Need to remove myself

[DammitJanet]

You said one thing very interesting.

That you wouldnt worry so much if you didnt know.

I have said the very same thing. When Cory has been gone from home on jobs, I rarely worry or lose sleep wondering what he is up to or if he is ok. I dont even think about him. And trust me, the boy has worked doing some dangerous things. He has worked as electricians helper in the construction industry. He has worked doing other types of commercial construction. He could literally be killed. I never worried. Not to mention the other worries that could befall him out of town.

Out of sight, out of mind. Same with my other son.

Its when they live in my house that I have to know and worry. Knowing too much just causes stress.

Now you asked other questions I think. What have I done or some such thing. Im heavily medicated...lol. I go to therapy weekly. I for darn sure wouldnt put up with my son being on xanax and pain pills while living at my house for this long. I can see if he just had surgery...Cory had kidney stones and wasnt on pain pills this long. A wisdom tooth doesnt need pain pills this long. He is milking it. And what in gods name does he need xanax for? Who is prescribing it for him? They need their license yanked! The boy is an addict and they are giving him a potentially addictive benzo...smart! If he has anxiety, give him some valiarian root pills or buspar. He has pain, tylenol, motrin or aspirin. Maybe an ice pack.

If he hollers...oh well.

 

[SunnyFlorida]

I know you are a new teacher, which means that you can grasp concepts and can teach.

My suggestion is that you calm down, go to the sections on this site that describe the different disorders (not just the blogs) and start reading and learning about diagnosis and treatment options. To be informed does not mean you are diagnosing someone, you are just trying to understand the terminology.

You might want to look at http://www.crazymeds.org
This site uses very colorful language yet it kind of gives a down and dirty synopsis of medications.

Many MD's will not prescribe Xanax because it is addicting and anyone with drug seeking behaviors should not be using it. Many people sell it also and do other drugs.

My difficult child 1 has alot of anxiety, he takes Neurontin. good or bad, that's what his psychiatrist prescribed and. Personally I think its just an add on mood stabilizer that works with the lithium and the lamictal. Either way...that's all he's getting. He's got to learn "tools" to deal with anxiety...just like the rest of us.

If you are seeing a counselor, I think I'd change and find someone who is a little tougher on you. One who will teach you how to let go, one who will teach you that your job was to be a parent and not a friend to your difficult child. It's ok if your difficult child falls down, it's ok if they end up in jail, it's ok if they dig a huge hole and have difficulty getting out.
Part of life is the struggle.

My difficult child 2 told me the other day that he wants to buy his own boat. He wants to name it IGIBM (I got it by myself). It's the struggle that changes our difficult child's, in my humble opinion.

 

[Steely]

The last thing I would recommend you to do is to do a very concrete exercise. Either take a picture of you and your son - 2 separate pics - or draw 2 separate pictures of yourselves. Make them pretty big, blow them up so that they are even lifesize if you can.

Then I would suggest writing on the picture of your boy all he is capable of. Just list all the things he can and is able to do as a person, as an individual. You know, like, great cook, made A's in photography, loves animals. Black and white facts about what he is capable of doing as X the man.
"Frank is smart. Frank is funny. Frank is ABCD." That makes sense?

Then do the same with your picture. Right now all the things you are good at, and capable of. Black and white, tangible things, that have nothing to do with you as a mother, but you as a person.
"I am a successful business woman. I am a caring loving person. I love Ben and Jerry's ice cream." OK?

Now take these 2 separate pictures and hang your's somewhere like in the bathroom, or your bedroom. And hang your son's on the outside of his bedroom door.

Now every time you feel yourself feeling the tug of worrying, enabling, caring, or fixing things for your son I want you to walk to the picture of your kid and read all the thing he is capable of!

Do you see anywhere on his list something he is NOT capable? NO!

Do you see anywhere on his list where he needs you in order to be complete? NO!

Do you see anywhere on his list where it is required that you intervene in order for him to be OK? NO

Because he is a whole, complete, and functional human being without you.

