Thank you so much!! This is truly what I needed tonight!!That's the bottom line isn't it Sumsky? Your daughter is safe. And YOU made that happen.
I've been in these kind of explosive situations where I am the one in the middle of it all trying to figure out how to do the right thing while the landscape explodes around me. I have a lot of empathy for you, I understand how impossible this all is and yet, someone had to step up to the plate and.......you did that.
The future is uncertain and that alone has it's challenges. I understand the worry you have.
Here's my take on it.....you've already done the hard part which is opening everyone's eyes to the truth. You've figured out the healthiest way through and communicated that. You're now in the waiting part to see how others will respond and if they can work towards the plan to get SS the help he needs while keeping your daughter safe. That part is out of your control, others will make their decisions, you've already shown up and told the truth and protected your daughter.
Now take care of you.Take a deep breath and let go. You are going through a horrific ordeal and you've had to hold it together for your daughter.....I hope you have a place, or a friend, or someone you can go to to simply be, to fall apart, to cry, to let go. You aren't through the woods yet and you'll need your strength and reserves.....so please, make sure you are well supported too....it's so easy to not get our needs met when so much is in limbo and our loved ones are in jeopardy......remember, warriors need rest to continue their quest.
New Member......Need Help
- Thread starter Sumsky
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Thank you so much!! This is truly what I needed tonight!!
Sumsky, you are so welcome. I want to share something with you which I hope will provide a fresh perspective......when my granddaughter was 11 years old, I went to court for guardianship because my daughter went off the rails and could not be a healthy, good parent after her husband killed himself. In addition, her in-laws were extremely toxic folks who chose to look for someone to blame for their son's decision and made my daughter's life a misery. My granddaughter was suffering in the midst of the adults losing their minds with grief, rage, bullying and loads of inappropriate, unfortunate behaviors. Like you, I was standing alone in the middle of a huge mess I had not created, yet it was impacting an innocent child whom I love. It was tough to call CPS on my only child. It was tough to go to court against my only child. It was tough to be so alone in such an emotional, dramatic situation where folks were cemented in their beliefs and would not change. My marriage ended. I lost a lot.
My granddaughter is 22 now and doing very, very well. My daughter and I have reconciled and found a new way to connect. I met and married a wonderful man who helped me raise my granddaughter. I look back and realize there wasn't any other way I could have handled it.....I was the only adult who could see what was truly going on......like you......and I took action......like you.......and it felt pretty scary and weird and I worried constantly not knowing if what I was doing was right.....like you.....
Sometimes we have to show up and do what we feel is right. Often we don't know much along the way except that we have to do something. One step after another we get to the other side, one day at a time, often one moment at a time.
Bob Marley said, "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." You and I had no choice but to protect the children. In my opinion, you've made the right choice, the only choice where it's conceivable that a positive outcome might be created for everyone. Good job Sumsky. And, I know it doesn't feel very good right now, you've got a lot riding in uncertainty......
.....your daughter, your step son and your husband are fortunate to have you on their side.
Hang in there Sumsky......this too shall pass....we'll circle our wagons around you as you navigate this bumpy terrain.....you're not alone.
My granddaughter is 22 now and doing very, very well. My daughter and I have reconciled and found a new way to connect. I met and married a wonderful man who helped me raise my granddaughter. I look back and realize there wasn't any other way I could have handled it.....I was the only adult who could see what was truly going on......like you......and I took action......like you.......and it felt pretty scary and weird and I worried constantly not knowing if what I was doing was right.....like you.....
Sometimes we have to show up and do what we feel is right. Often we don't know much along the way except that we have to do something. One step after another we get to the other side, one day at a time, often one moment at a time.
Bob Marley said, "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." You and I had no choice but to protect the children. In my opinion, you've made the right choice, the only choice where it's conceivable that a positive outcome might be created for everyone. Good job Sumsky. And, I know it doesn't feel very good right now, you've got a lot riding in uncertainty......
.....your daughter, your step son and your husband are fortunate to have you on their side.
Hang in there Sumsky......this too shall pass....we'll circle our wagons around you as you navigate this bumpy terrain.....you're not alone.
