Need help (or an intervention) - she stepped up her game

[Tiredof33]

I truly hope she will accept medical help. My son will not. He does have months where he appears very normal. Then he starts telling about a new bible he is writing lol.

My son's girlfriend was the most bi polar person I have known. There must be side effects to the medications that they don't like. She stopped taking her medications too. I guess my son's attraction was a kindred soul, he says she was the love of his life. Most people get burned out on their drama and distance themselves from them.

It is so frustrating isn't it?

(((hugs and blessings)))

 

[recoveringenabler]

Wow. She has really created quite the mess hasn't she?

Stay strong and continue keeping your boundaries intact. You're doing great! We're here for you.....

 

[AppleCori]

My daughter has been diagnosed bipolar and has been on many different medications in the last decade.

She has a very stressful job and her main complaints about the medications are the side-effects, mainly feeling groggy and unable to stay awake in the mornings, unable to concentrate, feeling dull and not very creative. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be any medications that don't have side-effects, at least for her.

I really don't know if she takes them regularly, and my suspicion is that she doesn't. I noticed that she was very stressed and on edge when I visited a couple of months ago. I feel so bad that she has to live this way.

 

[Snow White]

Hello...it's me...I was wondering if after all these "months" you'd like to meet...to go over everything (so fitting that Adele knows my story)! I see so many familiar faces and a whole bunch of new ones. I will be spending the next day or so trying to catch up.

I took a much needed sabbatical from the forum, which probably was not a good idea. Husband and I had some nice time to ourselves and just basically recovered from daughter's actions last October.

To summarize: daughter took off from Thailand before she could be arrested or detained under a mental health warrant. In the meantime, some of her GofundMe money was given back to her. Friends had also set up a PayPal account for her - apparently one kind lady gave her $10K. She went straight to Nepal, where she is now. On arrival in Nepal, she called to say she needed emergency hospital treatment (still had her IV in her hand from Thailand). I didn't fall for that one and she managed to live. She has spent the past 7 months doing whatever pleases her there. We would get the occasional call - conversation was very guarded on our end. She continues to complain of surgical complications, etc. but yet can go skydiving, hiking and do workouts. Still says she has no money. Wanted me to send her a spare laptop, if I had one!

Get a call 2 weeks ago from her. Things are going ok but her latest boyfriend is being abusive. She says he is borderline (takes one to know one?) and does drugs. Next thing, she calls a few days ago and is in the hospital because she slit her arm. Ramped up the drama with, "Lost 5 litres of blood, went into cardiac arrest in the ambulance, had a 3 hour surgery to repair 3 arteries, was in ICU for 3 days", etc. Now I'm supposed to have a flight back to Canada booked immediately for her. Seriously? Sure, I'll shell out $1500 for a one way ticket and let her stay in our house while she "figures things out."

I asked her what her plans were. She replied that she could only think about "right now" and that if I was any kind of mother, I'd be taking care of this right away. I told her I was not responsible for her self-injury, her hospitalization or any other problem she is having. She said the reason she dates 'bad' guys and tries to kill herself is because of me. She said that I should be so happy she is still alive - after all, she's never tried suicide before. I reminded her of all of the intentional drug overdoses, etc. but apparently those didn't count. She asked if I have made arrangements for her flight home. I told her I had not. She then told me (crying) that she never wants to hear from me again; no Christmas emails, no phone calls, nothing. I told her if that's what she wishes, then I will oblige. I said goodbye and disconnected the call.

I'm really starting to feel like Mommy Dearest. As I shared the phone call info with my husband, I could just hear his depression starting up again. I have just finalized (again) our trip to Scotland & Norway (that we had to cancel because of her drama last fall). I'm figuring she is going to show up on our doorstep any day...or worse...when we're out of the country.

I'm waiting for our psychiatrist (friend of ours who also treated our daughter) to set up a meeting for husband and myself.

