need some input

[Estherfromjerusalem]

Suz, I've been thinking and thinking all day long about what advice I have to offer Stands.

Since thank heavens my difficult child isn't on drugs and hasn't been, I don't really feel qualified to give any direct advice with any confidence.

I think in this case I would say, carry on going to your counselor, and to Al-Anon, hoping that if you persevere in going to these places, you will receive the input that will give you the strength to act towards your son in the best possible way to get him to understand where the limits are, and that you will have the strength to set YOUR limits. And that when you weaken, each time you go to your counselor or to Al-Anon, they will reinforce your strength to give you the strength to carry on in that way.

And in the meantime, Stands, I send you a hug. And I hope that in the future you will write and tell us about any progress.

I know this probably isn't very helpful, but usually when I don't feel qualified to give advice, I just don't, or I might just send a hug.

Love, Esther

 

[standswithcourage]

I appreciate the advice. I have thought about it too and understand viewpoints. It is supposed to be a soft place to land but sometimes it is not. My mind is detaching from his problems more than it seems. It is hard for me because he is in my house right now. He still wants to go to a family doctor and get his "nerve" pills since he cant smoke pot. My mind starts wondering if he does need it and then I have to redirect my thinking to knowing he doesnt need it. It is a constant battle and it wears me down. I teach school and am tired when I come home - then I have to walk into this and his stresses and anxiousness and it is unbelievable. I know I let him back in but I cant focus on that and beat myself up for a decision I made. I have to move forward but sometimes I just feel stuck and my life is on hhold. I believe I will change therapists. I feel maybe I am not getting what I need from this one. I need to move on. I go to Alanon every Monday night and have been for years. It is about the onlly night I can go every week. I would go to an NA meeting with my son if he wanted to. thanks for listening.

 

[standswithcourage]

Also I appreciate Esther. She seems to have a heart. The comment that was made about my younger son was totally inappropriate. It is very bad publicity for someone especially someone new to the board to see such hatefulness - and that it is allowed to go on. My sympathies to the person that said that to me. This is not a soft place to land. I read the post to my younger son and he started laughing and told me not to listen to it. It just made me feel even worse and I cant believe that is what this board is for. It is such a sad thing to think that peoople have to get bashed instead of lifted up when they are l ow. I feel so bad for some on this board. Maybe bashing someone else helps there self esteem because they are so miserable but I will never do that to anyone. I know how it feels.

 

[Nomad]

If you feel strongly about this, it might very well be a good idea to go to another therapist. You might try simply talking with your therapist about your concerns first to see if this works. Bottom line...a desire to move forward...to get "unstuck" is a good thing. And if this person is not the right "fit," it is fine to look for someone else. It's possible there is another therapist in your community with more experience in this area.

In addition...you might want to consider couples counseling. Your spouse will present the situation in ways that you are not seeing it. Together...the full scenario might unfold and new ideas might be brought to the table.

Sounds like you have your work cut out for you, but you are prepared to tackle it. Good job! Wishing you well.

 

[Star*]

Susan -

I'll tell you from experience you can attend NA meetings. I went to Alanon, Narcanon, AA, and CA. I belive I actually got more out of NA than anything else. LIstening to people who are battling addiciton and not related to me at the time gave me a better understanding.

You may even find someone there like I did that has MANY MANY years (at least 15) sobriety and clean - and get some helpful suggestions or basically advice from the horses mouth so to speak on what he/she would think is the best thing for you to do.

I can tell you that NOTHING I heard sounded good. From friends their advice all sounded like I could have said "Uh huh - yeah, sure I bet you're lying, I'm stronger than THAT or I can make love change him." but with the person I sat and talked to from NA? He had no reason to BS me. He didn't KNOW my x, or my family or what all I had been through in 10 years - he just knew where I should NOT be in the next one year.

Where ever you can find that kind of advice? Take it gladly - use what you can and know that not everyone (or so I thought at one time too) is out to destroy your relationship with your son no matter HOW much it feels like it. When you're ready to be "there" you'll be there.

Until then - keep going to counseling - keep learning to detach, and hang in there.

Hugs
Star

 

[CrazyinVA]

Sometimes it's hard to hear/read what we don't want to hear, especially if it's contrary to the path we're already on (and especially if that path is not working). I don't think anyone is intending to be harsh. In a way, this is the board's version of "tough love."

Susan, if you have been in Al-Anon for years, and have a sponsor, and have read Codependent No More, you may want to really think about why the concepts of all of those supports have not completely sunk in, and that you are still asking some of the same questions that a newcomer to Al-Anon, one not familiar with addiction, would be asking. This might be a good thing to bring up with your therapist. Where is the disconnect here? Why can't you "get it?" What do you need to "get it?" Maybe it's time to go to Nar-Anon.. or even NA, as suggested... to try a different tack. Same 12 steps, same concepts, but more specific to your own needs.

The other thing I want to point out is... in your postings, your focus continues to be on your son. I know that Al-Anon teaches us to NOT focus on the alcoholic (addict).. but to focus on ourselves. So do the Codependency books. It's an old fashioned concept, but maybe you should focus more on those "I" statements when you write... instead of talking about your son, talk about YOU. Don't talk about what he's doing, talk about what YOU are doing or not doing.

No, you don't need to beat yourself up about your choices. But, you have to take responsibility for them, and if the consequences of those choices are that more stress is brought into your life, you do have other choices you can make.

