New Leaf
Well-Known Member
Hello dear friends,
First of all, I want to thank you all for your kind words and prayers. I am eternally grateful for each and every one of you on this site.
It has been such a shock with my health issue and I have been through quite the emotional, physical and spiritual rollercoaster.
I am blessed to be here on this earth still.
Went to the ER 10/18 after suffering the night prior with excruciating stomach pain, thinking that I would be treated then released. Had a CT scan and was informed I had a “mass”. The word echoed through my head. “You will need to stay the night and prep for a colonoscopy, set up for tomorrow and possibly surgery afterwards.”
I was six hours in the ER and a nurse who had been there when I arrived, was back for his next shift commented to a coworker “She’s still here?” The reply “She has a mass.”
They finally wheeled me up to a room and as I left the ER, the staff peered out from their work stations and whispered that word “mass”. It was a bizarre feeling, between shock and morphine I had no chance to swallow the enormity of it. The route through the ER was like the scene from “The Green Mile” as workers popped up from their seats to see the “lady with the mass….”
Prepped all night with Metamucil, 14 doses to be exact. One has to do what one has to do.
The colonoscopy revealed a blockage and the doctor said “You need surgery”. Gulp.
So, the remainder of 10/19 is sort of a blur as I tried to prepare myself for what was in store for me that Sunday.
The surgeon came in (with cowboy boots on) and explained that he would do robotic surgery. “Sign here and here.” I remember asking him if I would end up with a bag and he said he didn’t think so.Thats pretty much the gist of what I understood about the pending “emergency surgery”. No time to contemplate, or ask for a second opinion.
Surgery, 10/20 (interestingly Tornados birthday).
It was so strange being rolled into the operating room, the machine looming above. The table they had me slide onto was much narrower than in tv shows, and sticky, like contact paper. I felt them strap my legs down, then it was lights out till I woke up in the recovery room.
“Are you in pain?” The nurse asked, I’ll give you some more medications, this is the good stuff, they don’t have this upstairs.” Fentanyl. He walked away then swung round shouting at me to breathe. As he monitored me in the recovery room, we got to chatting a bit and I found out he paddled canoe as a youngster, turned out he was one of the many kids I helped coach.
The nurses were amazingly kind and attentive, I am glad I went to a smaller hospital. My Cowboy Doctor came in and let me know that the surgery went well, the mass was isolated in my colon, no sign of cancer in my abdomen and he was able to harvest around 20 lymph nodes for pathology. “I want you up and walking” he said sternly.
So I got up and gingerly walked around the hospital floor with my iv pole, still trying to fathom what happened. Monday on a liquid diet, Tuesday, more solids, which was difficult to digest, Wednesday released home. Sunday back in the ER with infected incision.
They took out about a third of my colon. My brother told me I now have a “semicolon.”
If you have followed along this far, I apologize for the lengthy and graphic report. I suppose I am writing it out as a release, a reminder and also a warning to everyone to get your colonoscopy scheduled! Yes, it is a hassle and inconvenience, but much less so than what I, and so many others have been through.
I was late for my follow up, by about two years, time and circumstances got in the way.
Should’ve, could’ve, would’ve.
I am much better today, slowly healing and more able to care for myself and my home.
Fortunately, the pathology report revealed that I do not have to do chemo, or radiation. I will be having cat scans routinely every three months for a year, colonoscopy at the year mark, then tapering to 6 month cat scans and check ups.
It is a new beginning for me.
These last 6 weeks of recovery have been challenging. I have always been the “helper”, so being dependent on others has been a very different experience. My little sister flew over to take care of me and my home, that was an enormous blessing. My well children organized to help out as well. Tornado showed up one afternoon, then went MIA again, Rain also came over but is still out there somewhere.
Not going to lie, I have had my moments of discouragement and frustration. It will be a road to fully recover but I am determined to get back to normal, somehow.
One thing this has shown me about my two wayward daughters (again) is that no matter what is going on in my life, they will still choose as they do. I write the “again” because the same was true when my late hubs fell ill and was in and out of the hospital. Even when he passed, it was not earth shaking enough for them to stop using meth, living on the streets.
They have their lives to live, their choices to make, as do we all.
No amount of stress or worry will change that.
It is up to them to want differently. I still wrestle with all the feelings as they walk out of my door, back to their choices, but I know that I cannot house them as long as they choose as they do.
I have thrown years of my life away, desperately trying to change their course. It did not make a difference and only brought chaos to my home.
Our lives matter too.
As I recover and travel this new journey, I am reminded how precious life is, how every breath counts. I hope that my two waywards will one day see their light and choose sobriety, but that is up to them. I can only love them and turn my worries to prayers. Worrying only causes stress and anxiety which is detrimental to health and well being. Prayers work to calm my aching heart and focus on the blessings I have.
Hoping that all of us find peace within ourselves.
It is not an easy thing to achieve, but we are worth the work towards serenity. Life is too short to be continuously vexed over circumstances out of our control.
Mahalo nui loa for your well wishes and prayers.
Malama pono.
