Reeling a bit

[toughlovin]

Hi Everyone,

OK it might be time for me to work a bit more on detachment. I have been advocating for him with the jail because my son claims they give the medications at 4am and he is not getting up for them. I went to drug court with my son today and had a good talk with her person looking for a placement for him. She is working hard to find him a place.

So then during drug court hte judge asked my son what his drug of choice was and he answered heroin!!! Shoot!! On the one hand I am not surprised and on the other hand I am shocked because I really didnt think it had gotten that far!!

Then I talked to my contact at the jail who was very nice and he has his case manager working with my difficult child... and her feeling is my son is not really serious about getting help!!! Doesnt really think he has a substance abuse problem. Really and heroin is your drug of choice? And apparently he drinks a lot of alcohol. Oh come on!!

I am feeling rather disgusted at this point. We cant all work harder at this than he is!!! He has all these people bending over backwards to help him and he is not willing to do his part?

I dont know but earlier I was feeling stunned and now I am feeling kind of mad!!

Meanwhile tomorrow I take my easy child off to college!! Exciting and bittersweet.

TL

 

[Calamity Jane]

Dear TL,
I wholeheartedly agree with the first sentence in your post, and I hope you do everything in your power to really make the most of the last sentence!
I'm so sorry about the heroin...understandably you're shocked and furious. It's just so frustrating as you say to work harder than them for their own benefit.

Enjoy every minute of your time tomorrow with your daughter, and I know how bittersweet it is. Don't worry, she will be back home soon enough!

 

[BusynMember]

Hon, I feel so badly for you because I know the shock of thinking "it's just pot" and it's......(name the heavy duty drug)!!!! You have GOT to remember that 100 people can not help your son stop using drugs. One person can stop him. That one person is the only person in the world who can stop him. Of course, that is himself.

Have you gone to any Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings? I think they could really help you because the folks there have either been there and survived it or are going through the same thing and they understand.

Hugs and I'm sorry you had to be shocked that way.

 

[Nancy]

Oh TL I can imagine how the heroin part was a kick in the stomach. Reminds we of when difficult child was in rehab and on parent day they told us to be prepared to be shocked about what drugs our difficult children admitted to in group. I watched so many parents visibly react when they found their loved ones were doing heroin.

I don't have to tell you that it's time to detach, you know that. He hasn't ever been serious about stopping. I don't even have any suggestions for you at this point, except to take your easy child to college and be excited!

 

[PatriotsGirl]

(((HUGS))) I SO remember when I heard the words crystal meth. Devastating. I am so sorry.

MWM and Nancy are right. He has never been serious and he is the only one that can do anything. It took me a LONG time to realize and accept that I am truly, truly powerless. We all are. No one can get clean but them. THEY have to want it. THEY have to do the work. We can't get clean for them and even though we want it so bad for them - it doesn't change a thing. I honestly feel that the BEST thing I have done is back off and not try to "save" her anymore.

Take your easy child to college. Enjoy every moment of being with HER. Remember, you don't get that moment back. I know how badly I ached to experience that with my daughter...please savor it.

 

[toughlovin]

Thanks everyone. I have been going to Alanon for almost two years and it has been invaluable to me. I have come a long long way and am continuing on with my life.... this round of events had me trying to advocate for him.... and he really scared me when he was clearly suicidal a month ago. I sort of got hit with there are mental health issues here as well as substance abuse. I know there is nothing I can do about his substance abuse but darn it I was going to advocate for him to get mental health treatment!!

Then today I found out that heroin is in the mix which I didnt really know... and on top of that he is not doing what he needs to do in jail to get help for himself.... and I am back to beng fed up and needing to detach.

I am going to focus on my daughter tomorrow. I have decided I will either leave my phone in the car or not answer it if he calls. My husband and I are going away on vacation in a week and i was feeling sort of mixed about that, but at the moment I am really glad we are going.

Thanks for all your support.... the heroin thing really got to me. I knew my son would use anything, and I knew he had snorted heroin before but to hear him admit it was his drug of choice made it clear that is his addiction.... and then to hear he doesnt think he has a substance abuse problem is just mind boggling.