Now walk back to your picture and read all of the things you are capable of and proud of in your own right. Stay by that picture until you can feel the tug of worry, enabling, and fear release itself from your mental grip. Stay there reading about you......only you. Once you feel the grip of enabling subside - THEN -
Go outside and go do something for you! It must be a treat of some sort, something only you love to do. Go shop, go to the park, go get a bite to eat - but you have to get out of the house - and do something just for you.

I challenge you to do this for one week, and in this order, and see where it leads you. Then let us know how it goes.

We will be thinking of you.

 

[scent of cedar]

Stands, you asked how to look at what is happening to our children from a different perspective.

Here is what I say.

I believed I had CAUSED difficult child's problems through poor parenting.

difficult child was not doing well.

I was the mom at home.

I MUST have been a bad mother, or difficult child would not be where he was.

That sort of thinking fueled my every waking moment.

Until I could get it that my reactions were not helping difficult child to make positive change (that my reactions were, in fact, enabling difficult child to blame anyone but himself for his situation) I could not stop blaming myself for what had happened.

What those of us whose children are using drugs need to understand is that it is the drugs that are the issue. Unless the child has displayed evidence of some imbalance serious enough to have been diagnosed prior to the time the child began using drugs ~ drug use is the issue.

For me, and for moms who think like me, the most important thing we could learn to say to our kids is: "Stop using drugs."

I say that to difficult child whenever I remember to say it ~ three, four times in a conversation. (Which is probably why he stopped calling for awhile, there!)

The second most important thing is: "I will never help you destroy yourself." Followed by: "You were raised better than this."

What we say instead is some derivative of "This is all my fault. I am so sorry that happened to you, and I will fix it."

And the addicted child never has to face himself. When he sees where he is in life, he has a ready-made scapegoat.

Mom.

And they hate us for it.

And we accept and encourage and keep taking responsibility and keep trying to help.

And we keep refusing to look at the drug piece. We see only the horrible things happening to our children and we wonder where we went wrong during the time we were raising them, that they should do such things.

At least, this is what seems to be true for me and for our family.

Is this the time to bring up things like pornography, I wonder? And the stretch-to-fit-all-situations values systems our drug using children seem to develop?

These things, pornography and a moral system so flexible it seems not to exist at all, are directly attributable to drug use, too.

That was an eye opener for me. We don't talk so often about pornography here on the site, but pornography and drug use go hand in hand because, at least for a little while, adding the charge pornography brings to the hit from the drug can bring an addict back up to the level of pleasure he used to get from the drug alone.

Eventually, the brain is so wrung out that even pornography no longer works, and the addict is just left trapped.

Nothing gives him pleasure, anymore.

Can you imagine how awful that must feel?

The things most helpful to me in getting from one minute to the next was posting here, banishing myself to the Detachment site ~ and the Serenity Prayer. (It still took me a good year or longer to climb out of the guilt-based depression I found myself in. I don't think there is an easy fix.)

Suz told me to read it as many times as it took me to get it.

I did.

It helped.

I am always posting that to everyone. If I already posted it for you Stands, I apologize. I would say it to myself when I woke up in the night worrying about difficult child.

Here you go.

God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the Courage to change the things I can,
and the Wisdom to know the difference.

You can do this, Stands.

Barbara

 

[standswithcourage]

Well you are right. Today I had to go to my other little job I love it too. I work at a shop that sells cookware, etc. I worked until 430 today - I got home and my easy child son had his friends here and they were having fun. My difficult child says his tooth hurts and to take him to the doctor, emergency room etc. I just got finished doing that and they prescribed him antibiotics, etc. Also they prescribed him percocet! I did not pay for them he did. Of course they are gone and now he needs more. He told me he could get moriphiine from a friend of his and that he was going to mow a yard and I could take him to get them and he would be in and out!!!! I have done that crap before, long time ago - I dont want to do it againi. I got Advil at the grocery store - and he has another antibiotic at the pharmacy. I cannot believe he just wants paiin medicine. I did not want a scene here either. He is not back yet so I guess maybe he got paid for his mowing jobs and went somewhere and got pain pills! Ihope he doesnt come back here and cause a problems about pain pills. He goes to a little town about 15 minutes from where we live now and sees his "friends" that have pills. I have stopped taking him there. I feel like getting in the car and leaving. My easy child son - one of his friends has a car - they are playing video games and laughing etc. My husband is deer hunting!! Anyway, what would you do?

