Copabanana, I did just clarify that today. SS WILL NOT be included in the results and discussion. It will be just the therapists, case worker, evaluator, and my Husband and I. Ok did not want him present either.
New Member......Need Help
- Thread starter Sumsky
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Sumsky- I only came across your post yesterday. Just wanted to say I completely empathize and our situations are similar in many ways. My mother-in-law adopted a child when she was in her mid 50s and he was 2. He had severe neglect for the first few years of his life. My husband and I have small children. The adopted child is now 15. Long story short, the adopted child had many questionable behaviors. You couldn't even leave the room for a second. He would do things to my kids like squeeze their arms if he even got a second with them. He was caught harming animals numerous times. He began following me into other rooms and standing behind me trying to watch diaper changes or lingering near the bathroom while I was bathing them. He had no respect for authority and my mother in law would get angry if you corrected him. No sense of personal space and would get within inches of your face when talking. I put my foot down and said he was no longer allowed near my kids. This caused huge arguments between my husband and I ... who still accuses me of breaking up his family. My mother-in-law still refuses to talk to me after 2 years and went on a smear campaign with other family members. She has called me every derogatory name in the book.
She also claimed she took him to a counselor and "he is not a threat/harm to himself or anyone else." I work in the behavioral health field. I have never seen a counselor do this, nor would I ever say this myself. You can only go based on what the person tells you and that doesn't mean they aren't lying. They aren't psychics. For the past 2 years everything is a lie and this child is "perfect." I would really like to know what is actually going on. After this situation, I can see how abuse goes on in family for years when people know about it and refuse to acknowledge it. I'm glad you are stepping in and I know how hard it is. I considered a divorce as well since the arguing was so bad. It seems like most people get joint custody of the children and the thought of my husband having my kids around him without me there made me sick. He says he knows there's something wrong with the kid, but also seems to want his mothers approval. I don't think there's any way to stop that ... unless something bad actually happens. My husband too went back and forth numerous times and I was accused of "over reacting." Someone trying to constantly peek at diaper changes with an 11 year age difference ... there's something wrong there and I had to step in before it escalated. Stay strong and do what is right for your kids. You can't let them be scarred for life to please everyone else. You are doing the right thing. I too have questioned my sanity several times which is normal when everyone else in the family doesn't see the red flags - or refuses to.
She also claimed she took him to a counselor and "he is not a threat/harm to himself or anyone else." I work in the behavioral health field. I have never seen a counselor do this, nor would I ever say this myself. You can only go based on what the person tells you and that doesn't mean they aren't lying. They aren't psychics. For the past 2 years everything is a lie and this child is "perfect." I would really like to know what is actually going on. After this situation, I can see how abuse goes on in family for years when people know about it and refuse to acknowledge it. I'm glad you are stepping in and I know how hard it is. I considered a divorce as well since the arguing was so bad. It seems like most people get joint custody of the children and the thought of my husband having my kids around him without me there made me sick. He says he knows there's something wrong with the kid, but also seems to want his mothers approval. I don't think there's any way to stop that ... unless something bad actually happens. My husband too went back and forth numerous times and I was accused of "over reacting." Someone trying to constantly peek at diaper changes with an 11 year age difference ... there's something wrong there and I had to step in before it escalated. Stay strong and do what is right for your kids. You can't let them be scarred for life to please everyone else. You are doing the right thing. I too have questioned my sanity several times which is normal when everyone else in the family doesn't see the red flags - or refuses to.
Asdf, thank you for sharing your situation. Yes, it is very hard. I also feel that I am on my own fighting an army. I am so ready for the results next week!! It seems as if it has taken forever! I am so tired of ‘being the bad guy’ when I am the only one being a parent. Everyone else is being a buddy and protecting the perpetrator! I truly believe without the right intervention he will go on to become a full blown predator.... I’m sure you can understand that from your situation also.
Yes, I feel the same way. Unfortunately, there isn't much I can do with the adopted child. Haven't seen him in 2 years and mother in law denies issues although there has to be. Not sure how those behaviors disappear overnight. I also believe this child will perp someday and who knows what he has done to animals since he has a history of hurting them. I also felt like I was the only one being a parent. It's a frustrating and lonely position. Instead of it being a step child, anyone who questions anything about mils child is doing it because "He's adopted." Other family members said he was "just curious" ... a junior high boy constantly trying to see my toddler kids naked. Seems common sense to me, but apparently not. Can't wait for the future .
