OMG, his plan is to return here...

[blackgnat]

My ex just returned from a walk and there were FOUR police cars surrounding the bus and one policeman walking around it...

I'm just wondering when it's all going to end. Just feel so damned sad again today. Mostly because of our conversation yesterday-would it be SO hard for him to come back here and live at one of the missions?

It's okay, I know the answer. The rot set in a long time ago. He has the same services in CO that he'd get in IL. You are all correct-he doesn't want to.

Another text from the ex-he's been arrested. Apparently he was out in the apartment complex parking lot, shouting and yelling and the neighbours called the coppers. I mean it's just beyond ridiculous. He's in jail every few days. Maybe they will really do something about him this time-or rather he will see the sense in accepting any help he is offered.

I do know that this kind of behavior is a tactic for him. When I used to take him to the psychiatric hospital we would have to wait in the lobby for ages-(with other members of the public-the humiliation was immense) he used to start screaming obscenities and he told me (in the midst of his being high/drunk) in a chilling moment of clarity "If I make a lot of noise, I'll get seen to quicker". One time they had to call a code Yellow ( he was screaming and shouting at me, "What are YOU looking at, you effing c**t) and five cops rushed in I had to go into a locked room so he couldn't hurt me.

Another time when he was being admitted and the nurse was asking all her questions, she said, "I'll be back in a minute",and he asked her,"Are there cameras or microphones in these rooms?" She said no. When she left, he said to me, again, cold as ice, "When we get home I'm going to cut your head off." I immediately got up and left the room and there was NOBODY in the hallway. I thought well this is it. Thank God another nurse appeared and they took me to safe place.

Not really sure why I'm going off on this tangent. Maybe it's just stuff that I need to reread when I'm feeling benevolent towards him...

 

[Copabanana]

"What are YOU looking at, you effing c**t)

"When we get home I'm going to cut your head off."

Blackgnat, this is abuse to even think these thoughts, over and over again.

You were traumatized. This is a symptom of PTSD.

But the real danger continues. You have recognized that your son is dangerous to you. Do whatever it takes to keep yourself safe. This is no longer a question of parenting. This is a question of continuing to live or not.

You have been a victim of crime. You qualify for benefits called Victim Witness, that pay for psychotherapy with competent psychologists. You can access these benefits by going to the District Attorney's office where you live.

Seek out a women's refuge or a domestic violence support group. They will help you think through what to do.

Please think about going to an Alanon Meeting ASAP, tomorrow if you can.

Your son, your abuser, continues to abuse you internalized in your mind.

There may have been others before him that abused you, perhaps long ago. You may have come to believe you deserve this. You don't.

You are not alone. Many have been in your place. That is how we recognize it.

For right now know this: It was not your fault.

Let me repeat this: It was not your fault. It is not your fault.

Have some tea. Go to bed. Put on some music. Be kind to yourself.

Think of a beautiful image in the natural world: The sea, beach, forest, mountains. A field of flowers. You pick. And go there. Your place.

Tomorrow you can look on the computer and find an image or two that captures this bliss. Carry it with you. Put it by your bed.

Every time your mind returns where you do not need to go, to intrusive, disturbing thoughts return to your special place in your mind. That is your refuge.

Most of all, take steps to protect yourself.

Write back and let us know how you are and what you are doing.

I want to know how you are doing.

Hugs.

 

[BusynMember]

I would be afraid to spend five minutes alone with him. I wonder if he is a sociopath? He is deliberately doing these things and making these threats and he DID hurt you.

You know, if this were anybody but a child, you would be gone, even if he were a different family member. I get how hard it must be to disconnect with a child we raised. But he isn't the child we raised or that YOU raised. He is the man he chose to become and he is not afraid of the police so who WILL scare him into behaving in a socially acceptable and non-violent way?

Print off your post and hang it on the refrigerator so that you STAY SAFE and never feel the desire to be alone with him. On th e Difficult Child scale, I feel he is at the extreme end...meaning dangerous and completely without a conscience. There is nothing you can do for him and he may hurt you without any reason, just because he holds some grudge from years ago. It is one thing for our Difficult Child to self-destruct. That is bad, but can warrant sympathy at times. This young man is a danger to others. The drugs don't help, but it does not sound like it is just the drugs.He will cut your head off when you get home? Really?

