Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by strangeworld, Feb 11, 2018.

  1. strangeworld

    strangeworld Member

    I just feel resentful today. Toward everyone. First words from my husband's mouth was that someone with my parent's area code called at 7:30 and woke him. I didn't hear it. Turns out it was my mom. They have been on a trip out of country and I guess they just wanted to let me know they are safely back in the U.S., but 7:30 AM on a Sunday? Rude. So of course I need to ask kindly that they not call earlier than 9 AM. But I don't know how. I see that I fear confrontation more than I should. I am starting to learn something about myself... how I put myself last. I have a right to bring up phone call. I have a right to my happiness.
    Feeling resentful today. I don't want to hear about their fantastic trip. I am being selfish. I love them dearly and they have been nothing but supportive. I don't really know why I'm posting this here but I guess I just appreciate the support I get from those who understand. Feeling disconnected from friends too these days. All the emotions we go through witnessing our d kids can just taint every area of our life. I know that if my daughter was on a good path I would be excited to talk to my parents. How sad is that...and selfish?

    I want to learn to accept myself if I have a down day. Want to stop resenting others who don't get it. Want to be happy for others when their kids do well. Truth is I feel like everyone either braggs or complains about stupid things. I want to be less resentful so I can love myself and others and be truly happy to hear all the wonderful things in their lives. Hope one day I can do this .
  2. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    SW I am sorry you are having a hard day. I have my fair share too.
    I feel it is my heart and mind signaling that I need some "me" time.
    We are on difficult journeys, all of us here.
    It is no wonder that we will have blue days, and times when you just cannot hear one more time how "little Suzy or Johnny have grown up to be fine, independent well rounded young adults."
    Oh, gag me with a spoon, how blessed you are...........
    yup, that is me sometimes, nice kind Leafy, just fed up with the bs from my two and wishing they would freakin see the light......... Then there are conversations at work on college and career success, or how someones kid just bought a beautiful home.
    I am like
    sometimes........well, that's inside my head while my face smiles and I am truly happy for them but............
    there is the awkward pause, because there is not much for me to add to the conversation.

    Oh....heres a real way to make a room go silent "Well, Rain just moved to a better park and has a boyfriend with a truck, so at least she has a "roof" over her head" (Play "Were Movin' On the background.)

    Yup, I know how you feel. is okay.
    Completely understandable.
    I do not think it is selfish at all.
    Sometimes we really just need to get away from it all.
    Find time for yourself and don't feel guilty about it SW. It is important to keep up your strength and let your feelings out, release the pent up anxiety and just have some "down" time.
    I do it.
    It is necessary for me to acknowledge my own feelings and take time to destress.
    Or cry and lament.
    Red faced, runny nose and all.
    I think it is unhealthy to keep it in and go round pretending I am okay.
    I will hole myself up in my house and turn off my phone. I just don't want to be around people when I feel yucky inside.
    I think it is alright to wait to talk with your folks when you feel up to it.
    That is a part of self care we people pleasers often overlook.
    How WE feel.
    Honor your feelings and take time for yourself.
    You matter!
  3. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Having those feelings too. Today at church was the college scholarship fund raiser luncheon. There was a choir of 30 young people from our nearby church denomination college. And the speaker was a young man looking at going in to the ministry.

    When DGDs were young and attended with us, this was a fun day! They would both want to attend this school...they talked to the college students, ate in the fellowship hall, picked up lanyards, pens notepads from the different colleges.

    I had dreamed they would attend one of these schools, participate in the choirs. The one that performed today just got back from a 3 week trip to Europe, performing in famous cathedrals.

    Then friends who we haven't seen for a while will ask what they are doing....uhh...avoiding funding a job...only gets dressed up with makeup so she looks cute while she SnapChats. Her sister, is busy smoking weed, when she thinks she can get away with it.

