New Member......Need Help

[Copabanana]

I could say this: I can't believe it, that he would come up with such diagnoses. But I know better.

I will say this: you have a good, well thought plan. You have no real control here except over the choices you make, and holding onto what you know to be true. That is quite a lot.

I would try to stay out of it, the diagnosis and treatment decisions. This will all unfold. And you will act accordingly. Your focus is the welfare of your children, and your welfare. All of your bases are covered.

There are incontrovertible facts here: a school suspension, the porn and the videos. Acts count. A series of acts counts more. This is beyond diagnosis.

 

[BusynMember]

I think this psychologist needs to find a new profession. Maybe the in laws can hire him to drive them around.

 

[AppleCori]

Well, this isn’t really a surprise.

SS has severe depressive disorder caused by family dysfunction and being expelled from school.

Translation:It’s everyone else’s fault. If people would stop being mad and making a big deal out of this, everything would be fine.

Ignore this guy and go on about the business of getting real help.

 

[Sumsky]

So have another question... apparently SS has been talking to multiple people about just a lil bit of what is going on. He is NOT telling anyone anything truthful, but saying things are really bad at home. Saying things like I’m not cooking supper and he’s hungry. Saying that his dad and I are divorcing cause I want to send him away cause I hate him, etc. why is he doing this?!!

 

[Copabanana]

This is what they do. My son did it. I was devastated. For years. What a waste of tears.

Look. It does not matter what he says. Or thinks. His pea brain has created this situation for himself and he is just going along on the same path.

If he is hungry let him cook for himself. Many kids his age cook for the family. Let him cook for you. If he is saying there is no food in the house, this reflects upon your husband as well. Is he prepared to go to cps and make that allegation? Drive him.

Nothing you or anyone says or does can stop him from finding others to hold responsible or blame for his situation if he is bent on doing so. Ignore him.

My question is this: what is he hearing and from who, about the possibility of divorce and your stance about his need to be out of the house/in treatment? Is he listening, reading your media? Are family members talking to him?

How does he know you are considering divorce?

PS. He is doing this because he is a jerk.

 

[BusynMember]

To take the heet off himself and blame you. I think it's normal for a disturbed, predatory person like him. I would pay no attention at all. People who know you for real and love you will know he is full of b.s .and people who don't know you don't matter. Anyway what if you don't cook? There is food in the house. He can cook. I was a good mother but not a motivated homemaker and many times my kids made their own meals as teens. They usually we're busy and on the run and not interested in a big meal, at least weekdays. CPS won't care if he says you don't cook as long as they check and there is food. I know it's not true but even if it was, it's not going to get anyone in trouble.

i like this: "What others think of me is none of my business."

My .02 is to stop paying any attention to this. It's an unnecessary distraction. Plan what you must do, leave the town you are in if you can and start the long hard but doable task of putting him behind you. You are clearly strong and balanced and he is not. He will eventually be found out, but that will be long after he is behind you. Your daughter needs to be away from this kid. You all do.

This is hard. It was hard for us after we had to send the boy who molested our littles away from home forever. There was guilt but immense healing and we are stronger and closer than ever now and my younger kids, now adults, know we protected them. Trust me, they appreciate it very much. Yours will too. I am positive that this kids abuse is partly why my daughter went into law enforcement. On the other hand, by looking at her abusers FB I know he is unemployed and his court records indicate he had been in prison.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I like this too and it has been true in my life and can be true in yours. Don't let this uber disturbed cocky kid get into your head. He is lying...it is what he probably always does. His family enables his lies and this won't change.

Kids always find out what's going on. So what? He did wrong. Also...and I don't mean to scare you, just inform you...what he recorded he could put all over the internet some day. He probably put copies of the videos other places besides his phone. Even if taping is all he did, he could easily destroy the lives of everyone he recorded. And I doubt it is all he did since he flashed his genitals at school. Extremely inappropriate at his age. Please...just get your daughter away from him and don't worry about his words. Words are cheap. Actions will win out. Save your kids. Save yourself. Let his dad deal with CPS if he thinks up bigger and more serious allegations that CPS MAY care about such as false abuse issues against YOU. He doesn't seem to get that if CPS gets involved at all, his secrets will be found out and he will be removed anyway...or worse your daughter will be if he lives there. This is a time bomb. Please get away from the situation. This can get dangerous with this kid popping off his mouth. His family may know it's in SS interest that they not call CPS, but a friend's mother could call them...and then it is over. CPS will care.