 

[everywoman]

Remember these three phrases:
I didn't cause it; I can't control it; I can't change it.
And work on finding some happiness in your life...whether it's a night out with husband, a good day at school with your students, a peaceful moment when the addiction is not in your uppermost thoughts.

 

[DammitJanet]

Oh EW...that is good!

I have found so much peace since we "placed" Cory out of our home. We gave him that good hard shove out the door. He was a bit scared, we were a bit scared but it did him soooooo much good. We all know now we should have done it sooner. I know now I kept him home out of guilt on my part. I kept him my baby too long. He IS my baby. I dont want to give up my baby. That is my problem.

My baby is turning into an adult now. We have a much better relationship than I ever thought we would have.

 

[Steely]

Stands, I just wanted to add something to this post.

First of all, I hope things are going a little better. After I asked if you had read co-dependent no more, I went back and re-read it myself. Co-dependency was the way I was raised, and the way I raised my son, and I am not sure I will ever get it out of my blood. But like you, I am trying.

Secondly, although there have been a handful of times I have felt mistreated or misunderstood on this board, it has been rare. Very rare. In fact, this board, is the most wonderful collection of people I have had the pleasure of being a part of.

So that being said, it just dawned on me what the disconnect for you here may be.
I rarely see you respond to other people's posts!
I think that is the wonderful part of the board, is the giving. And then sometimes, we take. For me, I do not feel valid posting something, unless I have at least responded to appx 10 others.
Perhaps you would feel the true spirit of the board and our soul - and we would see who you really are and your true spirit and soul - if you responded to others more often.

For me, the watercooler has been the place I have really connected to lately.
Hugs on your journey.

 

[Nomad]

Steely...
That is a really excellent point.

I think when we learn to give to others...we become a more well rounded individual.

(I'm not talking about in a co dependent manner...of course).

I don't think it's absolutely necessary to count the number of posts we respond to vs. how many we ask questions...but I totally understand your example. It makes sense that we would want to at least know that we have answered some folks questions when and where we are able prior to posting our own question (s). Sometimes we wont be able to give as much as other times. That's normal. However, no one should feel like he is always does more than the next guy. It's part of the give and take of life.

 

[ScentofCedar]

Well Suz, that's just it. Sometimes, we don't need advice. Sometimes, what we need is to know that others have been in the same, impossibly painful, place we are and have survived it.

Even today, some twenty years after things first started to fall apart, I am still coming back from where I needed to go to survive parenting my children.

Looking back, I wish I'd been stronger, wish I'd spent less time blaming myself ~ I wish lots of things. The one thing that never changes is my gratitude for having found this site. This is where we can see how others have walked through it, where they found strength, what they tried that worked. It shouldn't be a place of judgment. If we have no advice, we can at least assure the parent that he or she is not the only one to have felt the same, hopeless feelings.

If we see a wrongness, it is appropriate to name that, but not to condemn the parent who just doesn't know better, yet.

We all had to learn how to do this, and none of us got it right off the bat.

Barbara

 

[standswithcourage]

Thanks all for taking the time to post. I really appreciate it. I will now read someone elses post so maybe I can help them in some way.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Susan, your last post made me smile!

 

[Star*]

EVERYONE - has something to contribute.....

 

[Stella Johnson]

I haven't been around much in the last year or so. I read about once a week and lurk; I used to be very active on the board years ago.

I have to say I'm in shock. I understand people's frustration that someone does the same thing over and over and comes here with the same questions over and over but it isn't like Stands is the only one here that does this. I can think of at least 5 right now that do the same thing and have never gotten a response like this.

Seems like this is turning into a gang mentality. One person sets the tone and everyone else just jumps on board. This board has really changed. In past years this type of thing would never have been allowed.

When my difficult child was young she had been thrown out of ever day care in a 10 mile radius. I tried finding an alternative through everything I could think of. Called the Y, colleges, teachers and aids at school, everything I could think of trying to find someone to watch my difficult child for a few hours after school until I got home from work. I found nothing, no help at all. Couldn't get respite care, help through the state, or even CPS. CPS only answer was, "Well we can't help with day care and have no suggestions but if you leave her alone we will step in".

Anyway, I ended up having let my bipolar mother move in with me to watch difficult child while I worked. It was a nightmare. She undermined all my parenting, threw difficult child's medications away, lied about giving them to her, and made my life a living hell for a year.

I came here to vent about all the problems. My difficult child wasn't stable and my mother was off the charts.

There were 3 people on this board who constantly ganged up on me. They suggested that I leave my home with difficult child and live in a homeless shelter. They accused me of all kinds of things. (The main person leading the gange later ended up in federal prison for embezzlement from her employer) This was really a person who needed to be telling me how to live my life.

I finally got my mother out and difficult child was stabilized. I found other options for after school and all was well.

I guess my point is, we have all had some point in our lives where we seemed to be stuck in the same place. Eventually we figure out how to get it together and move on.

I don't think attacking someone is going to help them. It only makes them shut down and go deeper into their own misery. I'm in shock that people are treating her like this.

What ever happened to just not replying?

Steph

 

[Suz]

Steph, I appreciate your thoughts and remember your heartache. Please don't be offended that I am now going to lock this thread; I was going to lock it this morning anyway and just got back to it. We've discussed this issue further in a couple of subsequent threads; explanations and apologies have been made and hugs shared. I think it's helped all of us to talk about it and it's time to move on.

Suz