Shadow Daughter

[New Leaf]

I'm so very sorry for what you are going through.

I'm exhausted too.

I'll pray for you and your shadow daughter.

Thank you DM. As I will pray for you and yours, and all of us. The Serenity Prayer

(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[New Leaf]

Our children seem to have a sixth sense when it comes to our emotional health. Just when we are getting to a good place in detaching from their drama, BAM we get the dreaded phone call. SUCK and we start to spiral into that dark, tight, soul crushing hell.

This is so true Pasa, so true.
The timing is impeccable.
I so hope that Rain will wake up and know her value and worth and choose a different path.

Working hard to lift myself back up and keep on keeping on.
It does not come easy, but it is not as devastating and long lasting as before.
Part of this is the change in me....but where is the happy medium?
It is a pattern of connect, hurt, disconnect, hurt.
It hurts to be there and it hurts not to.
I know that I cannot go and rescue her, it does not work.
I have told Hoku, if she calls again with the same scenario, that I will go.
It is not fair for her to have this upon her shoulders, or really, any of us.
I have just found out tonight that Tornado went to find her sister and try to convince her to go live with her.
Rain refused, said she loves this guy.
Sigh.
Choices.
She is making horrible choices. I will continue to hope and pray for her.
The story remains unfinished.
Thank you Pasa, for reaching out.
(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[savior no more]

Leafy -
I think the push and pull of wanting a relationship and then turning away from the relationship is the way my Difficult Child stays isolated. When I so desperately want him to be a part of the family he cannot stay around and be a part of. It's only when he can't come around - when he's locked up - that he desperately craves our company. Such a lonely, isolated abandoned spot to live in. I set this up for myself at times in different relationships. So desperately craving one thing I can't have but denying the 99 other things that are sitting at my feet. It to me boils down to the abandonment of self. My son has been taken several times to ER beaten up or overdosed. I cringed when I was doing my clinical's for my FNP every time I went in the ER hoping he would not show up beaten up or overdosed on my shift. Luckily that didn't happen. I also think that in the end it is always the mothers fault - in their eyes and society's. My thoughts of healing detachment for you and healing love to your daughter.

 

[detachingmother]

think the push and pull of wanting a relationship and then turning away from the relationship is the way my Difficult Child stays isolated. When I so desperately want him to be a part of the family he cannot stay around and be a part of. It's only when he can't come around - when he's locked up - that he desperately craves our company.

I totally relate! I do the same, isolate too at times. It works both ways. Son does too. In jail now, desperate for our attention. Part of me says though, it's so he can survive there...he needs commissary money, stamps, phone calls, ya know? Makes me wonder if he even calls because he craves love, or craves just money...Sad, I just don't know...maybe a little of both...I don't know.

 

[New Leaf]

Savior, you have been through so much. Thank you for taking the time to share your experience. It is a bizarre world we are navigating....we need special survival skills, for sure. How to continue to lovingly
detach, protect our hearts but not become cold hearted. This is my struggle now, finding the space between enabling and detaching. I can be an extremist at times. Black and white. It is much easier when my two are distant. These six months have been hard, but also a sort of respite. Not having to deal daily with the physical presence and the drama up close and personal, then the awfullizing, the stages of grief, all of the processing. Add in sudden appearances, the shock, dismay, memories, the work at changing patterns of response, rinse, repeat. I fear I am sailing through uncharted waters and not doing such a good job of it. I want to reach out, but.......how do I protect myself at the same time?

My thoughts of healing detachment for you and healing love to your daughter.

Thank you, I will be praying hard on this one. How do I reach out to my daughter beyond my prayers and trying to project in my mind her finding her purpose and meaning. What ways can I approach her and show her I love her, but not sink into enabling? This will be my new quest. Lest my heart grow cold........
(((Hugs)))
leafy

 

[New Leaf]

I totally relate! I do the same, isolate too at times. It works both ways. Son does too. In jail now, desperate for our attention. Part of me says though, it's so he can survive there...he needs commissary money, stamps, phone calls, ya know? Makes me wonder if he even calls because he craves love, or craves just money...Sad, I just don't know...maybe a little of both...I don't know.