Love and light and hugs!!

 

[Sumsky]

There is absolutely food in our house. I have not been cooking because I am with my daughter half the time and when I am at the house the last thing I want to do is cook a meal and sit down at the table and eat with him!! SS is the one pushing for a divorce. He keeps telling husband that life would be so much better for them without me. Husband has really come around to the idea of residential treatment. Partially because of this type of thing. He just told me last night that SS need watched 24/7 and that is not possible for him. He also is hearing some of the things SS is saying to people that know us and know it’s not true. SS sees these things as only looking bad for me because I have always been the only one that cooks. He doesn’t understand that his dad can cook too and that it is his dads responsibility to provide him with food as much as mine. Plus, he’s 15 and capable of getting himself something to eat. Honestly, I’ve been doing nothing for SS and he is starting to see that it doesn’t get done. But instead of realizing what I do for him, he is lashing out and thinks he can get me ‘in trouble’ for not taking care of him. So if he says something that gets CYS called well then I guess he made that decision and it’ll all blow up on him!! He feels so entitled that he can’t even see that he is responsible for himself!! Next appointment to get the road to residential started is Friday. They are coming to our house to coordinate his care. But they did tell us that for admission reasons, we may have to try some other options first.

 

[Sumsky]

This is what they do. My son did it. I was devastated. For years. What a waste of tears.

Look. It does not matter what he says. Or thinks. His pea brain has created this situation for himself and he is just going along on the same path.

If he is hungry let him cook for himself. Many kids his age cook for the family. Let him cook for you. If he is saying there is no food in the house, this reflects upon your husband as well. Is he prepared to go to cps and make that allegation? Drive him.

Nothing you or anyone says or does can stop him from finding others to hold responsible or blame for his situation if he is bent on doing so. Ignore him.

My question is this: what is he hearing and from who, about the possibility of divorce and your stance about his need to be out of the house/in treatment? Is he listening, reading your media? Are family members talking to him?

How does he know you are considering divorce?

PS. He is doing this because he is a jerk.

Copabanana we have caught him eavesdropping several times now. My husband and I were talking in our living room which is around the corner from our stairs. I got up to get something and saw him sitting on the stairs listening. I also think SS thinks if I am not there that this will go away for him. He doesn’t realize that us trying to work this out is the best option possible for him. Getting him treatment is the best option for him. He is very manipulative and keeps talking to husband about it being just them. My husband and I have agreed to try to work through this with the understanding that we also have to do what’s best for thekids. Husband is slowly seeing more of the issues with SS. I know this may seem as if I’m not considering my daughter and that is just not the case. It is just a slow process to get everything in place for treatment. But Through the process, husband is seeing things a lil clearer also. I think he realizes what needs to happen, it’s just very hard for him to make that decision. SS does not realize what he is doing and what kind of situation he may be putting himself in with the things he is doing and saying. He thinks it is going to hurt me or that he can make it seem that the problems are me being neglectful. He doesn’t realize that I don’t have to cook a meal for him. All I or my husband have to do is have food available for him. He has played the victim all his life. And it has been directed at me for the past 10 years. He has also ask his great grandmother to help him and his dad stay in our home if we get divorced. Because husband has explained to him that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. Husband explained that house would be sold and we would ALL be moving out not just me and my kids. SS doesn’t like that and since great grandma has always made everything ok for him no matter what, he thinks she can make this ok too. He definitely has a very twisted way of seeing things. So I really think he’s hearing what he wants to hear and twisting the rest to meet his needs.

