New Member......Need Help

[BusynMember]

I would let my daughter know. If my daughter were youngish in this age of too many boys violating girls by videotaping them naked, i would want my daughter to be very aware in the hopes that she would do her best to stay out of possibly embarassing situatuons.

Now SS did his deed without knowledge of the girls and that can happen too but it is a good time to emphasize how wrong this is and how it isnt your fault if it happens. If a good therapist you trust tells her, she should be okay and able to ask questions.

But I personally would only allow a female therapist to discuss girl issues with my daughter.

Jmo

 

[Copabanana]

I think there are risks to not tell daughter. She could find out another way. Stepson or another relative could tell her in a blaming or otherwise hurtful way. If you/the therapists tell her you control the info and how it is presented. You are available to answer questions. Help her with her feelings. Over time.

To not tell her you hide it. Why? Would she feel that it is her fault? Wrong? Why would others know and not her?that is how she could feel.

____

I see why the therapists do not want disclosure outside of the stepson. I do not want to get into it here but: he is a juvenile, he has not been charged or convicted of a crime. Even the law believes in the preponderance of change for a juvenile. Given that the therapists are coming down on the side of privacy for him.

Sumsky. if you push to out him I fear you have no legal standing and you might push your husband into a corner. I know some have advocated you leave the house or marriage. I think that is your decision to make.

You have secured your daughter's safety. You are not responsible to do more. School is responsible to protect the other kids. Not you. If there is obligation it is your husbands not yours.

I know there is strong, legitimate feeling to the contrary about stepson.There is no need to shoot me down. I have read the other posts. I am just responding with the other side of the coin.

 

[recoveringenabler]

You have excellent instincts and you know your daughter best, trust yourself. Timing may be important for this disclosure and you'd know that better than anyone. You're in the trenches with all of it....trust your intuition.

 

[Sumsky]

I think there are risks to not tell daughter. She could find out another way. Stepson or another relative could tell her in a blaming or otherwise hurtful way. If you/the therapists tell her you control the info and how it is presented. You are available to answer questions. Help her with her feelings. Over time.

To not tell her you hide it. Why? Would she feel that it is her fault? Wrong? Why would others know and not her?that is how she could feel.

____

I see why the therapists do not want disclosure outside of the stepson. I do not want to get into it here but: he is a juvenile, he has not been charged or convicted of a crime. Even the law believes in the preponderance of change for a juvenile. Given that the therapists are coming down on the side of privacy for him.

Sumsky. if you push to out him I fear you have no legal standing and you might push your husband into a corner. I know some have advocated you leave the house or marriage. I think that is your decision to make.

You have secured your daughter's safety. You are not responsible to do more. School is responsible to protect the other kids. Not you. If there is obligation it is your husbands not yours.

I know there is strong, legitimate feeling to the contrary about stepson.There is no need to shoot me down. I have read the other posts. I am just responding with the other side of the coin.

Copabanana, I do understand what you are saying. He is a juvenile and should have his privacy protected if he is able to overcome this and get his life back on track. He does not have a record and although I sometimes question whether not reporting this to the authorities was the right way to go, it is the path I chose. So, now my trust has to be in the therapists and my husband to make this work for him. And through that process to give them that opportunity. None of us know 100% for sure the outcome. Maybe I am overly optimistic, many not?? That remains to be seen. I do believe in giving people the benefit of doubt, but I am also not naive enough to put others at risk for that opportunity. I sometimes want to just stream to the world to keep your daughters away from him, but you are right.... I can’t do that!!

 

[BusynMember]

Whether you tell or not is your choice 100 per cent. But the fact is that the only reason he has no record is because you didnt report it. That doesnt mean he didnt do it, wont hurt others, or will or even can stop his impulses. There is no consensus on effectiveness of treatment with sex offenders.

Since he feels no guilt and is getting a free pass and nobody knows what he did though I feel he is less likely to take this seriously with counseling and more apt to do it again. Or worse.

If it were me and I saw him hanging around with some girl, there is no question that the least I would do is warn the mother about him. I would care more about what the girls possible experience with him may be than the SS privacy. My minor son, 13,, was on the sex offender list and a danger to others. You cant know what SS is capable of doing. Nobody can know yet.

