Oh SUSAN...

[meowbunny]

I truly hate your arrogance, Susan. You thought we wouldn't notice the post that admitted he was back home. You didn't even have the decency and courage to tell us yourself. And then you went right back to agreeing with everything said. Of course, nothing will change -- you'll continue doing as you do, harming both of your sons while whining about how much you love your eldest and just couldn't let him do it on his own.

I'm waiting for the post that says you once again took him to the doctor, the dentist, someone so he could get his drugs. Let's face it, you enjoy the control you have over your son. As long as he's an addict and living with you, he's beholden to you for everything. He may fight it, but he knows he owes you everything -- the roof over his head, the food in his stomach, the drugs in his system.

Whether you want to hear it or admit it, YOU are your son's drug dealer. And you will happily continue to be that in one way or another so long as you have the control you so desperately need. It is past time for you to get some serious help. It is past time for the good people on this board to quit supporting you and saying they understand. In the years I have lurked, in the time I have been active, I have never seen a mother admit to taking her son to get drugs before. I sincerely hope I never see it again.

Your eldest deserves a mother who will truly help him, who will fight to force him to do what is needed, not one who will support in all of his mistakes. Your youngest deserves to live in a home where he and his belongings are safe. You and your husband ensure that neither boy gets what he needs.

 

[standswithcourage]

I am today. I read Janets post and it makes me think that my son is like hers. It also makes me wonder if he is scared to live without some of us - it seems he is scared. Should I feel bad for him or not? I am going to my counselor today.

 

[CrazyinVA]

Who cares if he is scared? Why should you feel bad for him because he's suffering the consequences of HIS CHOICES? Stop focusing on HIS feelings. You are NOT resopnsible for his feelings.

You know what though? I do feel sorry for your son. Because he has no hope of changing, ever, as long as you enable him, and it appears that you are nowhere near ready to change that. You are contributing to his problems. He is destined to be living withyou at 30, and 40, with you still complaining about it.

I am sorry if that is too harsh.. but I believe it's true.

 

[trinityroyal]

I am today. I read Janets post and it makes me think that my son is like hers. It also makes me wonder if he is scared to live without some of us - it seems he is scared.

Susan, if your difficult child is scared of anything, it's that maybe one of these days you will follow up on your threat not to let him live at home anymore.

Should I feel bad for him or not?

No, I don't think you should.

Susan, do you recognize that you are treating all of us the same way your son treats you?

We worry over you, spend a lot of time and energy thinking about ways to help you and offering you our help.

You tell us what we want to hear, that you've listened and learned and will change, but then you continue with the same destructive behaviour over and over again.

Well, I, as so many others have already said, think it's time for tough love. For YOU, Susan, not your difficult child. I will continue to pray for you, but I will no longer enable your destructive behaviour.

Until you are truly ready to make a change for the better in YOUR life, I can no longer participate in your self destruction.

Trinity

 

[Genny]

I am going to my counselor today

That's great news! Please DO attend the Al-anon meetings, and continue to see your counselor. I don't think there are many of us on this board who haven't needed the assistance of a good counselor at some point in our difficult child journey. It is hard to see your child suffer. It's even harder when they tell you how terrible their life is and beg you for help. It's a tremendous help to have a professional tell you that saying NO is the best thing you can do for them, and the most responsible thing you can do as a parent.

You deserve a life. You, husband, and easy child deserve peace in your home. It's easy for our difficult child's and their drama to become our obsession. How can it not when you're always waiting for the other shoe to drop? It's a difficult cycle to break, but it's imperative that you break it. I know in my case it adversly affected my physical health, mental health, and marriage. All three are finally back on track and much healthier now - and difficult child is learning how to be a responsible adult.

YOU can do it, Susan. But just like your difficult child has to want to change, so do you. You have to want it, and you have to do what it takes to make it happen. Nobody is suggesting that it's easy; we'll be the first ones to tell you it's one of the hardest things you'll ever do in your life. But you MUST, for your difficult child's sake and your own. Start by going through the motions. Go to counseling every week. Go to Al-anon every week. No excuses, just do it. I'm rooting for you.