 

[Copabanana]

Actually, if we look at this cold-blooded and strategically, he is moving this along in a good way by his bad behavior, so as to reveal his true colors so that they be addressed in treatment outside the home, for daughter to be safe in her home, and the family to heal.

By openly scapegoating, threatenning you (cps) and blaming you.

By lying to others about you presenting himself as the victim.

By trying to get you (and the other kids) out to live happily ever after with dad.

By recruiting great grandmother to intervene and aggressively impose her power and rule in his behalf.

By openly manipulating and acting as an independent power base in the family.

All of this seems to be forcing his dad's hand and making it impossible for dad to not see him as he is: Entitled. Strategic. All powerful. Manupulative. Out of control. Self preoccupied. Lack of concern for others. Cunning. Vindictive. Scheming. Grandiose. With the sense he is untouchable.

All of these mindsets/behaviors require intensive treatment, for his welfare. These are compensatory behaviors. Because this is a false self to conceal a real sense of emptiness, helplessness. He CAN be helped by intensive treatment, outside the home. Let alone this is corrosive, traumatic and dangerous to others.

Seriously depressed people (children) do not act this way.

 

[BusynMember]

I sincerely hope SS and Daughter are not living together. Daughter should not have to be around SS while father takes time deciding what to do. in my opinion she needs to be free of him. For her mental health and future.

I think you will be sorry if you force her to live with him and this family that supports his abuse...like grands. SS is not going to suddenly stop being dangerous. It doesn't work like that.

Well, you know how I feel. Daughter first and free of SS for a good recovery. I won't repeat it again. Good luck.

 

[BusynMember]

Ok. Thanks. It seems unfair to me, but it is better than her and him together.

I am pretty much talked out on this. I lived through the same stuff....I am very concerned about this girl, the other people not so much.

Love and light! Bye!

 

[Sumsky]

Actually, if we look at this cold-blooded and strategically, he is moving this along in a good way by his bad behavior, so as to reveal his true colors so that they be addressed in treatment outside the home, for daughter to be safe in her home, and the family to heal.

By openly scapegoating, threatenning you (cps) and blaming you.

By lying to others about you presenting himself as the victim.

By trying to get you (and the other kids) out to live happily ever after with dad.

By recruiting great grandmother to intervene and aggressively impose her power and rule in his behalf.

By openly manipulating and acting as an independent power base in the family.

All of this seems to be forcing his dad's hand and making it impossible for dad not to not see him as he is acting: Entitled. Strategic. All powerful. Manupulative. Out of control. Self preoccupied. Lack of concern for others. Cunning. Vindictive. Scheming. Grandiose. With the sense he is untouchable.

All of these mindsets/behaviors require intensive treatment, for his welfare. These are compensatory behaviors. Because this is a false self to conceal a real sense of emptiness, helplessness. He CAN be helped by intensive treatment, outside the home. Let alone this is corrosive, traumatic and dangerous to others.

Seriously depressed people (children) do not act this way.

That’s how I’m seeing it. And husband is concerned about the things SS is saying. I really think SS is seeing that he may not be able to just get out of this one. And in desperation is ‘scambling’(he’s not as secretive about his manipulations) and husband is seeing it. Either way, he is hurting himself. I’ve been keeping a journal to take to appts with this info.

 

[Sumsky]

Ok. Thanks. It seems unfair to me, but it is better than her and him together.

I am pretty much talked out on this. I lived through the same stuff....I am very concerned about this girl, the other people not so much.

Love and light! Bye!

SWOT I realize this is not fair to my daughter. She did nothing wrong. He should be out of the house.... I can force SS out of the house tomorrow and allow the police and CYS to handle this and divorce and sell our home. Or I can try to work through this with my husband and we stay in our home while SS leaves for residential treatment, but that isn’t immediate. I am trying to balance all of us while keeping my daughter safe. Involving CYS may force my daughter into some things that she may or may not be ready to deal with. It would also involve her bio dad and we may go thru custody issue there which would also be devastating for her. There are a lot of factors in this situation. If push comes to shove, I will involve CYS and police. I’ve already met with an attorney regarding this and we are on the same page. I feel very strongly that the best course for ALL of us at this point is to try to work through this. Everyone’s situation does have different factors. And while I do agree that this whole situation is very unfair to my daughter. I am also trying to look out for what’s best for her going forward also. And forcing her into physical exams and talking about something she is not ready to is not necessarily in her best interest right now either.

