OMG, his plan is to return here...

[Scent of Cedar *]

I like what Witzend said, but I think every decent thing we do when our DCs are involved backfires into something unforeseeable.

I would not play the recording for the exgf's mother. I would say something to the effect that you have received a voicemail from Difficult Child and that his behaviors seem to be escalating, and that you would like her to take extra care around him.

I agree so wholeheartedly with Wit's posting that having received the voicemail unaware and unprepared was a remarkable gift. This is probably the underlying current of every conversation, of every interaction you have with this child, blackgnat.

Engaging in conversation with him submerses you in toxicity, and that weakens and confuses you, as your mother heart tries to find some explanation and your brain screams "Hang up". And that is why he does it. If you do speak to him in a way in which you can hear his voice again, listen for those same tones, for that underlying toxicity. If you can do that, I think it will help you stay centered. There will be a part of you with an assignment, and later, once the conversation is over, you will be able to rehear it from that centered place. You will not be hypnotized by him, by the danger in him and the helplessness of knowing you are his mother and you love him and cannot face what seems to be happening and freeze, instead.

I really like what Witz posted about clarity.

That is the hardest thing for us. To find clarity.

"You are a THING to him. He doesn't even hate you. He just thinks that you are THING that is there to meet his needs Don't forget this. He cannot be fixed, as sad as this is, he sees you as a commodity".

I'm sorry blackgnat, but I think your therapist is correct.

I am glad you have her to support you through this.

I am scared for you, blackgnat. You are a brave woman.

Cedar

 

[witzend]

I agree with SOC - you could play it for her (if you think she's able to understand) or more likely you could just explain that there were voicemails that led you to believe that there's background that she might not know about and you're uncomfortable with helping him return to your area at this time.

 

[Iwantpeace]

Black gnat,
So funny you mentioned how you would like a convention or something so we could meet. I have been thinking the same thing. It would be really nice to be able to put faces to names and the stories. I would love that!!!

 

[BusynMember]

We've had them!! I never went though.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

We last heard from blackgnat Wednesday evening.

Have I missed her on other threads, or has she not been posting?

Is she alright, does any of us know?

Cedar

 

[JulieAnn]

It looks like her last post was Thursday evening. I hope everything is ok.

 

[Iwantpeace]

We've had them!! I never went though.

SWOT',
That's interesting. When and where did you have one?

 

[BusynMember]

They have been all over, even in Chicago, which is close to me. I couldn't go. Forgot why. The others, well, both I am very shy and also it was too expensive. They used to have a get together every other year so some of the members who used to post here a lot, and some who still do, know one another and even keep in touch.

I am not sure I'd go. It would have to be awfully close. And somebody would have to be willing to make the arrangements. I am not sure this particular group would want to actually meet one another in person, but the last group did.

 

[blackgnat]

Hi guys, thanks for the concerns-I stayed away from the board for a couple of days, because sometimes I realize I am just processing and there's not much anyone can say that hasn't ben said before about my situation, so I don't want people to have to keep giving the same advice (all of it great and enormously comforting and helpful) and wondering why the hell I'm not getting it into my skull.

I'm not even sure where I left off-he went back to jail for 10 days and will be getting out on Thursday. I was getting a lot of calls from jail but I didn't feel like talking to him, especially after the vile voicemail.

I eventually caved and put $5 on the account and we spoke on Friday. As always, he was extremely contrite and gave me the music to my ears talk-mom, I'm really going to go straight, this is enough-there's a rehab near here and I want to go to it and get sorted. He wants to get a Vivitrol shot, which reduces cravings for alcohol and I think it's a monthly thing. He even talked about going to school and eventually getting a qualification to be a drug and alcohol counselor.

I did write the transcript of the vile voicemail, obscenities and all and sent it to my ex and to the exgf's ma. She expressed her sadness at me having to hear such things and that she would still do all she could to help him-she wondered if my therapist thought he was just abusive when he was drunk, as she says he has never been anything but polite and respectful to her when sober. She told him about the horrible phone call and said that he had tears in his eyes when he heard how horrible he had been. Hmm. Me , too....

The rehab he wants to go to does not take Medicaid (Exgf's ma does all the research-she really is amazing in the efforts she puts into finding places for him to go) and she found an article which I will link, about a place that seems pretty good out there in CO. But it looks like it might be his only chance out there and he is still considering the Mission where he was successful, here in Illinois. But I don't think he has made any practical enquiries as to whether they are able to take him in, so it could be all BS.

I think he starting to be extremely fearful that the few people who are taking an interest in his life and future and slowly backing off, which is why he's talking the talk.

As always, Time will tell.

Will keep you posted and am sending cyber hugs to all of you who are fighting this stinking war...

 

[blackgnat]

http://wapo.st/1pFQA9p

This is the link to the very interesting and informative article about the homeless, mentally ill, addicts in CO mostly concentrated in the population from Denver.

This sounds like it'd be perfect for my son.

Fingers will be crossed, prayers will be said. Hope it helps others in the same position.

 

[Jabberwockey]

I think he starting to be extremely fearful that the few people who are taking an interest in his life and future and slowly backing off, which is why he's talking the talk.

But until he walks the walk, you are wasting your time. Our son talks a good game as well but if you compare it to past actions, well not so much.

 

[JulieAnn]

I stayed away from the board for a couple of days, because sometimes I realize I am just processing

I think that's a good thing. You're a very smart lady.
I go through everyday with fingers crossed too.

 

[BusynMember]

But until he walks the walk, you are wasting your time. Our son talks a good game as well but if you compare it to past actions, well not so much.

Tha''s how I think. One of my boring cliches is "Actions speak louder than words." Don't get excited and tell me, so that maybe I'll throw you some money or maybe, for the moment, you and he will actually believe it. DO IT and stay there and work the program. Then prove you can stay clean on the outside, get a job, grow up, etc.

Honestly my daughter had to be clean over a year before I truly believed it might happen and be a forever lifestyle change. I'm very cynical in general (or, as I like to think of it, realistic). Show me. Prove it for an extended period of time. If you don't, I'm not going to throw a party. But that's me...
Lots of luck!!!!

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

back to jail for 10 days and will be getting out on Thursday. I was getting a lot of calls from jail but I didn't feel like talking to him, especially after the vile voicemail.

Oh, here you are, blackgnat.

:O)

It sounds like you have been doing extraordinarily well in dealing with your son's issues. I hope this is the change we have been waiting for. But I join the others in cautioning you to take a wait and see attitude blackgnat. I hope with all my heart that he does not come back to your state.

Very happy to hear from you, and to know how you are.

Cedar

 

[JulieAnn]

Hi BG.

Have you noticed the difference in your posts from May 21st until now?
I don't know about you, but I see so much more strength and conviction in your recent posts. If this is what we have to do to save them, then we can give it this shot. It's easier to give in and enable them then what we are having to do.

I now think that it's their only chance.

We are so lucky to have found this forum.