 

[standswithcourage]

Everytime I read everyones posts it brings tears to my eyes. It is because no one knows except people like you guys that have been through it. I will do everything you said to do. And another thing is instead of saving his money for paying the probation officer he is spending it on pain pills and pot. Then he freaks out if he doesnt have any money! He will get paid for his last job on Friday. We will see what happens. Now I am just dreading him coming in here and having a fit about going to get pain pills.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Susan.

I stopped posting to you for several days because my frustration was at the point of no return. I'm still in a bit of shock that you are asking us "what should I do"?

You KNOW what to do.

Put him out of the house.

Everything that is going on is making your household a mess. It is making YOU a mess. He is manipulating you for pain killers. There is NO WAY his tooth is still that bad.

Kick him out.
Let him fall on his face.
DO NOT let him back in for ANY REASON.
THEN he will go for help.

Do you get the cause and effect? The if this, then that?

IF you let him stay there, THEN he will keep doing this. He will never change.

IF you make him leave, THEN he will HAVE to do something different.

For the love of all things that are good and holy, STOP enabling him!!

 

[standswithcourage]

OK bbk I get the point!!! Thanks. I know I am crazy and it doesnt make any sense to keep this going on. I told hiim today I didnt like his behaviour and that he needs to find another place to be if he is going to behave like this. I am so tired of going around this block but it is my own fault.

 

[goldenguru]

Barbara~

I am very interested in your idea that we as moms get stuck in the emotional phase where our kids began their serious struggles. (Sorry I know that's not a direct quote ... but I can't find the quote from you that has stuck in my brain).

Please help me understand what you mean ... because I think I am struggling with this exact thing.

I know I'm having a really hard time seeing my daughter as a 19 year old married woman with a baby. I struggle to see her as self sufficient and capable.

I wonder if part of it is the fact that she was physically out of our lives for 16 months (at Residential Treatment Center (RTC)). (???)

Should I start a new thread? I don't want to high jack this one.

 

[Suz]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Should I start a new thread? I don't want to high jack this one. </div></div>

A new thread sounds like a good idea, GG.

Suz

 

[SunnyFlorida]

"I told hiim today I didnt like his behaviour"

You told him you didn't like his behavior? 'scuze me Lucy....that's a bit weak :thumbsdown:

Do you realize, if you drive your difficult child someplace to by Morphine and he does not have a prescription and something happens for you to be pulled over you could get into trouble? You have a teaching license. What are you thinking?

I don't mean to be harsh, but you are crossing the line between enabling and and assisting :smile:

Are you basically allowing your difficult child to have illegal prescription drugs in your home and you have other minor children? Do you not think your other kids know what's going on? Don't you feel you have to protect them?

again, sorry if I'm harsh....I'm just confused. I don't understand how you can be a teacher 8hrs/day for Kindergartners, be a mom/teacher/guardian for your other kids, and then be an assistant/enabler to your adult difficult child who has no know mental health diagnosis and is telling you exactly how he wants to buy drugs and stay in your home. :thumbsdown:

 

[standswithcourage]

You know - I guess when you spell it out to me like that I understand that is what I am doing exactly. However, I did not take him anywhere - I told him he was not to bring anything in our home. He left with someone else and I havent heard from hiim since yesterday. Oh well - I am not going to cross that line ever again. He seems to think I will have pity on him because "his tooth hurts so bad" he just has to buy drugs to kill the pain. Bull..........I dont buy that at all and never have. If he was hurting that bad he wouldnt go mow grass somewhere and then disappear to buy pills. I am just wondereing what the Voc Rehab people will do. He will probably snow them into thinking he doesnt have a problem and then it will be us again to do the dirty work. Amazing! I am sorry for upsetting you! :hammer:

 

[scent of cedar]

I was just re-reading the archives advice I was given ~ the specific things you all told me to say.

