Transparent
New Member
Wow. *hugs* to you! I'm glad they finally found/got her.
B
bran155
Guest
Thank you guys.
It is now Monday morning, I wasn't on the computer all day yesterday. I was so busy. So, I did not go to court this morning. My sw sent one of her workers in her place as she couldn't go either. I am sure my daughter will be shocked to see that I did not show up. I called and left messages for the DA and her lawyer to call me back. I probably won't hear back from the DA but her lawyer will call me as soon as she can. She always returns my phone calls pretty quickly. In the meantime I spoke to the sw who is going to court this morning and filled him in on what exactly happened. He said he would call me as soon as court is over. With any luck she will be remanded to juvie instead of jail. At this point I don't really think juvie will do anything for her. She has been there a few times already. Jail didn't seem to scare her either though. I don't know. I just know she cannot come here!!!!
I will let you all know what happens as soon as I find out.
Thanks
Shawna
It is now Monday morning, I wasn't on the computer all day yesterday. I was so busy. So, I did not go to court this morning. My sw sent one of her workers in her place as she couldn't go either. I am sure my daughter will be shocked to see that I did not show up. I called and left messages for the DA and her lawyer to call me back. I probably won't hear back from the DA but her lawyer will call me as soon as she can. She always returns my phone calls pretty quickly. In the meantime I spoke to the sw who is going to court this morning and filled him in on what exactly happened. He said he would call me as soon as court is over. With any luck she will be remanded to juvie instead of jail. At this point I don't really think juvie will do anything for her. She has been there a few times already. Jail didn't seem to scare her either though. I don't know. I just know she cannot come here!!!!
I will let you all know what happens as soon as I find out.
Thanks
Shawna
B
bran155
Guest
So far no self epiphanies (Sp?) on her part!!! She is just incorrigible, no remorse, no accountability, just anger and resentment towards me!!! I could choke her!!!
She called again after court. She is being sent to jail, they lowered her bail from $10,000 to $5,000 and she will be back in court next Tuesday. I won't be there then either!!! The entire conversation consisted of her cursing at me and blaming me for her messed up life. I swear she is not human!!! She said she would rather be in jail than in juvie so she was happy that they are sending to the county jail. WHAT??? What is wrong with this child??? She was proud to admit to me that while out on the streets she was able to take care of herself by selling drugs. "Hustling" was her word choice!!! She said that when she gets out and she turns 18 she will be leaving the state for good. Okay. Her choice. She was shocked and upset that I did not show up to court. Oh well!!! She called me all kinds of b**ches. F-U, was thrown in there a few times as well, amoung other things. This kid is unbelievable. I just don't know what it is going to take for her to hit her bottom. It is very sad.
I am surprised at myself, no tears, no guilt!!! It's like I am someone else. In a matter of a month I have truly been able to detach. Which is very good considering I do believe that she will leave for good, so I must prepare myself for that chapter. I will not visit her nor accept her phone calls while she is in jail. At least not for a while. I will however write her. I will explain to her that I do love her and when she is ready to accept my help I will give it to her. Until then she is on her own. She is under the assumption that her "peoples" will be showing up to bail her out. She is so naive (Sp?). These "people" are not going to trust that she will show up to court and I'm sure they are not willing to gamble $5,000 on it. She is just so hardcore on the outside, yet so innocent and naive on the inside. She does not realize what the consequences are to living in this underworld she chooses to live in.
Very sad that she is wasting her life. Albiet, she does have it hard and does have valid issues, however her life does not have to be this bad. I can only pray and hope that she will one day rise above all of this nonsense and get her life together. I must leave it in God's hands now.
Thanks for the support.
