Not sure where to begin...

[New Leaf]

The emotional roller coaster is becoming unbearable at times. I start with being terrified for my child, being angry at her for her choices, being at peace, and being sad and disappointed, only to rinse and repeat. It's obsessive. When I do sleep, I wake up and I am reminded instantly of the reality of my world.

These feelings are so intense. let them wash through you as they come. I go through the same thing, sleepless nights, times when the feelings overcome me. It is what we go through to process all of this. Lord knows, in the thick of it with all of the chaos, there is NO time to really think on things and feel them. This is a time of intense work. It is hard, but necessary to get ourselves back. We moms focus on our kids and neglect ourselves. Especially so, when we have d cs.
Looking, do you have belief in a higher power? If so, prayer is really helpful. When I start awfullizing about my two, I say a quick prayer. I also use "mantras" like "They are out there finding their way, they will be okay." Or, just "BE OKAY".
When it was so intense after my two left six months ago, I looked up and said "God, this is too much for me to handle, I know you only loaned them to me for a short time, I did the best I could, they are yours again, please watch over them."

I'm starting to open up with people outside of my family about my kid's choices and behavior. I'm told over and over I'm doing the right thing. My head knows it, my heart is not there yet.

I am glad you can share with others. It is a good thing to hear people say that you are doing the right thing, and YOU ARE.

The "I'm sorry, I'll change, I've learned my lesson". I know it's all BS but for some reason I'm hoping for that email. Sick, right? I want to hear "I'm sorry" but the truth is she's not. If she were, this behavior and choices would have changed many years ago, the first time she was "sorry".

No, not sick to want an apology. Me too. I want one. It may not come ever. Well, that is on them, isn't it? You are right, action speaks louder than words, more than an apology, I would like to see my two making better decisions and living a better life. But, they have to want that for themselves.......

I want peace. I'm terrified of learning new and terrible things about what she's doing in her life. I'm scared I'M the one who won't make it.

This is called awfullizing. We worry ourselves to the brink of ulcers on what could be happening to our kids. It is a terrible place to go. Try not to go there, I know it is oh so hard. The many times I have been there, my two are just having a wonderful time....doing their thang.
All that worrying for nothing. Does not help them, and is very destructive for us. You WILL make it, Looking. If not for you, focus on your 8 year old sweetie pie. Take this time to go through your feelings, then see the possibilities for your home to become a place of piece.

Here is another tool I use to stop the crazy awfullizing.......Viktor Frankl

"Viktor Emil Frankl was an Austrian neurologist and psychiatrist as well as a Holocaust survivor."

I am seeing through Frankl's words that when I think or speak of my d cs, or in talking with them, I can recognize their "spark", presuppose it with my thoughts, words and actions, thereby "elicit" what they are capable of becoming. Elicit what they are capable of becoming in my own mind, then channel that to them.

So, instead of thinking "What ever could be happening to my child, out there on the streets?"
I can marvel at her capacity to survive.
Instead of saying to her "You need to find help, go to a rehab."
I can say "You are capable of helping yourself, you are strong."

So my dear, feel what you have to feel GET IT OUT. It is important to release all of the stuff built up inside.
When I find myself slipping, I listen to sad songs, to help process how I am feeling. I write it out, draw, pray. Sometimes I just need to sleep, to make up for all of those sleepless nights, or early morning jolts awake with thoughts of my two. Give yourself the time and breaks you need. You are a warrior mom, warriors
need R&R.

Then, when you are ready, work at finding your strength and rebuilding. Make use of the amazing mentors who walked this earth, Maya Angelou, Viktor Frankl, Ghandi....etc. look for inspiration in the people you admire.
You will be okay, Looking. We are all here rooting for you.

(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[New Leaf]

I grew up with a very ill mother both physically and mentally. It's such a long story but from a young age I was dealing with things a kid should never have to face. By 18, I was her caregiver and by 20 she died. I've never met my bio dad and had a step father when I was young but was not in my life by the time I was 10. I know I've been damaged by that. I know I have PTSD from the way I grew up and I also know it's where my severe anxiety comes from.