 

[Lil]

Oh McDonna, I'm so sorry that this has ramped up again. Sounds like she's taken things to the next level this time. You can't believe her; you know that. You can't believe she was even in the hospital, much less all the rest. You're completely right to say what you said....which I'm sure doesn't make it any less horrible for you.

 

[BusynMember]

McDonna, you are doing great and daughter sounds borderline and thinks nothing of cheating kind people out of their money.

Frankly, she sounds frightening and dangerous to you in my opinion. How about Daughter Dearest???? She is marvelous at laying on a phony guilt trip.

NEVER send her a dime. She is a con artisi, a thief and a fraud. NEVER let this dangerous sick grown woman live with you again. EVER!!!

Have fun, like you have been doing. Enjoy your husband and other positive people in your life. Disconnect your phone the first time your daughter, who is living off of knowingly cheating good hearted people out of money, HANG UP the first utterances of her abuse of you.

This is not you. This is her. She is a great actress and a con artist and maybe rather than borderline is actually antisocial. She may take all your money if she ever finds a way. And not feel an ounce of remorse.

Guard yourself from this adult. She us cunning, manipulative and her fake GoFundMe accounts make her a liar and a thief. And its NOT in any way because of you. She has no empathy. Some are born this way, studies are beginning to show.

Do take care! Your daughter, sadly, is not normal and you must be aware. Change ypur locks before you leave. Call tje police if she just shows up. Only meet hervin public. Lock up your credit cards and bank statements in a lock box in case she manages to break in anyway. Dont tell her of your vacarton plans.

Your dear husband deserves peace and so do you. At her age and with the conning she has done, i fear she is much more a threat to totally destroy you than most of the adult k8ds on this forum. Who does fake GoFundMe pages????

I hope you stay away and safeguard all you have. We had one woman here long ago whose grown dauvhter got into her account and stole everything and she lost all she had. And the woman never was able to get anything back or any justice. She was to the point she wanted justice. And had no desire to ever see daughter again.

 

[DoneDad]

Running international con games is pretty serious stuff. Hope the psychiatrist is helpful. I would go on my trip (after securing the house) and try to enjoy it. Sounds like she's on a never-ending vacation and expects you to foot the bill for it. Maybe going no contact would be your best option?

 

[susiestar]

You NEED to get your locks changed ASAP. If this daughter shows up at your house, do NOT ever let her into your home. Do NOT ever let her bring so much as a purse into your home. Be SURE you know the tenancy laws in your state.

She is the kind who would insist you have the cops throw her out, and then would claim she had been there overnight at least (knowing if staying even overnight would give her rights of tenancy, which in some cities and states it actually does, which means you have to give a 30 day eviction notice). In that case, the cops won't make her leave because they won't know who is telling the truth, and no court is going to get a case that minor in to be heard in less than 30 days. So you will have to house her (and feed her because she isn't going to buy food or anything else) for at least 30 days.

So do not EVER allow her into your home. Get the locks changed if they were not changed since the last time she was in your home. Make absolutely sure that ALL of your neighbors know to call the cops if they see her anywhere near your home. Let them know you hate it, but she has threatened you on multiple occasions and you just don 't feel safe with her anywhere near your home as she is mentally ill. Usually that is enough that neighbors will call the cops as THEY don't feel safe. That is what you want.

Don't let her rob you of your life. This isn't your fault or your husbands. She is an adult, it is on her. Period. End of discussion. Insist your husband take medications if he is going into a depression. I had to do that with my husband. He fought me for a while, but it makes such a difference in how he feels that he admits that I am right to insist that he stay on the medications.

 

[Albatross]

Oh no, McDonna. I have thought of you often and wondered how everything shook out.

I am so sorry to read that she not only managed to continue her scheming but has even managed to ramp it up.

You have no cause, NONE, to feel any negativity toward yourself or your parenting, AT ALL. This is her, not on you.

NOTHING you said or did as a parent would warrant the kind of behavior she exhibits. If you were the sort of person who was both capable of and inclined to instill such a lack of empathy in another human being, I seriously doubt you would waste your time posting on these forums.