 

[BusynMember]

I respect your point of view. I just want to say that no psychologist would force her to talk about it. They wait until the kid initiates it and the psychologist we had just made herself trustworthy until my kids were ready to talk. It took a year or more. No pressure. It was not pushed. If your daughter never talks about it or starts to feel she can't talk about it, it will be worse in the long term. Your daughter is actually old enough for a gentle exam and will need one in her teens anyway. They did not do a complete exam on my baby. I was with her. It was not like a pap smear.

I know you want to preserve your marriage and I guess you believe things can be okay with SS still in your daughters family. I have no experience being sexually abused. I can only imagine I would not want SS in my life at all and would avoid him forever once I grew up if this had happened to me. She may resent the whole family for trying to force him in her life.

Long term SS may marry and have kids. How will daughter feel? Will she want to tell his wife about what he did? Will she just tell the wife without even talking about it to any of you? What if she does because she fears for his kids? Great potential for huge later problems. Even if SS gets help it won't ever go away, especially if daughter does not get help yet is considered related to him.

Your husband's hesitation about SS to me is troubling. He knows what he did but he Thereis heditant?? Really? And there is no guarantee that sexual issues like SS has can be fixed. I see staying with this man as a huge clusterfrick waiting to blow up. Not fixable in a way that makes the family whole. There is no man on Earth to me that is worth the probable welfare of my kids, but don't be insulted...obviously you feel it can resolve and I don't. You are not trying to ruin your daughter. You think differently from me...that somehow it can work out.

I hope you are right and I am wrong since you are doing things way differently than I would and did. I really have nothing to say other than Good bless you all. I wish you the very best.

 

[Sumsky]

I completely understand why you may feel this way, considering all you have been through. I understand that my daughter may NEVER want to be around SS again. At this point I feel it is best for ALL involved to proceed with caution and take necessary steps. The possibility is there that SS has never physically touched my daughter. That does not mean he didn’t cross a line and that it may have led to that. It also doesn’t mean I can trust him. It also means that there may be hope for rehabilitation. I don’t know. I am NOT putting my daughter into an unsafe situation. And I AM NOT choosing a man over my kids. I’m really sorry that you feel that way. But I will sacrifice whatever is needed for my kids. I do have hope that with residential treatment and the rest of us having family counseling that we just may be able to get through this. Again, it’ll take time and if we see that it will not work then we go another route. And it very well may end in divorce and this may be a waste of time. But we won’t know until we go through it. And honestly, daughter wants to try that too....

 

[Triedntrue]

You have to do what you feel is right for your family. It appears to me that you have done a good job of covering all of the bases. I hope you are able to resolve this so that everyone is safe and at peace with whatever decisions are made.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Sumsky, I've been reading along.....for what it's worth, I believe you're doing a stellar job in keeping your daughter safe..... allowing your husband to come to terms with the difficult choices he must face about his son.... and doing whatever you can to also get SS the help he needs..... all the while coming to grips with the situation without judging, as well as trying to seek solutions for SS, as well as letting everyone know what you're finding out .....and that the bottom line is that if push comes to shove, you will protect your daughter no matter what. Now, in my mind, that is a WARRIOR MOM.

You're in a difficult situation as the only one who initially saw the truth, however, with your communications to all the players and your willingness to wait so that the best possible solution could emerge, it sounds as if things are slowly evolving in a positive way so that everyone will receive the support they require.

Life is not black and white, often we live in the great grey area.....which can be the most challenging place to be.....you sound to me like a person who has the strength and commitment to be able to hold all of the paradoxes, all of the emotions of everyone concerned, all of the skewered thinking and still be able to see the big picture and make healthy choices.

