No idea what's happening

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by tokimom, Oct 27, 2018.

  1. tokimom

    tokimom New Member

    Hey everyone,

    I wanted to write about my son in hopes of finding some sort of solution / receiving advice. He is 4 and a half years old.

    He has always been a difficult child. For years, I never questioned his behaviour because I would bring it up to my mother and she would assure me that I was simply impatient and that it was all in my head. Mind you, shes only seen him twice times in the past two years, for a week at a time and never really spends time with him alone.

    When he hit 3, the tantrums started to get worse. I am a stay at home mom (always have been) and started to lose my mind. I have tried approaching several doctors who ignore my call for help, even getting reactions like, "well, he seems fine now" and "he's just a kid". I figured maybe still I was being dramatic, until my husband finally stayed home with us for a while and saw for himself and was shocked at how long I was able to put up with it. Then video chatting my cousin, she asked, "is he always like that?"referring to his terrible behaviour and refusing to sit still or speak to her at all.

    Age 4 hit. I thought maybe it would get better, and it didn't. It's been the same and possibly even worse. He has recently started peeing himself every time he gets mad and doesn't get his way.

    Some other stuff he does:
    - Does not follow rules at all
    - Does not care about consequences
    - Bothers / Hits our dog
    - Makes sounds (? Not sure how to describe it...)
    - Does things to purposely upset me or his dad
    - Throws tantrums constantly (screaming especially and does NOT calm down)
    - Has banged his head on things on purpose
    - Sometimes talks of hurting himself / Talks about death

    We have already taken him to a naturopath and gotten allergy tests done since no doctors would help us. We have cut out a lot of foods but it doesn't seem to be helping much.
    We also did speak to one pediatrician who ruled out autism.

    If anyone could help or has any advice on what to do that would be great. I have a newborn little girl at home and I'm at my wits end. Thank you.
  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I would take this to a neuro psycologist. Without intensive testing you cant rule out autism or anything and pediatricians are not really trained to test. They do shots, colds and the like. Neuro psychologists are psycologists with PHDs in Psychology with extra training in the brain function. Thats a lot of knowledge.

    I am thinking early Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). My son had it ruled out too but he has it. At 11 we took him to a neuro psychiatric and he was finally diagnosed. His life went up from then on. Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) can take time to diagnosis and ADHD and ODD may be the first diagnosis. I dont think a naturpath can help this degree of severe behavior. Early intervention is mandatory for a good prognosis of any behavior problem. My son is Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) age 25 and doing great but even with a wrong diagnosis. early on. He still ironically got help that was good for Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), even at school. At 3 he was already getting help, which really made a difference. He does not need medications. medications were bad for him and you can get help but still refuse medication. My son would have had the same good result without medications although he did take them when he was wrongly diagnosed with ADHD and childhood bipolar. If you are avoiding the medical community for that reason,no doctor can force medication. But they can offer interventions and therapy which your son will need at school if he acts out there. You will need to have a diagnosis, even if temporary, to get the school to help him out.

    Good luck.
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    Last edited: Oct 27, 2018
  3. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    Since he behaved at the doctor's office, does he usually behave outside the home? It sounds like he might have been being manipulative and putting on the sweet as pie act for the doctor.

    I have a relative your son's age who is fascinated by death and violence, but he never talks about hurting himself or wanting to die.

    I would keep pushing to get into see another doctor, even if you have to travel far.

    How is his behavior around the new baby?
  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member are not in the U.S. are you? If you arent you may get no help. Seems outside of the U.S. they dont work that much with young kids....hope my info is wrong. It is based on people who post here from Canada and Europe. It seems very different and seems harder to see specialists.

    Do what you can and make sure your son is not alone with the baby. Do you have a partner who can help?

    You can get info on the internet too. I get useful info on "YouTube". It can be like a free doctors appointment! I always do my research to learn
  5. The extreme tantrums/manipulation would definitely be tiring and should be curtailed soon for the health of your family. Call your son's pediatrician or the receptionist and ask for a name of a therapist for children or a family therapist. Record his out-of-control behavior with your phone to show the therapist. The therapist will begin working with your son and you to find methods to decrease his extreme behaviors.
  6. tokimom

    tokimom New Member

    Exactly! I'm not in the U.S. :( I'm in Canada, and here it is definitely much harder to see a specialist. We basically have to be referred by a doctor to see a specialist which is terrible!!

    My husband helps a lot when he can, but he does work long hours. Luckily he doesnt work the winters so he will be able to be home with us soon. It's a lot easier and less stressful when he's here. I feel like I've lost my mind.

