Need help (or an intervention) - she stepped up her game

[recoveringenabler]

Well, she sure has worked herself up into a real lather. Wow. Crying for YOU is a really big step, I understand how significant that is having experienced that as well. It's healthy. Go do something wildly wonderful just for you today.......man, you deserve it!!

 

[GoingNorth]

If she can compose and type an email like this, she isn't deathly ill. Period. I don't know what her game is other than wanting money and attention.

Obviously, foreign hospitals do not have the Hill-Burton agreement and may not be required to treat the indigent and uninsured.

I've heard of people in the US having to make deposits before being able to start chemotherapy, etc., as well.

 

[ksm]

I am so sorry you have to read crap like that. I agree, if she is well enough to vent that length of an email or post...she isn't deathly sick. Even if she had a doctor call you, I would still wonder if it was legit... Like the little boy who cried wolf...

KSM

 

[BusynMember]

I'm sorry she wrongfully hurt you. I guess she won't ask for anything from you again (Don't count on it). I'm sure you'll hear from her again.

 

[pasajes4]

......and the Oscar goes to __________ for best actress in a foriegn medical drama

 

[Sister's Keeper]

The long and short of it is that she wants money, and I don't believe for 1 minute it is going to medical care. I admit I have no knowledge of the Thai medical system, but if she were truly gravely ill I think someone more "official" than another drifter she met along the way would be contacting you.

Someone on death's door from sepsis wouldn't be able to send an email like that. She is angry because she is not getting the attention, sympathy, and money she wants.

My answer to her would be, "I am sorry that you are upset, but there is little I can do, other than offer good thoughts or prayers. We are no longer in the position to be able to offer you financial support. Perhaps your best option would be to contact the embassy or the Red Cross."

 

[AppleCori]

Wow, Mcdonna, I am sorry that your daughter is sending you such horrible emails. She has truly upped ante, this time, to keep you jumping through her hoops. Those words are vicious, hateful, and hurtful.

It's very telling that your mom and other family members are not buying her story, either. The people that know her best and longest have seen all this before, and they are all getting tired of it.

Strange story--

About eight years ago, my mom got a call out of the blue from someone that I had known as a teen, looking for me. Not really even a friend, but more of an acquaintance. My mom has a unique and unusual last name (which was mine also when she knew me), so it didn't take much to find her. I did wonder why she would want to contact me after so many years, but I happened to be traveling to the state she was in, and I called her to take her to lunch.

Well, it didn't take long before she asked me for money--several thousand dollars! I forget what it was exactly for, but she wanted to start a business supposedly and so forth and needed money to get that going. Of course, I didn't give her any, and she subsequently contacted me several more times asking for smaller and smaller amounts of money, but I declined each time.

Eventually, I was cut off and haven't heard from her for years. I wonder if she had finally run out of people that would buy her stories, and was reaching far afield.

Anyway, I feel sorry for the people that your daughter is taking advantage of, and I am sorry that she doesn't seem to feel bad about duping them.

 

[Albatross]

I'm so sorry, McDonna. What a cruel, cruel thing to do. Even more so because it seems so calculated, in light of her "last chance" and "tread carefully" messages.

The way I see it, she upped the ante, set the stage, and then you didn't follow her script.

How dare you!!

So she's lost some of her power, and she doesn't like it one bit.

Sorry if I am out of line here, but I think she needs to lose some more power in your relationship if she says such horrible things to you, all because you didn't fall for her obvious manipulation.

Wow.

You would have been well within your rights to call her out on her BS.

If you played the game like she does you would have called her out publicly.

I think she would be doing both you and herself a favor if she DID leave you out of fixing her messes for awhile. I hope she follows through with her promises.

If it helps to hear this, my son sent me a series of very similar messages when I wouldn't help him out of a (self-imposed) jam a few months ago. (The messages are so similar it makes me wonder which page of the d.c. handbook they referenced.) I didn't bite, though I did go through some miserable weeks when he blocked his family from FB and dropped out of sight, leaving me worried that our last conversation would be a cruel one. We eventually mended our fences to some degree, though of course far from perfect, or even far from "normal." But at least he doesn't talk to me like that anymore.

 

[Lil]

I'm just so sorry. How horrible to have to read that. I like sister's jeepers response. You don't have money, so you can't send money. You can call the embassy.

I'm so sorry you were hurt.

 

[Snow White]

I was feeling pretty confident that I had figured out her game but I just got a telephone call from Global Affairs Canada. The Consular Advisor in Thailand has been in contact with my daughter (and the FB friend in the US). They called to advise me of the basics that I already know, using phrases that daughter used (endometriosis, some kind of cyst rupturing, sepsis/septic shock). He also told me she is having surgery in a few hours, although he didn't know any of the surgical details.

He reminded me that the Embassy/Government will not pay for out of country medical expenses and that she might need my financial assistance. I told him that we are pretty much tapped out from her 6 other hospital/jail charges over the past 2 years.

Even though I'm reeling from her earlier email, I sent a new email (almost identical to my previous one) to daughter and wished her well for the surgery and recovery. She's active on social media right now but I am blocked. Clearly she is not in septic shock.

If she is having surgery, I'm suspecting that its a laparoscopy (diagnostic) rather than laparotomy (exploratory). But I guess time will tell.

Albatross - we should start a book now so that future parents in our position would know what to expect! So sad that we have this in common. Lil, I'm sticking to our poor financial situation (which it actually is at this very moment).

 

[ksm]

So sorry... I wonder how much he verified the story...or if he was ustrepeating what she said? With all the privacy laws...I can't even give the clinic the correct ins info! They told me she has to. They was back in August. She still hasn't.

