Rent Support

[Copabanana]

In requiring a market rent, my intention, in part, is to limit the funds he has to buy marijuana. If he decides to smoke rather than eat, that is his problem, not my own.

The problem is that M, my SO, cannot bear to see him hungry. M was hungry as a child. He cannot bear that anybody else is.

 

[UpandDown]

Copa and RN, I have been following along with the difficulties you both have with your son. Your advice and struggles have helped me to think of things I may not yet have faced. I take pieces of everyones stories and apply them to my families life with difficult son. These are the only things that get me through and are solid advice. Parents/Grandparents who have been there/done that. I have been working on detaching bit by bit. For years, I have been working on fixing and solving and finding another new way to motivate or help my son. I am really beginning to feel done. He has made progress yet the common theme is that he when he is in pain, all bets are off. Its as if he wants to make everyone around him hurt like he does. For example, he has come to the conclusion that although he loves the high of marijuana, he needs to stop. He said he knows it kills his motivation and that if he is going to achieve his goals,he needs to stop. Great right?! Yes BUT he is a monster when he is withdrawing. I do know that technically weed is not physically addicting but believe me there is withdrawal. All those emotions he stuffed down with weed, comes up with a vengeance. He can't eat AT ALL. And he is irritable. and very very depressed. So in I swoop with suggestions on getting extra support to cope, making him healthy shakes because thats all he can stomach, suggestions on exercise, etc. I pay extra for in between visits with therapist. All the while, I become the target of his pain. Its awful. I know he is suffering and it breaks my heart. But during this time, he makes our home an awful place to be. Yelling and telling me over and over again that he wants to die. Agrees to take medication but abruptly stops for some reason or another. Won't take any advice. And then when enough time goes by, weeks or days he decides to smoke again. And all is well. And he is happy and expects us all to forget. We have been through this twice since December when he ruined our vacation because he couldn't smoke. He is sober now for about 5 days. I re read this and I sound heartless. I know he is suffering and needs help. But the closer he gets to 18, the closer I get to the full realization that I can't do anything for him. He either agrees to help himself and follow all the way through or not. I just need my stomach out of knots so I can be a mom to my other children. So in a nutshell that is why subsidizing rent sounds very attractive and about all I can do.

 

[Copabanana]

Well, this is what happens to me. As the years go by it is worse:

Its as if he wants to make everyone around him hurt like he does.

I become the target of his pain. Its awful.

Sometimes I think I made a crucial misstep when I let him come home from Job Corps 10 years ago. I cannot say I did for sure because who knows what would have been down the road not traveled. But for sure this road has been littered with dead bodies--mine.

So in a nutshell that is why subsidizing rent sounds very attractive and about all I can do.

Are you rejecting out of hand the idea of Job Corps? It seems to me that your plan while appealing rewards him for being impossible, and takes away the necessity that I see in life which is to be productive, get along with other people and regulate one's emotions to the extent that one can do so.

I would consider Job Corps and I would consider trying to get him to some dual diagnosis residential treatment program, that deals with mentally ill people who are substance abusers. If he can get into one that is community-based he could transition to satellite housing. They would help him apply for SSI, and subsidized housing down the road.

The thing is he may well be able to work. That is why I mention Job Corps and Voc Rehab. My son went to college more than a year, and he worked steadily for 15 months. While I can see that his symptoms may have worsened, I also see that he very much likes doing nothing, having no responsibilities, and devoting his life to pot use. Of course these things are consistent with mental illness, but they do not preclude work or goals of some sort.

That is what I would fear if you pay rent to get him out of the house. It may set things up that he is your dependent and that there are not expectations for him, and that he should not have them for himself. I have gone down the long road of conditions and expectations, of which I am the Queen. They do not work.

Take care.

 

[UpandDown]

Copa,
Not rejecting the idea of job corps at all. I think it sounds like a great option. I have looked before at those options and will dig a little deeper. You are very helpful in looking at all sides. His therapist is also researching places he could live like group homes, as you say satellite housing.

 

[Copabanana]

Upanddown? Did I tell you that my son went to Job Corps when he was 18? I think I must have. Some of the trainings are fantastic: like LVN, and electrician, computer programming I think. If I were me and I still had some control I would get my son to Voc Rehab now or pay a vocational rehabilitation specialist to find out your son's aptitudes and limitations to determine the best likelihood of success for him.

I cannot believe how misguided and in the clouds I was. I decided that my son could be a nurse. While he is highly intelligent and compassionate and does like science, he is among the most forgetful and disorganized of people. Immediately he latched onto the letters, NP (nurse practitioner) telling himself and others that he was working towards this career goal.

This is when I realized I really had a problem--or he did--because he maintained that he was becoming an NP while doing not one thing to work towards the goal. It is almost as if the lacks the executive cognitive function to see that a life is composed of step by step sequencing of tasks.