((HUGS))

Genny

 

[janebrain]

I'm thinking my difficult child 1 and Susan are very similar. My difficult child 1 can "talk the talk" as well as anyone--she can talk just like a therapist, sounds like she really "gets" it. Then she turns around and does just the opposite of what you thought she would do in light of her understanding. I kept feeling used and conned when that happened. I finally woke up and realized she would just tell people what she thought they wanted to hear and I quit expecting her to actually act on her insights. Now I just take what she says at face value and don't put a lot of stock in it. That way I don't get so frustrated. I think that is what I will do with Susan at this time. She will talk the talk and then do what she wants. Fine.
Jane

 

[witzend]

Susan, if you are seeing your therapist today, please don't whine about the terrible things that happened to your son. Please ask her "What the h3ll is wrong with me and how do I stop?"

Genny, there are multiple al-anon meetings every day and Susan needs each one of them.

I'm with Meowbunny. Your son is doing to you exactly what you do to us. You are the master manipulator/triangulator. You taught him very well.

This thing you do with us really isn't about your son. It's about you. I was a difficult child too. I did drugs, I stole, I ran away, I got into trouble, I didn't finish school. I also got over it by the time I was 20. If I was your difficult child, I'd still be doing it because you would never have let me grow up.

VA says he is destined to be living with you when he is 30 and 40 and have you still complaining about it. If you continue to control his life that's the best thing that could happen in 15 - 20 years. It's much more likely that he will be in jail on a three strikes crime or dead. The thing I don't think Susan thinks about is the wonders of brain damage from loss of oxygen to the brain. All it takes is one good bender where he chokes on his vomit and doesn't breathe for a bit until someone finds him. Then she can either change his diapers all day and wipe his drool, or know that he will be in a rehab center - a different kind of rehab center - the rest of his life. She'll be crying about how she can fix it. But he won't be getting high.

And what do you bet she tells us right now, "Thank you guys, you are right" then turns around and does any of the enabling things we all told her not to do within two weeks. It's hard to even be angry at her anymore, because it's what I expect of her. It's those of us who keep up the "You're doing great work, Susan! You've come such a long way!" garbage when she's doing the same darn thing she was doing when she joined our group. The only difference is that she has pulled you totally into her mess and made you a party to the damage she inflicts upon her family.

 

[Kolleen]

I have to thank Susan for bringing up this topic and all of you for your responses!!! This is just what I needed! Some of the stuff I've been worrying about kicking sonnyboy out - again.............. was right on target!!! and has eliminated most of my dumb worries!!!

I've cut and pasted so many of the comments. I'm gonna read them every day and allow no more extensions of move out date!!!

Bless you all for responding!

 

[standswithcourage]

I hope Ihelped you Kolleen. I think I got everyone else all upset. Anyway I appreciate the posts too.

 

[KTMom91]

Again, in reading this thread, I see Miss KT's father all over the place. Almost 50 years old, living in a house his mother owns, completely supported by his mother, driving an almost new pickup his mother gave him, having Mom pay the child support, insurance premiums, and all other KT-related expenses...he is useless. He does nothing. He contributes nothing to society. He sits on his skinny butt all day long, when he isn't sick or sleeping. He controls his mother. She controls him. I think they're both nuts. This is what Susan has to look forward to. A big sack of useless.

 

[Hound dog]

Susan

It's simple. Really. difficult child is 24. When it comes to difficult child do nothing. That's it. Nothing.

Now for yourself, that's different. Go to the alanon meetings and such. Talk to therapist about how to make Susan a better person, a happier person. Forget about difficult child. Only he can fix his problems. Focus instead on Susan, and fixing the issues you have.

I know each parent has to come to detachment in their own time thru their own process. But Susan, you've really got to try for it to work. And telling difficult child NO, then letting him come home is shooting yourself in the foot. Your word no longer means squat to him. You've placed yourself right back at square one with difficult child.

Hugs

 

[Suz]

Well, I sense blood pressure rising in several members on this thread and that's not healthy for anyone.

Since few posters seem to trust Susan's credibility anymore and feel as if she is only yanking our chains and not truly serious about wanting our input or wanting to change, I was thinking that this sounds remarkably similar to threads we've posted about our difficult children over the years. Maybe our responses aren't appropriate to her situation anymore and we need to detach ourselves from her problems since she seems to be unwilling to dig deep enough and try hard enough to do the necessary homework to enact change.

So rather than raise your blood pressure, rather than feel as if you are beating your head(s) against a wall, perhaps this is a good time to re-introduce a great archived thread as a way to respond to Susan in the future. Remember, we always have the option of walking away like we used to with our own difficult children, or....

