My husband and I are desperate to find a place of support. Since we adopted our son 16 years ago, we have struggled with him in many ways. His birth parents were both abusive and had addiction issues. Mom had no prenatal care and took cocaine to get through delivering our son. Once born, he was taken from her and in and out of friends homes or foster care until just before age 2 when he came to us.
As educators, we recognized lots of issues: developmental, emotional, sensory stem issues, etc. He had no boundaries and was wild. We worried we were can capable as older adults to handle him but we found a group a professionals to help with all his issues and by age 3, no one could even tell he experienced such hell.
He did have anxiety, ADD, sleep issues, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)). We managed just fine until 6th grade. Video games consumed him. Getting him to stop playing was like fighting a war. We ended up having to destroy several gaming systems and he hated us for doing it. However, they consumed him. Without games, he then was introduced to porn from a minister's child and then that became all consuming. When we discovered that issue (he was looking it up on his Daddy's phone and on the home computer), we were so disgusted - XXX PORN- we spanked him and put parental controls on everything at home. During COVID, he just became unbearable. When school started back, we had given him a cellphone because of soccer and he started on SNAPCHAT AND TIKTOK. He was addicted within 2 days. Within 6 months any time we took the phone, he fought us, threatened us, hit us, and we fought back to protect ourselves. We contacted the police 15 times and they did nothing. At this point, he felt he could do anything to us without consequences. Finally, when he busted in our French doors and dared me to call police and choked me, we called the Police. We filed charges and he went to a psychiatric unit and then a behavioral hospital. He begged us to come get him but we couldn't. When his stay was over, we picked him up and I. The highway home he asked for his phone. When we said no, he grabbed the wheel and tried to crash the car. We called police again and they did nothing. Within 3 months, he had assaulted us again and was in Department of Juvenile Justice. He was on probation for 9 months and could have no phone. He bought one and we found it and he violated probation and it was increased and extended. Luckily he had a better probation officer and he completed his probation that same year. However, once he finished probation, he got his phone back.
Although the physical violence stopped, the bad behavior hasn't. He started having sex- at 15 both at our house and in a movie theatre. He would start a job and quit within 2 months. When he didn't get his way, he would refuse to go to school or work. He didn't do his school work, lied constantly, and we lived on guard.
At this point, my husband and I made a promise: if we can get him to 18 alive, without an STD, no other issues with the law, and can get him to graduate high school, we will pay for his juvenile record to be expunged. If he turns his life around, we will pay for college.
We had better periods of time. But, when he didn't get his way, there were threats of not going to school, not doing work, running away, etc. He totaled 2 cars in 11 months during his Junior year and girls h was seeing tried to get me fired (I teach at his school) twice.
We yelled everyday. We tried contracts, therapy, reward system, etc. NOTHING WORKED! He got involved in a mission group at church and we saw some positive changes. Then when Senior year started, he made all A's and we only had sporadic issues. When he totaled his 2nd car, we had to take him everywhere. He had and quit 3 jobs. He apparently started vaping, smoking pot, drinking, and sleeping around again.
We just laid down the law and said- once you turn 18, you can either move out, get kicked out or do what is necessary and graduate and we will get you another car.
Again we had minor issues here and there but he went to school, passed classes and was great. Turned 18 and it went to Hell.
This is where we are now. He graduated, we completed the expungement process, and he was18 and we thought going to college. What a joke. Everything was fine with him and he got his new car and went to the beach for a week with his friend.
When they got back from the beach, he just refused to keep his phone charged, wouldn't answer our texts and calls, snuck out with his college roommate who was staying with us, stole beer and liquor and brought it back to our house and got drunk. Then we found out he was sleeping around with 2-3 different girls and started sports betting and had lost $2000.
We told him before he graduated that to live with us and for us to pay for college he had to follow house rules or he would have 30 days to get out.
Last Thursday he just basically said "I'm 18 and you can tell me what to do. It's my life and I'm going to do what I want."
So we told him to pack up his stuff and get out. I called the police and asked them to be present while he gathered his things. We told him we would pay for his car insurance and phone until Christmas, we gave him $160 in cash, $5 in quarters to wash his clothes, and paid $1600 for him to stay at the Comfort Inn at Westgate to be close to his work for 15 days. We told him to get his mind straight and if he would follow house rules he could come home on June 21.
Well, he didn't show up for work, was removed from the work schedule, is staying out all night with girls, sports gambling, and claims he never wants to come home again and will live in his car or hang with friends until he can afford an apartment.
We told him we were coming to get his car (it's in his daddy's name) so he turned off Life 360. His Daddy just got fed up, called him and sold him the car for $1000.
Life 360 is still off and he told us yesterday that all of this was our fault because we want to control him and this is what we get for being terrible, crazy and bipolar as parents.
I need advice. Please help. We cannot do this anymore. We have told him that if he can follow our house rules he can come home until he can afford an apartment (with a time limit) or go to college and we will pay a month at a time.
Here are our rules he REFUSES TO FOLLOW AND SAYS ARE CONTROLLING.
This is a list of our house rules that he says "control him" that he will not follow. Tell me what you think.
Keep phone charged
Keep Life 360 on at all times
No sex, drugs, alcohol, on property or in house
Follow curfew- 12 Sunday-Thurs and 12:30 Fri-Sat or we can arrange later
Keep room, clothes, towels, sheets clean
Clean bathroom
Clean up your own dishes
Pay car insurance
No sports betting
Work 20-25 hours per week
Pay your own gas and use your own money for going out.
Show respect and appreciation
Don't drive/ride with people who are drunk or high
If sexually active use protection
Save your money
We need to know who you are with and where you are
If you are coming in after curfew or are not able to drive home, call and let us know.
Are these unreasonable?
We spoke to him yesterday or tried to and
Now He refuses to even speak to us. At least we offered for him to come back if he has no place to stay. But he says he is not coming back. He has been going around telling everybody he is homeless which isn't true. We put him up in a hotel for 2 weeks and for what, he quit working, has been sports betting, drinking, and sleeping around.
He has spoken to all family members and says he doesn't care. He says he is in control and has the power now.
He claims we will never know where he is. I mean seriously what we were supposed to do?
I can't live this way. He was even meeting girls at the top of our driveway during the middle of the night before we made his pack and leave.
Our therapist said he has to see that his way won't work like he thinks.
I just don't see any way around making him leave. And no, I guess he has no plans for college. He just wants easy money, to do what he wants and have no responsibilities. He says all his friends parents think we are evil people to kick him out for "just being a typical 18 year old." He said the parents of the kid he went to the beach with said we are abusive because during those severe storms last week, he wouldn't charge his phone and was down to 15%. He wouldn't answer calls or texts. We found him on Life 360 and pulled up behind him and his friend. I got out of the car, banged on his window and told him to charge his phone. He said, No! I said open the door, he did and I jerked the phone out of his hand and said "charge the damn phone now like you were asked." He laughed and his friend was so upset he asked to go home. Then he said my friend thinks you are insane and won't speak to me now. I told him- when we ask you to do something it's for SAFETY. And we don't care that you are 18. We will do what is necessary and if it embarrasses you that is tough. Follow the rules or park the car.
Are we crazy? We are just fed up. Please help us!!!!
I would guess a little of both
but our kids make us that way, crazy that is. I identify with your history although my son is mine by birth and is 23 not 18 very similar as far as behaviors regarding video games and electronics and following rules and boundaries.
