New member - daughter

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Baz45, Sep 11, 2018.

  1. Baz45

    Baz45 Baz45

    Daughter married cult/clan like family to beat her sister to the altar. She tells everyone she is happy and has three children. This past summer his mother, who lives two houses away and is in touch with our daughter daily, was sick. My husband and I helped the entire summer and our daughter acted like she did before marriage. His mother is better and has taken over again. So much more about this whole situation. It is confusing and complicated. Our daughter recently texted my husband and said I ruin everything and am not supportive of her family. How do we wake up our daughter? Both her husband and mother-in-law are manipulative and controlling.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I think just let it be. Getting defensive just makes people stick to the lies in their head. You wont convince your daughter of the truth by defending the truth. I know it sounds crazy but I have had experience with this and while all situations are different it is hard to get the bully/bullies to back down. Maybe pretend she never attacked you and move on or try. It sounds as if daughter is a full compliant member of this little band of liars and bullies. She is an adult and chose to go along with them but was perfectly fine being nice to you you when you were doing what she wanted. This is a sign to be careful of her. She can use and manipulate then turn on you.

    This is always hard for us, but she is bullying and abusing you and its not on his family. It is her. She is an adult and is being really mean. I dont know her history but she is gaslighting you now....telling you that her real life with you, the way it was, didnt happen. That is an abusive trait. I would call her once a week and be nice and avoid this topic. I would not send her money or exspensuve gifts that drain your retirement. They will not be appreciated and wont change anything. You need to put yourself first.

    There are no magic words to change her mangled words and behavior. Perhaps therapy would help you. Also living your best life for YOU is great. Hang out with loved ones who appreciate your kindness. Make new friends. Join classes or volunteer or start new hobbies. Go on a second honeymoon with your husband! Baby yourself. You cant control anyone but yourself so give yourself love and fun.

    I wish you the best. Love and ligjt!
     
    Last edited: Sep 11, 2018
  3. Baz45

    Baz45 Baz45

    Thank you for your reply,
     
  4. Baz45

    Baz45 Baz45

    I have reread your comment and I can't understand how someone could do this let alone our daughter. My husband and I both know she is brainwashed by him and his family. His family has a history of abuse. It is unfortunate but we know about this through one of their neighbors. Also we have heard him verbally abuse her as she had him on speaker phone. We worry about our grandchildren because they are already saying things that make no sense. The middle one, 3 yrs old, who looks like us is being picked on. Our other daughter has noticed this too.

    I have tried to talk to our daughter and she won't return anything. I think she has me blocked. This situation was going to happen no matter what was going on. I saw her changing back to the way she was as her mother in law seemed mad we were involved with the the grandchildren. Confusing, our daughter seems to have a loss of memory on everything we have done for her.
     
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    This is common in estrangement. I doubt they forget i think its more dont care.
    Often the SO and even family are a big part of it. We adopted a boy frim Asia when he was six and he estranged all of us after he got married.But it started after he met her. I have NO doubt that his wife was part of it. He worshipped her and she wanted him to herself and he was not strongly attached to us (or anyone) because of his six years in an orphanage .So he left, didnt explain why, and that was that. He isnt with his family much, works 80 hours a week. He has two boys I never met. But is this on his wife??

    To me, he is now 40 years old. He was 28 when he married, an adult. He is brilliant, has his own company, at least a mother in law, and never even went to college. He made the decision to go along with her. And anything written to him by me was unanswered so I got therapy and was able to learn to take care of myself, lean into my four other loving kids and my husband and build my life without him.

    In the case of your daughter the SO certainly probably talked trash about you but she chose to agree with him. I dont think you can fight them all. I would get therapy and decide where to go from there. Maybe lean on your kind loved ones, friends, etc. And learn to be good to yourself. For now there is nothing you can do to change them and grandparents have no legal rights in the U.S. for the most part. They did once but the Supreme Court took them away unless your own child dies or if the grands lived with you for an extended period of time. I checked. All states are a little different but not that much. For now you need to be able to let go with love and find happiness. You have no control over your daughter or anyone but yourself. Why not choose to be with those who are kind to you? I realize how hard this is but you dont really have a choice. I am sorry.

    Love and light!
     
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2018
  6. Baz45

    Baz45 Baz45

    It will be our son in laws birthday. Last year were not invited n our granddaughters told us our daughter told her that her daddy did not like us or r other granddaughter Em. So our family was not invited to their home. It his was. So do we just send a card or included a gift to because we r sure we will not be included.
     
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I wouldnt send a gift. That wont make him like you or be civilized. Why should you? If you really feel you have to send him a card I would make it very generic. Try not to make a big issue out of it. Do what you feel you must and move on. Maybe plan something fun with your other daughter oryourhuzband or both. Try not to obsess over this. It will not change anything and will hurt you and YOU matter!!
     
  8. Baz45

    Baz45 Baz45

    Another question- I n my husband need understanding.
    Just attended a baby shower for our son-in-law's bother. Everyone their was very nice and got to see n talk to my grandchildren. However, my daughter would not talk to me. Yet, this summer we did so much for her and she was just wonderful while her mother-in-law was ill. How do you go from a wonderful buddy daughter who called me, asked me to come over, to someone who will not look or talk to me. What is that? We really did not do anything terrible. She is now saying we don't support her family.
     
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You cant rationally work with somebody irrational. And your daughter is being irrational. She was nice to you when she needed you. She doesnt anymore so she is acting not nice again. Why? You may never know. She may not even know.

    Focus on yourself and your other loved ones who appreciate your kindness.
     
  10. Baz45

    Baz45 Baz45

    Should go over to c her and r grandchildren. Saw our One granddaughter on Saturday with her mother in law and she would not come near my husband n I. The mother in law said we should be visiting more. What do you think? Communication is important.