. When he's in the news for whatever crime and they will all say "we had no idea" "there were no red flags" ugh!!!! I guess some people think we should ignore red flags and wait for something devastating to happen. I don't know ... trying to figure out what others are thinking will also make you feel insane!
. When he's in the news for whatever crime and they will all say "we had no idea" "there were no red flags" ugh!!!! I guess some people think we should ignore red flags and wait for something devastating to happen. I don't know ... trying to figure out what others are thinking will also make you feel insane!
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BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Those awful behaviors are common for adopted kids who got no love sometime in their first three years of life. Im an adoptive mother. This child obviously has a very serious mental health disorder called reactive attachment disorder. These are like psychparhs only kids. by the way, who for the love of all that is holy allowed a fifty year old to adopt a two year old????? Not that he would be any different with a different parent. He has probably been sexually molested while very young. The question of whether or not we know yet how to treat sexually deviant behavior even in children is controversial.
The 22 year old is up there in age and seems a predator bonafide. Dont ever trust him. Be safe. I dont think there is a high success rate of curing adult sexual predators and I would be diligent even with just a suspect. I wouldnt care what the psycho social evaluation said. Not around my daughter.
I believe there are a lof of reoffenders amongst sexual offenders. I dont think SS is okay and dont expect him to be found okay. To his stepmom you have done all you can.
The 22 year old is up there in age and seems a predator bonafide. Dont ever trust him. Be safe. I dont think there is a high success rate of curing adult sexual predators and I would be diligent even with just a suspect. I wouldnt care what the psycho social evaluation said. Not around my daughter.
I believe there are a lof of reoffenders amongst sexual offenders. I dont think SS is okay and dont expect him to be found okay. To his stepmom you have done all you can.
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the therapists have mentioned putting alarms on bedroom and bathroom doors and cameras in common areas of the house as an option for more surveillance. My husband and I both agree that if that is what they feel needs done then SS needs to go to residential because we are not living like that!!! But they also said we need to wait until the full results are discussed. The evaluator said absolutely NO unsupervised contact between SS and daughter. (They have had NO contact) but we both work full time and cannot supervise 24/7 and SS spending a lot of time with the great grandparents is NOT going to help ANYTHING! So it seems to me that residential is the only option to protect my daughter and help SS.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
As long as he isnt home your kids are safe.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
I agree with you and your husband.
Allowing your home to be equipped with high tech security/surveillance equipment like a max security prison or warzone i fear would serve only these results:
Turn your home into a prison.
Frighten your other kids.
It would turn them into the guilty parties by subjecting them to monitoring and vigilance.
This would be a huge win for stepson. He would game it.
Take away any tranquility in your home.
Create paranoia.
Descend to the pathological state of step son, And normalizing it
Victimize your kids.
Put your marriage at great risk.
I am glad you and your husband are in agreement about this. The idea is beyond crazy. It is cruel and sadistic. And it is crazy.
As well as useless. The hope for your stepson is that he learn to identify and control his impulses and behaviors. This has nothing to do with alarms throughout the house. Behavioral modification is one thing. (Although there are better treatments.)Should he be in a treatment environment. What they propose is nuts.
If your stepson had victimized another child, outside the home and family, I wonder if the professionals would be so sanguine.
But to put a perpetrator back with his victim, to live in intimate contact?
Looked at one way, what your mother in law said, though mean, was true: your kids need to be away from him.
Allowing your home to be equipped with high tech security/surveillance equipment like a max security prison or warzone i fear would serve only these results:
Turn your home into a prison.
Frighten your other kids.
It would turn them into the guilty parties by subjecting them to monitoring and vigilance.
This would be a huge win for stepson. He would game it.
Take away any tranquility in your home.
Create paranoia.
Descend to the pathological state of step son, And normalizing it
Victimize your kids.
Put your marriage at great risk.
I am glad you and your husband are in agreement about this. The idea is beyond crazy. It is cruel and sadistic. And it is crazy.
As well as useless. The hope for your stepson is that he learn to identify and control his impulses and behaviors. This has nothing to do with alarms throughout the house. Behavioral modification is one thing. (Although there are better treatments.)Should he be in a treatment environment. What they propose is nuts.
If your stepson had victimized another child, outside the home and family, I wonder if the professionals would be so sanguine.