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf
First of all, I want to thank you all for your kind words and prayers. I am eternally grateful for each and every one of you on this site.
It has been such a shock with my health issue and I have been through quite the emotional, physical and spiritual rollercoaster.
I am blessed to be here on this earth still.
Went to the ER 10/18 after suffering the night prior with excruciating stomach pain, thinking that I would be treated then released. Had a CT scan and was informed I had a “mass”. The word echoed through my head. “You will need to stay the night and prep for a colonoscopy, set up for tomorrow and possibly surgery afterwards.”
I was six hours in the ER and a nurse who had been there when I arrived, was back for his next shift commented to a coworker “She’s still here?” The reply “She has a mass.”
They finally wheeled me up to a room and as I left the ER, the staff peered out from their work stations and whispered that word “mass”. It was a bizarre feeling, between shock and morphine I had no chance to swallow the enormity of it. The route through the ER was like the scene from “The Green Mile” as workers popped up from their seats to see the “lady with the mass….”
Prepped all night with Metamucil, 14 doses to be exact. One has to do what one has to do.
The colonoscopy revealed a blockage and the doctor said “You need surgery”. Gulp.
So, the remainder of 10/19 is sort of a blur as I tried to prepare myself for what was in store for me that Sunday.
The surgeon came in (with cowboy boots on) and explained that he would do robotic surgery. “Sign here and here.” I remember asking him if I would end up with a bag and he said he didn’t think so.Thats pretty much the gist of what I understood about the pending “emergency surgery”. No time to contemplate, or ask for a second opinion.
Surgery, 10/20 (interestingly Tornados birthday).
It was so strange being rolled into the operating room, the machine looming above. The table they had me slide onto was much narrower than in tv shows, and sticky, like contact paper. I felt them strap my legs down, then it was lights out till I woke up in the recovery room.
“Are you in pain?” The nurse asked, I’ll give you some more medications, this is the good stuff, they don’t have this upstairs.” Fentanyl. He walked away then swung round shouting at me to breathe. As he monitored me in the recovery room, we got to chatting a bit and I found out he paddled canoe as a youngster, turned out he was one of the many kids I helped coach.
The nurses were amazingly kind and attentive, I am glad I went to a smaller hospital. My Cowboy Doctor came in and let me know that the surgery went well, the mass was isolated in my colon, no sign of cancer in my abdomen and he was able to harvest around 20 lymph nodes for pathology. “I want you up and walking” he said sternly.
So I got up and gingerly walked around the hospital floor with my iv pole, still trying to fathom what happened. Monday on a liquid diet, Tuesday, more solids, which was difficult to digest, Wednesday released home. Sunday back in the ER with infected incision.
They took out about a third of my colon. My brother told me I now have a “semicolon.”
If you have followed along this far, I apologize for the lengthy and graphic report. I suppose I am writing it out as a release, a reminder and also a warning to everyone to get your colonoscopy scheduled! Yes, it is a hassle and inconvenience, but much less so than what I, and so many others have been through.
I was late for my follow up, by about two years, time and circumstances got in the way.
Should’ve, could’ve, would’ve.
I am much better today, slowly healing and more able to care for myself and my home.
Fortunately, the pathology report revealed that I do not have to do chemo, or radiation. I will be having cat scans routinely every three months for a year, colonoscopy at the year mark, then tapering to 6 month cat scans and check ups.
It is a new beginning for me.
These last 6 weeks of recovery have been challenging. I have always been the “helper”, so being dependent on others has been a very different experience. My little sister flew over to take care of me and my home, that was an enormous blessing. My well children organized to help out as well. Tornado showed up one afternoon, then went MIA again, Rain also came over but is still out there somewhere.
Not going to lie, I have had my moments of discouragement and frustration. It will be a road to fully recover but I am determined to get back to normal, somehow.
One thing this has shown me about my two wayward daughters (again) is that no matter what is going on in my life, they will still choose as they do. I write the “again” because the same was true when my late hubs fell ill and was in and out of the hospital. Even when he passed, it was not earth shaking enough for them to stop using meth, living on the streets.
They have their lives to live, their choices to make, as do we all.
No amount of stress or worry will change that.
It is up to them to want differently. I still wrestle with all the feelings as they walk out of my door, back to their choices, but I know that I cannot house them as long as they choose as they do.
I have thrown years of my life away, desperately trying to change their course. It did not make a difference and only brought chaos to my home.
Our lives matter too.
As I recover and travel this new journey, I am reminded how precious life is, how every breath counts. I hope that my two waywards will one day see their light and choose sobriety, but that is up to them. I can only love them and turn my worries to prayers. Worrying only causes stress and anxiety which is detrimental to health and well being. Prayers work to calm my aching heart and focus on the blessings I have.
Hoping that all of us find peace within ourselves.
It is not an easy thing to achieve, but we are worth the work towards serenity. Life is too short to be continuously vexed over circumstances out of our control.
Mahalo nui loa for your well wishes and prayers.
Malama pono.
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf
and more importantly whilst minding yourself (this is paramount, sounds like you have neglected doing this for far too long), that you get freedom and peace for some well needed healing
