Q's view from his spot in his "office".

[DammitJanet]

Can I ask what 14/15 year old kid is going to learn swear words simply from Q? I would be willing to bet that most of them are fully aware of them by now. If they are that worried about them they can go get a kid from the ED class to be Q's friend. I would be willing to bet there are a couple of kids like Cory in there that would be willing to do stuff like that. The ones who are actually good kids but caught in the ED label.

 

[zaftigmama]

Would you move?

 

[buddy]

I would move and actually did move to be here. I sold my home when he had finished "third" grade in another district but had never spent a second in a third grade class, had been mainstreamed into a second grade class and the year before a first grade class... so I asked them to just adjust it on paper (not retention as that implies REPEATING a grade and their view was they woud always just have him go to a general ed class that matched his development, but he was progressing each year so why not just adjust it??? Also, that whole system would fall apart when he went to middle school and there was no younger class to put him in... when in 6th grade on paper he would have had to go to a fifth class but there are none in teh middle school. SO, I moved becasue this district said of course we will put him where he is working. I knew the gap would even widen further so it was even more important. The thought of Q being in 9th grade right now?? OH MY... so glad I did that. They were more worried about the stigma to them, they didn't want that stat as they are very anti retention around here. They had him go meet the on paper teacher and say he was part of that class every year and then not let him step foot in the room. It was awful. So I sold my house and moved here because this district has a wonderful rep for autism and actually had been doing well with the usual little advocacy things along the way. It took him 1.5 years to settle in due to his fears when he goes somewhere new. I dont know if I can put him thru that again. In any event, I would not leave our state for sure. I would not leave this AREA which is huge and full of different districts but having worked in charter schools, there are not many who have as many options as this district. I fear that this is really what happens most places. Kids with true disabilities that affect their behavior are not FUN to work with at all so no one really studies what to do or makes the effort. Some behavior folks are interested in them but they get very locked into reward consequence stuff. I volunteer in the classroom with severe multiply disabled kids and some of them are barely conscious most of the day and they get constant attention and 2;1 or 1:1 care. He has at least as many diagnosis but is thought of as "rude".

Now that I have this advocate I would rather keep Q's world as safe as possible and push them to do the right thing. We have the independent FBA coming up so that is a start. If nothing good comes from that, well... then we will see. I got a msg from my legal person to call tonight. I hope it is not bad news. Sigh.

 

[susiestar]

This independent FBA person needs this picture. I am sure the school gave a very different picture where he is with ohter kids and then goes to his room now and then when HE gets overwhelmed, not that he has to spend his entire day there alone because they are afraid he will curse.

And what is this fear of his language? What happened to sticks and stones? We ALL know bullying hurts, and that the phrase is outdated, but enough schools here use it when a kid complains that someone called him a name that I am pretty sure the phrase is still used pretty often. Why not find a way to change things?

As for the idiot who just stood there when you asked them to change things, she doesn't seem smart enough to get out of the rain. Send her somehwere near HoundDog and let her stand outside in a frog-strangler looking up for the rainbow. Would solve her as a problem. I hate stupid more than I hate almost anything else in life except liver. It is a close race between liver and stupid.

I do think your district has some good things happening and I don't know where you could move and it would be much different if not worse. That does NOT mean that they should get away with this koi. You are doing an awesome job advocating for him!

 

[Shari]

The best thing that happened to our school experience was them bringing in their attorney. Maybe your district could use a little of the same...

 

[buddy]

Shari, you mean the district brought in their attorney to your IEP meeting?

I talked to mine tonight. she wanted to check in. I asked her if she got my emails and the picture. she said yes and that she was so disappointed from the last meeting and when she said to all that she doubted the principal just wanted to be a part of things and that is why we have to have monthly IEP meetings....LOL....she said she expects a complaint to her boss for saying that but she was fed up. She felt like the psychiatric who admitted so specifically to having restrained q last year on a specific day of the week at a specific time and he remembered calling and telling me all of the details (he did call me a couple times after I had left NUMEROUS messages during the re-evaluation but if he called about that, he didn't say it in terms of a restraint...I WOULD have remembered that for sure. and I certainly have no written record of any restraint, AND all year as we have had these behavior meetings time and time again staff has said there has never ever been a restraint in the past 2.5 years...so where this was pulled from??? She was just totally sick about it and they still have not produced the paper work about it that she demanded. They are screwed. The only way they could get paperwork on it now is to do it now.

I do think this district has the potential to do right by him, they have in the past. It always comes down to the individuals and things were good here until the principal got into the mix...then started telling them they had to call him if something happened at school then Q got anxious and went off and and and.... this ONE guy has made this all hell. I pray that the independent fba person will help.