Thank you For sharing that recoveringenabler! I am so sorry you went through that. It does feel good to know that someone else can understand. I may be being too optimistic that somehow, someway we can make it through this together. I do feel so bad for my daughter and feel that this entire situation is completely unfair to her. She is the victim and I should have protected her. I also feel that if SS does not get the help he needs that it is a matter of time until he hurts someone else. I don’t want the weight of that on me for the rest of my life. I feel I also need to help him as much as possible. Not only for him but for his potiental victims. Through all this, I’m trying to provide as much stability for all of us and take one thing at a time. The first was keeping my daughter safe which I have done. The second is getting SS into intensive, specialized residential treatment. Which is where we are right now. My next step would be family therapy while he is in treatment so that we can heal. Then we will be stronger to handle the next step and decisions which will be based on our therapy as well as SS. All of these plans are subject to change as needed. But that is how I am approaching it for now.
As much as we parents believe we have the power to always protect our children, it is NOT a realistic expectation of ourselves, please let go of that thinking.... unless you have super powers we're not aware of, all that will do is keep you mired in guilt. Let it go. It happened, it's bad, you're dealing with it, thats it. Don't add any self judgement, you didn't do anything wrong.
SS does not know, perhaps no one knows except us, that YOU are his most ardent advocate...you're offering him a chance, perhaps the only chance he will receive.....and in this case, you are the 'protector' of his potential future victims.
This is the stance that is the most difficult. It requires a profound level of compassion and the willingness to stand alone in the darkness of enormous uncertainty and doubt and yet remain centered in your choice.....Sumsky, that's love.
I'm impressed with your commitment to your family. You've chosen the most difficult path in attempting to offer healing to everyone. I so hope it works out the way you believe it might.....if it doesn't, you've done your very best, which is all any of us can do.
You're being flexible and open to change, which is healthy......you've covered all the bases....
The following poem reminds me of you Sumsky....
The Invitation
It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain!I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day,and if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.
by
Oriah Mountain Dreamer
copyright © 1999 by Oriah Mountain Dreamer.
Thank you so much recoveringenabler!! You are such a blessing!!! You have no idea how much that means to me!! You have given me strength when I needed it most!
Update and some questions... we now have a caseworker to coordinate everything. I am so impressed with him!! He is not allowing SS or husband to minimize anything or shift blame. He feels our first priority is a psychosexual evaluation, family therapy and a CASSP evaluation. Anyone have any experience with psychosexual evaluations or CASSP? Caseworker is telling us that psychosexual evaluation is 100%. It includes brain and body responses that cannot be faked. CASSP is a committee of representatives from CYS, juvenile probation, school officials , counselors, family, etc that will help determine the best course of actions for SS. Also, just a side note... After SS heard what the psychosexual evaluation entailed, he is refusing to allow it. Caseworker is aware and said that there are ways around that and we can make it difficult for him if he continues to refuse. Just interested in anyone’s experience with this type of evaluation or CASSP.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Here is a good description of what it is and what it is supposed to prove. Please remember that no test can prove anything for sure as the subject can lie and fudge and the evaluator can interpret wrongly. I hope your daughter is safe and SS is not with him.
The Comprehensive Assessment Protocol: A Systemwide Review of Adult and Juvenile Sex Offender Management Strategies
The Comprehensive Assessment Protocol: A Systemwide Review of Adult and Juvenile Sex Offender Management Strategies
Thank you SWOT! Yes, my daughter is safe, away from SS and doing well! We (daughter, husband, my parents and I) have talked about having SS staying with great grandparents full time and daughter coming home. She (my daughter) has decided that she wants to finish the school year (6 weeks) at my parents on school days, but she will come home full time when summer vacation starts. She also knows that if she wants to come home at any point before that she can. She also knows that she can just say I want to come home tonight and we will make that happen. She is never at home if SS is there. With my work hours, this is better for her as she gets to sleep later and have a morning routine with a cooked breakfast and being taken to school instead of riding a bus.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Great parenting!!!
Thank you! Not ideal but it’s working for now and daughter seems to handling everything very well. She also knows that she has the control of where and when. So it’s working.
