OMG, his plan is to return here...

[Tanya M]

Sorry, I know I'm raving-just trying to process as I write.

Silly Blackgnat, you never have to apologize for venting and sharing your feelings, that's what this site is for.
I'm glad you told him no and that he should get to an ER if it was that bad.
Your son sounds so much like mine. It would not surprise me at all if they have crossed paths out in CO.
It's very typical for a Difficult Child to think that "relocating" will somehow magically make things better. We know better but there is no convincing them of that. If he truly wants to get help he will do it right where he's at. He's projecting out in his mind that by moving he will do better.
My son has relocated a few times to different states thinking the same thing that he would suddenly get his life together. Each time he managed to find the same type of people he swore he wanted to get away from.
All you can do is stand your ground. You have made it clear that he is not staying with you.
Remember, all of us here are rallying around you to support you.
You are doing great!!

 

[recoveringenabler]

BG, the shame is his to bear, not yours. He is the one making poor choices, he is the one who painted himself into this corner.

There is no shame nor guilt in setting boundaries around destructive behavior that is hurtful to you. That is self esteem, that is self care, that is appropriate and healthy. This is the person who put you in the hospital. You are making a choice based on past experience. There is nothing for you to feel guilty or ashamed about.

It is sad when our kids act out in this way. But you didn't create this and you can't fix it.

You didn't do anything wrong BG. Do not allow yourself to continue down the road of guilt. As Erma Bombeck said, "guilt is the gift that keeps on giving." Cut it out.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Got to learn more how to let go.

I learned that first by identifying my own emotions as the primary thing I needed to detach from. Not so much to let go of, but to remain present, in my sane mind, with. I had to do that first, before I could speak that word: NO.

That was a thing I could do that made all the difference. I could step back just a hairsbreadth and name a feeling: guilt, horror, intense sorrow. (That was a biggie, to name that part of the emotional mix I was overwhelmed by.) I would keep trying to find the anger for my child that everyone said should be there. I would find frustration, a kind of wild, circling desperateness to find a solution. I have only been able to find anger for my children just lately. I think I felt too responsible for them, not for what they had done but for where they were in their lives, to be angry with them.

Cedar

 

[Iwantpeace]

BG,
I know what you mean when you say it feels good in the bubble but applying it in the real world is when we falter. This is one of those times I hope you can apply what you know and don't beat yourself up with guilt. My heart breaks even hearing how you feel ashamed because you don't want him near you. I so get that! What you, (I) need to remember is we are not having a conversation with the son we love. We are having conversations and dealings with someone in an altered state. We are basically having a conversation with the drug and alcohol. I wish she would get him a ticket somewhere far away from you. Maybe your plan should be to call the cops if he shows up, that's what my plan is. Last time he showed up and he heard me on the phone with 911 he left. Maybe you should warn him that's what will happen. No matter what you do, I hope it helps knowing that we all have circled you with our wagons. Even though we are not there physically, know that each person here whether it be spirit and prayers or positive thinking we are your support also. Mine will be in prayers headed your way everyday.

 

[Iwantpeace]

I learned that first by identifying my own emotions as the primary thing I needed to detach from. Not so much to let go of, but to remain present, in my sane mind, with. I had to do that first, before I could speak that word: NO.

That was a thing I could do that made all the difference. I could step back just a hairsbreadth and name a feeling: guilt, horror, intense sorrow. (That was a biggie, to name that part of the emotional mix I was overwhelmed by.) I would keep trying to find the anger for my child that everyone said should be there. I would find frustration, a kind of wild, circling desperateness to find a solution. I have only been able to find anger for my children just lately. I think I felt too responsible for them, not for what they had done but for where they were in their lives, to be angry with them.

Cedar

Cedar, I keep trying to stay with the anger part too. I Don't remember who posted it maybe you, but anger has helped. I can't keep that feeling all the time but wow, when I sat back and thought I should be angry and not feeling like, "How can he hate me and do this to me", it did help.

 

[Lil]

I feel SOOO guilty.

My son reached out and I didn't help him. I can't imagine how it feels-nobody wants him around and he is so addicted and crazy that he doesn't know what to do next.

I'm his mother and I don't want him near me. Clean and sober? Yes! He is great company and I love being with him. But like this? Not even for a nanosecond.

And I am really ashamed of these feelings.