    Sigh... Ksm. Hang in there!
  4. strangeworld

    strangeworld Member

    Leafy, thanks for this. I so needed it. As I chuckle only because I GET IT. Can relate. I actually thought this exact thing when my daughter was on and off MIA in spring of 2016 (the worst time of my life....once didn't text or hear from her for 3 weeks) when she should have been going to school and preparing to graduate. Instead she was "living" w a boyfriend in his truck I sort of found out through one of her friends.
    A friend she no longer communicates with that I know of because my daughter has chosen to surround herself wirh druggies and this girl works, pays for her rent, blah blah. I am happy for her but she was one I worried about when they were around 10 years old. Wow was I way off. My straight A gifted daughter is the one living in a truck wirh a 23 year old. Well not now. She's here part time and who knows where the rest. Hopefully somewhere safe with walls and roof and without someone trying to take advantage of her. I wish the same for all our kids. Safety and a reason to get up in the morning and happiness. My daughter's reason atm is weed I am afraid. What a waste.

    KSM....thanks for another chuckle. It's of course not funny but so familiar.

    I'm starting to feel less resentful as I realize I am not so alone.
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  5. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Today at church, a friend dealing with an adult addict son, Said she saw saw a meme. It said... Since I gave up hope, I am feeling much better now.

    Sad. True.
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  6. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    I so get it. I really truly do. I don’t think a day goes by when I don’t see someone’s kid a similar age doing great things and feel some bitterness.

    Even though Son is doing sooooo much better it isn’t what we pictured for him. He is in art school now, and we are over the moon happy he is sticking to it. Years ago we would have been embarrassed he was in “art school” and playing. And to be honest maybe a part of me still is.... I sometimes find myself saying “we are just happy he is happy” code for “we don’t know how the f$&@? He will actually support himself but he isn’t doing massive amounts of drugs so we are happy”

    I still feel resentment about his friends who weren’t as smart as him in school growing up and doing masters degrees and buying houses! My son is like a teenager. He dyed his hair green this week. I had a baby and a mortgage and a university degree at his age.

    It’s a parallel universe to the one we envisioned when they were young and it’s hard not to feel bitter and jealous sometimes. I get it.
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  7. strangeworld

    strangeworld Member

    At this point I would love if she went to art school. It might give you some relief to know I am a working self employed artist myself so I am biased I guess. Had the best two years of my career 2016 and 2017. It is extremely difficult for most peiple to make a living doing art I agree but now with the internet it is easy to get tons of exposure.

    I have to keep reminding myself that my mother was in tears with me at my daughter's age too but I was at least in college and doing somewhat "normal" thigs on my days off from drinking. I look back with a lot of regrets but I was also in a band bringing in money on the weekends. And we survived. But I was so irresponsible and wreckless it makes me a little sick when I look back. But mt daughter is on a whole other level. I would never felt comfortable couch surfing or sleeping at park and not showering for daus....sometimes a couple weeks. This probably makes me the most sad of all. The hygene issues.

    Well I so appreciate your responses.
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  8. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    Oh we are over the moon be is in art school! But it’s so different from what we do, and so we never would have been originally. Sadly there is a stigma that artists don’t do well financially “starving artist” and we worry a bit for him. However we are so happy he is clean we don’t mind the green hair and art school. It’s who he is and maybe part of his issue has been trying to be more like us and feeling like a fraud. We are slowly learning!

    We love our son and want him to be happy. And he wasn’t happy when he was using.
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  9. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    This thread reminds me of my niece. She is a year younger than our son but she was always acted very odd. Her parents (my nephew and his wife) divorced when she was young. Mother was slutty and lived like a pig and we think her live in boyfriend may have sexually abused niece but could never prove it. The girl didn't even have sheets on her bed or curtains on the windows or anything that a young girl that age would need, let alone want. She NEVER smiled. Rarely talked at all. My sister (her grandmother) did try to make sure she had what she needed and even some fun stuff too. I always gave her nice gifts for her birthday and Christmas although I rarely saw her.

    My Difficult Child thought she was an odd duck too. They would often be thrown together when they were young (about 10/11 years old) at family gatherings etc. due to similar ages. She NEVER smiled for many years. There would be pics of her on FaceBook and she looked just terribly sad. No one ever took her for therapy etc.