I’m relieved and hopeful once again... still a long road and it seems that every time I get my hopes up we go backward but this caseworker seems like he’s a no nonsense guy. The family hasn’t even asked about the latest appointment yet. They are very good at burying their head in the sand. SS spent the weekend with great grandparents so I’m sure my husband will be getting a call soon. Husband still feels that all these people will see that it was just a mistake and the evaluation will say the same. SS thinks it’s all good cause he says he’s not doing the psychosexual evaluation. He doesn’t realize what will happen if he refuses. We will be having two therapists doing family therapy at least twice a week as soon as everything is in place with paperwork. The therapists will even be going to my parents to work with them and my daughter. Husband is doing good in a lot of ways. He’s being honest with the caseworker even though he minimizes some of it. But the caseworker has kind of put it into perspective for my husband. That being said, husband and I had a very good weekend with my daughter and he seems to be coming around once again. Husband also told the caseworker that he wants the meeting through CASSP to be just us. He doesn’t want his family involved. That is a huge step for him as he has always relied on them to back him. Husband is also seeing more and more of how messed up the great grandparents are. Great grandparents having been allowing SS to drive their car on their property so he gets some experience for his test in August. They live beside a major roadway on a sharp turn. They have had numerous major accidents happen in the driveway because of the location. We have already told SS we will not allow him to take his test in August because he is not responsible enough to get behind the wheel. And again SS and great grandparents feel it’s not fair to him because my son was allowed to get his at 16. So my husband is seeing that they are already trying to undermine his authority once again. I guess patience does pay off a little. SS is back to showing his true colors even with discipline and all these appointments and counseling in place.
I haven’t updated lately and just wanted to give a lil update in case anyone is curious.... SS had a psychosexual evaluation. We will have the full results next Tuesday. All I know at this point is that there are areas of concern. That SS is displaying NO signs of remorse and that she feels this could be a repeated offense if given the opportunity. SS and daughter have had NO contact and daughter is back home full time and doing well. SS is only home if daughter goes to a friends or grandparents for a night. We have a local camping spot that we spend weekends over the summer months. My husband and SS have spent some time together there camping, fishing, etc. We are doing in home family therapy 2 days a week with 2 therapist coming each time. We have a case worker working with us and meet with him twice a month as well as the meetings for the evaluation. All of us (therapists,case worker, husband, SS and I) are meeting for the results on Tuesday and will decide our next step.
BloodiedButUnbowed
Well-Known Member
Thanks for the update, Sumsky. How are things with your H and his family?
Husbands mother and father have been good. His father especially feels very strongly that SS needs to go to residential treatment. His mother and I have not spoken as her solution to SS issues was to have husband make ‘me and my kids’ leave the house. She feels that SS needs some serious help but it’s ‘not bad enough’ to ‘send him away’. She has since come around a lil and realizes that it was a mistake to say that. Grandparents are still the same issue as always. And as of right now SS has been spending a lot of time with them. Therapists are having their first appointment with grandparents and SS on Thursday so we are anxious to see what comes of that.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Sumsky. Thank you. Nobody could have done more or better than you.
I can understand her pain but what a hurtful thing your mother in law said. It must be very hard for your husband too.
So it is one week more for the evaluation? It interests me that stepson will be present when the findings are presented. Why are they treating him like a responsible party? Has the possibility been broached, that the adults meet first, develop and implement a plan and then only when it is a done deal, involve stepson?
That would, it seems to me, better protect him, too. I worry that having him present for the findings could give him undue power to act out and sabotage, which could put his dad, in particular, under pressure.
Thank you for posting.
I can understand her pain but what a hurtful thing your mother in law said. It must be very hard for your husband too.
So it is one week more for the evaluation? It interests me that stepson will be present when the findings are presented. Why are they treating him like a responsible party? Has the possibility been broached, that the adults meet first, develop and implement a plan and then only when it is a done deal, involve stepson?
That would, it seems to me, better protect him, too. I worry that having him present for the findings could give him undue power to act out and sabotage, which could put his dad, in particular, under pressure.
Thank you for posting.