Blackgnat, I forget the details, but have you not stated in the past that he has physically assaulted you? You have NOTHING to feel guilty about. Not. One. Thing. He has not reached out to you for help to get clean and sober. He could do that where he is. There are programs there. He can get himself in a program, go to AA. What he's asked for was help to come back to your town. If he gets sober on his own and then, maybe, it would be appropriate for him to return to your town. Maybe. But HE has to make that change before it would be even slightly reasonable to want him near.

 

[blackgnat]

Thanks for the empathy, guys, I know that this is the worst burden to bear, the Anti-Mother that we have to become. Some people have such good boundaries to begin with, others develop them and others like me have a couple and they are pretty wobbly.

I got an email this morning from exgf's ma and she said she'd picked him up from detox and he was back to his old self (whatever that means) which seemed to include wanting to take some medications to stop the cravings. He was going to sleep in his dad's bus until Monday, go to Denver and enroll in a program for homeless people (probably Christian based) and stay there until his card is loaded up (the State gives him an allowance every month ) then COME OUT TO ILLINOIS.

He's then going to that horrible mission and stay there until he gets into the better one...IF they will take him. I highly doubt that he will check it out before he comes. Sigh.

So, he's making his way back. He told her that he knew he "wouldn't get any support in Illinois" (cue the Tsunami of Mother Guilt) but he just feels he has to get out of Colorado.

The stupid thing is that I was planning a trip out there next weekend to see my sons and I actually have a job interview on June 10. I wanted to have access to them (limited with Difficult Child, but with Easy Child, I feel I'm missing out on a lot of his life) and I thought I'd dip my toe in the water, with a view to relocating. So now, he'll be here and I'll be there?

Guess that's the way I like it, but the role reversal (geographically speaking) is doing my head in.

I mean, if he remains sober I would be delighted to see him every couple of weeks for lunch or coffee or something-I seem to have lost that initial terror I had , at the idea of him being in my vicinity. But that's probably because I know that right now, he's sober.

Would it be too enabling to tell him to wait until I get out there and if he is still determined to come out to Illinois, I can give him a ride back with me? Or do I need a good shaking to even be considering that?

 

[blackgnat]

Also, do you think that his version of "support" from me ( and how he knows he's not getting any from me)just means I'm not going to house him, feed him, give him money, take him to wherever he wants to go, pick him up from all the chaotic events he's surely going to create?

I really can't /won't duplicate the kind of support that exgf's ma has been giving him...is it a manipulative tactic for her to feel sorry for him?

Or is it some happy-clappy kind of idea-like listening to his plans and trying to establish a healthier relationship with me?

Okay, I already know the answers.

Why does it make me feel sad that he might not contact me? (but also good.God, I'm mixed up) I just want him to be safe. Like, be where you're going to be and do what you're going to do and call me once a month and say, "I'm okay, ma" and don't be drunk or high or try to drag me into your drama or live your life for you.

But he might just cut me off and I will have to accept that, too.

 

[BusynMember]

I think you'll be sorry if you go there. He probably won't appreciate it and could be abusive in the car and being stuck in a car with him for so long can be dangerous. So I vote not to do it.

Remember...give an inch, they take a mile.

 

[blackgnat]

Yes, Lil, in 2010 he attacked me and I was in the ICU for 5 days, with a bleed on the brain-a subarachnoid hemorrhage (I know I've spelled that incorrectly!)

And I STILL allowed him to live with me after his release from jail. And he would STILL get drunk and high and threaten violence after that-but I was never without my phone and keys and if he even got within 5 feet of me, I was ready to and DID call 911.

Can you spell brainwashed?

 

[blackgnat]

SOT you are right and it could be the stuff of nightmares.

I DO want to see my younger son-maybe I should look for a cheap flight and a rental car instead.

 

[JulieAnn]

BG, I keep wondering, what is the ex girlfriend's mother's motives for doing all this? Something that is lacking in her life, making up for something?.....I'm not sure it has anything to do with your son, not really. Or in either of your's best interests. He was in detox for how long? Is that long enough?

They like to talk about the future. I'm going to do this, and then that....I wouldn't really worry about driving him back. That's a long way off if he sticks to his plan - then see.

 

[blackgnat]

And yes, to those of us who don't understand why they are not enraged by our DCs behavior, I'm right there with you! Sometimes I am and I CRY with rage about how that little bastard kept me in a state of absolute TERROR, but it's mostly "Where did I go wrong, what didn't I do?" Ugh its ridiculous.