But to put a perpetrator back with his victim, to live in intimate contact?
Looked at one way, what your mother in law said, though mean, was true: your kids need to be away from him.
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BusynMember
Well-Known Member
I give you credit. I would have ditched this situation long ago. And if I suspected an adult may have touched my daughter....i would not have been able to even be in a room with him again. I would haven taken my kids and run.
You are VERY strong.
You are VERY strong.
I agree that placing cameras, alarms etc. Is no way to live. Taking the kids and leaving is always an option, however, if the other parent is not completely on board with keeping this child away from the others the fear would be a joint custody ruling (which is common). Then, the father could potentially expose the other children to him again against the mothers wishes. There are no charges in this case so I don't know how that would work in the court system. I don't think there would be a way to completely ensure they didn't have contact. The entire situation is terrible and it makes it that much harder to protect your kids if the other parent is indecisive. I know in my case as i described above, one good action or day by the child in question seemed to completely erase all of his past and all was forgiven and the red flags disapeared.
If your husband and family support residential, go with it. It at least buys time. Nothing is easy about this situation.
If your husband and family support residential, go with it. It at least buys time. Nothing is easy about this situation.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
These are stepchildren. I dont think the stepfather would have any right to see them. Ss is fathers child. Nor would tjey ever have to see the husband unless they tirned 18 and decided to do so. By then, they would be adults.
Asdf, I am very sorry for your situation. I am puzzled too rhat a fifty year old was allowed to adopt a two year old.
Asdf, I am very sorry for your situation. I am puzzled too rhat a fifty year old was allowed to adopt a two year old.
Ok. I thought her 2 bio kids were same father as step son. In that case, I too would have been inclined to leave! There's always factors we don't know though. I would just always be aware that you are sending your daughter the message that she's first (And her safety), not him. If not, she may have a lot of resentment in the future.
Somewhereoutthere- my mother in law did foster care for a short time before adopting. I'm not sure how any of that works, but she was able to.
Somewhereoutthere- my mother in law did foster care for a short time before adopting. I'm not sure how any of that works, but she was able to.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
in my opinion thats too old to commit to a two year old but I know the system is a mess. They need a better way to care for our homeless childrrn. I heard foster care stories from foster kids because we did if too for a while. It was scary for the kids. Lots of bad foster parents.
I have already met with an attorney and am prepared to start divorce proceedings if need be. At this point my daughter and stepson have had no contact. Stepson is only home if my daughter is not there. It has taken 6 months now to finally have the evaluation and we will have the results Tuesday. My husband has had a hard time accepting the situation with his son. (His grandparents influence hasn’t helped). The perp is his son and I have 2 children (son 17 and daughter now 13) from a previous marriage. So husband would not have any contact with my children. I am also prepared to have a restraining order placed on my stepson if need be. Trust me when I say that every step I have taken was putting my daughters safety and well being first!! And I will not allow my children to live as if they have any wrong doing in this (no cameras and alarms). That being said, neither of my children want to leave their home and disrupt their life. They both feel that they did nothing wrong and should not have to suffer for it (by moving to a new home) I am trying to make that happen. There is a lot that is riding on the Tuesday appointment. If stepson is NOT sent to residential treatment or removed from the home in some form, then we will leave. And I will have to work with my kids to explain that. They have already made the comment that once again, stepson ruins it for everyone. That is part of why I am still there. Because my daughters safety is not compromised at this point and I am trying to give them the stability of staying in their
home. Stepson wants nothing more than for us to leave and him and his dad to live happily ever after. So for us to leave means he wins.... that may sound petty and not really the point and again I would never ‘play that game’ to the point of compromising my children’s safety. But I will do battle to make what is right happen!!! It is not right for my children to have to upset their life because he is a predator!!! I am still hopeful that my husband will accept their seriousness of stepsons actions and realize that he needs more help than we can give him. And that my daughters safety HAS to come first. He has come a long way in the past 6 months and says he will accept the outcome regardless.... that remains to be seen!
home. Stepson wants nothing more than for us to leave and him and his dad to live happily ever after. So for us to leave means he wins.... that may sound petty and not really the point and again I would never ‘play that game’ to the point of compromising my children’s safety. But I will do battle to make what is right happen!!! It is not right for my children to have to upset their life because he is a predator!!! I am still hopeful that my husband will accept their seriousness of stepsons actions and realize that he needs more help than we can give him. And that my daughters safety HAS to come first. He has come a long way in the past 6 months and says he will accept the outcome regardless.... that remains to be seen!
