And please know that I wasn't talking about my own posts. I was talking me responding to others people posts is when I was getting nervous. It's kind of hard to be clear over the internet. I have zero problem when you are talking to me in my own posts. Your advice is awesome, seriously.
Prison bail set at $100,000
- Thread starter Woriedmom
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BusynMember
Well-Known Member
GM, I really am not sure and that's ok. I just won't respond to you at all. My guess is you are telling somebody to be easy on an adult kid who is acting like a criminal and I'm saying not to, perhaps not directly to you, but we disagree on this very much. It's not hard just to let you have your say and not respond to it. I did not have that much pity for my own children when they broke the law and I didn't think it would help them to bail them out and, in my case, letting them fall and get up worked. I am not going to agree that it is a good idea to do too much for an adult child who does illegal stuff. So there is no reason for me to just contradict what you say...I can see where you would find it being "bossy." Honestly, I didn't even think that it was you in particular. I'm very sorry. I sometimes need to be told to cool off and I'm glad you did. I will be mindful of this with you. Again, I am sorry.
Now I"m going to let this thread go back to WM's fears. It's not about you or me here
Peace!
Now I"m going to let this thread go back to WM's fears. It's not about you or me here
Peace! 
Childofmine
one day at a time
WM, I am so sorry for your pain. I am sure you are scared to death for your son, and I would be as well.
Your feelings are valid. Our feelings are always valid. We need to honor them and feel them.
But often, we do not need to act on our feelings. I learned about this distinction in Al-Anon when I first started going some years ago, and I didn't understand it for a long, long time.
I always felt that my feelings were real, and honest, and therefore....must reflect the Truth and....I had to act on them.
Today, I have learned how to deal with my own feelings much more effectively, especially my feelings of grief, pain, fear, helplessness, powerlessness (two different things), anger...on and on.
I have felt all of these feelings very intensely for my son over the past five years. Now, when I feel these feelings intensely, I wait, I use my tools, and I let time go by, and often the situation resolves itself or I can see things in a new light. Sometimes I do end up acting, but I act with more forethought, not as rashly as before.
Please don't jeopardize your own future---with your husband, with your 2-year-old, with your own financial, physical and emotional security---right now or in the future, without getting a lot of professional advice first.
Can you go to the Legal Aid Society in your town for a second opinion or advice? Can you get permission to speak with your son's court-appointed attorney to get his/her perspective? Can you find a friend of a friend---a criminal attorney---who would be willing to talk with you by phone or spend 30 minutes so you can get some additional facts?
I met a woman in Al-Anon last week. She was there for the very first time. She was about my age, and had just moved to our town from California the week before. She has three grown children. Two are addicts and alcoholics and have been in a lot of trouble in their lives. They are in their late 30s and early 40s. One of her sons is facing 25 years to life. She is, of course, very sad about this, but she has worked through her emotions and now understands that her son has made many choices that have brought him to this point. She is working now to accept that there is nothing she can do about this. That is a very hard lesson for us all to learn---that there is nothing we can do. Because then, we have to live with powerlessness and uncertainty, and that is something that very few people in the world know how to do or are very good at.
She is now ready to work on herself, to learn how to live peacefully with herself and to have a good life, regardless of what her sons do, either the one who is facing a long prison term or the other, who she said is a raging alcoholic.
We talked after the meeting for a long time, and I encouraged her to keep coming back.
WM, again, please know that I am sorry. I wish your son had made different choices along the way, and wasn't in the serious trouble that he is in today. But, I can also say that we have no way of knowing what God has in store for your son. Perhaps this is the path God wants him to be on, and it will lead to something good down the road.
Warm hugs and prayers. I am concerned about you, and I hope you can work to find a way to live in peace.
Your feelings are valid. Our feelings are always valid. We need to honor them and feel them.
But often, we do not need to act on our feelings. I learned about this distinction in Al-Anon when I first started going some years ago, and I didn't understand it for a long, long time.
I always felt that my feelings were real, and honest, and therefore....must reflect the Truth and....I had to act on them.
Today, I have learned how to deal with my own feelings much more effectively, especially my feelings of grief, pain, fear, helplessness, powerlessness (two different things), anger...on and on.
I have felt all of these feelings very intensely for my son over the past five years. Now, when I feel these feelings intensely, I wait, I use my tools, and I let time go by, and often the situation resolves itself or I can see things in a new light. Sometimes I do end up acting, but I act with more forethought, not as rashly as before.
Please don't jeopardize your own future---with your husband, with your 2-year-old, with your own financial, physical and emotional security---right now or in the future, without getting a lot of professional advice first.
Can you go to the Legal Aid Society in your town for a second opinion or advice? Can you get permission to speak with your son's court-appointed attorney to get his/her perspective? Can you find a friend of a friend---a criminal attorney---who would be willing to talk with you by phone or spend 30 minutes so you can get some additional facts?
I met a woman in Al-Anon last week. She was there for the very first time. She was about my age, and had just moved to our town from California the week before. She has three grown children. Two are addicts and alcoholics and have been in a lot of trouble in their lives. They are in their late 30s and early 40s. One of her sons is facing 25 years to life. She is, of course, very sad about this, but she has worked through her emotions and now understands that her son has made many choices that have brought him to this point. She is working now to accept that there is nothing she can do about this. That is a very hard lesson for us all to learn---that there is nothing we can do. Because then, we have to live with powerlessness and uncertainty, and that is something that very few people in the world know how to do or are very good at.
She is now ready to work on herself, to learn how to live peacefully with herself and to have a good life, regardless of what her sons do, either the one who is facing a long prison term or the other, who she said is a raging alcoholic.
We talked after the meeting for a long time, and I encouraged her to keep coming back.
WM, again, please know that I am sorry. I wish your son had made different choices along the way, and wasn't in the serious trouble that he is in today. But, I can also say that we have no way of knowing what God has in store for your son. Perhaps this is the path God wants him to be on, and it will lead to something good down the road.
Warm hugs and prayers. I am concerned about you, and I hope you can work to find a way to live in peace.
I think it is time for this thread to be closed. WM can start a new thread to update us on how things are going.
After 163 posts it is hard to even go back and see the original post and follow the thread. I see some feelings have been hurt and I have only gone back a few pages.
Please remember that it is okay to disagree but it must be done in a respectful manner. Some members are feeling ganged up on and that is never okay.
So lets start out fresh.
~Kathy
After 163 posts it is hard to even go back and see the original post and follow the thread. I see some feelings have been hurt and I have only gone back a few pages.
Please remember that it is okay to disagree but it must be done in a respectful manner. Some members are feeling ganged up on and that is never okay.
So lets start out fresh.
~Kathy
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