Parenting skills

[flutterbee]

And then there's this article which blames both baby's temperament and parenting so as to not really be able to say what the cause is, in my opinion. I really can't see how this was even worth printing.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25517847/

And then you have to consider things, such as mothers of the '40's were encouraged to not hold their babies too much as to not 'spoil' them. Any studies on what that did?

 

[timer lady]

Reading all of these responses (I don't believe I've missed any) makes me pause. As another said, we are very fragile & sore at being "accused of having a bad/inappropriate" parenting style" for our difficult children.

It's devastating to have a professional drop this on you - especially in the midst of a meltdown in his office that even he cannot stop. You walk out of there, carrying a child - kicking & screaming - while you rack your brain on what you did wrong.

Saying that, I truly believe, as with any other relationship - it's a give to get type of situation. As adults in the beginning we give a great deal more; love, attention, teaching skills, manners, proper responses. As our difficult children grow we learned & are still learning their abilities & their deficits. In the process I learned, as well, the illnesses & disorders that got in the way of a healthy life - those same illnesses & disorders had me changing once more what I thought was a perfectly acceptable style. And it was - just not for the tweedles

I learned early on as well, that many of my reactions, i.e. consequences, hugs, I love you's, were not tolerated by my tweedles. Not because it was a consequence or nururing but because they hadn't been given any consequences, nurturing & we had to start over from day one.

I'd have to say that my parenting has been hit & miss throughout the years yet I feel I have a good handle on master wm & ms. kt. What I would do yesterday for a situation may be different today just because it's a different day & ms. kt is in a different place emotionally.

I see parenting as part of the ebb & flow of life. Some days it's intense & you take it to the line; other days it's relaxed & peaceful. You talk, laugh & play with your children on those days. Ever evolving as our difficult children evolve.

 

[Marguerite]

Sara, you said, "I stongly believe that the medical profession should start differentiating NOW between neurobiological behavioral disorders and psychological behavioral disorders. I think it does no one any good by lumping them together."

I hear your frustration, and from things you've explained I understand why this would have made things so much better for you and your family.

The trouble is, sometimes the medical profession and other professions just can't agree because some conditions seem to be a mixture of both. With my own health problems and my involvement in health-related consumer action groups as well as liaison with various medical teams, the message I was getting, in terms of where medicine was headed as a field, was AWAY from separating medical conditions into purely psychological/psychiatric, and purely physiological, and TOWARDS a view that ALL aspects of a patient's care, especially long-term care, should be undertaken or at least supervised with a multidisciplinary approach. A lot of consumer groups were upset by this, especially consumer groups where the specific medical condition was still the subject of a lot of scepticism and debate; few people wanted to let go of any semblance of acceptance by the medical fraternity. A lot of people equate a psychiatric component to a condition as loss of credibility, and fight any doctors who try to insist on a patient getting any psychological/psychiatric support or even assessment. I've seen some very heated debates on this topic.

Another problem we have here in Australia is that even the same departments can classify the same condition with different labels.
For example, when our ADHD or Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids are in our school system, the Dept of Ed classifies their medical condition under "psychiatric". "Neurological disability support" helps kids with spinal problems, hydrocephalus, brain injury, that sort of thing. But once our kids graduate out of school and enter university or TAFE (College of Technical and Further Education) the ADHD and Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids are allocated support via the neurological disabilities umbrella. There still is a psychiatric disabilities support unit, but they do not deal with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) or ADHD.

So if the education mob in one state of one country swing this way and then that, I think we've got Buckley's Chance of getting ANY consensus worldwide as to whether various conditions belong under this umbrella, or that.
And we'll have even more trouble, with so many medical teams increasingly insisting that the holistic approach has to be used - the patient's physical, psychological and emotional wellbeing must all be considered equally, regardless of the diagnosis.

Marg

 

[busywend]

No way did I ever imagine I would be parenting the way I am today.

I have had to change so much about the way I parent. Even today when outsiders tell me what they would do, I respond telling them I would to....with their child - but not with mine. That response or way of parenting will not work with mine.

I look at it this way. I know in my heart I have done everything possible to help my child be the best she can be. There very well may be a mom out there that can parent my child better. I doubt it, but it is possible.

I do my best with what I know at this time. In 10 years I may know more and maybe I will think I would have changed some things if I could do it all over again. Meantime, I just know in my heart I am doing my best. I know I will have no regrets.