Also, there has NEVER been a question of an adult touching my child. My husband has a good relationship with my children. He has been a better father to them than their own father. Stepson is 15 and I have a very hard time being around him. On the occasion he is home (when daughter is not), I avoid him. I do not cook family meals, do his laundry, or interact with him at all! It has taken all I have to even attend the therapy sessions and meetings with him.
Sumsky, I just want to say that the level of courage, strength, resilience and enormous love for your children shines brightly in every post. You've chosen the most difficult path through this, which is to stand in the fire and make every attempt to communicate and offer understanding to others who do not have the level of wisdom, compassion and understanding that you do.....it is an extremely challenging position to be the only one who sees the truth......and in addition, to be willing to hold that truth alone under attack. That is strength of character. That is courage.
It would be much easier to shut down and take off to avoid all of the confrontations, disagreements, differing of opinions, nastiness.....the harder choice is to try to work it out.....
I am inspired by your unrelenting commitment to your daughter, you are a brave woman. How you handled this situation has been remarkable in my estimation, regardless of the outcome. You've modeled for your daughter and your son a warrior who will take a stand for what she believes in. They may not see that now, but they will. You've included your children in the dialogue which empowers them. You valued your internal wisdom above everyone else's nonsense, which speaks volumes about your self value and sense of self.
Life isn't black and white, you've shown how well one can work through the gray area when one's intention is based in love.
Whatever happens Sumsky, you won.
BRAVO!
It would be much easier to shut down and take off to avoid all of the confrontations, disagreements, differing of opinions, nastiness.....the harder choice is to try to work it out.....
I am inspired by your unrelenting commitment to your daughter, you are a brave woman. How you handled this situation has been remarkable in my estimation, regardless of the outcome. You've modeled for your daughter and your son a warrior who will take a stand for what she believes in. They may not see that now, but they will. You've included your children in the dialogue which empowers them. You valued your internal wisdom above everyone else's nonsense, which speaks volumes about your self value and sense of self.
Life isn't black and white, you've shown how well one can work through the gray area when one's intention is based in love.
Whatever happens Sumsky, you won.
BRAVO!
Thank you recoveringenabler!! It sure doesn’t feel like that to me. I worry everyday about what is the right choice for each and everyone one of us. I do truly believe that residential treatment is the best option for ALL of us, not just me and my kids. It is very frustrating to have some in my husbands family ‘cover’ for my stepson. It is frustrating that they cannot see that this is hurting him more in the long run. And in The process ruining stepsons chances of a semi normal life. And adding one more predator to the streets!! I try to be understanding that sometimes love is blind but when it is hurting others around them then it is time to take the blinders off! The ones that cover for him are also the same ones that have always buried their head in the sand and pretended that the problem didn’t exist. I pray that Tuesday is the answer. And truly believe that one way or another it is. Our prayers are always answered even though they may not always be what we want them to be. Either way, Tuesday is our decision day and a new start. Just not sure at this point what that new start will be....
I will hold you in my thoughts Sumsky......praying that on Tuesday, the truth prevails and that everyone gets on board.
I can't imagine the stress this has caused you.....remember to take very, very good care of yourself through this entire ordeal.
Remember to laugh and find your joy...
And, please, let us know what happens.
I can't imagine the stress this has caused you.....remember to take very, very good care of yourself through this entire ordeal.
Remember to laugh and find your joy...
And, please, let us know what happens.
I've found that when we take a difficult stand, often we walk thru darkness, giving us the opportunity to remain strong in our convictions, sometimes all alone, as you have done, which strengthens our resolve... and to learn important life lessons of living in uncertainty and how we respond to that uncertainty...standing strong in our values is not easy... but what we take away from the experience, whether we prevail or not, is profoundly valuable to our sense of self, to our sense of right and wrong....It isn't easy to have courage when it all seems stacked against you and you're left standing alone..... but that is exactly the point at which courage erupts within us......you've set it up to protect your daughter no matter what anyone says or does, you've drawn your line in the sand.....now it's the very difficult waiting to see if others will stand with you. Whether it works out for everyone or not, you've made a valiant and admirable effort to do the right thing.