I am sorry for your hardships growing up. There is a forum here-Family of Origin, where folks have written about their childhood.
The pain we go through with our d cs cuts to the very core of us and can dredge up old wounds from the past, that we may, or may not have processed. You are most welcome to post there, if you wish as well. What a tough time you have had, Looking. So you had your girl at 21 or so. I had my eldest at 20. Yes, socialized and had fun, but for the most part concentrated on raising her. As, I am sure you did, too.
Looking, we are human, we did the best we could do under the circumstances we were in. Please do not blame yourself. We do no good by going that route. If you blame yourself, then I shall have to go back down that road, and I do not want to. It is a sharp sword that we fall on and it hurts too much......We can be our own worst enemies with this. Whatever we did, or didn't do in the exasperation of raising d cs, we did our best.
They grow up and make choices of their own accord.
Their choices, their consequences.
Sure, I have apologized to my kids for the shades of stupid that I went through. Yes, I did make mistakes. I forgive myself. I am human.

I was a survivor from my childhood, all statistics say I should be an addict too and messed up. I chose different for myself (but with mistakes along the way) I almost expect my kid to be the same way but I guess I'm wrong in that thinking.

You are strong, Looking. Everyone is different, our kids are all so different. Don't write the end of the story for yourself or your daughter. She will do as she pleases, no matter what until she figures out the consequences are not worth it. She has to figure that out, and you are giving her the greatest chance by saying "Not in my house." Good for you, and her. Good for your family, that you are strong and resolute, and will not allow this in your house. The ultimate, is that you have stood up and made a clear statement and followed through on it. The rest is up to your daughter, but she must know that she cannot use you, or fool you into feeling responsible for her actions. That is the best thing you can do for her right now at this minute, this day, to let her learn from her choices. It is how we all learn. She has wings, can be responsible, can find her way. The likelihood of her learning is greater, because you have put your foot down. Stay the course. Try not to write the end of the story. Many d cs here have learned from their mistakes, and walked different paths.

There are times I wish I never had any kids, like I'm just not equipped to raise them to be "normal" and successful in life. I try to remind myself I'm not my mother but I feel like her more and more everyday.

You are not your mother. By your description of your marriage and your 8 year old, you are a wonderful mother. I am sure you are a wonderful mother in every way to both of your children. They are just two very different people.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
You are only human.
(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[New Leaf]

Take this time to go through your feelings, then see the possibilities for your home to become a place of piece.

A place of PEACE. Geez, the spelling. Our homes and hearts are already in pieces with our d cs there......a place of peace......
leafy

 

[Lookingforthelight]

Leafy. You are amazing and a lifeline for me right now. I'm so grateful that I found this site and was brave enough to post. Thank you for taking the time to respond and truly care. I want to hug you.

I just finished another crying session and my husband called at the right time so I'm feeling calmer at the moment but I feel like I'm in a fog.

Thank you to all of you. I keep re-reading all of these posts and I know they'll help me get through the even darker times.

There really is good people in this world still, and I found them. I'm eternally grateful.

 

[New Leaf]

Thank you for the hug Looking, you made me tear up.....I am grateful for the folks that help me here, too.

It is a feeling of fog, isn't it? But, Looking, you have done so much already to bolster your toolbox, well I call it an armory, because we are warriors.
You are doing really well, although you may not feel like it right now, but you are.

I have used this website (link here) http://outofthefog.website/what-it-feels-like/

It helps to understand the stuff we go through. That is a website for personality disorders and while my two were never diagnosed, they exhibit traits, especially when they are using. It has helped me to understand that the different stages of emotions I go through are natural, considering all of the drama and chaos.

I am glad you are finding relief here, and do know how devastating this all can be.
There are so many kind and good people here who take time to respond to others in need.

Really, Looking, you are helping me too, because when I write to you, I am writing to myself.
Just know that you are held, dear.

There really is good people in this world still, and I found them. I'm eternally grateful.

There are, and you are one of them. Hang in there Looking, you are going to be okay.

leafy

 

[Albatross]

LL, welcome. Sorry you have felt the necessity to post, but posting really helps.

Sadly, now that you have set your limits, she might push back harder and uglier. I hope not, but...

It would be nice if we could just set a limit and be done, in our heads and our hearts. Unfortunately it is rarely that clean, when dealing with a Difficult Child. There will be ups and downs, but for what it's worth I agree with everything you did. My regret is not doing it sooner.