Shawna
She called again after court. She is being sent to jail, they lowered her bail from $10,000 to $5,000 and she will be back in court next Tuesday. I won't be there then either!!! The entire conversation consisted of her cursing at me and blaming me for her messed up life. I swear she is not human!!! She said she would rather be in jail than in juvie so she was happy that they are sending to the county jail. WHAT??? What is wrong with this child??? She was proud to admit to me that while out on the streets she was able to take care of herself by selling drugs. "Hustling" was her word choice!!! She said that when she gets out and she turns 18 she will be leaving the state for good. Okay. Her choice. She was shocked and upset that I did not show up to court. Oh well!!! She called me all kinds of b**ches. F-U, was thrown in there a few times as well, amoung other things. This kid is unbelievable. I just don't know what it is going to take for her to hit her bottom. It is very sad.
I am surprised at myself, no tears, no guilt!!! It's like I am someone else. In a matter of a month I have truly been able to detach. Which is very good considering I do believe that she will leave for good, so I must prepare myself for that chapter. I will not visit her nor accept her phone calls while she is in jail. At least not for a while. I will however write her. I will explain to her that I do love her and when she is ready to accept my help I will give it to her. Until then she is on her own. She is under the assumption that her "peoples" will be showing up to bail her out. She is so naive (Sp?). These "people" are not going to trust that she will show up to court and I'm sure they are not willing to gamble $5,000 on it. She is just so hardcore on the outside, yet so innocent and naive on the inside. She does not realize what the consequences are to living in this underworld she chooses to live in.
Very sad that she is wasting her life. Albiet, she does have it hard and does have valid issues, however her life does not have to be this bad. I can only pray and hope that she will one day rise above all of this nonsense and get her life together. I must leave it in God's hands now.
Thanks for the support.
Shawna
compassion
Member
Bran, She sounds like my daughter when she is manic. I hope she gets on medications soon. Compassion
Marguerite
Active Member
You are doing a great job detaching.
When she calls you all those names, if you get a chance to calmly get a word in edgewise, you COULD say, "And this is supposed to entice me to want to step in and help you? In what way is cussing at me going to make me want to help you?"
This is not the daughter you raised, who is saying these things. All you can do now, is hold onto this: she has choices. They are HER choices. Yes, she has issues and she has medical needs, but she has made some very silly choices and until she learns that she has to live with the consequences that she has brought on herself, she won't get the message that her life COULD be a lot better.
You love her. Her "friends" do not. They will be her friends as long as it suits them, but they are survivors and in order to survive in that world, they have to develop hard hearts and cut someone loose if they fall outside their ring.
I doubt anyone will pay her bail, but if they do it will be because they expect $5000 worth of services/goods from her. The science fiction author Robert Heinlein often referred to a very important concept - TANSTAAFL. "There ain't no such thing as a free lunch." Although my kids don't read Heinlein, they know what I mean when I say, "TANSTAAFL".
It's a lesson your easy child still has to learn. When she does, she will realise just how much you have done for her over the years, and just how much she has wasted her opportunities.
She still can get it together, but she now has to do it on her own. Every time you step in to help her, to try to lift her out of the gutter, she will fail to get the consequences message. She simply refuses to learn while she believes you will step in and make it all better.
Once she 'gets' that she is on her own, then she will have to eventually get her life back on track. Her friends are her influence now, at some point when will be told by them, some very unpleasant truths.
Think how she has treated you. Do you think this is reserved only for you? As she gets to increasingly take her friends for granted, she will get to a point (sooner than she did with you) where they will slap her down and throw her out.
It will happen. It of course cannot be your fault when it does, if they are people who don't know you. Eventually she will have to see, that SHE is responsible. If she doesn't, then there is nothing more you could have done.
Hang in there. Focus on yourself and your son. Get yourself back together again. You're getting stronger all the time.
Marg
When she calls you all those names, if you get a chance to calmly get a word in edgewise, you COULD say, "And this is supposed to entice me to want to step in and help you? In what way is cussing at me going to make me want to help you?"
This is not the daughter you raised, who is saying these things. All you can do now, is hold onto this: she has choices. They are HER choices. Yes, she has issues and she has medical needs, but she has made some very silly choices and until she learns that she has to live with the consequences that she has brought on herself, she won't get the message that her life COULD be a lot better.