I was brought up to be strong and stand up for myself, but the way I have acted with this one is a mystery to me. I just lost myself. Lost my steel spine, my spirit, my sense of right and wrong. I just kept getting smaller and smaller while he ran the house...

I can't seem to shut up this morning! Sorry for all the posts! I'm now going outside to sit on my balcony with a cup of tea and my book. Who knows what the day will bring?

Hope it's a good one for us all.

 

[pasajes4]

It is so hard to see our kids live the lives they created through their poor decisions. You are above all else a mother who loves her son's.

Your son has injured you in the past to the point where you could have died. Until he is clean and sober for a reasonable period of time, you need to keep your distance.

 

[blackgnat]

Julie Ann, the exgf's ma and her involvement are a mystery to all of us. Her daughter has a lot of problems similar to my son -it was a match made in Hell. Then again maybe not-they did seem to love each other and at one point were going to get married. No, I have to take that back-NOT GOOD.

Both my son and I have asked her why she keeps helping him - she is very religious and says she feels it's a calling from God. Difficult Child is very charismatic and charming and she says that there is something about him that she feels drawn to. She says she loves him and always wants to be part of his life and is never going to abandon him.

So, I don't really know, because she knows what he is like, or is starting to. All I can say is that she has helped him tremendously-she's aware that there is a lot of enabling going on, but she is very kind and generous to him. I really don't understand it completely. I know I would NOT do the same for her daughter.

 

[Tanya M]

Good Morning BG,
Thanks for the update on what's going on.

So, he's making his way back. He told her that he knew he "wouldn't get any support in Illinois" (cue the Tsunami of Mother Guilt) but he just feels he has to get out of Colorado.

Ok, this is exactly what Difficult Child do, they tell others things like this to get people to feel sorry for them. I know it's easier said than done, but you really have nothing to feel guilty about. His choices have created the chaotic life he is living. He did it to himself. As for him saying "he just needs to get out of CO" I have been there a few times with my son. When they do this they are just running from themselves. They have a fantasy in their mind that if they just go to "town USA" that it will all get better. If they can't deal with their problems where they are nothing will change for them. My son couldn't wait to get out of CO, he has lived in 3 other states and now he's back in CO.

The stupid thing is that I was planning a trip out there next weekend to see my sons and I actually have a job interview on June 10. I wanted to have access to them (limited with Difficult Child, but with Easy Child, I feel I'm missing out on a lot of his life) and I thought I'd dip my toe in the water, with a view to relocating. So now, he'll be here and I'll be there?

This is not a stupid thing. I think it's great that you have a job interview. You have another child there that you want to be close to. These are your choices and need to be based solely on what is good for you. Plan your life for YOU, do what will bring you joy.
So what if your son is here in IL and you are in CO, his choices are not your concern and you do not owe him any kind of explanation as to whether you move to CO or not.

Would it be too enabling to tell him to wait until I get out there and if he is still determined to come out to Illinois, I can give him a ride back with me? Or do I need a good shaking to even be considering that?

Don't walk, RUN away from this thinking as fast as you can. I know he is your son and you love him, that is not lost on me or anyone else here on this site. We get it. We live it. This is the same son that attacked you and put you in the ICU. While what he did is beyond horrific it's something that can be forgiven, however, do not confuse forgiveness with trust. He is not to be trusted!!!!!!
He is a 26 year old man, if he wants to come back to IL that is on him, do not get involved.

BG, focus on YOUR life not his.

One thing that really helped me was to work through the stages of grief. Greif is not just for when someone dies. I mourned the loss of the sweet son I used to have, I mourned the loss of the son I had hoped he would be. There are stages of grief that are filled with emotion. Feel them, own them, let them go.

 

[Tanya M]

"Where did I go wrong, what didn't I do?" Ugh its ridiculous.

Stop, do not pass go, do not collect your "horrible parent award" YOU did nothing wrong. It takes a while for that to sink in but it will.
Remember, we are not the only influences in our children's lives and at some point they start making their own choices.

I can't seem to shut up this morning! Sorry for all the posts!

You have nothing to be sorry about. Post all you want, get your feelings out. I for one am glad that you want to post and get it out. Never feel that you are posting too much or talking too much.