So, Q had his third (well second session, third time meeting) appointment with his counselor today. He was nervous I think...just a little at first. so in the waiting room I hear these little whispers, b****, get me money a55 h***, etc... he moved closer and closer to me as I was re reading lost in school... and then started tapping my leg with his foot then he let one rip... really stinky and he is laughing and I am biting my tongue, I usually get angry but I actually almost laughed too... really had to hold it in... so after a moment, he started getting louder so I got up and walked out to the hall where there is glass walls so I could see him and if she came out Occupational Therapist (OT) get him... but he followed so he asked where I was going and I said, well I am nto going to allow you to talk like that to me with all of those little kids in there and he took that to mean we were leaving I think... so he said something like 'but mom, this is my chance to turn it all around. this is my special time where I can learn to stop all these problems and that is why we are here. Just come back in and I will try to stop'

Tell me this kid is doing this just to be a rude brat???? I dont think so.

 

[Shari]

Wee has said the same things. Breaks my heart to hear it from these kiddos...if the average Joe tried half as hard as some of these kids??? Oh what a world we could have.

Yes, the district brought in their attorney. I made a list of demands and sent to the school. Flat out told them I expected at least 50% to be met. I also had 2 advocates from the state. I all but told them do it or else, but they got the message without saying it...and brought in their attorney in response.

I was pushed by many to get an attorney myself, but I did not. If there was a possibility of maintaining a working relationship with them, I wanted to. So I figured I'd go to the meeting without an attorney, and if things got hairy, I'd end it and get my attorney. It took their attorney less than an hour to see what was going on, and he did more for us than he did the district. In fact, I've called him 5 or 6 times and told him something they were doing...in all cases that "something" changed in short order...

He's a big-time partner in a large firm from a big city several hours away...and I'd love to know his background, cause he's either well versed in the reality of sped, or he has some real-life experience...

 

[buddy]

Wee has said the same things. Breaks my heart to hear it from these kiddos...if the average Joe tried half as hard as some of these kids??? Oh what a world we could have.

Yes, the district brought in their attorney. I made a list of demands and sent to the school. Flat out told them I expected at least 50% to be met. I also had 2 advocates from the state. I all but told them do it or else, but they got the message without saying it...and brought in their attorney in response.

I was pushed by many to get an attorney myself, but I did not. If there was a possibility of maintaining a working relationship with them, I wanted to. So I figured I'd go to the meeting without an attorney, and if things got hairy, I'd end it and get my attorney. It took their attorney less than an hour to see what was going on, and he did more for us than he did the district. In fact, I've called him 5 or 6 times and told him something they were doing...in all cases that "something" changed in short order...

He's a big-time partner in a large firm from a big city several hours away...and I'd love to know his background, cause he's either well versed in the reality of sped, or he has some real-life experience...

Wow that is truly unique, right? Very interesting story.

 

[InsaneCdn]

so he said something like 'but mom, this is my chance to turn it all around. this is my special time where I can learn to stop all these problems and that is why we are here. Just come back in and I will try to stop'

Buddy...
If you don't have this already, then start now.
You need a journal... of Q-isms.
The really heart-tugging, heart-warming statements that show you the "real" person inside, beyond the damage.
You need to capture them, or they will be lost.
And then, someday, when you're a little old lady sitting in a nursing home, you'll pull out your book of Q-isms, and remember...

 

[buddy]

my mom says that all the time. I had been writing some down then stopped it has been on and off. Yeah, I need to be better. He does have a sweet side. Wow is he tickie tonight... walks by lights, flicks them on and off over and over then stops then stomps up stairs, goes in a room and slams door shut open, shut, open shut open shut... then to the sink... water on water off water on water off..... "hey girlie girl.. hey girlie girl, hey girlie girl..." Holy heck...this kid needs to go to bed.

 

[Shari]

Ya know, at first I did think it was unique, but as I thought about it more? Not so much. He knows the laws and what the district must do to be "legal". He just made them do it. Regardless of who's "side" he was on.

Whenever I call, he always has to give the speil that he works to protect the interest of the district and that while he's happy to talk to me, he may use what I say to protect his client. Blah blah blah.

And I always tell him that he and I have a common interest and that is the education of a young man within the constraints of the law. To which he agrees...

 

[InsaneCdn]

And I always tell him that he and I have a common interest and that is the education of a young man within the constraints of the law. To which he agrees...

Where's that <LIKE> button!!! <LIKE> <LIKE>

Shari - you are absolutely brilliant.

 

[Shari]

it may bite me in the butt someday. For now, it works.

 

[buddy]

I love that. It should be that way. I am not asking for anything grand... really. I have been so reasonable that our psychiatric and the law advocate think that is part of the problem.... just asking them to do what as you said...is the right thing to do.

 

[Shari]

I think the only thing I asked for and didn't get at least some variation of was having a single dedicated person as Wee's para written into Wee's IEP. And I called the state education department and they said that it was a personnel issue, and they said there was nothing I could do. It could come into play if the dedicated para was hurt or ill and had to be subbed...
That said, the sped teacher wrote several things in that indicate a dedicated person to Wee, and since then, the district has given him one para without argument.