Maybe it is both. The want and need plus the loneliness and desperation. It is hard, because it all does come with a history of manipulation. Do I trust myself enough to not fall into the rabbit hole?
For me, DM, it has been so many years of yo-yoing, drama go round and stress. Rerunning the tapes so that I recognize my part with enabling, and am cognizant of it, so I do not backslide. But then, I fear I have swung to far to the other side.....
I think this is the hardest part, finding the balance between the two. My daughter has made a choice to remain on the streets. For now. How do I deal with that, and keep my heart open, lovingly detaching, but be able to live with the emotion contact brings, the despair at the sight of my daughter and her condition? Where is the in between? It is heart wrenching seeing my daughter in her state as it is. Somehow, I want to reach out to her, but am caught between wondering about my safety, and that a small gesture will be looked at as a band aid on a large open wound? I will keep praying on this and sit with my feelings.Try to come up with an answer......
Thank you DM. I will work through this, it is most helpful to read the responses here and try to figure out next baby steps......
(((Hugs)))
leafy

 

[savior no more]

How do I reach out to my daughter beyond my prayers and trying to project in my mind her finding her purpose and meaning.

There are days I just sit quietly and pray for divine intelligence to manifest in my son. This is sometimes all I know to do and I just leave the rest of my thoughts and fears to the universe to figure out because I can't.

 

[detachingmother]

Somehow, I want to reach out to her, but am caught between wondering about my safety, and that a small gesture will be looked at as a band aid on a large open wound? I will keep praying on this and sit with my feelings.Try to come up with an answer......

I think keep doing it how you are doing it. The answer will come. Sit with it, and pray, and the answer will come. You have to do whats right for you. What's comfortable for you. Right? Seems this way to me. Sometimes I just sit and wait, read and vent, sit and wait some more. Tomorrow is a new day. I am doing what's comfortable for me...tomorrow I will put a little money on Son's phone account, so I can assess where we both are...the answer will come for me, when I hear him, which way to go next. If he's disrespectful, we will not talk for awhile. Not sure I could make it more than a few weeks. That's only happened a few times. I have gone months with no communication, and it helped me at least with respite, but not sure it helped him at the time.
Sometimes I actually wonder if him and I together, in any communication, forms some kind of storm in and of itself/ within ourselves/ each of us. Like bad medicine or something, because sometimes I really feel like I make things worse (well, duh, I guess I do when I am enabling), even when I think I am not enabling.

Enabling can be confusing. Some of my religious beliefs alone, some Judaism, says I must take care of my own kin/family, regardless, to not ditch them...etc. It is sooooo hard finding the fine line. Family Rabbi told me I should not give up on him for ANY reason. But, if needed to "love him from a distance for awhile", which is why I keep the line of communication open, always, and take periodic breaks, to try to teach him to respect me. The root of why I do things the way I do is found in my religious base. While I am not totally orthodox, I subscribe to two religions (different, I know, but how I was raised-two parents with two different religions), this is how I think about enabling.

For me, I do know that I cannot give money, unless it's in a way it cannot be used to get drugs. I have to be careful how and when I show love and affection too, because if he views it as "weak" he will try to manipulate. Yes, it's hard to find that fine line, and just when I think I do, he changes up where it is...

For you, the answer will also come. In one form or another.

Somehow, I want to reach out to her, but am caught between wondering about my safety,

Safety first though, if you feel there's a safety issue, then you must wait until you are comfortable and feeling safe. Keep yourself safe from harm. I'm sure you know this...I feel for you, I pray for you, especially that you will get your answer on how to proceed.

