I have been absent for a bit, watching grandkids, working my jungle garden and busy with granddaughter who is in the height of her teenage years, a junior now and doing quite well in school.
Just came back from a two week visit with mom and sisters. New England in the fall is so beautiful. Mom will be 91 and has dementia and health issues, it is difficult to leave, being so far away is hard.
Dealt with an excruciating stomach flu upon coming home but feel much better. Glad I didn’t get hit on the long plane trip home.
The phone rang yesterday, Rain is back in the hospital, been there for about 5 days. She has lived on the streets addicted to meth for over ten years and it has taken its toll. I pulled myself together and went to visit. This time around it’s not the leg infection, it’s years of unchecked diabetes, high blood pressure and God only knows what else due to meth use and street life. She arrived at the hospital in kidney failure, lungs full of fluids and her heart on the cusp of failure as well. She has responded to treatment and medications, but doctor said if her kidneys don’t improve, she is looking at dialysis in a year or two. She needs to stop the meth and follow up with cardiac care. Sigh.
Rain said this health event has scared her enough to do something, but who knows? She will be released as soon as they control the fluid retention and find the right medications. Probably within the next couple of days. Her pattern has been to disappear off into the streets again and not follow through with treatment. As I write this, I am kind of in a numb state, reviewing the sad reality in my mind and trying to breath through the initial reaction of wanting to scoop her up and offer to bring her home.
That’s what any mother would do right?
That’s the harsh part of this reality, I am not just any mother. I am the mother of two meth addicted daughters who have over and again abandoned themselves and their families to meth use and street life. I am the mother of three well children and grandmother of nine, great grandmother of soon to be six. I am the grandmother of a beautiful 16 year old in my care, who deserves to live in a peaceful, secure home, as do I. I am a mother who has been there, done that with the addiction not so merry go round, the drama and trauma of it all. And still I grapple with the hard reality that I can’t bring my extremely ill first born home.
Thank you Copa. This is the reality. My daughter, if she chooses, can get a free phone, she can get help from social services, she can get free taxi rides to appointments, has state medical insurance, plus can get on SSI now that she has been diagnosed with heart and kidney disease. She can get fast tracked into medical housing for homeless in her situation. Whether or not she does this, is up to her. She is 45 years old, an adult, not a child.
On top of all of this, I just learned that Tornado, released from jail two weeks ago for probation ordered rehab, left rehab and is back on the streets. I am sad, but honestly, not surprised. It has been her pattern for six years. I told her in her last call from jail that I would not be putting money into a phone account if she ended up leaving rehab. She has a bench warrant and will eventually be picked up, as she is well known in the system. She knows the repercussions. For now, the on again off again contact, the glimpses of sobriety and the return to meth use has been an emotional yo-yo that is just.too.much. I do realize that I may change my mind about contact and that’s okay. It is the nature of this beast we deal with, addiction, sobriety, relapse and walking the thin line between loving our adult children, detachment, guarding our hearts, our sanity, our peace of mind.
As Copa said in the same post I quoted “We are not things, we are souls.”
I have long thought and written that meth is a soul snatcher. The victims are not only those addicted, but also family members who become disillusioned into thinking that sacrificing themselves will bring about change in their loved ones choices to use. It doesn’t.
Meth has ensnared my daughters and I must bolster up the strength to once again, stand firm and let God and let go. As I write this, I am also cognizant of how difficult this is.
I am extremely thankful that I am able to reach out to the kind souls here who understand all too well this journey. I have been on this path for years and have friends and family that are tired of hearing these stories. There are those who wonder why “I just won’t bring my girls home”. For those of you who have followed along, please know I am deeply grateful for the opportunity to share my heart and thoughts. I apologize for the “trauma dump”.
I wish we all didn’t have to carry this burden. But here we are. So, I will write this as a hope and prayer, may God watch over our wayward beloveds and give us the strength to carry on and go forth and grow with grace.
Amen.
New Leaf