    Fast forward to today. She is living with her grandmother, in nursing school, works at a restaurant as hostess and has a boyfriend who has a degree in marketing. She is 100% normal and adjusted.

    My son. In his umpteenth rehab. He has accomplished nothing in 22 years. I never would have believed it in a million years.

    I truly AM happy for my niece. I AM sad for our son.
  10. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    My hubby feels that way too, sometimes.

    College degrees are normal and expected in my hubby’s family.

    His nephew, who is the exact same age as our D C, is in medical school.

    Hubby just hates it when his mom goes on about all the great things all her other grandchildren are doing. He knows that his mom is not trying to make him feel bad, but he does anyway. And he does feel good about their accomplishments. He just wishes his kids were doing good things, too.
  11. SW - I so get what you’re saying. I have barely spoken to my oldest brother for almost 4 years because I dread what I would say when he asks after my son. He lives around a 4 hour drive away.
    His adult sons are very successful and he would never begin to understand what we are going through.
    I received his annual Christmas (bragging) letter about how fantastic everyone was doing and I didn’t read it for 2 days because it just magnifies my son’s mess of a life in my head. My husband and I joked about what we could put in our letter if we wrote one “Our son’s doing great - following eviction from the hostel and a couple of weeks of homelessness, he’s been housed with a heroin addict. His career in crime is really taking off”.
    My oldest brother has absolutely no idea of the problems we have. I have confided in my other brother though and he has been very supportive.
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  12. I also feel resentful. My son is a senior in high school this year. Just last year he was in the top 10% of his class with a scholarship on the way. Currently he is failing his "real" classes and at this moment in a drug rehab. He has been there for almost a week and is expected to be there 45-60 days. I seriously am not looking forward to him coming home. He has disrupted our home. I have lost hours of work. I physically feel sick all the time. He has gotten violent with us and himself. He has tore the house up and tries to be times I'm scared of him. He has stolen from family members and stolen from stores. He says to the therapist that he is not going to stop doing drugs.
    HA...he is refusing to even talk to me on the phone while he is there because he is ANGRY because I put him there. He is ANGRY!!! LMBO...Really? I look around and everyone else is enjoying their children completing their senior year...I know things going on with him are very serious and I am heartbroken over it, but at the same time I'm tired of it. He doesn't care what he is doing to the rest of the done...
  13. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Hi Sad,

    If you are just starting this journey and you son is so defiant, you may want to see a therapist for yourself that specializes in addiction who can help guide you through this. They usually get right back to it when they come home from rehab, especially when they are young and this is their first time. And he's pretty much said as much.

    Stay with us here on the forum. I have been here a while now and it has helped me tremendously. You can get a lot of support here and learn a lot too. You may even want to start your own thread. It does help (me) to journal.
  14. MissJuneBug

    MissJuneBug South of the Mason-Dixon Line

    My son had it all. Even his therapist in his current Rehab program told us the other day she can’t believe the young man sitting in front of her now was once an honors student at a great honors college, lived in Russia for a semester, #1 in his fraternity, won scholarships, etc. Now he is in deep denial about his addiction, comes across as confused at times and is not able to verbalize his thoughts well.

    I sometimes picture God looking down at me and say “you got a little too confident there, my friend.”

    All I know is there has to be a purpose to why we are all (parents and kids) on this journey, so far from where we expected to be. It’s not bad parenting, it’s not bad friends, it’s not that our kids are bad people. Maybe we are all being presented with an opportunity for personal growth that most people don’t achieve. Here’s hoping we find meaning in all this mess! :staystrong:
  15. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    A mix of tears and laughter here from me reading through this thread.

    Oh how I echo all of your comments.

    I am so happy you chuckled. I cord then I googled and then I laughed oneif those tear removing pain eliminating laughs that only comes from the kindred hearts on this sight.

    Leafy my cut and paste isn’t working on my phone tonight ....laugh laugh laugh. And a barrel full of hugs to you.

    Yes I too am in the camp of Let it all out. We do matter.

    We all matter. For whatever reason we are put into this madness, we must endure. Don’t let the bastards grind you down. Illegitimi non carborundum!!

    Big hugs for all!