It is funny now (except I am not going ha, ha, ha) that he does have interest in and aptitude for going back to college. He knows enough by experience of what it entails. And yet he is afraid, I think. He may be beginning to understand what it is to have a goal. Perhaps. Or maybe his hesitancy is because he knew always that this was my goal--and by doing so, he empowers me, not himself.

Honestly, Upanddown. sometimes I think I am going backward not forward. And I think this expressly related to having any expectations at all that he will treat me like a human being. You see my son is kind and compassionate. He is loving. Except when he is not. And I fall into the trap. Always.

 

[BusynMember]

Up and Down, I dated a man who was a pot addict and quit when he had a baby. Or his ex wife had a baby . Anyway he said he was so psychologically addicted that he saw a drug counselor for a year. He had smoked constantly for years. He had urges to smoke it especially at certain times.

The good news is he did quit. When on.pot his only jobs were running carnival rides. Seriously. Thats all he did then.Once he quit he quadropled his salary in one year, got an office job in Quality Control and was a fantastic dad to his little girl. His motivation returned and he grew up.

Its not a lark to quit but he did quit and and for him that changed everything for the better.

Now he trashes pot and sees what it did to him. But he didnt see the damage until he quit. Many pot smokers dont see what it does to them until they stop.

 

[mof]

Upanddown,

He's just not only unheAlthy for him, but toxic for your family. I hope you find options you all can live with, he definitely self medicating, and can't continue as he is. And we all k ow how long. It takes them to grow up.!!!

A man child is really no fun!

 

[StillStanding]

My idea was to share his rent, not pay it outright. Unfortunately, with his history it's hard for my son to find jobs that pay enough for him to live on.

 

[Copabanana]

Unfortunately, with his history it's hard for my son to find jobs that pay enough

Well. There are a number of parents who post here that do subsidize rent. I have. And I know some other parents do too.

And my own son is not showing the good faith as is your son, by working. The balance is in giving a hand up as opposed to carrying him, and removing the incentive for him to do more and try harder.

Except as I see it, this way of thinking of mine is both unrealistic and in some ways harsh and judgmental.

I have to remind myself that we are different people, my son and I, on different life paths with different values. The incentive for my son will not come from deprivation....

I would help my son with the rent if I were you. If it proves to be not helpful you can renegotiate. You can tell him it is a short-term subsidy. Are you talking about an apartment for himself or a room share? With your contribution could you help him get a slightly bigger apartment where he can share with somebody else, and have the control? And the extra rent coming in would cover his additional expense so you would not have to be on the hook?

 

[StillStanding]

Copa,

He could afford a shared apartment with some help. If he didn't make his share, he would be short for rent. I think I will help him. He needs to take his time and find a room mate that isn't into the party lifestyle.

 

[Copabanana]

StillStanding, I would do it in a heartbeat. No matter what I wrote above, in case I am contradicting myself (it is easy to think you know something about somebody else's kid) I would do it. He is working. That to me is majorly important. And I believe it is the right thing for him to see you helping him, when he is helping himself.

I am glad you decided this way. Your son is young. It sounds like he is wising up and trying. Good for him and good for you.

Take care. Let us know how it goes.

 

[StillStanding]

Thank you Copa. He's going to start looking for a "sober" room mate.

 

[AppleCori]

SS,

It sounds like you are offering your son a temporary hand-up, not a hand-out. We all have done that, with both difficult and non-difficult adult kids.

I would have no problem helping a young person get a fresh start, if it seemed like it would really help, and they were holding up their end of the bargain.

Has he looked into renting a room rather than a whole apartment? My D.C. step-son has lived in several of those. Currently, he is renting the top floor of a house in which the owner, a single man, lives. He has a bedroom and bathroom on the top floor, and shares the kitchen downstairs. It seems to be working out well.

Craig's List, and other local message boards, are a good place to find situations like that, which are often much cheaper than an apartment, which works well for a lower-income person to live long-term.

Hope everything works out for your son! Often, a low-paying job will work into a better job, if he is diligent and patient.

Apple

 

[AppleCori]

Up & Down,

If the therapist is looking into group living facilities, it sounds like he is of the opinion that your son is not ready to live on his own and support himself, at least not yet.

Has he explored the possibility of Social Services, SSI, and other forms of help, so you don't have to shoulder this alone, and your son can be as independent as possible?

Apple

 

[Copabanana]

Social Services, SSI, and other forms of help, so you don't have to shoulder this alone, and your son can be as independent as possible?

SSI can act as a support or supplement, where a certain amount of money can be earned each month while not affecting or minimally affecting the payment. The amount differs from state to state depending upon the cost of living. I think the range is between 600 and 900 typically. If son has a documented history of serious mental illness he could well qualify.

And schooling and job training is entirely permitted if this is something that interests him. And do not at all affect eligibility as far as I know.