Both my son and I have asked her why she keeps helping him - she is very religious and says she feels it's a calling from God. Difficult Child is very charismatic and charming and she says that there is something about him that she feels drawn to. She says she loves him and always wants to be part of his life and is never going to abandon him.

This may truly be her calling and if it is let it be just that. Her life, her choice.
My son had someone like this woman who tried helping him. She too was drawn to my son who can be very charming when it suits him. I had some dealings with her. She was giving him money and he just kept coming back for more. I told her she needed to close the purse and stop giving him money. She finally learned over time that my son was just using her.
My only suggestion to you is I would limit my contact with this woman. If she truly feels called to help your son then that is on her, do not feel obligated to be drawn into it.

 

[Lil]

Yes, Lil, in 2010 he attacked me and I was in the ICU for 5 days, with a bleed on the brain-a subarachnoid hemorrhage (I know I've spelled that incorrectly!)

Okay...This is all I can say about this. If your sister, friend, or any other woman on this board posted this, and then said "I'm considering giving him a ride back to Illinois, where I LIVE." - What would you tell her? Seriously, what would you think?

Never mind he's your son. He's a MAN. A grown man - and was a grown man then - who nearly KILLED you.

That's all you need to keep in mind to make this decision.

And yes, to those of us who don't understand why they are not enraged by our DCs behavior, I'm right there with you! Sometimes I am and I CRY with rage about how that little bastard kept me in a state of absolute TERROR, but it's mostly "Where did I go wrong, what didn't I do?" Ugh its ridiculous.

It isn't really. It's hard not to look at any of our children and not wonder what's happened. I do it still. And as for keeping you in a state of terror and still putting up with it...well lets face it...no mother wants to admit her son has behaved like a monster. I've certainly wondered what I did. I've wondered how I went wrong. Most of the time I realize that it wasn't me. But it really is kind of always there...this little voice in the back of my mind...wondering if I could have changed the outcome if I'd done this or that differently.

But you know what? There are lots of people out there who truly were terrible parents. There are people on this very board who's parents treated them terribly. They did not turn to drugs and alcohol. They didn't steal or assault people.

You have two sons. I doubt you treated them differently. I doubt you abused your D.C. and lavished praise on the E.C. Therefore, logically, you are NOT at fault. Hold on to that with both hands. It is not your fault.

I can't seem to shut up this morning! Sorry for all the posts! I'm now going outside to sit on my balcony with a cup of tea and my book. Who knows what the day will bring?

Hope it's a good one for us all.

Don't you even think of shutting up. We're here when we need you.

I hope you have a quiet and calm day.

 

[Jabberwockey]

Don't walk, RUN away from this thinking as fast as you can. I know he is your son and you love him, that is not lost on me or anyone else here on this site. We get it. We live it. This is the same son that attacked you and put you in the ICU. While what he did is beyond horrific it's something that can be forgiven, however, do not confuse forgiveness with trust. He is not to be trusted!!!!!!

This doesnt deserve a simple agree. Even though this man is your son, HE ALMOST KILLED YOU! Love him but until he has EARNED it do not make the mistake of trusting him.

As far as the whole where did I go wrong, what else could I have done, what could I have done differently questions? I know its not easy but forget them. Even if you made mistakes, forget them! We are human beings, we are not perfect, we make mistakes. I've worked for almost 24 years in Corrections. My first 14 years were as an Officer in a maximum security prison. After that, 5 and a half years in Probation and Parole working electronic monitoring supervision and since then I have been a Case Manager at a minimum level prison. I say this because I have learned a lot over the years about, for a lack of a better way to put it, alternative thinking. I spent YEARS trying to figure out the criminal mind set and the one thing I've learned is dont bother. You cant understand someone with that mind set, especially when they dont understand themselves. I've spoken to several inmates over the years, especially after we started having issues with our son. They have pretty much all said that what their parents did or didnt do for them had NO effect on the course of their lives after early to mid teens. At that point, either they had made the decision what they were going to do, or they were so far into addiction that it wasnt them in control any more.

Let it go. Let him be a grown man and live his life as he chooses. Dont enable him, because until he kicks this addiction you wont be able to help him. Love him but dont trust him until he has earned that trust. And lets be honest, trust is the easiest thing to destroy and the hardest thing to build. Be cautious, loving, and most of all, not too trusting!

 

[Lil]

We're here when we need you.

Uh...obviously, I meant when you need us! (But I'm quite sure we need you too.)