But it IS your choice and you HAVE done a very good job of protecting your daughter. That is very important.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Sumsky, you already made very difficult choices.....there's no reason to go back now and second guess yourself....you did your very best.....none of us can know the outcome, the whole story hasn't been written yet. Your step son has consequences, he's lost his home.....perhaps it's not the perfect solution, but how could anyone know what that is? You did your very best, that's enough. Take care of yourself, trust your choices and let the rest go.

 

[Copabanana]

You chose not to report this to the authorities in part to protect your daughter. You did so in part to protect your marriage, your other children and your husband.

From what you have written, i do not think you ever sought to protect him.

I am not honoring stepsons privacy, but the law does. We do not live in a vigilante society. As far as the law is concerned, nothing ever happened if you did not report the crime. What the therapists are saying, is this, indirectly. If you were to tell anothrr child's parents what happened, i would worry about the consequences to you.

Many, if not most of us, make the same choice as did you. We seek to keep the status quo. We hope things will change, improve. We hope what we saw, know to be true, is not. We deny. We minimize. We excuse. We rationalize. We blame the victim. You have seen all of this and more in your family.

I don't know what is the best or right thing to do. I do not know if he will offend or not. I think you made a reasonable decision for understandable reasons.

You have no real power or responsibility here.now. only stepson does and to an extent, his father. I think you may be taking on more responsibility than is yours to bear.

PS. I just read re's post. She said what I mean.

 

[Copabanana]

Hi Sumsky.

Stepson will re-offend or not. Reporting the crime would not have stopped him, necessarily.. The authorities could have minimised it. You would have lost whatever leverage you do have.

You made a judgement call. You made a choice. You are free to make additional choices as the situation evolves.

There is no way we can know if stepsons behavior would be directed to any girl outside if the family. It could have been because she is who she is, his step sister, your daughter, that her position in HIS family was what motivated this. He could have been seeking to drive you (and her) out.

I do not necessarily think stepson will act out again like this, in terms of this kind of voyeuristic boundary violation. He is too smart and cunning and controlled.. this seems to be about power and strategic, to him. The desire to demonstrate that he calls the shots.

But he may be quite likely to keep up acting up against you guys by fomenting .

 

[Sumsky]

All in all, I DO feel I made the right choice for EVERYONE involved. Yes, I still question myself, but when I think it completely through I truly believe I did the right thing. There are still a lot of unknowns... SS has a lot of work to do and I don’t know if he will ever overcome this. BUT we are giving him the opportunity to do it. Whether he was charged or not, it is still up to him. I did consult with an attorney that has a long history of working with CYS. She felt very strongly that given the circumstances SS would have only seen probation and we would be in the same boat we are in now. The only difference being that my children and I would not be in our home. And I would not be able to provide the therapists with my prospective on the situation. And I would not be privy to the day to day happenings to help get the truth to them. No, I will not make calls to area parents about my SS. Right or wrong, I will not subject him to that. I am not defending him, but I will not bullying him either. It is our job as his parents to protect ALL around him as much as possible and limit the situations that could compromise someone’s safety. We are and will do that. He is not allow to have visits to friends homes, he does not have access to recording devices, etc. when it comes down to it, it is a matter of free will and there is only so much we can do. The rest is up to him.

 

[recoveringenabler]

I agree with everything you said Sumsky. You did what you believed was right and gave everyone a chance.....your job is over now.
Rest. Feel the peace that emerges when we make tough choices and stand for our truth and authenticity.

 

[BusynMember]

I am not saying he will although I think it is more seriious, perhaps because it happened to my kids.
Nothing would legally happen to people talking to one another. We do it all the time. In my years of having four kids I heard everything about minor children who were not formally arrested and its an okay conversation to have. At least i never heatd of anyone get into trouble for what they reported. But....am I right??? I read and am no lo ger sure.

Sumsky, loving woman, you have really thought this out and I totally respect you and your decision and I mean it. Your SS did not touch your daughter. My child had sex with babies. I do consider these two very different levels of abuse.