I agree with the keeping "loving" boundaries, without becoming too cold. Personally, even when I am in a detached mode, I've always let Son know I am here to talk...he hears this as, "I am only a phone call away, but I am not financially helping you with your mess ups with the law, and I am not letting you disrespect me or the other family members", but if he's disrespectful, I end the talk until he can be respectful (respectful means many things to me...not raising his voice, not swearing, not asking for money, not asking me to loan him money until he gets out of jail, not asking me to do things I do not think will be good for him, like write the judge and ask if he can get released on tether instead of in-patient treatment, like not arguing with me over what I consider ridiculous non-productive subjects whatever those may be, like not telling me how to handle younger son who happens to be doing very well, etc).

These are some of my boundaries. Also, he must take his medications when he gets out if they are prescribed, and basically follow his program. If he doesn't, it doesn't mean I will cut him off of love and warmth...it just means, he needs to go back to square one and maybe not have contact for awhile. At least until he calls and tries again to be respectful, or I reach out to check on him to see if he's ready to be respectful and grow out of his mess. Maybe he never will, but I will leave this door open, even if it means I have to go through a little push and pull. When I can't handle it, I get away from him for awhile. It's the dynamic we created, and will maybe be this way until Heck freezes over. I don't know. lol.

I do think sometimes we/I make it harder than it should be.... We can lay out our boundaries, but it doesn't mean they cannot be changed when we are comfortable with changing it up. It doesn't have to be, "I will not talk to you ever, if you do not conform." I don't know...sometimes we are way too hard on ourselves. I also think it's kind of like a drug addict, if our "enabling" is affecting other aspects of our lives in a negative way (in your case, maybe not feeling safe if you reach out), and making hard to function, then it IS going too far....if on the other hand, it's not affecting, negatively, our lives (safety, security,financial status, job, etc), then ok....not that big of deal.

You have to do what is right for you. I am praying for you now.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi DM, thank you for your response. I have hit a low spot, just thinking of what I have been reading, all of the articles on detachment, knowing that she is out there on the streets is still torture.
My rational mind tells me that Rain has to decide for herself what her life will be, that I have tried to have her at home, that there is really no progress when she is here. We opened ourselves to all sorts of craziness and drama, street people at the house....theft.
It was bad. Really, unacceptable.
So, she left. Came back disheveled and beat down, but did not want to go to a DV shelter.
So, down the road she went again.
Then back a couple weeks later, high as a kite and rambling on about homeless issues.
SIGH.

We all go through hell both ways.

The winds are up again here, and it is chilly.
My heart aches for her.
I am trying to repeat my mantra, "She is out there finding her way, she will be okay."
It's not working tonight.
I don't know if it is researching loving detachment, opening up my heart, breaking down the wall and trying to figure out a way to love her deeply, but not be consumed by her choices.
It's not that I ever stopped loving her.
I just kept this picture in my head of her reactions to me, the disrespect and animosity, that seemed to help me cope more. Retaining just enough of that anger to cement over the weak points in my heart, to keep a little callous, so when I start pining, I can stop.......

Safety first though, if you feel there's a safety issue, then you must wait until you are comfortable and feeling safe. Keep yourself safe from harm. I'm sure you know this...I feel for you, I pray for you, especially that you will get your answer on how to proceed.

Well, yes, there is a safety issue. She has been very agitated when speaking with me, that is on my turf, at home. She is very angry with me. So, my going to her where she is on the street is very questionable. She knows where I am, knows my phone number. That will have to be enough for now. The notion that I would go to her right now is really not an option. She will have to figure this out, as will I.
Thank you for your prayers.
I just have to keep working through these feelings and turn the ache in the pit of my stomach to prayer, and more prayer.........last night after writing this I went onto a meth site and began reading testimonials from former users. Most of them wrote that it was the detachment from their families that turned things around. I shall have to remain a shadow mother for my Rain for the time being. I shall have to remember that helping her is not helping her.
I am seeing now that what I have built up to protect my heart is not a wall, it is a shield. I am a warrior in the heat of the battle, and the battle is about maintaining myself, rebuilding myself, as my daughter is out there figuring her life out. It hurts very much to know of the pain she goes through. I will have to rely on my faith and understand that I cannot prevent her from making these choices, and though she has gone to the depths, I cannot go there with her. As I rebuild my shield, I shall stoke the fires within my soul and pray with all of my might that she will find her way. Perhaps that light of my soul fire will be reflected from my shield and reach parts of her heart. For I do believe we are all connected in Gods mysterious ways.
Yes, I will build myself up, and hope that at the same time, she is thinking the same, that she needs to build herself up.
Thank you DM, you have helped me very much.
(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[detachingmother]

We opened ourselves to all sorts of craziness and drama, street people at the house....theft.
It was bad. Really, unacceptable.