You love her. Her "friends" do not. They will be her friends as long as it suits them, but they are survivors and in order to survive in that world, they have to develop hard hearts and cut someone loose if they fall outside their ring.
I doubt anyone will pay her bail, but if they do it will be because they expect $5000 worth of services/goods from her. The science fiction author Robert Heinlein often referred to a very important concept - TANSTAAFL. "There ain't no such thing as a free lunch." Although my kids don't read Heinlein, they know what I mean when I say, "TANSTAAFL".
It's a lesson your easy child still has to learn. When she does, she will realise just how much you have done for her over the years, and just how much she has wasted her opportunities.
She still can get it together, but she now has to do it on her own. Every time you step in to help her, to try to lift her out of the gutter, she will fail to get the consequences message. She simply refuses to learn while she believes you will step in and make it all better.
Once she 'gets' that she is on her own, then she will have to eventually get her life back on track. Her friends are her influence now, at some point when will be told by them, some very unpleasant truths.
Think how she has treated you. Do you think this is reserved only for you? As she gets to increasingly take her friends for granted, she will get to a point (sooner than she did with you) where they will slap her down and throw her out.
It will happen. It of course cannot be your fault when it does, if they are people who don't know you. Eventually she will have to see, that SHE is responsible. If she doesn't, then there is nothing more you could have done.
Hang in there. Focus on yourself and your son. Get yourself back together again. You're getting stronger all the time.
Marg
gcvmom
Here we go again!
Just wanted to add my support and tell you what an awesome job you are doing right now. Anger has a way of speeding along the detachment process, in my experience. It's good you sent someone else to court today -- it would be hard to stay angry at her and she would rake your emotions over the coals with her rollercoaster moods. You sure don't need that. It's time for her dose of reality, like it or not. At least off the streets she has a better chance of getting the psychiatric treatment she needs, even if the court has to order it. She may not stick with it, but at least it will have been tried.
Hang in there!
Hang in there!
Mayapple5
New Member
Dear Shawna you have gained so much through all of this. Not only strength but knowledge. How are husband and easy child doing with all of this? I guess I should read the rest of the threads my questions probably would be answered, I just don't have the time right now. I just wanted to let you know I'm proud of you, been there done that and that I know you are stronger and you will be OK.
God Bless your family and your difficult child!
Connie
God Bless your family and your difficult child!
Connie
B
bran155
Guest
The words "thank you" don't seem to be enough. I wish that I could put into words the gratitude I feel towards all of you. It means so much to me that you all care, and really get it. For lack of a better word, THANKS!!!!
Marg: you are so right!! I am done with picking up her messes. The only way she is going to learn is if she is on her own during times of desperation. I used to feel such guilt, for what I am not quite sure. I have always done right by her, always been a good mom and have always been her voice, fought like heck to get her help. I guess I just felt "mommy guilt", that gnawing feeling that I am her mom and no matter what I do I can't seem to help her. That is gone now. I know in my heart that I have left no stone un-turned, went down every avenue possible to help this kid. We as a family have been through such trauma over her. She has an amazing support system, it's unfortunate that she can't see that right now. I am so lucky, my family has been incredible through all of this. I owe it to them as well as myself, (and my daughter) to take back my life and create peace for the rest of my family. I was always afraid of the day when she turned 18, I was afraid I would not have the strength or courage to not allow her to live in my home and disrupt our lives any longer. I am much stronger than I had ever anticipated. She will be 18 in a month and a half, there is NO WAY I will allow her to live here!!! I will however, be there for her when she is truly ready to change her life. Then I will put my armour on and go to war for her. I will no longer enable her to destroy herself. She can do that all on her own.
Connie: thanks for asking. My husband and my son are doing great. Sad to say but our lives are so much more peaceful when my daughter is not here. We are actually living a "normal" life. It feels good to have the energy to take care of the rest of my family. They so deserve it.
