So sorry for your need to be here and your distress dealing with your sons choices and consequences.
Rock bottom. We don’t have to hit it, but many of us have, including myself, more than once. I feel that we become conditioned into believing that we can rescue our adult children by “helping” them. It is in our nature to nurture our children, the line between helping and enabling becomes obscured. We get drawn into their choices and consequences and become just as sick as they are, they are desperately addicted to their drug of choice, and reap the consequences, we are desperate to see them in such a state and want more than anything for them to change. Unfortunately, we want change for them, more than they do. Many parents here have bent over backwards to try and help their wayward adult children. I was one. Rearranged my home many times to house my addicted daughter and three children. With that came all of the drama and mayhem that drug use promotes. My home was not our sanctuary anymore.
I finally said enough and closed that revolving door, but it took me several years to learn to cope and regulate my emotional response to my two addicted daughters choices. It took a lot of work and posting here, getting help from the good folks who have been there, done that.
Rock bottom was continuing in the desperation and believing anything I could do would help my two wake up and make changes.
I would visualize all sorts of catastrophic scenarios, and stress out over the “what ifs”. That is no way to live. I had to learn to let God and let go. When my mind drifts to that state, I pray. It helps tremendously.
Addicted adult children want to keep us in desperation, because then we are easily manipulated. I have come to realize that I am more of a thing, an “opportunity” than a mother to them. “When a person shows you who they are, believe them.” I have had to work hard at valuing myself, building myself up, so I don’t end up going down the rabbit hole with them.
What good is that? Why would we go through all of this emotional turmoil and stress over something we have absolutely no control over?
I believe that we have to work just as hard as our addicted loved ones in our own recovery, as they do if they decide to be clean and sober. We have value and worth. Self love is not selfish, it is essential. We need to learn to set boundaries and walk the walk that we hope and pray our wayward adult children will choose. That means saying no. Love says no. No, I will not go into the quicksand with you, physically, emotionally, financially. It is hard to take that first step, but completely necessary for our own well being. I truly believe that rather than continue to fall into the trap of desperation and “rescue mode” we are showing our adult children by example how they should love themselves. It is not cold hearted to set boundaries on a loved one who continues to live irresponsibly, and has an expectation for us to “help” them, to our own detriment. Stand up for yourself and your right to live with peace. Don’t wait for your son to wake up. We have to wake ourselves up and take steps to free ourselves from the macabre “merry go round” that wayward adult children would keep us on, so that they can get what they want. They want to continue to live as is, on our dime, the expense is way more than monetary, peace of mind, feeling guilty, obligated, the list goes on Not right, not fair. You have value and worth. Living in a state of desperation for someone else’s choices and consequences eats away at our heart and soul and degrades our lives. That is a parallel existence to what our wayward adult children choose. We do have a choice to pull up and out, and by doing that, show by example that they can too.
Hang in there and take some deep breaths. Find a way to switch focus on to how you can improve your health and state of mind.