 

[Lookingforthelight]

I've looked up borderline personality disorder and my goodness, my d c fits every description other than the threatening suicide/self harm. Although I suspect she will go that route once she realizes I'm not changing my mind and in essence has "lost" me. I'm waiting for that...

If she contacts me do I suggest she looks into this and gets help? Her psychologist clearly hasn't clued into the similarities. And I'm kind of angry that I've paid $175 every two weeks (for the last year!!) to this person and there's been no mention of this?! Just how great she is & how mature she is...now that she's 18 I have no way to legally help her. Had I known this sooner, I would've gotten her proper help.

Now I'm just mad.

 

[Lookingforthelight]

I hope it's not too late for princess. I hear a common theme about following through sooner. I have the same regrets to be honest. My husband and I both wish we would have left her at her dads when she was 14.

 

[New Leaf]

There will be ups and downs, but for what it's worth I agree with everything you did. My regret is not doing it sooner.

Me, too Albie, well I did it, but gave far too many chances to come back. The old revolving door.... Well, at least we can offer up the lesson from that experience to others in the same predicament.
How wise retrospect is........

I hope it's not too late for princess. I hear a common theme about following through sooner. I have the same regrets to be honest. My husband and I both wish we would have left her at her dads when she was 14.

Well, Looking, 14 is awfully young, who knows if it would have been better, worse or the same? What regrets may you have had if you did leave her there? Shoulda, woulda, coulda.

Just how great she is & how mature she is...now that she's 18 I have no way to legally help her. Had I known this sooner, I would've gotten her proper help.

Now I'm just mad.

Okay, for the record.....I sent you the link not to think of what your daughter may or may not have, just to see what the effects on us as parents are and look at some tools you may use to get through the fog.
Sorry for any misunderstanding on that.... Okay that being said, your daughter sounds very clever and the psychologist, well they are people and it is a business. Sheesh $175 every two weeks? Aaarrgh. You have done the best you could, taken her to see someone and she was able to fool the Dr. into thinking she was okay. The "her" you have seen could have mental issues, or drug use issues, who knows? Sounds like she has been using for awhile, had issues from a young child, but you took her to the Dr. then and nothing came of it. Looking, we are not magicians.....we are moms........

leafy

 

[Lookingforthelight]

Leafy, I don't know how to quote like you guys are doing so my apologies. Somehereoutthere had mentioned to me last night to look up Borderline (BPD), that my daughter sounds more complicated. So your links are not what prompted my post. Sorry for the confusion.

I have found everything you've said and linked to be truly helpful for me. I'm ingesting everything you're saying. And I'm humbled and grateful.

 

[New Leaf]

It's all good Looking, just wanted to clarify. I have felt the same for my two. They did not tantrum like Princess (good name) but did have some issues......
Okay, quoting....when you want to quote, highlight the section, underneath that, a +quote/reply box should pop up. The quote one is easier for me. When you write and want to add quotes there is an insert quote button on the bottom left hand corner of the reply box, clic on that, a box will appear with the quotes and an "insert quote" button, click on that, and the quotes you select will go into your reply section with brackets, the posters name and end brackets. Add your comments outside of the brackets.....otherwise your reply will be in the blue section with the quote. Hope that helps....play around a bit, we all went through the same thing.

No worries Looking, we are all good. Your daughter does sound complicated, and smart. How does she do in school?
leafy

 

[Lookingforthelight]

I guess my frustration towards her counsellor has to do with the fact my kid has been honest about how self destructive she is, the remorse she feels turns to anger, but she'll keep doing the same old thing over & over. She cannot be alone ever and is terrified of losing people, even the bad people in her life. I'm just frustrated as a mom that I've tried to get her help...and it hasn't helped.

 

[Lookingforthelight]

Thanks Leafy. I have to play around on here. Lol. This is all new to me.