I started getting phone calls from the jail yesterday before my daughter even got there. At first we just hung up without actually listening to who they were from. After the 3rd one we listened. It was a guy named "Brooklyn", he was threatening us, and being vulgar. The last call he said that he was going to come and rape me. These are little messages given during the time he was supposed to say his name, so that we can accept the collect call. I called the jail supervisor, gave him the times that he called and told him what he was saying. A few hours later he called me back, the guy who handles the phone calls found out who he was. He got a write up and money taken from his account. They said that I could press legal charges against him if I wanted. He is a minor like my daughter. I said not now but if it continues I will. I don't want him to actually get more time. He is just a kid and God only knows what problems he has. I will call the cops if it happens again. I am not sure who he is or how he knows this number. I am assuming that my daughter must have seen him in court and gave him her number and he was trying to reach her, he must have gotten angry when we were just hanging up. I don't know. Never a dull moment!!!
I am waiting to here from my daughter's lawyer. I left her a message yesterday, let's see how long it takes for her to call me back. When I know more I will let you all know.
Thanks again,
Shawna
Marg: you are so right!! I am done with picking up her messes. The only way she is going to learn is if she is on her own during times of desperation. I used to feel such guilt, for what I am not quite sure. I have always done right by her, always been a good mom and have always been her voice, fought like heck to get her help. I guess I just felt "mommy guilt", that gnawing feeling that I am her mom and no matter what I do I can't seem to help her. That is gone now. I know in my heart that I have left no stone un-turned, went down every avenue possible to help this kid. We as a family have been through such trauma over her. She has an amazing support system, it's unfortunate that she can't see that right now. I am so lucky, my family has been incredible through all of this. I owe it to them as well as myself, (and my daughter) to take back my life and create peace for the rest of my family. I was always afraid of the day when she turned 18, I was afraid I would not have the strength or courage to not allow her to live in my home and disrupt our lives any longer. I am much stronger than I had ever anticipated. She will be 18 in a month and a half, there is NO WAY I will allow her to live here!!! I will however, be there for her when she is truly ready to change her life. Then I will put my armour on and go to war for her. I will no longer enable her to destroy herself. She can do that all on her own.
Connie: thanks for asking. My husband and my son are doing great. Sad to say but our lives are so much more peaceful when my daughter is not here. We are actually living a "normal" life. It feels good to have the energy to take care of the rest of my family. They so deserve it.
I started getting phone calls from the jail yesterday before my daughter even got there. At first we just hung up without actually listening to who they were from. After the 3rd one we listened. It was a guy named "Brooklyn", he was threatening us, and being vulgar. The last call he said that he was going to come and rape me. These are little messages given during the time he was supposed to say his name, so that we can accept the collect call. I called the jail supervisor, gave him the times that he called and told him what he was saying. A few hours later he called me back, the guy who handles the phone calls found out who he was. He got a write up and money taken from his account. They said that I could press legal charges against him if I wanted. He is a minor like my daughter. I said not now but if it continues I will. I don't want him to actually get more time. He is just a kid and God only knows what problems he has. I will call the cops if it happens again. I am not sure who he is or how he knows this number. I am assuming that my daughter must have seen him in court and gave him her number and he was trying to reach her, he must have gotten angry when we were just hanging up. I don't know. Never a dull moment!!!
I am waiting to here from my daughter's lawyer. I left her a message yesterday, let's see how long it takes for her to call me back. When I know more I will let you all know.
Thanks again,
Shawna
Marguerite
Active Member
Bran, those phone calls don't sound like someone trying to contact your daughter. Besides, surely she would have known she was unlikely to be going home? If a girl wants to get in touch with a guy, REALLY wants to get in touch, she is unlikely to give a number where she may not be reached. She hasn't been home for a fair while now, her instinctive reaction would have been to give him a number where she's been staying, or a friend whose mobile phone is likely to be nearby.