    I'm definitely going to check out some Youtube channels, see what I can find. I love doing my research too haha.

    Thank you for sharing your story about your son. I'm so glad you found out he actually is Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) and that things got better for him! I will keep trying and pushing to see a specialist. I have hope that eventually something will work out and we will find a solution.
  7. tokimom

    tokimom New Member

    He does seem to put up a front when around other people at times, but not always. He is extremely intelligent so I feel like with the doctor he knew exactly what to do and how to act. Very manipulative.

    His behaviour around the new baby is actually okay, other than he doesnt like to let her rest. He will be loud on purpose to wake her up from naps all the time. I worry that with time he will get worse if I dont get help for him. I'm always on edge.
  8. tokimom

    tokimom New Member

    I just started recording his behavior, although when he notices I'm recording he will stop. He even fights me to delete it. I'm doing my best to secretly record it.

    I will definitely push to see a specialist. I think it's extremely important and I know I need to demand it.

    Thank you!
  9. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    You may want to take a video of his behavior on your phone to get the attention of somebody!!
  10. CareTooMuch

    CareTooMuch Active Member

    Does he do repetitive behaviors, over talk about a particular interest, line up things like cars, planes, etc. And know lots of details about the things he's playing with?
  11. tokimom

    tokimom New Member

    He REALLY likes math, and cats. Those are the two things he talks about most. Like, if we meet someone he will be really eager to show off his math skills. But no, he doesnt really do any of the other stuff.
    The repetitive behaviour, all I can think of is how he wants his blankets a certain way, made sure they're square because if they're not he can freak out.
  12. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Does he understand give and take play and conversation?

    My son would run around with other kids but had no idea how to share toys or wait to listen for answers from others. He sort of monologued. His obsessions were letters, numbers and videogames. He also had meltdowns when he had to stop an activity to go somewhere...he had big trouble with transitioning from one activity to another. He was very sensitive to loud noise, smells and touch...we had to cut all the tags off his shirts. We couldnt take him to the fireworks. He would cover his ears and cry.

    Your son needing his blanket one way or else he has a meltdown is very ASDish. My son would get frantic if we took him somewhere in an alternate route. He had an amazing rote memory and would know.

    As an adult he has learned to compensate quite well but he had lots of help. The earlier the help starts in my opinion the better. He had helped for his differences....not for autism as he was not diagnosed until age 11. But the school and community help for his differences really helped him, even with incorrect labels.

    As an adult he is still different but he is a sweetie who NEVER gets angry and is very loving, works, lives alone with minimal adult services and has friends, although he is a loner by choice. He is truly my hero. He came far. Your son can have a great outcome too.
    Last edited: Oct 28, 2018
  13. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    He is a smart little guy. He knows what he is doing. It's interesting that he didn't like you taping his behavior and wanted you to delete it. He doesn't want anybody else to see his bad behavior, but for some reason wants to act that way around you.

    I like that he is interested in math. He definitely sounds smart. If you can get the behavior to improve, he might be able to start kindergarten early. I can understand your reservations about putting him in pre-K.

    The blanket part is a little concerning. I like my blankets arranged a certain way, certain fabric, etc. But, if he is getting upset about the shape, that is a little troubling. Does he demand to eat out of a certain bowl or require his cup and plates arranged a specific way?
  14. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    All autistic kids have different things they fuss about. They have similar traits but very different preferences that disturb them. Some can be very smart but still struggle with learning differences in school. Autism, if it is that, is complicated. And often the diagnosis is missed early on.
  15. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    WOW, that is the truth! Next door to where my son works is a dayhab, mostly individuals who have autism , not one of them is like the one next to them. It is a big diagnosis. One of the employee is on the autism spectrum, for him it is all social and he is smart and work with and through it. One of the girls melts down if anything at all in the day changes, she always wears red, always has the same lunch. Another wears headphones and murmurs to himself as he works, another knows every song to every Broadway play (amazing) and sings like an angel..there are 17 different all extremely different individuals. the only thing the same is the basic diagnosis.
  16. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    And my son was less extreme and fit in better. At least in public. He sang to himself but always knew to do it at home. He never had meltdowns at school but did at home in his early years. He was always a loner and hated loud. He needed sime help with school work.

    They can all get lots of help. Starting early is helpful!
  17. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    There is a mother who has posted here in the past few months, from Canada, with a child with similarities to yours, and more or less in the age range, I think. She has had similar problems with a diagnosis. This is one of her threads.

    Don’t want to be B’s mom anymore

    You can do a search (see upper right.) You will find a number of mothers in your situation.