I admire how you've handled this very difficult and sensitive situation. You've shown enormous strength, courage, resourcefulness and grace under pressure. You did not react, you responded. And, you responded with love. When it all shakes out, you may have been the one who helped SS the most by refusing to allow his behaviors. And you protected your daughter......(I am a survivor of sexual abuse and having YOU, the Mom, do all that you've done for your daughter, your willingness to blow it all up for her, will mean more to her than you may ever know, believe me.)

You've stood in the middle of the fire and almost single handedly, put out the flames. You may not feel this way right now but however it turns out......you're a hero.

 

[Sumsky]

Sumsky, I've been reading along.....for what it's worth, I believe you're doing a stellar job in keeping your daughter safe..... allowing your husband to come to terms with the difficult choices he must face about his son.... and doing whatever you can to also get SS the help he needs..... all the while coming to grips with the situation without judging, as well as trying to seek solutions for SS, as well as letting everyone know what you're finding out .....and that the bottom line is that if push comes to shove, you will protect your daughter no matter what. Now, in my mind, that is a WARRIOR MOM.

You're in a difficult situation as the only one who initially saw the truth, however, with your communications to all the players and your willingness to wait so that the best possible solution could emerge, it sounds as if things are slowly evolving in a positive way so that everyone will receive the support they require.

Life is not black and white, often we live in the great grey area.....which can be the most challenging place to be.....you sound to me like a person who has the strength and commitment to be able to hold all of the paradoxes, all of the emotions of everyone concerned, all of the skewered thinking and still be able to see the big picture and make healthy choices.

I admire how you've handled this very difficult and sensitive situation. You've shown enormous strength, courage, resourcefulness and grace under pressure. You did not react, you responded. And, you responded with love. When it all shakes out, you may have been the one who helped SS the most by refusing to allow his behaviors. And you protected your daughter......(I am a survivor of sexual abuse and having YOU, the Mom, do all that you've done for your daughter, your willingness to blow it all up for her, will mean more to her than you may ever know, believe me.)

You've stood in the middle of the fire and almost single handedly, put out the flames. You may not feel this way right now but however it turns out......you're a hero.

Thank you recoveringenabler!! I really appreciate the support!! I needed to hear that I was doing ok cause right now it doesn’t feel like it. I have so many worries for the future (if I do this how will it impact daughter, if I do that how will it impact son, if I don’t do this how will it impact daughter, etc) My head is spinning 24/7. I am very much a planner and this has thrown me in a tailspin. My daughter is safe. And she knows what we are working towards and she is ok with that.

 

[Sumsky]

You have to do what you feel is right for your family. It appears to me that you have done a good job of covering all of the bases. I hope you are able to resolve this so that everyone is safe and at peace with whatever decisions are made.

Thank you Tired Mama!! I really appreciate the support.

 

[recoveringenabler]

My daughter is safe. And she knows what we are working towards and she is ok with that.

That's the bottom line isn't it Sumsky? Your daughter is safe. And YOU made that happen.

I've been in these kind of explosive situations where I am the one in the middle of it all trying to figure out how to do the right thing while the landscape explodes around me. I have a lot of empathy for you, I understand how impossible this all is and yet, someone had to step up to the plate and.......you did that.

The future is uncertain and that alone has it's challenges. I understand the worry you have.

Here's my take on it.....you've already done the hard part which is opening everyone's eyes to the truth. You've figured out the healthiest way through and communicated that. You're now in the waiting part to see how others will respond and if they can work towards the plan to get SS the help he needs while keeping your daughter safe. That part is out of your control, others will make their decisions, you've already shown up and told the truth and protected your daughter.

Now take care of you.Take a deep breath and let go. You are going through a horrific ordeal and you've had to hold it together for your daughter.....I hope you have a place, or a friend, or someone you can go to to simply be, to fall apart, to cry, to let go. You aren't through the woods yet and you'll need your strength and reserves.....so please, make sure you are well supported too....it's so easy to not get our needs met when so much is in limbo and our loved ones are in jeopardy......remember, warriors need rest to continue their quest.