New member seeks help....

[DesparatelyAfraid]

Re: not having horses. He never had his "own" horse. He rode, variously, stable school horses or horses (very well trained ones) that wealthy teenagers had lost interest in and stable managers just wanted them ridden. Those options don't really exist here. And he did not seem to have a strong emotional attachment, like I did with my horses when I was young. In my experience, teenage boys who ride, just like to ride--the challenge of the activity, of jumping higher and winning more prizes. They have little interest in grooming, feeding, mucking out stalls, or cleaning tack. That is my son as well.

 

[InsaneCdn]

USA is one of the most expensive countries on the planet

It's not any different in Canada (which is where I am). And we are definitely not "rich", nor any where close to "rich". Unless you are really poor, it is mostly a matter of choice.

 

[Copabanana]

I am accepting that a huge part of the problem with my D C was my reaction to him. To his lack of direction and motivation. To his distress. To his unhappiness. To his disrespect.

All of it made me feel helpless. That I needed to do something.

I am seeing things differently now. I needed to have faith in my child and faith in myself. I needed to believe in us as a family.

All kids are different. Especially kids that have had different experiences. Now that I am stronger and calmer...my son is too. Now that I know I am not responsible, I am less afraid. He can be stronger, too.

In just the time you have been posting it seems that your son has made some good choices about school. He is at the age now when it is normal to have his own perspective and make his own decisions. I know I had a lot of problems with that. I should not have.

With each day that passes the solutions will be more and more in your son...and not in you as his parent.

It seems to me that you have been a very responsible and loving parent and that you have given your son the foundation he needs to launch in life. It might be fits and starts. He might not have a clear direction right away. It might not be how you envisioned it.

Part of our task, I think, is holding on to the belief that it will be OK. Holding in our hearts the knowing that we have raised our children well. Trusting that they will find their way.

 

[A dad]

It's not any different in Canada (which is where I am). And we are definitely not "rich", nor any where close to "rich". Unless you are really poor, it is mostly a matter of choice.

Well its very different from where I am for example over 90% of of my country's households own their own house. I mean seriously you can not work for 20 years and still can not afford to be a house owner and still struggle with money. My time in USA learned me one thing my country is heaven on earth. I just think its too stressful and too work oriented country with little gain for my taste.
OP I have a question did your son had more hobbies before you moved where you are now and a more happy outlook on life?

 

[DesparatelyAfraid]

I grew up with a backyard horse. Trained him myself, and was lucky enough to find a coach who literally did not charge for the group lessons I took. My mom made my riding clothes and many of the leather accessories, like a weight pad, jump boots, a German martingale, etc. That was in OR. Northern VA is a bit different. And we live in the 'burbs. No place for a backyard horse. And the kind of horse he would benefit from would cost 10s of thousands of dollars. And stabling and board and vet and farrier, not to mention coaching, would be thousands more per month. My husband and I are government workers. Not really do-able.

Copa, thanks for the words of support. At this point, we are not blaming ourselves, just really struggling to keep him in school, to finish high school. Then, we may be more ready to let him strike out on his own. But that is an entire school year away.

Really, he is depressed and he needs to try medications, but he refuses. That is hard...to know there may be something that can help, but he won't do it.

 

[TerryJ2]

I agree:
They will find solutions themselves...by experiencing the real life consequences of their actions. They will themselves see if their philosophies bear fruit or not.
↑

 

[DesparatelyAfraid]

Today, my son could not/would not get up to go to school. He managed to do it for the past 2 and 1/2 weeks since school started, but I guess for some reason it was just too much today. People at the school say he has been participating, seems happy-ish, is polite and engaging. He also told me, when i asked him, that he had agreed to make another appointment with his therapist, for this evening. The therapist had called him yesterday to try to get him to make an appointment. it's good that he goes... as long as he goes and doesn't refuse at the last minute. But it feels like he has taken a real step in the wrong direction...not going to school. i wish he could see that he has a problem and it is not simply that his philosophy does not include school or work. he is so unhappy.

 

[Tanya M]

Well at least he has gone the past couple of weeks. It's also good that he's at least willing to see his therapist.
Hopefully he will decide to go back tomorrow or Monday.
His philosophical views are very common among so much of our youth. I will never understand their line of thinking or justification.
You are doing all that you can and that is enough.

Thanks for sharing this update.

 

[DesparatelyAfraid]

thanks for the words of encouragement and support. He did go to his therapy appointment and he did go to school today.