 

[susiestar]

I think Shari's system is unique in some ways because their district was trying to do so many things that were so blatantly against the law to/with Wee. A lot of the things there were actual segments of the law that said that this can't be done. Sadly there are a LOT of attorneys who will try to make whatever a SD wants to do be legal, or make parents think it is legal. I have seen our SD do it and an old friend of mine is a lawyer here and she has worked with a LOT of families against the local district and the smaller districts around us. I do think it is awesome that the SD's lawyer in Shari's case made them do what they should be doing because a lot of attys won't do that. I think her SD is lucky because she could sue them for some of the koi they have pulled and she would win but she would prefer to work iwth them because then maybe they would help Wee and do right by other kids too.

I am glad you have the legal person, buddy, and I think your Q is amazing. I think a book of Q-isms would be amazing. In fact, sometimes I think a book of quotes from our difficult children would be a best seller. Those things they say that show amazing insight, or that sweet side most of them have but gets hidden under the problems.

Q sure has a great grasp of what therapy is about. I really wish that people could realize that his cursing is NOT a choice but is about as voluntary as a sneeze or heart attack. It also shouldn't be that big a deal to high school students. Just walking through our high school between classes back when Wiz was there was nonstop cursing. It was pretty amazing to me but when I take waht Q is being punished for and what I heard that day, well, Q is pretty mild. Heck, thank you was complaining before holiday break because the kids just curse and curse and curse and they sound like idiots because that is ALL they say when they are in a group. He is 12 and this is middle school. Makes me wonder what the school staff is putting in their ears at your school, buddy. Maybe something like that translator thingie in the Douglas Adam's Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy that makes them unable to hear curses from anyone but Q? That is about the only excuse for so many people being so upset because a kid cusses that way. yes, it isn't normally done around the teachers, but it isn't that unusual. Don't these people ever go to the lunchroom when it is full? We are a more educated town because the university has such a HUGE influence on our town and our schools are usually a level above those of the major cities in our area. I know for a fact because my dad taught in the city and I compared them to our schools for a few papers and research projects. So if our kids are doing it, I am pretty sure it is quite common in most areas.

Anyway, I hope that the fba person tells the school to stop being so reactive and to include Q and not be idiots. I wish I could come and tell them for you and whomp some sense into them with a hex. If hexes worked. WHen I am Queen of the Universe things will be different. We will put the principal and psychiatric in pens and not let them ever be near anyone for a few months, and see how THEY like it and how they handle being around people then.

 

[Shari]

Agreed, Susie. I have a contact at sped compliance that I run things by, too, and he helps me with wording...

Yeah, it won't work for everyone, but for now, its working for us. We are in a rural area, and I don't really want to move. This is our one option for schools, so... While I have given up hope that they'll learn and benefit other kids, I'm hopeful somehow I can benefit other kids. Cause they dang sure haven't learned yet... But slowly we are getting some things happening for Wee.

And ya know, a few Q-isms printed out might be a good opener for your next meeting...light, human. No idea if it works, but it always made me feel better to point out that my kiddo was a real person with good qualities instead of just bad.

And Wee's a lot younger than Q, but his cursing, etc, has all but gone away once they started just ignoring it.

 

[Malika]

I have to admit (with apologies for my ignorance) that I don't really understand what the point of all this is, quite. Q is supposed to go to a mainstream school to be integrated but isn't being integrated, or barely at all. It really seems an odd mishmash of a solution to have him isolated off all the time. But I am sure you have been round and round all this. I hope very much you can find some better provision for him in time.

 

[buddy]

You guys are great. You can come and hex them any time (LOL, how lang. impaired do I feel today, I read that you wanted them in a pen and I pictured a writing utensil...luckily my flexible thinking mind switched that out....haha)

I think Q can be very in your face with his swearing, especially once he sees people are upset or interprets that they might be by their expressions, which then kicks in his fight/flight because he knows punishment is coming anyway so he goes all out. on the other hand, if he is totally ignored he becomes VERY hurt and frustrated and then it is done because he is mad and hurt. He will explain daily when he feels ignored. and his ability to wait while someone is processing and formulating a response to a question or request is really poor.

I also think that now that he is in a special needs class, OTHER kids get LOTS of attention for complaining about Q. He has become their scapegoat. So they are reinforced for telling on him when he makes noises etc. Now the kid who does constant humming and about drove Q out of his skull last year did not get kicked out of the class. The one who sings this monotone, repeated phrase: beeepop a you pop....since fourth grade and bullies Q is there... and of course you know now Q sings that monotone sounding phrase far more and frequently than N ever did in the classes...

But he learns very little in a mainstream class... well he learns a lot actually. A lot of social things, and really a lot of academic stuff too but not at the same level as the other kids and he can't read and do the work at their level. No way to continue to build on his level of reading and math because it is so far below and writing??? this kid still pretty much writes one or two words and expects you to fill in the blanks unless he is being coached to write full sentences and vary the subject (I must have thousands of reports on I like nascar. Nascar is fun. etc)

yup, I get it, he is not easy.