 

[Shari]

I want nothing more than for someone to tell me "you are causing this, and this is what you are doing that causes this, and this is how you need to do it".
***
Then I could fix it.
***
While I know I am not a perfect parent (or anything else), I also, logically, know that the issues with my son are not all my fault. But getting my heart to beleive it, some days, is another story. I think to myself "surely, just surely, somehow, something I am doing is causing this". Today is one of those days, and I just want to crawl in a hole and cry because I am so inadequate as a parent. I can't even get my 6 year old to go to school every day, like he's done for 3 years, without screaming and crying like he's about to be murdered. One "expert" says bust his butt and make him go, one says take him home, one says stay and work him thru it, one says have him restrained while I leave...that in itself tells me there's no "right" answer. But it never makes me feel adequate as a parent, tho I keep digging, looking, and trying.
***
I spend a lot of time thinking, too...difficult child is better than he was - in a relative sense. And I spend a lot of time wondering how our history of interactions affects him going forward. Sometimes I wonder if someone else that he doesn't have "history" with might be able to do a better job...
***
I also have the benefit of family history of the same behavior. My difficult children are carbon copies of their bio dad (difficult child 2 more so than 1, but the root behaviors are the same). Bio dad was raised by a stay at home mom mom who quit her job the day they got him. His family revolved around him. Never was there a more "wanted" baby. (His parents later had 2 biological children, neither of which behave anything like bio dad).
***
difficult child 1 was an accident, between bio dad and a teen mother on bio dad's last night before boot camp.who was also a high school dropout, an alcoholic, into drugs and prostitution. His first 3 years were rough. For years, we actually blamed his behavior on his early years - later, we decided there was more to it than just that. Mood stabilizers helped him, so I beleive he is not just a product of her parenting of him in those early years. People (including difficult child) attribute his "success" so far to me, too, and I also know that I did not do that. Honestly, I lucked out. There were things I did to help avert more serious problems, but honestly, the cards fell in the right spot with him - he could have just as easily have been in the juvy system, or worse, very early on. That was largely luck of the draw. I cringe thining back at some of the parenting techniques we tried with him, not knowing, at the time, that there was more going on than just stubborn defiance.
***
difficult child 2 brought me to my knees for the first time when he was 9 months old. It took me another 18 months to fully grasp what was going on, but he wasn't "typical". In fact, I'm pretty sure I have no clue what "typical" even is anymore. I think if I was handed a neuro-typical infant right now, I would be so far away from dealing with them in a "normal" fashion that I would manage to screw them up, and that one *would* be my fault.
***
That said, I have never felt attacked here. I often have to explain myself further, but that's par for the course. I have gotten as much or more help with the difficult children from the experience of other parents, and a lot of it has come from here. Its also a place that I come for support. Where I am "normal", where people understand the feeling of success when you actually go to the grocery store and your kid doesn't lick all the canned goods, and why that is such a huge step. "Normal" parents don't understand that. I value everyone's input here, because regardless of any of the rest of their situations, if someone isn't truly looking for help, they wouldn't be sticking around here. Or that's my feeling, anyway.
***
I've been away this weekend, so I don't know where this stems from, but there's my 2cents. If someone could tell me how to do this and make it work, I'd be on it in a hearbeat. So far, that hasn't happened. But I still look to me, first, to change what I can.

 

[DammitJanet]

Someone a few posts up...I think it was Witz...said that we can only take so much blame or reward (something to that effect..my wording is off) with regards to our kids.

I couldnt agree more.

I have people tell me all the time about how proud we must be of Jamie and what a fine job we did with him...blah blah blah. If anyone has ever noticed even here, I will say something to the effect of how we tried our best for the first 18 years but then I give a whole heck of a lot of credit to the Marines for really turning him into a good man. Now do I think he would have turned out just fine without them? Yeah. But they also gave him one heck of a leg up. They finished the job we started and I think they probably did a really good job on things we didnt have a clue on how to do. I just hope they dont now hurt him too...sigh.

When I say that I probably play some part in Corys problems its because of the personality disorder. I didnt do it intentionally but with my upbringing I know I brought that into the mix and I think he had the genetic wiring to take my mess ups and have it mess him up more than the others did. Make sense?

 

[janebrain]

I used to remind myself that if I was going to take the blame for my kids' problems then I also had better take credit for their good qualities. Or, alternatively, I could take neither blame or credit, they are who they are.
Jane