TL

 

[Kathy813]

TL, I am so sorry. I know exactly how it feels to hear that your child has been using heroin. As much as I hate to admit it, if your difficult child doesn't think he has a substance abuse problem, he has no motivation to stop. You have given him so many opportunities to get help. There really isn't anything left that you haven't tried.

I agree that detaching is your only option at this point.

{{{Hugs}}}

~Kathy

 

[toughlovin]

Arghhh.... can I just scream!!! I just had the worst conversation with difficult child. He called.... he claims he lied to the judge about heroin use, that he has been exaggerating his drug use for the last 5 years because that is the only way you can get into treatment!!! I said well if you lied to the judge that was stupid, why would you do that... and he went on about how screwed up they all are and they just want to put you in jail. It was just a crazy conversation... he sounds hopeless and like he has no interest in really helping himself. He claims he hasnt lied to me in quite a while and I told him I didnt know when to believe him because he has lied to me so much and if he says one thing to the judge and another to me how the heck do I know who to believe? He just has a really messed up view of the world and himself and there is nothing I can do about it... and it was so frustrating because we ran out of time as we were talking. Argghhhhh ok I am going to take some deep breaths and enjoy watching some TV with my husband.

TL

 

[pasajes4]

TL. I love you more than you will ever know. I have been crying non stop for three days wondering what else can I do to help my 17 year old , he is in a juvenile correctional treatement center...had been doing well and is now blowing it, and you hit it spot on. I am doing all of the work right now. The going got tough and he quit trying. I can stop wringing my hands and going nuts and let him figure out what he needs to do.

You my friend have saved my sanity.

 

[Signorina]

Hang tough TL, enjoy your vacation and your easy child's next step to adulthood.

My h often reminds me that yes we have many things to resolve (in life, w difficult child or whatever) but there is no need to resolve them RIGHT NOW. We can deal with things as they come.

 

[toughlovin]

Thanks all and passajes... I am glad my experience can help give you clarity.

So I had a good day moving in my easy child daughter to college! It feels so good to feel really happy and good about how my kid is doing.. yes it is a bit bittersweet but really it is so good in contrast to my feelings about difficult child.

I am still really worried about my difficult child but am going to have to keep saying the serenity prayer because I really dont think there is anything I can do. I think it is time to let the system work or not.... you cant make someone live or do anything if they dont really want to. I do hope that somehow he at least gets back on his medications properly... but even that I think I have done all i can do. I am just going to keep being honest with the drug court people about what I know and let them take it from there.

TL

 

[Nancy]

Glad you got easy child moved in. That was bittersweet for me too, never got to do that with difficult child. It's just an awful feeling to have to resign yourself to the fact that there is nothing more you can do. You are in my thoughts as always TL.

 

[lovemysons]

TL,
I am so glad you got to experience a happy "first" with your easy child daughter! by the way, am curious about what she is studying or think she might want as a career? My easy child daughter is studying psychology and I know she has a need to care for the sick and "afflicted" of the world...I think it comes from having difficult child brothers.

I DO so hope your difficult child son will get serious one of these days and work with the opportunities given to him.
Never know when (or what) it will "take".

Hugs,
LMS

 

[DammitJanet]

Glad you got to take easy child to college and had fun. There are certain major milestones that I have missed out on in life and they do get to me from time to time. I never got the experience of being taken to college and living in a dorm and I really regret it now. I also never got my dad to walk me down the isle and I had to watch him do that with an older step-daughter and I was so hurt deep inside. Also none of my kids left for college though one left for the military. My oldest did graduate and get an associates but he lived here the whole time. I am proud of him for that though. Youngest...well sigh...the only graduation picture I have is from his Head Start graduation. I would have never dreamed of that back then but I cherish it now.

 

[toughlovin]

LMS - yes it is psychology!! It is a natural for her and she loved the subject when she was in HS but I also think having a difficult child for a brother adds to her interest.

and Janet I know what you mean about missing out on firsts. I feel some of that about various things too... and it is nice to get to experience these things with her.

TL

 

[Kathy813]

I understand, TL. I remember taking easy child to college and getting her dorm room set up. It does make you think about your difficult child and how they are missing that opportunity.

Even though my difficult child wants to go back to school, the experience will be so different for her.

Bittersweet like Nancy said.

~Kathy