I would never ever ever make a ton of calls to neighbors about anyone ever, child or not. Because of my traumatic experience, I am sure if I knew SS was dating "Mary" that i would tell Marys mother what he did to let her decide if she feels okay with Mary dating him. I would feel it was my duty to inform this one mother. Thats all. But is that right? I am questioning myself now.

I have always been aborhent to bullying and also keep to myself and dont want to hear or tell gossip. This is probably the only crime that would have me maybe nervously calling Marys mom.

But I hear your kind points of you. I hear Copa. I hear RE. I trust Copa and RE very much. I respect both and you. I also think you made your decision carefully and should walk your path. It is a path of love and good intention. Perhaps informing anyone would not be the right thing to do, even if I thought I should. I am not always right. I do not want to belittle the brave strides you have taken for your family.

I trust the words of you three smart ladies and wish you all a great evening. You made solid points in my opinion.

 

[Copabanana]

I think reality lies somewhere in between your view, swot, and what I wrote. The thing is, we never know where it will fall this time. Sumsky lives in a town that seems in the pocket of great grandparents who do not seem rational in their view of these events.

Sumsky had a lot on the line, she still does. And there was no upside FOR her, or arguably for anybody else, to come down strong on stepson beyond what it took to protect daughter.

 

[Sumsky]

I am not saying he will although I think it is more seriious, perhaps because it happened to my kids.
Nothing would legally happen to people talking to one another. We do it all the time. In my years of having four kids I heard everything about minor children who were not formally arrested and its an okay conversation to have. At least i never heatd of anyone get into trouble for what they reported. But....am I right??? I read and am no lo ger sure.

Sumsky, loving woman, you have really thought this out and I totally respect you and your decision and I mean it. Your SS did not touch your daughter. My child had sex with babies. I do consider these two very different levels of abuse.

I would never ever ever make a ton of calls to neighbors about anyone ever, child or not. Because of my traumatic experience, I am sure if I knew SS was dating "Mary" that i would tell Marys mother what he did to let her decide if she feels okay with Mary dating him. I would feel it was my duty to inform this one mother. Thats all. But is that right? I am questioning myself now.

I have always been aborhent to bullying and also keep to myself and dont want to hear or tell gossip. This is probably the only crime that would have me maybe nervously calling Marys mom.

But I hear your kind points of you. I hear Copa. I hear RE. I trust Copa and RE very much. I respect both and you. I also think you made your decision carefully and should walk your path. It is a path of love and good intention. Perhaps informing anyone would not be the right thing to do, even if I thought I should. I am not always right. I do not want to belittle the brave strides you have taken for your family.

I trust the words of you three smart ladies and wish you all a great evening. You made solid points in my opinion.

SWOT, I completely understand what you are saying. I’ve been struggling with weighing the right and wrong way to handle all of this. I truly believe that each and every situation needs to be handled individually. Our situations are similar but different. And you are not wrong for feeling that others need protected. I agree with you. I just feel in our situation we need to control stepsons opportunities (at this point) and give the therapists time to do their job(along with us). Now if there is little to no progress, and he turns 18 and out of our control, I may feel very differently about staying quiet. Time will tell. You have been through the worst of the worst and I can not imagine the pain you have gone through. I know the worry and fear I had but also know the relief I’m feeling now. And even now part of me wants to warn everyone he comes into contact with, but I have to give this a chance. I guess I’m just saying that I understand your position and I don’t think you are wrong for feeling the way you do. I think I would feel the same had I walked in your shoes.

 

[Copabanana]

Sumsky. I have said it before. No doubt I will say so again: no mother could have done better.

I hope you stay with us for awhile to keep us posted. Think about posting, please, on other threads, if you want. You have a lot to share.

Take care. There are not too many stories here where there is the sense of completion. For you, I understand, it is not done. But there really has been no stone left unturned, in this story so far. And you and you alone are responsible for the outcome, with your husband, who seems to have stepped up at every critical point.

 

[Tired out]

Wow. Your step son scares the heck out of me! He sounds like real problem and on the edge of it being very serious. I wouldn't want him around my daughter or any of her friends PERIOD. I would be going through the girls room and bathroom making sure he doesn't have anything hidden to video on her, or watch her. Actually I wouldn't let him out of my sight when she is in the house. He wouldn't even be walking by the bathroom door while she is in it! He fooled the therapist. Is your daughter also your husbands daughter? or is she his step?
Sign me
Totally freaked out by this scenario.

