable my daughter! I'm already tired. I can't imagine doing that for another 20 years. You deserve peace and quiet.

Well, stuff is hitting the proverbial fan. Just when I was feeling sad and guilty, along came the daughter - all drugged up after surgery. She has found a great following on social media. Facebook (various endometriosis and travel groups), GoFundMe, etc. Her "friends" have managed to raise almost $2600 for her. They are contacting government agencies, etc. They are trying to say that she needs to be transferred to another hospital for care and that the ambulance fee is $2500, the surgery was $1800 and the hospital stay is $2000. Ambulance fee of $2500?

Additionally (and this is no joke), a Ugandan medical official contacted someone in the endometriosis group. He stated that they have a girls' school in a town there that is building a new travel hostel. They want to name the hostel after my daughter. Yes, really. Daughter had the requested relayed to her. Her response, "I'll do it only if they include my story, interview me and showcase my story."

The 3 people I mentioned in the previous post (Peace Corps person, lawyer and travel friend) have all removed themselves from daughter and her issues. They cite that, "the time we spent with her was incredibly difficult; she was very hostile and needing constant input. Also, it was a routine surgery to remove an ovarian cyst - she will leave the hospital in 2 to 3 days. The GofundMe page has grossly overestimated the amount of funds needed (I was the one who translated the cost of surgery to give to D.)." They will not return to the hospital to see her.

No sepsis. No septic shock. No emergency surgery. No endometriosis.

I'm getting all of this information from sources she doesn't know about. She thinks all I know is what I can see on the GoFundMe page (she's blocked me from FB).

She sent the nastiest of nastiest messages to a good family friend of ours. She hasn't contacted me after her last rude email but I think she is keeping me in her back pocket for now. She'll try and see what she can guilt me into.

Yup - she's back! I'm feeling calm, cool and collected today because I have my detachment tools at hand and I have this group!

Happy Monday!

I want to learn from you! You go girl!

 

[AppleCori]

You remember that saying "She jumped the shark this time"?

That seems to apply here.

 

[Echolette]

What a long and stressful saga. I guess the take away is that

I am so happy to be off the rollercoaster - I just have to stay off it now.

now is the time to resist wasting anymore time. Let it go. You know that she was not ever in danger, was not ill, and was horribly cruel to you. That is enough. No further details needed, no further conversations with lawyers, friends, or orphanages in Uganda (I know you didn't talk with them). Try "oh, I'm sorry. My daughter is 27...she makes her own decisions so I can't help you. Thank you for calling!(emailing texting whatever). '

As for your daughter...wow. The more distance you can create the better for your health. You can't fix her or change her or trust her. I probably wouldn't even challenge her. Skim the surface as some one else said. Keep it superficial. Try not to engage. Space out contacts. Wait 24-72 hours to respond when she tries to contact you. Keep a safe distance.

Good luck. I 've been reading along and my heart has ached for you. I never believed her tale of illness, but I am so glad you got external validation. Hang on to that.

Sometimes I used to print out my posts and all the answers so I could read them again, and see how I continued to engage in the same patterns. I found it very helpful.

Strength and honor to you.

Echo

 

[Snow White]

Sometimes I used to print out my posts and all the answers so I could read them again, and see how I continued to engage in the same patterns. I found it very helpful.
Echo

Yes, I find it helpful to re-read posts (and also keep up with others who are posting). It reinforces everything.

Late last night I found out more stuff that just breaks my heart. I belong to a FB travel group (this group was of great assistance when daughter was robbed last year in Asia and has also had members step up for this 'surgical intervention') and I am a moderator of one of the sub-groups. It turns out that someone reported the GoFundMe accounts (she has 2 - one she set up for her "awareness cycling trip" and the other was set up by a FB friend for her medical costs) as fraudulent. GoFundMe investigated and found that they are legit (technically they're immoral but so are many others). I guess daughter feels that the travel site administrator and myself are the ones who made the fraud claims. We did not.

In the meantime, the other moderators in the sub-group have just figured out that I am "that Mom" and have sent me the posts, messages and video link that my daughter has gone public with. She posted a 40 minute video from her hospital bed about her "life" and how I beat her when she was a child and did terrible things while working in an operating room. She was never physically or emotionally abused...and I worked in a hospital but never in the OR. My daughter has given everyone my name and personal contact info (email, phone #'s, etc.). She stated in the video that she was going to use the video for legal purposes (most likely against me) but then admitted she was under the influence of morphine! I was not actually able to view the video personally - and for that I am grateful. It feels like such a betrayal.

On a funny note - I always thought her "book" was going to come out before the "movie". Guess I was wrong.

One of the other travel moderators who daughter messaged felt so badly for her that they offered to fly there immediately from Australia to be by her bedside. Only days later, daughter blocked this woman who was willing to fly 5 hours and drive 5 more hours to help her. I guess daughter's paranoia that she will be "outed" is making her have to limit the circle of people she is feeding her info to. The moderator felt so devastated. We talked on the phone until the wee hours of this morning and she made me feel so much better and at the same time, she learned so much.

And at 5:30 am, the phone calls from Thailand started. I did not answer the phone.