She has struggled in school since kindergarten. Things simply didn't come easy to her. And unfortunately I had her in a highly academic school that left her behind because she was a "challenge". I pulled her out in grade 6 and we found great success at her new school. Her teacher was AMAZING and supportive. We had her tested and her programming modified to help her feel success. Grade 7 was a joke. She was in a program that was too easy. Waste of a year. We moved to a new town in grade 8. I begged the school to modify her courses. No luck. Met new, bad friends and it's been downhill from there. Grade 10 was "ok" for schooling. She passed her courses. By this time she was with her boyfriend who was emotionally abusive. Grade 11 she was truent & suspended for it. Second semester we put her in an outreach school which was ok (it's a good environment for her & good people) but she got pregnant (not on purpose) then went off the rails. She didn't finish but left the boyfriend (yay). She went last semester to the out reach and finished all her grade 11 courses (yaaaay!!). We were so proud of her. But there was still a lot of challenges last semester with her being booted out of the house etc. She decided then she wanted to go back to the mainstream high school to graduate with her "friends". Last week she decided she wanted to go back to outreach and we supported it. Agsin, it's a better environment. And here we are today. She didn't go to school the last 2 days. I'm not surprised.

She has only 3 courses left to complete.

I think she wants to graduate but I think I wanted it more. School is her way of getting things from us. Her social life is far more important.

 

[New Leaf]

She cannot be alone ever and is terrified of losing people, even the bad people in her life. I'm just frustrated as a mom that I've tried to get her help...and it hasn't helped.

This sounds like my eldest. I didn't see this when she was growing up, she did have trouble with school, always wanted to be home. Looking back at it, I wish I had taken her somewhere, but didn't see it then. That is frustrating, too. It is all frustrating. Maddening and not fair. I am with you there.
There is still help and hope for our d cs, no matter what. People find ways to turn their lives around.

 

[New Leaf]

I think she wants to graduate but I think I wanted it more. School is her way of getting things from us. Her social life is far more important.

Well now we shall see how badly she wants it. Sounds to me Looking like you have put a lot of time and effort into helping her. Sometimes I think these kids just keep pushing the limits to test us, like "What are you going to do about this, how about this...and this?" There is no other choice but to give them the boot, they are asking for it in every which way. She will have to want to graduate for herself. She can do it.

 

[Lookingforthelight]

Leafy,

Princess stayed with a boy for 2 years so she wasn't alone. Sh brought home not one but two cats because she couldn't sleep alone. After breaking with the boyfriend she attached herself to bad girl friends who she had previously distanced herself from. She's now with a boy we've yet to meet who appears to have more issues than the first one. She cannot be alone. Ever. She made a comment to me the night we took the car that really registered after reading about Borderline (BPD). I was upset she's not home during the week sleeping for school and she said "why does it matter if I'm home? You guys just go to bed and I'm in the basement by myself". Ummm, we're in bed because it's late? The kid cannot be alone.

 

[Nature]

I feel the same way - I experience(d) shame and guilt at my son's behavior. Horrified, was another word to describe my feelings when I found out some of the illegal stuff he was doing.
The first time he went to Rehab at age 16, I confided to co-workers believing they would understand. It was my first experience and I wasn't sure how to handle it. I noticed I was treated differently by two of them.Not all people understand and this caused more hurt.

I didn't tell a soul when my child ended up in prison years later besides my closest friend whom I've had since I was a little kid. Her reaction was not to say , "I'm sorry that is happening to you" but to then tell me how incredibly well her son was doing. She went on and on and didn't stop about how well she raised him and therefore he was such a success today. I was incredibly hurt by her response and was unable to maintain my friendship with her after that. I realized she too judged me despite that I raised my other child reasonably well. I had in the past shared in her son's success but for her respond to me in that way hurt my soul.
Now, I'm more guarded as to who I trust to confide in with no judgements coming from them. Instead a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. Ironically, I found two others at work whom have similar stories involving their children which I wouldn't have known about had I not shared. Still, I would warn you to be very careful as to who you share your story with. This is a safe place with those who have walked in your shoes, understand , and can provide you with solace. I'm glad you are with us.

 

[Lookingforthelight]

Well now we shall see how badly she wants it. Sounds to me Looking like you have put a lot of time and effort into helping her. Sometimes I think these kids just keep pushing the limits to test us, like "What are you going to do about this, how about this...and this?" There is no other choice but to give them the boot, they are asking for it in every which way. She will have to want to graduate for herself. She can do it.

This. So true.

 

[Lookingforthelight]

I did it! Haha. Small victories.

 

[New Leaf]

This. So true.

You figured it out....good job!