KSM

 

[Snow White]

KSM, it sounded like he was repeating just what she said. She gave permission for him to talk to us. But it doesn't sound like she gave permission for them to speak to her surgeon/hospital staff. That makes me a bit suspect.

Regardless of how I feel, I will still worry about her and hope that her medical problems are fixed soon.

Yes, it is difficult to get any info on daughter with all of these privacy laws. I understand it to a certain point but at other times I don't.

 

[Snow White]

Surgery happened. Don't know what kind. She will be in hospital for 3 days. Someone had a connection to a travel group on FB - they banded together and got a lawyer and a peace corps member to visit her in hospital. Nice photo op. A couple of daughter's so-called "friends" made comments about me and husband not caring at all about her. Just had to bite my tongue.

Her gofundme page is now up to $2K. They've changed the wording so now it's her medical bill cause and not the endometriosis.

I feel sad for my daughter yet strangely calm. Is this normal?

 

[GoingNorth]

Sounds like a lap. For an exploratory, it's same day usually. For repair/removal, it's 2-3 days. In the 80's in Germany, I was kept for a WEEK after a D&C. Had one in the states and it was day surgery.

When I had surgery for the intestinal obstruction, it was supposed to be 5 days in hospital. I got peritonitis and then a C.diff infection and spent 19 days in the hospital.

The norm for a laparotomy is 5 days, less sometimes if the patient is in good health and nothing needs to be done other than having a good look around.

 

[recoveringenabler]

I feel sad for my daughter yet strangely calm. Is this normal?

Your daughter worked it out. Good for her. Good for you.

I don't know if this is the same feeling you're experiencing, but when I have stepped back and observed other resources becoming available to my daughter that weren't instigated by me, I feel a sense of calm and relief and an overall sense of "serenity" if you will. Perhaps in letting go of the control, of the enabling, what takes it's place is peace of mind. That's been my continuing experience with each "let go"....... as acceptance of 'what is' emerges.

 

[Albatross]

I am glad she worked it out, McDonna. Whatever is going on, I hope she feels better and is released soon.

I am sorry that others felt the need to comment on you and husband. They have no knowledge of your situation and your history. Glad you bit your tongue. I suspect that even if you explained, they wouldn't hear you.

 

[AppleCori]

Mcdonna,

I think you are realizing that your daughter has the ability to get what she wants from people, and you don't need to jump in and save her and march to her tune.

Yes, she is probably using and abusing these kindhearted people, but at least you know that she is OK.

Everyone thinks that they are a good judge of character, but the fact is, very few of us know anyone that would fake an illness. It is not something most people would even consider (unless you have been burned continually by someone who does it) so these people jump to the conclusions that she wants them to make--namely, that you are the bad guys who don't care.

It also serves to shame you and force you to beg, grovel, and send money (that you probably either don't have or can't afford to spend)!

Do you have a therapist or some sort of support group?

This has got to be very isolating.

 

[Sister's Keeper]

McDonna,

A doctor once told me that "illness is the ultimate manipulator."

Think about it. If you are sick people are expected to dote on you. They are expected to be kind to you and do things for you. Illness absolves you of any responsibility in what is going on because it isn't your fault that you are sick, and you can act like any kind of witch you want because you are sick.

Manipulative people lie or exaggerate illness all the time. McDonna, don't feed into it. The best thing is to just "skim the surface" so to speak. Don't confront her or call her on it and don't feed into it. She wants a reaction. She wants to get you upset in one way or another. If she is able to illicit a reaction she has control. A simple, "I am glad you are felling better." or "I'm sorry you aren't feeling well." and stick to the line, "We don't have the money."

 

[Childofmine]

McDonna, just catching up with this thread, and read all of the posts.

You did amazing! Kudos to you for staying the course with a kind message and setting boundaries about your involvement.

And see...she got things solved. Isn't it interesting how that happens? Isn't that just so interesting?

If she can compose and type an email like this, she isn't deathly ill. Period. I don't know what her game is other than wanting money and attention.

I think this is 100 percent on the money. That doesn't mean she wasn't having troubles, but she was using those troubles to hook you once again.

And since you were physically a long way away, and emotionally to the place where you didn't react, but responded, you were able to stand back, stand down and let her do whatever she was going to do.

I used to feel the strange sense of calm, like you are feeling, and then the tears, about how sad it all is, when I was able to let go of Difficult Child and just stand back.

He had multiple "emergencies", including hospital stays, and there was a lot of drama, leaving the hospital AMA, anger, disrespect, yelling at me in the ER, etc.

All I know is this: It's not supposed to be this way.

When our DCs are sick or ill, it's so different than when other adults are sick or ill.

And once we respond differently, things start to change. You are seeing that.

I would deep breathe, be glad you're blocked from her FB, and pray for her well-being. You can't do a thing anyway except embrace the uncertainty of life, and the letting go.

Believe me, she'll be back.

Hang in there, and I'm hoping both you and she are better tonight.

 

[Mamacat]

Childofmine, what you said about Mcdonna and her son reminds me so much of my daughter and myself she has moved abound 1,000 miles away and took my two granddaughters who I love dearly. I've helped so much. Just gave her almost $900 last month, the month she left. She left with very little money. Don't know where she thought she'd live, has bad credit. I think she thought some abused women's group would help her find a place. Well, I guess that didn't work out and she asked my husband and i to sign for an apt.We said no. That was it. Haven't from her since, 3 weeks. I've said no before but for some reason , this was it for her. Well, I take that back. She stopped talking to me for two months when I wouldn't sign for a car. I don't want to sign for anything. So instead I "sold" her my car, which she doesn't pay for. She's far enough away that I can do nothing but today I'm sad. I'm asking why? I don't get it. She lives on a whim. No thought of consequences of decisions. Liked my husband says we're left to pick up the pieces. I don't want to do it anymore. 71 years old and tired.