I do not remember if I mentioned this in here; I did kick son out probably 8 years ago. He was in and out and all over the streets in Flint, Mi---lots of drug deaths, murders, just like any inner city...couch surfing, you know, living anywhere he could off and on for awhile, sometimes living in his vehicle, sometimes who knows where. In and out of jail. He was kicked out because of drugs coming into my home, with my two younger kids--he also got into trouble with gun charges. I could digress here, because it started out minor with marijuana...when I first kicked him out, it was marijuana. He was ripping me off, his friends were ripping me off....I actually got a legal eviction to make it real to him. I say digress, bc I do feel at fault for how bad things got out of control...it was in the streets he learned about meth. Too late to turn back now with the what ifs...

Take refuge in knowing these people usually know how to survive. They adapt. I think sometimes for some of them, it gets easier and easier to lower their own standards. Humans are very adaptable, as you can plainly see when you look at how they live in places like Haiti. It's sad, yes, and I hate to say it that way, but it's true. Well, and they do know on some level it's what they choose. You are right, they choose this lifestyle, over any other way of living. For now. They adapt, and I guess we must adapt too.

Hugs to you!!!

 

[New Leaf]

I say digress, bc I do feel at fault for how bad things got out of control...it was in the streets he learned about meth. Too late to turn back now with the what ifs...

DM, you should not feel at fault, I know, I know, it is hard when we roll back the tapes and remember, the what ifs. Retrospect is so wise, but it is impossible to go back, we live, we struggle, we learn.

It is not possible to keep a child at home who is going off the rails and endangering everyone else within, not possible, completely unacceptable. Especially when there are younger ones watching from the wings. The horror becomes theirs, too, and that is most unacceptable.

Yes, it is choice, from pot, to drinking, to meth. Then meth makes the choices for them. Though it is hard, it is good for me to read former meth users stories. It helps me to understand that as my Rain goes through whatever, I must not go down that path with her.

They do not see us as people anymore as the drugs take over their minds and their lifestyles.

I must tell you that we tried every way to help. It didn't matter. It prolonged the misery, ours and Rains. It was as if she jumped into the quicksand, then held her hand out, we grabbed it, and she pulled us in.......then we all thrashed about for awhile.
It was insane.
We slowly pulled ourselves out and called to her, in a manner of speaking........but she stayed, and there she remains. As you say, and I have said, for now.........

They do adapt, and you are right, we must adapt. Each time I sink into despair, I linger a little less longer. It is learning. Turning the yearning for her to wake up, and the desperation of her situation, into faith that she will wake up, one day. For the origin of despair, the meaning is -without hope.
I do not want to walk this journey without hope.

So, I will have to build hope and faith into my shield again.
Go back to my toolbox, my armory and find what I need to strengthen myself. For I do no one any good, weakened and beat down.

I will be okay, and so will you DM. No, no, KNOW that none of this is your fault. It is free will and choices at work here. They chose, and we chose that their choices were unacceptable in our homes. We did what we had to, to maintain peace in our sanctuaries.

We did what had to be.

It was hard, but we did it for a very good reason.

The rest, was and is up to our d cs to figure out what their path is.
For now.

(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[detachingmother]

Thank you again, Leafy. I am going to be ok, yes, and you are too.

As I read through some of your old posts, it's clear we all do go up and down the on the roller coaster ride of emotions.

You will get your armor back on and pull those tools out and get to strengthening yourself again. The ol' ebb and flow.