I'm so, so sorry for the anguish and anxiety you must feel. I hope you will take whatever precautions are necessary to secure your home, then go on your trip. Don't let her spoil this again for you.

 

[BusynMember]

It is probably hard to hear these things, McDonna. I am sorry. I think you know all this, but sometimes it can be worse if others confirm it. Still...we want you to see her clearly so you can stay safe, enjoy your life, and take your much deserved vacation.

Your pain touches all of us.

 

[recoveringenabler]

I'm sorry the saga with your daughter continues. I know how difficult this is for you.

As others have mentioned, please do everything you can to protect yourselves, especially when you are out of the country and your home is vulnerable. I don't know the laws in Canada, but you might look into a restraining order or however you can protect your home and belongings.

As always, be very kind to yourself, take care of your needs first...

Sending you warm wishes for peace of mind........

 

[Snow White]

Thank you so much! Each and every one of you has hit the various nails square on: @Lil, @SWOT, @DoneDad, @Albatross, @susiestar and @recoverningenabler

Your insight makes me think you have lived in our house (or at least looked in from above - I believe that's where the angels are)! You have confirmed:

• You can't believe her; you know that. You can't believe she was even in the hospital, much less all the rest.
• Sounds like she's on a never-ending vacation and expects you to foot the bill for it.
• NEVER send her a dime. She is a con artist, a thief and a fraud. NEVER let this dangerous sick grown woman live with you again. EVER!!!
• She is the kind who would insist you have the cops throw her out, and then would claim she had been there overnight at least.
• You have no cause, NONE, to feel any negativity toward yourself or your parenting, AT ALL. This is her, not on you.
• I would go on my trip (after securing the house) and try to enjoy it.

Luckily, in Canada the tenancy laws are different. She wouldn't be able to claim she lived with us. She would have to show proof of rent paid. With the police call history, it wouldn't take much for them to figure it out.

I gardened all evening and mulled over the day. It almost frightened me when I came to the conclusion that OUR daughter is really dangerous. I never thought of it in those terms. Made the excuses (she has mental illness, she grew up emotionally challenged, we must have done something wrong, she missed out on _____, blah, blah, blah). She had all the opportunities her brother had (and more). SHE.....IS......DANGEROUS. There, I've said it out loud. She has no empathy, no remorse, no sympathy.....nothing.

We are going on our trip. Daughter will not be told anything of this. Relatives we are visiting will be warned not to communicate our plans with her. She has been off social media since her escapade in Thailand (says people are after her now). And she thought they would just let this 'breeze over'??? Our son will stay at our house while we are away (taking care of the dogs, too). He will have instructions to call 911 should she decide to come home and get in the house while we are gone. Best of all.....we are going to have fun on this trip!!!!

Hubby is already on anti-depressant for his head injury from years ago. I think reading him your messages last night really helped (it's like "couple's therapy") We are looking forward to our visit with our psychiatrist friend.

 

[BusynMember]

McDonna, you are finally on your way to healing.

It is hard for all moms to face the truth about difficult adult children. We all make exvuses, I think. At first. But we matter too and there comes a time when we get clarity and move on.

This is absolutely not your fault. Enjoy your husband, son and other positive people in your life. And hug those dogs! I know they can be like the best therapy!

 

[Snow White]

So, it's almost like she knows the much needed vacation for hubby and I is right around the corner.