 

[Sumsky]

Wow. Your step son scares the heck out of me! He sounds like real problem and on the edge of it being very serious. I wouldn't want him around my daughter or any of her friends PERIOD. I would be going through the girls room and bathroom making sure he doesn't have anything hidden to video on her, or watch her. Actually I wouldn't let him out of my sight when she is in the house. He wouldn't even be walking by the bathroom door while she is in it! He fooled the therapist. Is your daughter also your husbands daughter? or is she his step?
Sign me
Totally freaked out by this scenario.

Tired out, my daughter is my husbands step daughter. Stepson is not in our home. We have had the psychosexual evaluation and have been doing the therapy both family and individual for stepson and daughter. He did fool the first counselor. He has not fooled the evaluator or the therapists. He is not ‘severe’ enough to be accepted for residential treatment at this point. So, we have done what is needed to protect my daughter and give him the opportunity for rehabilitation.

 

[Tired out]

I agree with the others. You are doing everything you can do. I wish they would put him in-placement. I hate the "not severe enough" they wait until something irreversibly bad happens to say they are sever enough.

 

[Lila256]

Thank you for your response and advise..... I have been starting to feel like I am the crazy one and that maybe my 'Mama Bear' was just a little overly protective. I will definitely be sticking around. This site has already given me a sense of relief.

I'm late to the party, but I am so glad to see you here! I went through the same thing with my partner's child, though it was me he was watching dress. He had all of the other issues mentioned and then some. At first my partner made the same excuses, until it escalated to the point where his son tried to kill him by slipping homemade poison in to his coffee because he was mad about being on restriction for trying to take a box cutter to school (which he had already caught a criminal charge for). At that point, CPS took custody (at our insistence) and placed him with his biomom for six months, where he racked up four more criminal charges, including the rape of a three year old, before he was placed in a facility for kids with these issues long term. I completely freaked out, wondering if he had touched my nieces, which he thankfully never did. Unfortunately, sexual misconduct issues are not uncommon with these types of situations. You are not crazy, and protection of your other kids is paramount. <3

 

[Sumsky]

I'm late to the party, but I am so glad to see you here! I went through the same thing with my partner's child, though it was me he was watching dress. He had all of the other issues mentioned and then some. At first my partner made the same excuses, until it escalated to the point where his son tried to kill him by slipping homemade poison in to his coffee because he was mad about being on restriction for trying to take a box cutter to

I'm late to the party, but I am so glad to see you here! I went through the same thing with my partner's child, though it was me he was watching dress. He had all of the other issues mentioned and then some. At first my partner made the same excuses, until it escalated to the point where his son tried to kill him by slipping homemade poison in to his coffee because he was mad about being on restriction for trying to take a box cutter to school (which he had already caught a criminal charge for). At that point, CPS took custody (at our insistence) and placed him with his biomom for six months, where he racked up four more criminal charges, including the rape of a three year old, before he was placed in a facility for kids with these issues long term. I completely freaked out, wondering if he had touched my nieces, which he thankfully never did. Unfortunately, sexual misconduct issues are not uncommon with these types of situations. You are not crazy, and protection of your other kids is paramount. <3

Thank you for sharing!! I’m so sorry you went through that. If you wouldn’t mind sharing, how old was your partner’s son when this happened? What was his diagnosis? How is he doing now? Have you found any treatment that has worked? I’m sorry for all the questions. If you are not comfortable sharing all this, I completely understand.

 

[Go slow mama]

Hi and thank you for sharing your story.

I am going to say, and with some, ok, a lot of experience working with people that are sexually deviant, professionally...not every case turns into our worst nightmare. Some offenders progress and some do not. Sexual behaviour and acting out deviantly are very fluid concepts at this age. You are on it. You are not ignoring anything, you are attendant and honestly motivated.

No one can know the trigger point for more or greater action than you. You can only learn to listen to yourself and trust your instincts. Keep posting, keep sharing but also keep knowing that you are the one living this situation, so you live with the real consequences of what will or will not happen. Keep a journal of it, write down your efforts, interventions, episodes, it will help you keep focused.