Praying for that day......

[SeaGenieTx]

Leafy, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know how terrifying it is to be yelled at like that and feel unsafe. I wish your husband was more of a rock and more supportive but you have to be strong and do what you need to do to protect yourself and your home.

I swear these kids of ours and the pain the cause. It's just unbearable. Enough is enough.

We love them and have to stop tolerating this behavior and abuse. Some people are just ***ked up and will wreak havoc on our lives and blame us. It hurts. Believe me, my own son has hurt me more than anyone or anything in my life but enough is enough.

Rain and your husband are both dysfunctional and your safety is priority. Put a screensaver/password on your computer. Follow your own advice that you have given all of us on here. You need to think about all of this and make a plan.

Some of us get so wrapped up in this misery, it becomes an addiction in itself. I've had to really stop dwelling on my son and force myself to stay positive and not live on here all day reading posts. I get on here to get things off my chest then I move on.

I've survived the deaths of 5 immediate family members, two years of my son's drug use and trips to jail, arguments with him, kicking him out..... I can survive this and you can too. You can't get sucked in to this misery. Make a plan for you and your safety. Everyone else needs to fend for themselves if they are going to let Rain waltz in and unleash her wrath. Do you what gotta do. Get your wits together, make a plan, follow thru but most of all watch out for your safety. Rain is unpredictable and you must never trust her for one minute.

I'm so sorry this happened my friend. STAY STRONG.

 

[New Leaf]

Sea, I know there is much more to life. Addiction is terrible. For me, posting has been my sanity. It helps me to stay the course. Like you, there is no one else I can talk with about this.
I also have my boy to think of.
It is very complicated with hubs illness and his stubborn ways. I look at it as him, not being on the same page as I am, and Rain will take advantage of this. I have not seen her since Thanksgiving.
I do not know if she has come over when I am not home.
I have much to think on.
I am an easy target for her. She does not see me as a person, much like your son. I think it is easier for them to keep on doing what they are doing, if they blame us for everything. Then, they do not have to take responsibility for their
choices.
I do not accept this, or the way she treats me.
Thank you for your kind words and concern.
I am adamant, that she will not live here. I will not be subjected to this. It will take time for my husband to understand what is happening. He does not
think the same as I, as far as detachment. She does not act the same to him, as she does to me. She does not show him animosity, or act out in front of him.
I am making a plan, and will do my best to protect our home.
Thank you Sea
leafy

 

[InsaneCdn]

Another one of my "stupid suggestions" - but maybe it would be useful to get some security video cameras, and record what is happening when he isn't home. Especially if it shows her being there when nobody else is there - it might wake him up a bit.

 

[New Leaf]

No not stupid, Insane, I have thought of this and will act on it. Thank you very much. I appreciate your posts, very much. Never thought any of them as stupid. Don't be so mean to yourself!
leafy

 

[toughlovin]

I was always the bad guy in our family as well. I made the rules and half the time my do forgot them.....over time though with my sons behavior my do did get on the same page as me and is supportive. It is interesting now though that the kids are older. If my son needs help he calls me... And my daughter who is pure easy child also comes to me if she has something going on.

But when times have been bad with my son his venom and anger is all directed at me as well.

So if your daughter ever gets sober things may change, but while she is using you are in her way because you set the limits and boundaries which makes it harder for her to use.

And yes you can't change how your hub feels or reacts... All you can do is keep setting boundaries for yourself and what you will deal with. You absolutely have the right to be safe in your own home and that needs to be made clear to hubs.

Hugs,

TL

 

[Hopeful97]

Leafy,
I am so sorry that this happened to you. You are in the right place with other warrior moms.

There hasn't been a decent conversation since I can remember.

I try to talk calmly, with the least words possible, about what cousins said, and of course, it is their fault.

The tone gets uglier, swearing, and sneering.
Her head wags side to side, that "thug style." A show of disrespect. A look of hate. Venom.......
Mention of this same man, been held captive, she can't leave.
Holds a knife to her throat.
He is in jail. Beat her bad, felony charges, it was that bad.

At this point, what does a mother say?
I stammer.........
"Please, can I help you get help?"