Maybe something like that will help StandsWithCourage, too.

Here is a start:

1) No illegal drug use in my home.

2) I will call 911 and have you removed from this house the next time you pitch a fit.

3) This isn't working for me. You have one month to find another place to live.

4) Stop using drugs.

5) I will report you AND your drug-dealing friends if you bring drugs here ever again.

6) Make an appointment and get your wisdom teeth pulled.

Barbara

 

[standswithcourage]

Thanks! I cant keep from crying. I have been on this journey so long that I know better and what I should do. I know what is right and what is wrong. I just need to sit down and cry for a while - I just get so weary sometimes. :thumbsdown:

 

[Suz]

1) No illegal drug use in my home.

<span style="color: #FF0000">Or what?</span>

2) I will call 911 and have you removed from this house the next time you pitch a fit.

<span style="color: #FF0000">This works because it has a "rule" and a consequence.</span>

3) This isn't working for me. You have one month to find another place to live.

<span style="color: #FF0000">Or what?</span>

4) Stop using drugs.

<span style="color: #FF0000">Or what?</span>

5) I will report you AND your drug-dealing friends if you bring drugs here ever again.

<span style="color: #FF0000">But would she? This is one of those things you can't threaten to do if you can't follow through on it.</span>

6) Make an appointment and get your wisdom teeth pulled.

<span style="color: #FF0000">Or what?</span>

Barbara, I think that is a great idea, I'm just not convinced that SWC is at the point where she will follow through on these statements. See my comments in red above.

The comments we gave you were to help you detach, they weren't rules. I think all of us have suggested phrases, making up contracts, detaching to SWC already.

After hundreds of replies to her posts, I am beginning to believe that all SWC wants from us at this point is to vent....but not to enact change. And that's fine, if that's what she wants. So maybe all of us who are reading and replying (and starting to get frustrated), should consider her posts just that....vents...and we should stop giving advice that she is not ready- or willing- to use.

And we need to remember that it's her prerogative to use our advice...or not.

Suz

 

[goldenguru]

SWC~

Suz raises a fair point. What can we do to help you?

Do you need encouragement to practice tough love?

Do you just need to vent and be heard?

Do you really need/want advise on things you might do differently in your home??

Knowing this will help us respond appropriately ... and to best use our time and 'resources'.

 

[standswithcourage]

Thanks for all the posts. I wrote down all the rules that you gave. I will post them in my house somewhere. Yes I need encouragement to practice tough love - yes sometimes I just want to be heard - I am trying to do things different in my home. Maybe I shouldnt post until I am ready to do things different.

 

[meowbunny]

I think you should post as you need to, just be clear what you want from us. Comfort? A hug? That I know this group can do. If you want advice, that will be given by the basketful. If you can't follow the advice right now, just say so and we'll try to understand.

I think our frustration comes from seeing you put yourself through so much pain for a man who uses you. Not only are you in pain but you're endangering yourself, your future, your family. As important, you are not helping your son right now. You are helping him be a junkie.

If your son were a stranger, would you tolerate this behavior? Right now, he is not your son -- he is a man on drugs and until he is willing to get help to stop using drugs, he is not your son. Once you can accept that, I think you will be able to move on and start helping him. For now, we have to accept that you still see him as your beloved child rather than a man on drugs.

We'll try to stand by you. We may become frustrated but we'll still be there for you. So post as you need us, just try to be clear what you want from us.

 

[Suz]

Good points all. Thanks, everyone.

I think this is a good time to lock this thread so it doesn't become another one that goes on endlessly and in circles. :grin:

Susan, time to start a new thread and a new thought.

Suz