He can't be in your home or in your car or out on the streets with you alone. You need to be in a public place with tons of people if you see him, like a busy coffee shop. He is very sick, but not the kind of sick you can cure.

This is bonechilling. You need to protect yourself, live your dreams that are NOT related to THIS young man, and detach like there's no tomorrow. Rejoice when you see your other child and your friends and other loved ones who are able to appreciate your kindness and good heart and whom you are not afraid to be alone with. Celebrate the good in your life, and remember that you matter. Safety, safety, safety.

I'm sorry for your hurting heart. There are no really good things to say that can make it better other than to love yourself and those who really CAN love you back.

 

[Jabberwockey]

Not really sure why I'm going off on this tangent. Maybe it's just stuff that I need to reread when I'm feeling benevolent towards him...

Thats a good idea, because after reading this post all I can say is that there is no reason whatsoever for you to let him back in your life.

 

[pasajes4]

If he moves back to your town, RUN.

 

[blackgnat]

I have never experienced abuse as a child, but my brother was a paranoid schizophrenic and so my formative years were spent dealing with that horror story.

It's probably why I act and think as I do nowadays in my dealing with Difficult Child.

I hope you don't think I'm wallowing-I was bringing up those other incidents just in a stream of consciousness way, but I didn't mean to alarm or offend anyone.

I am actually a pretty strong, resilient and happy person in my every day life. I'm in therapy and I have a lot of good, loving and supportive friends. I related these ugly incidents because this is my safe haven, but maybe recounting those abuses wasn't necessary or was perhaps counter-productive.

 

[Tanya M]

Oh BG, your recent post just confirms that you are not safe around you son. To ask if there are camera's and when he finds out there are not to say he would cut your head off is so calculating.

If it were me I really think I would have to go no contact. No phone calls, no texting, nothing. I would not let him know where I would be living.

Your physical and mental safety need to come first above all else.

I am curious about your other son. Does he ever have contact with Difficult Child? What does he think of how Difficult Child is living?
The reason I ask is because if they do have some kind of relationship you would need to make it clear to your Easy Child that he is not to let Difficult Child know where you are.

Most of all, do not think these thoughts.

Think of a beautiful image in the natural world: The sea, beach, forest, mountains. A field of flowers. You pick. And go there. Your place.

I like Copa's advice, try and replace these ugly images with something beautiful.
I think it's important to never forget what your son has done, but please do not dwell on it.

Stay close and keep posting all you want. We are here for you and want to know how you are doing.

 

[Jabberwockey]

I hope you don't think I'm wallowing-I was bringing up those other incidents just in a stream of consciousness way, but I didn't mean to alarm or offend anyone.

Thats good! KEEP that stream of consciousness going because it will keep you alive and uninjured! For all the problems we have had with our Difficult Child, they are NOTHING compared to just the few incidents that you have described. They say that nothing is unforgivable but your son appears to be trying for that dubious honor.

 

[Tanya M]

I am actually a pretty strong, resilient and happy person in my every day life. I'm in therapy and I have a lot of good, loving and supportive friends. I related these ugly incidents because this is my safe haven, but maybe recounting those abuses wasn't necessary or was perhaps counter-productive.

I'm glad you shared them with us and that you have clarified that you have a good grip on all of it. We are all just very concerned about you. Never feel like you can't share something here.

 

[Lil]

One time they had to call a code Yellow ( he was screaming and shouting at me, "What are YOU looking at, you effing c**t) and five cops rushed in I had to go into a locked room so he couldn't hurt me.

When she left, he said to me, again, cold as ice, "When we get home I'm going to cut your head off." I immediately got up and left the room and there was NOBODY in the hallway. I thought well this is it. Thank God another nurse appeared and they took me to safe place.

I hope you don't think I'm wallowing-I was bringing up those other incidents just in a stream of consciousness way, but I didn't mean to alarm or offend anyone.