The BOMB goes off, f-bombs, shut the f ups and why can't I just this or that, I don't listen......culminating in her charging up the steps and getting within an inch of my face screaming,
"How does this feel, huh? How the f does this feel? This happens to me every day"
My back is to the railing........She looms over me, jeering.
I tell her to back off. Get away from me.
It was extremely jarring, threatening, frightening.
It was meant to be frightening.

She is full of hatred and venom.
There is no speaking with her, for me.
I cannot say anything right.
I try to remain composed, but I am shaken.

After a few more f-this and f-that.
She tells me
"You are just using me anyways, you get to be the poor thing, the mother of a drug addict."

HUH? I think, what does she mean? Huh?
I get to be the mother of a drug addict..........
then I realize, she must have gone on my computer, seen my CD page........

I know that kind of panic (thinking my purse, etc...) is unprotected. It sounds so familiar you try to talk calmly and the response from d c is blow up. You do not deserve this, you deserve respect. This is unacceptable behavior.

When we offer to help or get our d c s help and the response is violent (screaming cuss words and other nasty things at us) being so close to you and screaming in your face. This is awful. It sounds like very similar situation, it is time once again to have no contact.

After a few more f-this and f-that.
She tells me
"You are just using me anyways, you get to be the poor thing, the mother of a drug addict."

HUH? I think, what does she mean? Huh?
I get to be the mother of a drug addict..........
then I realize, she must have gone on my computer, seen my CD page....

WOW, this again is unacceptable. I know it can be kind of a pain, but try to form the habit of logging out of everything all the time, so that you have to put in your id and password everytime. We should not have to do this but I think of it as part of the process of having an adult d c that comes and goes, for lack of a better term.

I try to tell hubs, this is not helping her.
He says she is my daughter,
I will just tell her not to come around when you are here.
So, as always, I am the b!tc#.....But, I know I am not, I would like more than anything,
for my daughter to be whole again.
I know that helping her, is not truly helping her.
I know that she is triangulating, hubs does not see this.
I am not safe, in my own home.
This is unacceptable.

I get to be the poor thing, the mother of a drug addict.

You are a good mother and do not deserve this kind of treatment or immense hatred. I agree that it is very hard when your hubby is not on the same page as you. My husband, like yours is old fashioned and quiet. I went through d c not coming around when I was home, that did not last long and this eventually lead to me getting a restraining order. Hubby did not like this, I explained that I had to do it for my sanity and that he could still have contact with d c, just not at our home. This is a very hard thing to do. As you know our d c s are very good at triangulation and it seems that Rain is trying to do just that.

You are not a b****. Don't lose the hope of having your d c s whole again. Exactly right helping her at this point is not helping her.

You have the right to feel peace and safety in your home. It is extremely unacceptable not to feel this in your home. It is important for hubby to know that you do not feel peace and safety in your home and it is very important for you to know that your d c will not be in your home period.

You are not poor thing mother of a drug addict, your are strong warrior mom - that is helping herself get her life back and striving for some type of normalcy.

I agree your youngest does not need to be around this, he does need protecting.

The best way to help our d c s at this point is to let them be in the world and figure out what kind of lifestyle they want to lead. They take and take and take, we try to help and give and give. This is madness and must not be.

One thing I have recently come to realize, I don't think we ever accept or get used to the terrible lifestyle (existence) that our d c s choose and the fact that they do not want help or think they do not need help and it is okay to live how they live and treat us like they do, but we simply learn to live with it. Thank God for this site where we can accept, care, support and love other warrior parents and help each other heal and go through the what seems like continuous cycles that go with our journeys concerning our d c s.

Leafy, I don't know why but it seems that moms get most or all of the anger and violence our d c s have. Someone once told me that our d c s hurt the ones that love them the most.

This really angers me that your d c would do this to you - again it is unacceptable.

I am not trying to tell you what to do or did not mean to sound harsh, but this is really troubling, it wrenchs at my heart. You are deserving of peace and safety in your home and respect from your children (adults or not).

Keep posting and talking, as you know it really helps - it is great therapy and release.



BIG BEAR HUGS TO YOU! Thoughts and prayers to you friend. Standing strong with you!

Hopeful

 

[Hopeful97]

Toughlovin,

Your are right.