Daughter has been living (I'm sure quite well on the $$$ she ripped off from the GoFundMe accounts) in Nepal since November. In the meantime, she's had a few ups & downs since my last post in June. Of course, she kept an on-and-off relationship with the "abusive" boyfriend. In May she decided to "slash" her arm. She called from the hospital to say she had lost 5 litres of blood (Really??? You only have 5 litres in your body), severed 3 arteries (there are only 2 where she cut but maybe she grew a 3rd one) and went into cardiac arrest in the ambulance. From the photo she sent it looks to be a 4 inch slash requiring about 16 stitches. Says she's had some issues with police when drinking. So now she has overstayed her visa big-time and needs to get out of the country. She tried to land-cross into India and got busted for being 55 days over her visa limit. Said she became ill on the bus and was taken to the hospital in the city where she had been staying and supposedly told she had "fatty liver" (drama #1). Told her to stop the alcohol/drugs and high fat foods. She then went to Kathmandu to "deal with her overstay/visa" (drama #2). Today she called to say she is being deported and that she needs me to pay for her flight back to Canada (drama #3). Told her NO. No money. She said, "at least $500 then." I said, NO. Sorry. Can't help but I'm sure you'll figure it out. I don't believe that she is being officially "deported" but rather being told to pay the fine and get out of the country. If they really wanted to deport her, they would pay for her flight out. She's not being detained but says they are 'holding her passport for the weekend until the government offices open up again on Monday." I can't separate the lies from the truths anymore.

I'm not taking her back in our house. I sent her the web page info from our government's website that says they will give an emergency loan for a flight back if you are without sufficient means, with repayment to be made in 30 days. She can figure out the details from there.

And of course, we had to go and do something really "dramatic" and allowed a friend (in fact, she is one of daughter's former respite workers from way back, who we've kept a strong relationship with) to move in temporarily, as she has found herself in a bad way. She's been with us a few weeks now and does pull her weight as far as household chores go - more than our daughter ever did - but she has some things to sort out and they weigh on us a bit. I think we are viewing her as our "surrogate daughter", who actually wants and needs some help, unlike our own daughter. We thought that with our friend being at the house, we had someone to care for our animals, keep the house safe, etc.

Now all I'm worrying about is daughter coming home and bullying her way into the house. This just sucks the life out of me.

 

[BusynMember]

This is just a suggestion. Your thread is so long Id start a new one. People may get lost in the length of it and not read to the end.

Your daughter can only get in your house if you allow it. It is 100% your choice. Your daughter is the same as always. She is lying, freeloading, asking for money etc. Dont let her bully you. Dont communicate with her, if necessary.

Time for you and hub to take care of just you. You dont need to be taking care of another adult (surrogate daughter). If she is not self sustaining at her age, you may find out she is just another mess. You cant rescue her either.


I hope you go on and enjoy that vacation.

 

[Littleboylost]

I am new here and I am sorry for your troubles McD. My view is nothing you have said or done over the past year or so has changed her behavior one bit. If she can scheme and con she can seek help if she chooses. Not your circus not your monkey. Be strong go and enjoy your vacation if house is left in the hands of your current house guest. Make sure she know 100% daughter not allowed in and to call 911 ASAP if she shows up.

 

[mof]

I'm sorry, but when you get into her drama it's funny it's so unbelievable!!! I've heard of finding your self in travel, but she seems to have taken the European/ Asian healthcare tour.

Stick to your guns, I would block her number while on vacation...let's face it, nothing's gonna change.

It's nice you want to nurture someone, but you need a break...maybe a puppy!

Go and experience some joy!!!

 

[pasajes4]

I would be concerned that your house guest/daughter's friend might let her in the house.

 

[BusynMember]

I love the idea of a dog. They need amd love you. Rescue one!

You can help a functional adult who hit hard times...say a mother who works and takes good care of her kids with no help from you, but tragically her husband is hurt in a car accident. You can go there and help until he gets better and they will appreciate it but go back to being independent ASAP. If you do that with an adult who has never stood alone, it doesnt work. The help you offer becomes their lifestyle and they have no gratitude...they dont learn or grow and you become The Bank. If you dare to say enough, its abuse from them.

Your daughter is conning multitudes of people all across the globe with her fake gofundme accounts plus she seems to like being sick and getting cared for...there is a name for this, but I forgot it.

Please remember only she can realize who she is and change herself. You deserve to enjoy the rest of your life. You seem very kind and loving. Be good to yourself. You did not cause this, not in word, deed, or by example. Amazing what some adult kids pick up...usually it is not due to us.

 

[DoneDad]

It's Munchausen syndrome.

Munchausen Syndrome