Blackgnat, read the first two quotes. Then read the third.

Did you actually just apologize to us for telling us about your life being threatened? My goodness woman! STAY AWAY FROM HIM!

I know he is your son. I know it is difficult to wrap your brain around it, but you MUST stay away from him. What has he EVER done to make you think you can trust him. Would you let ANY other person who had said and done those things around you again? Please, whatever you do, do NOT allow him to be alone with you.

Do not stop posting because you think we are offended or alarmed. Of COURSE we are alarmed. We hear about stuff our kids have done every day and it actually takes a lot to alarm us I think. So understand that this is so far beyond the "norm" for our difficult child kids that we are alarmed for a reason!

 

[witzend]

"Well, it's a Christian place-isn't that what they're all about?"

Pardon my snicker...

 

[Childofmine]

BG, please heed the recommendations here. Could it be that you are numbed to it all? Somehow it's "normal" to you, and you start romanticizing that "this time" it will be different after you don't see him for a while?

That would be very normal to do.

The fact that he again has been arrested for unacceptable behavior is your signal I believe. He's not anywhere near ready.

And until he is ready to be ready, please don't even think about a relationship with him, of spending time with him, of anything. What would be the point, really? I know just seeing him is balm for our mommy hearts, but at what cost?

You will know when it's safe to see him again.

Please, please, please---it's all about you now. I hear you, that you have a good life, when you can detach from him. Keep on detaching. Keep on working for that. You are worth it.

I'm just sorry your son isn't ready for a relationship with you. Please keep your distance and take care of YOU.

Warm hugs BG.

 

[blackgnat]

Those incidents happened many years ago and when he said those things he was drunk. He has NEVER been violent when he is not drunk.

Please understand that I'm not excusing that behavior in ANY WAY. Alcohol turns him into Satan and unfortunately that is what he can longer seem to stay away from.

But I have to wonder if the psychotic part of him will take over one day. I am always the outlet for his rage.

 

[blackgnat]

And I think I am minimizing because again, chaos was normal growing up and that was the way I think I was brought up to deal with it. When home is not happy and is scary (with brother AND son-Geez, what the HELL did I do in my past life?) you have to tamp things down or just carry on with daily life as if this stuff isn't happening.

If that makes sense.

 

[pasajes4]

None of us want to admit that our children are as bad as they really are. It goes against the grain of being a mother. In order to move forward we have to see them for what they are... not what they were. His HATE is aimed at you. A therapist once told me that when a man refers to a female as a C- - - t to run to the nearest exit. Using that particular word is a huge red flag that the person is capable of doing immense physical damage.

Please do not minimize his potential for violence. He has shown you who he is. It is not just when he is drunk. That is his crutch.

Our concern is not for your son. It is for you. We care about you and your safety.

 

[Iwantpeace]

Dear Bg,
This is so much more than anyone should have to deal with. Earlier today I read tishthedish said on another post, "in this matter tell your heart that your gut and your brain get to decide the right course". I want to remember that one. You also said that mental illness ran in your family with your brother. We have a lot in common BG, my son has said things to me that no one let alone a mother should ever have to hear come from her sons mouth or any human beings mouth. Mine said to me once when he was angry at me, "well, I could slit your throat," twice he has said it. Another occasion when he was at my home and under the influence and angry said I'm just going to get my knife and kill you, this was after throwing a cup of water on me as I was leaving for work at 4 in the morning. He has said on more than one occasion when I told him he needed to move out it would be a shame if my house was to burn down in my sleep. I say this to let you know that I understand what it is to still love someone who has scared you so badly. The thing is my son only shows that side to very few people. All his anger is towards me and his ex. He manages to hide it pretty well. Of course now I know everyone he knows thinks I was a terrible mother and abuser because he has lied about me to everyone. I understand why you want to leave town. I love what Copa said to do about finding a peaceful image to keep in your head. That really spoke to me because at night I will try to come up with a thought of a safe memory anything to give me peace and I can't ever come up with one, so I will take that advice and use it at a tool. What I have had to do is go NO CONTACT at all for now. I know how hard it is because there is shame in admitting that your own son could say these things. I have always felt that he just says because he has anger issues but in the back of my mind, I think what if? So at night when I hear sounds I get very nervous. This might not be the politically correct thing to say but what will get me through is God. He is my rock and my refuge. I believe he lead me here to this awesome group of people. I always feel stronger and more hopeful after I have been on the site. Sorry this was so long! IWP

 

[Lil]

Those incidents happened many years ago and when he said those things he was drunk. He has NEVER been violent when he is not drunk.