I was always the bad guy in our family as well. I made the rules and half the time my do forgot them.....over time though with my sons behavior my do did get on the same page as me and is supportive. It is interesting now though that the kids are older. If my son needs help he calls me... And my daughter who is pure easy child also comes to me if she has something going on.

But when times have been bad with my son his venom and anger is all directed at me as well.

So if your daughter ever gets sober things may change, but while she is using you are in her way because you set the limits and boundaries which makes it harder for her to use.

And yes you can't change how your hub feels or reacts... All you can do is keep setting boundaries for yourself and what you will deal with. You absolutely have the right to be safe in your own home and that needs to be made clear to hubs.

Hugs,

TL

Boundaries are very important and help us also. And hubby needs to know that we have the right to feel safe in our own home.

Thank you,
Hopeful

 

[Hopeful97]

Leafy,

You asked of anyone else experiences this with their partners. My experience is that sometimes we are close to the same page. My hubs seems similiar to yours in that he is quiet and old fashioned. My hubs is also extremely laid back and will go to great lengths to avoid any type of confrontation but stubborn.

Keep talking to hubs, gently remind him that you need him to know how you feel. Keep the lines of communication open. It is difficult to talk to hubbies that were raised "men do not show or really discuss their feelings." Our fears for our safety and safety for others in our home needs to be known.

You are the priority and should feel safe in your own home. I hope this helped in some way.

Hugs to you sister,

Hopeful

 

[New Leaf]

.....over time though with my sons behavior my do did get on the same page as me and is supportive.

I have seen that my hubs has come a bit further. At least he agrees that our two will not live here again. So, there is some progress.

So if your daughter ever gets sober things may change, but while she is using you are in her way because you set the limits and boundaries which makes it harder for her to use.

This reaffirms what I do know. I am in the way. Thank you TL. I am also aware, that our relationship may not improve even if she does get sober. All I can do is live my life the best I can. I am so appreciative of all the insight offered here. It has helped me sort through the reality and pain of this.

And yes you can't change how your hub feels or reacts... All you can do is keep setting boundaries for yourself and what you will deal with. You absolutely have the right to be safe in your own home and that needs to be made clear to hubs.

I have spoken with hubs and he will talk with Rain. We do not see her as much as before.
This in of itself has repercussions. Just wondering how she is doing, praying she is okay. The work it takes to stay focused and grounded, while someone you love is going off the rails. While I try my best not to worry, because worry does nothing but bring me down, that thought is there. That ache.
Then, she is the picture, and everything just kind of starts racing, is she okay? What is her demeanor? What does she want?
All of these mixed emotions, tangled up with the history of interaction, what I have had to learn to be able to cope and not get drawn into the chaos of it.

All of us warrior parents have so many different issues tacked on to our d cs. I guess what it boils down to is just....... life. There are folks out there who have other problems, children with disabilities, health issues, financial, etc. This is what we have to deal with and learn how to live as best we can despite these challenges we face.

Thank so much TL, and all, for your thoughts, ideas, concern, best wishes and help, I really, really am grateful for your kindness.
(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Hopeful, Thank you for your love and concern, I will be okay. Just was really shaken up by the menacing actions. It was awful and unacceptable.

I know that kind of panic (thinking my purse, etc...) is unprotected. It sounds so familiar you try to talk calmly and the response from d c is blow up. You do not deserve this, you deserve respect. This is unacceptable behavior.

You are right. Well, just the fact that I cannot leave valuables around in my home, without fearing
theft from my own adult child.

When we offer to help or get our d c s help and the response is violent (screaming cuss words and other nasty things at us) being so close to you and screaming in your face. This is awful. It sounds like very similar situation, it is time once again to have no contact.

I broke my code with this one, I had resolved not to mention help, because of similar lashing out. It is as if I said, "Let's just cut off your arm." The idea is just so repulsive, for her to get help.
I think it is because deep down inside, they know they need help but the addiction is the force driving them. Help, is the last thing they want.
Yes, I agree, time to go no contact. Actually, I have been no contact.
This incident just confirms that it is what has to be.
I will not be subjected to this.
My Hoku has had some contact with Tornado, my #3. She said she told her she needs to make amends for her actions towards me, Tornado responded with a stream of excuses and disgust.
So, it seems for now, I have no relationship with my two d cs and my grands.
It is, what it is. What can I do? The disrespect is intolerable.

