Dear, sweet Looking, I am glad you are feeling a bit better today. It is hard when our d cs have to leave our homes because of their choices, it just leaves this big empty hole with lots of feelings to process. Especially if you are used to cleaning up the "mess" after years and years. My daughter was pregnant at 15 and ended up having her child, and two more after. This kept us very involved for a long time. It was hard both ways, them home with us, and then not.
I obsess with how to fix it, I offer advice (way too much advice, I can't drop it until they do something) and then when that crisis is diverted I move to the next one. Does anyone else go through this - I suppose it's a different forum but it relates to my Difficult Child.
What you have written here is appropriate for this forum, it gives a complete picture of what you are going through. I think we are all obsessive when it comes to our d cs. We are mothers, and we just want things to be right for our beloved children. As we see them making these mistakes, taking chances, making one bad choice then another, we get caught up with trying to
fix things. I think we have all gone through this to different degrees.
I suppose it sounds like I'm shifting "blame" on to myself and that's not what I'm intending to do. Difficult Child has been abusive, a chronic liar, manipulative and now a thief - she needs to own that. And I know I raised her knowing right from wrong - for 3 days after stealing the money, she was very nice (& almost needy) and kept asking if I was mad at her - guilt. She is always like that when she's done something wrong that she knows I'll be upset about.
When we decide that we have had enough, that our d cs are effecting the whole household and our lives so detrimentally that we have no other choice but to have them leave, it brings up a lot of emotions. We role back the tapes of our mothering and search for answers. We are only human, I can find lots of incidences where I wish that I had done a better job. But, we are only human, and did the best job we could at the time. What it really equates to is the choices our kids make as young adults, the disregard for us, our homes that really give us no other alternative. I don't think you are shifting blame, just processing all that has occurred and wishing things were different. But, unfortunately, they are not. What was happening in your home with your daughter there, was toxic. It is unfair for anyone to be living in a home, breaking rules, lying and stealing. If the kids stay in our homes with this going on, it only gets worse. Someone has to draw the line.
Will our relationship survive this? I haven't talked to her since Friday. My husband is convinced she'll ask to come home eventually but how do I explain why she can't come home?
Your relationship will most probably survive this more so than if your daughter continued to live at home. This is her chance to grow into becoming a responsible person. This is a clear message to her that you will not tolerate to be disrespected or mistreated. Her actions in your home were unacceptable. What else could you have done?
It is up to you, Looking, what you do next. I had to make my daughter leave at 18, she was similar to yours. Involved with the wrong type of friends, drinking, partying, not helpful. There was no other choice. She found a job and couch surfed, lived with a boyfriend. We let her come back home a few times and found that she backslid at home. Continued to view being home as some sort of "vacation". So we asked her to leave again. The same for my other d c with kids. We had a "revolving door" situation, trying to help, with the same results, backsliding and a feeling of entitlement. It was crazy.
Your story may be different. Each of us have unique situations and handle our journeys the best way we can at the time. None of us are experts, just parents who are on this same journey at different places along the path. It is important to understand that at this point, it is the hardest place to be in. So many different feelings we go through. Try not to "awfullize" and think about the absolute worse case scenario. It is quite possible that your daughter will buck up and do what she needs to do. If that doesn't happen, then deal with whatever comes, as it comes. That is why one day, one step at a time is the best way to view this. Slow....way....down. Our minds can race with the despair of this. Be very kind and gentle with yourself. I am glad that you will go back to a therapist to help you. It is important to try to focus on you. How do YOU move forward to help strengthen yourself. We do the best for our children, by trying to be our best selves. From there, we can make better decisions.
Remember, we are talking about loving detachment, not coldly cutting our d cs off. I am a bit Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), too and swung far the other way. My two went no contact with me while hard, it was also a blessing, because it gave me time to really think things through.
Try not to peer off into the future, the end of the story is not written.
One thing that helped me was to say "I cannot have this in my home." I also focused on my young son, he deserved peace after all of the years dealing with his sisters and our grands.
I also tell myself that my two are out there finding their purpose and meaning, that they are very capable of living their own lives. Anything you can do to build up your armory and strengthen yourself is important. Alanon, naranon, websites, books. The focus is on building your own skills to deal appropriately
for you in this situation. If your daughter calls, and you still need a break from speaking with her, that is fine.
The focus is on your heart and your peace of mind. It is up to you. You decide what happens. You have to be able to look yourself in the mirror. You can tell her that her actions in your home were unacceptable and she is fully capable of finding her way. That you have faith in her abilities. Where you go from here is your choice. No one here can tell you what to do. We are just here to offer kindness and understanding, and give advice from our perspective. The rest is up to you. There is no judgement here.
I don't know what else to say at this point. All I ever wanted was health and happiness for my girl and to have a close relationship and now there's none of that.
That is now. That is understandable, considering what you have been through. I believe our d cs keep on pushing the limits and boundaries with us, because we are their parents, they think we will continue to allow the craziness of it all. They take our relationship for granted. It becomes a one sided, abusive situation. Not right. Unacceptable. If we do not teach these kids how to treat us properly, who will? It is up to us to set these limits. otherwise they wreak havoc in the home and don't grow up. It is like living with an out of control 13 year old. Except, they are not 13, we have no control over them even legally. The only control we have, is over ourselves. I believe, the more we allow, the more they push, the less they respect us. No relationship worth having can work without respect. You are teaching your daughter that you deserve and expect respect.
I look at finding out about the missing money as a blessing. It was the catalyst for me to take action as I can't live with someone who steals from me.
It was a blessing, Looking. We can't live with people, even our own beloveds, who have no boundaries when it comes to us. It is like domestic violence and abuse, but it is coming from our child. That is hard. Hurtful. Devastating. But, somehow, we have to overcome all of that and stand up to say no more. Love says no. Love says "I will not be treated this way." That is self love, not selfishness. If we cannot love ourselves and have self respect enough to protect ourselves, then neither can our d cs, for themselves, or us. What you are doing now is hard, but it is a very valuable lesson to your daughter. We do not bite the hands that feed us, or burn bridges by mistreating our parents.
It's just that this process has opened up so much more in me that I would've rather kept locked away, probably because it's so painful to face. It's sometimes easier to stay stuck I suppose but that means I was keeping my daughter stuck too.
You are absolutely right Looking, this opens up some very old wounds. It did for me too. I thought I had processed stuff I grew up with and moved on, turns out I didn't. I began exploring my past in the FOO forum, with some other members. It was very freeing, to get that stuff out. Yes, easier to keep locked away, but really, those old feelings coming up meant for me that I didn't deal with them sufficiently, that it was still effecting my life. I wondered too, if it had effected my parenting. You are more than welcome to post there too. It helps to write out the pain and have others respond. If you are not comfortable there, certainly you may wish to address it with your therapist. It is all a part of trying to regain yourself back. Being able to deal with all of this comes from building up to our best selves. From there, we can develop the skills we need to continue this journey as warrior moms. What you will find, is that the battle really is about regaining ourselves back because so much is lost along the path of dealing with d cs. Many have found that we have lost so much of ourselves. The stronger you are, the better you are equipped to really help your daughter. I think the best thing we can do for our kids is show them how to be their best selves, by striving to be our best selves.
You are going to be okay, Looking. One day, one step at a time. The good folks here are with you as you walk this path. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
You are not alone.
(((HUGS)))
leafy