Okay then. The question is: When is he not drunk? When is he not under the influence? Do you think he'll just come here and be sober?

I know what I've said sounds harsh. But you must think of your own safely first and foremost. HE is not in any more danger in Colorado than he would be in Illinois. YOU however, are in more danger if you are somewhere he can get to you when he's drunk and angry and looking for a scapegoat for all that's wrong in his life.

Please, try to think about your own safely first and foremost.

 

[blackgnat]

Thanks to all who replied and again, everything is absorbed!

My Easy Child is not in any danger from my Difficult Child. Difficult Child loves and admires Easy Child and wants his approval. He's also scared of him, as Easy Child eats healthy, works out and has bulked up over the past few years. He could kick Difficult Child's arse and he knows it. Easy Child also has iron clad boundaries. He lives with his dad, so when Difficult Child has come around, Easy Child is always given an equal role and a say as to whether Difficult Child can come through the door, stay the night or even just for 10 minutes. My ex is very aware that Easy Child had to go to hell and back growing up and is very protective and respectful of Easy Child's input.

When I was on vacationing out of the country one time, the boys were arguing and Difficult Child was pushing ECs buttons and provoking him. Easy Child punched Difficult Child in the face (first time that had EVER happened) and then said to him,"Now you know how Mom felt". This was after the ICU incident. Difficult Child never tried to get physical with him after that...

The two boys ebbed and flowed in their friendships and closeness while they were growing up. They didn't really have a lot of shared interests, but they did have times when they enjoyed being around each other. I know when DCs friends came around, Easy Child usually was included in their group.

Apparently one day, DCs friends must all have been doing some drug taking, and Easy Child looked at them all and especially at his older brother and thought , "I don't want to be like him". From that moment on, he began to lead a healthy lifestyle and change his life around. Very proud of him for having and displaying that strength of character!

 

[Albatross]

Such excellent posts and advice here, and I wanted to tell Cedar once again how much I admire her strength of spirit and generous heart. Cedar, I have never seen your story laid out all in one spot before. You have been through so very much, and your response to it all has been to become MORE loving, rather than shutting people out. I think that really is quite extraordinary and wonderful.

But of more immediate importance is adding my plea to Blackgnat regarding safety. Blackgnat, we are all involved in give-and-take with our DCs. We give more than we know we should, then we have to try to establish new boundaries or reclaim old ones.

I don't think that is anything like your situation, Blackgnat. I think any give on your part might be a huge mistake, maybe even an irrevocable mistake. Please, please make sure you are absolutely insulated and protected from your son. I agree with the others who suggest no contact, and I think it is an excellent time for a relocation for many reasons. Go start that new life you've been dreaming of.

 

[blackgnat]

No, Lil, not harsh at all. It seems by all accounts that he is drunk all the time (makes me sad) and therefore I am not going to put myself in the positions where I could be in any danger.

Why I even considered for a nanosecond that I could drive him back here is a mystery to me. I remember when I first brought him out to Colorado that he would not be getting in the car with me at all if he even had one drop of alcohol or drugs in his system. The only way I would take him there (and he really wanted to go)was if he underwent a medically supervised detox at our local hospital. That is what happened.

But now I would never trust him, even if I saw it with my own eyes. Too much jail times, instability, lack of psychiatric medications, availability of drugs for me to ever know what was going on in his mind.

That was why I was so panicked at the thought of his return to IL. He would probably kill me if he had a mind to. Thank God we never had access to guns in our house or I would surely be dead now.