I know it can be kind of a pain, but try to form the habit of logging out of everything all the time, so that you have to put in your id and password every time.

This is good advice. Usually I do, but for some reason didn't that day. I will make it a habit. Thanks, Hopeful.

hubby did not like this, I explained that I had to do it for my sanity and that he could still have contact with d c, just not at our home. This is a very hard thing to do. As you know our d c s are very good at triangulation and it seems that Rain is trying to do just that.

Yes, for sure triangulation. Hubs will do what he feels comfortable with. It is hard for all of us. He feels a necessity in letting her come over for a shower and a meal. I cannot deny him this. So, she will not come, when I am home. She has not come around too often. It is a compromise, but that is what we have to do sometimes.
If anything else happens, I will address it when the time comes.

It is important for hubby to know that you do not feel peace and safety in your home and it is very important for you to know that your d c will not be in your home period.

I wish I could have control over this, but do not. It is his home, too.
So, for now, I will live with it, and see what happens.

The best way to help our d c s at this point is to let them be in the world and figure out what kind of lifestyle they want to lead. They take and take and take, we try to help and give and give. This is madness and must not be.

I wholeheartedly agree. There is a sense of entitlement where our d cs are concerned. Like we are supposed to accept the mistreatment, and keep accepting it. WRONG.

Thank God for this site where we can accept, care, support and love other warrior parents and help each other heal and go through the what seems like continuous cycles that go with our journeys concerning our d c s.

C.D. is a Godsend. Heaven only knows I would much rather my two were living peaceable lives. I would love to not have to post here. It is twisted and irrational to think I have some benefit from my twos addiction, that the pain of it and need to post on a forum, elevates me. I am grateful to have this site, and have camaraderie with fellow warriors that have similar journeys, but I think we would all agree that it would be much better to have our d cs living healthy productive lives, then having "material" to write here about. No offense, I love all of you guys, but if my two were not using-hallelujah!
I know I would still visit, and encourage others.

Leafy, I don't know why but it seems that moms get most or all of the anger and violence our d c s have. Someone once told me that our d c s hurt the ones that love them the most.

That is probably true Hopeful. Because the ones that love them the most are willing to keep going with detachment and setting boundaries, with eyes wide open. It is the hardest thing to do to pull away from the enabling. We are not looking for the quick, fleeting fix, but towards long term solutions. We are learning that helping doesn't help; this threatens the addicts using. We are a threat to their greatest enjoyment, which is living for free, and doing whatever they want. Our insisting they cannot live at home and drug, is bad in their eyes. We know better. There is no greater love. It is hard and it hurts.

I am not trying to tell you what to do or did not mean to sound harsh, but this is really troubling, it wrenchs at my heart. You are deserving of peace and safety in your home and respect from your children (adults or not).

No harshness at all Hopeful, I do not take it that way. Thank you for sharing your heart-thoughts, it is good to see you posting. Keep posting and messaging me. We are going through such similar paths. I am grateful for your friendship and help. Do not let this wrench your heart, friend. I am okay. Just a bit shaken. What Rain did was demonstrate even more to me, what I have to do.
I have to be strong and live my life, no matter what my two decide their course will be.
We have value, our lives matter.
This, unfortunately is their choice.
To live as they will, to the detriment of themselves, and others.
We are separate people from our d cs,
with very different values and ideologies of living a good life.

We cannot allow the consequences of their choices infect our living.
It is not right, fair, or acceptable.
We are the only ones who will draw that line.

(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[New Leaf]

You asked of anyone else experiences this with their partners. My experience is that sometimes we are close to the same page. My hubs seems similar to yours in that he is quiet and old fashioned. My hubs is also extremely laid back and will go to great lengths to avoid any type of confrontation but stubborn.

Hopeful, are we married to the same man? LOL.
Thank you, it is true, non-confrontational, yet, a man's man. Raised in a different world. No such thing as touchy feely. These poor guys were taught from childhood not to be "sissys". No crying allowed. Huh.
Men are human beings with feelings.

What I can say is that hubs has worked hard his whole life to provide for our family. He is dependable.
I think that is what gets to him the most, after all of his hard work, to see his kids go down this road......

(((HUGS)))
leafy