*Let's Brainstorm and Make a List*

http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/showthread.php?t=685

Just a thought.

Suz

 

[witzend]

I have to thank Susan for bringing up this topic and all of you for your responses!!!

Actually, it was BBK who brought this topic up.

 

[witzend]

Since few posters seem to trust Susan's credibility anymore and feel as if she is only yanking our chains and not truly serious about wanting our input or wanting to change... Remember, we always have the option of walking away like we used to with our own difficult children, or....

*Let's Brainstorm and Make a List*

http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/showthread.php?t=685

Just a thought.

Suz

Do you mean kind of like the "That's interesting about your difficult child, Susan, what did you do for yourself today/how's your easy child/maybe you need a pedicure/why don't you and husband go out to dinner, are you reading any books/have you seen any movies, do you have a hobby, etc..." thing that we all tried with her for a few weeks last winter?

 

[Suz]

Yep- give Susan the same kind of superficial responses that we suggested to Barbara in 2006 in that archived thread in order for us to maintain an even keel and not engage.

Or maybe stepping away from the keyboard and not responding to Susan at all.

The bottom line is that nothing we say or do will change Susan's behavior or anyone else's. It's up to them.

Suz

 

[donna723]

I wasn't going to chime in on this, but I just can't help it!

I have always firmly believed that our most important job as parents is to prepare our children to be able to stand on their own two feet and to be able to do without us! Susan, I think what you are doing with your son is incredibly selfish and that underneath it all, you're doing it for your own reasons, not to help him. You do these things not out of concern for him but because YOU still desperately need to be his mother, to take care of him, to smooth the way for him, because it makes YOU feel like you are still needed and that his life still revolves around YOU like it did when he was little! Well, it doesn't! The lives and choices of most 24 year old grown men do not revolve around their mothers - that's just the way it is! And that's the way it should be! You know that what you are doing is actually harming him, not helping him, and you do it anyway because it makes YOU feel good! That's very selfish of you and it's at HIS expense!

A divorced woman I work with had two grown college-educated sons, one in his early 30's, the other in his late 20's. Both have good well paying jobs and live a two-hour drive away from her and both make more money than she does. For the longest time she would go to the grocery store every month and buy hundreds of dollars worth of meat and groceries, and take it to them ... a hundred miles away! And she paid their car insurance! And they LET HER! She did it because she wanted them to need her, to be beholden to her, to be grateful to her ... they weren't! Not a bit! But they took it! They are now 35 and 31 and she still pays for their car insurance! They expect it! I don't know which is more pathetic - her for doing it or them for allowing her to do it!

So now you're headed for another showdown when his time is up and I have no doubt that you will give in again. He will sit there doing absolutely nothing to help himself because he KNOWS you will cave and he will be able to carry on just the way he is now! Your "deadline" means nothing to him because you don't have the courage to stick to your guns and he knows it. You told everyone, including him, that you would not allow him to come to your home when he got out of jail, but there he is! And he knows good and well that when his deadline comes, you'll give in again. The only chance to save him now is to do what you know you must do. You KNOW that you are actually helping him to continue in the life that will eventually kill him, and yet you do it anyway. I just can't understand that! YOU are what is standing in the way of him getting the treatment that could save his life. Do you not see that? If he had cancer, would you hide him away at home and prevent him from getting the treatment that would save his life? Same thing! Until you take away all his other options and force him to stand on his own two feet, he will get no better, only worse. Is that what you want? And why do I feel like I'm just wasting my breath ... ?

 

[standswithcourage]

Hey - How do I print that post that Suz sent about the replies to difficult child's.

 

[standswithcourage]

So telling him he is going to have to leave Aug. 13 is selfish? Is that what you mean? I did go to counseling today and I am going back tuesday. So what else should I do? We are sticking by our guns. He called my dad today to see if he could come down there - I told my sister to let it be daddys decision based on what she knew he was doing here - also I gave my son another option of a transitional housing from ex inmates - i probably believe he will turn it down - so oh well he will be on the street i am sure.

 

[Hound dog]

Donna dear...............

If you didn't live in tennessee, I'd swear one of those sons is my husband.



And it's only funny because I put a stop to it.

 

[standswithcourage]

P.S. You are not wasting your breath. I understand completely and do not want to stand in the way - he preys on me with his emotion and I feel like i want to scream - Anyway my husband has the courage and I will be right by his side and when the day comes - he will go - I am sure of it.