No, the only reason she's given anyone your home number, is so they can directly harass you. They're doing her a favour, she's probably asked them to do this to "soften you up".
Mind you, they would be empty threats. I certainly wouldn't allow yourself to feel afraid of them, but they DO need to be reported (which you did - good for you!)
If nothing else, he needs a rap over the knuckles to not do this sort of thing just because a girl asked him to. If he's still such an idiot that he will do this, then he deserves more time if that's what it takes. He and his possible problems are NOT your responsibility in any way. Don't let yourself worry about him - worry about yourself. NOT taking action is letting him think that what he is doing is OK.
The other possibility - he may not be someone she passed in the courthouse who she asked to harass you; he could be someone she owes money to (or worse than money) who is trying to 'collect'. It's unlikely she was picked up in isolation. Yet another reason to call the cops. If she has told people to go to you to pay her bills, you need to send a clear message - you are not responsible for her actions.
If this is another underage kid in jail, then the very least he needs is to hear this message loud and clear - "you will not get anywhere calling this family. All you will get is trouble. Send the word to all the other inmates - these people WILL pass all calls on to the police and will press charges."
I've said before, my sister went through this. And when her son was out of jail and living with his girlfriend nearby (and apparently trying to go straight) my sister kept helping them by giving them various things. My mother moved house into a retirement unit at about that time, leaving her house on the market. My sister gave the washing machine to her son. Gave him the fridge. Gave him beds. Lots of stuff. We were staying at my mother's house at the time, we got back form an outing to do some washing, to find the washing machine gone and were very glad we hadn't put a load on to wash while we went out! Although my sister had my mother's permission, I felt she was just feeding her son's drug habit;we visited him a few days later and there was no sign of all these things, he was hocking them to pay for more drugs. I was angry with my sister; I understood she wanted her baby grandson to at least have access to a laundry for clean clothes, but by making it too easy for her son, he wasn't learning anything about how to be a responsible father. He wasn't yet ready to appreciate these things, he was still taking it all for granted and the more she gave, the more he drained her dry. In his life he had yet more time to serve in jail, before he learned how to get his life back on track.
My sister knows better now. She is still in touch with him but she no longer bails him out by giving him stuff. She has nothing left to give, frankly. She just about bankrupted herself for him, paying bail which he would then skip, only to get caught eventually anyway. Meanwhile her other kids were left needing help and they WOULD have appreciated it.
Why is it that we expend so many resources on the ones who least appreciate it?
Marg
No, the only reason she's given anyone your home number, is so they can directly harass you. They're doing her a favour, she's probably asked them to do this to "soften you up".
Mind you, they would be empty threats. I certainly wouldn't allow yourself to feel afraid of them, but they DO need to be reported (which you did - good for you!)
If nothing else, he needs a rap over the knuckles to not do this sort of thing just because a girl asked him to. If he's still such an idiot that he will do this, then he deserves more time if that's what it takes. He and his possible problems are NOT your responsibility in any way. Don't let yourself worry about him - worry about yourself. NOT taking action is letting him think that what he is doing is OK.
The other possibility - he may not be someone she passed in the courthouse who she asked to harass you; he could be someone she owes money to (or worse than money) who is trying to 'collect'. It's unlikely she was picked up in isolation. Yet another reason to call the cops. If she has told people to go to you to pay her bills, you need to send a clear message - you are not responsible for her actions.
If this is another underage kid in jail, then the very least he needs is to hear this message loud and clear - "you will not get anywhere calling this family. All you will get is trouble. Send the word to all the other inmates - these people WILL pass all calls on to the police and will press charges."
I've said before, my sister went through this. And when her son was out of jail and living with his girlfriend nearby (and apparently trying to go straight) my sister kept helping them by giving them various things. My mother moved house into a retirement unit at about that time, leaving her house on the market. My sister gave the washing machine to her son. Gave him the fridge. Gave him beds. Lots of stuff. We were staying at my mother's house at the time, we got back form an outing to do some washing, to find the washing machine gone and were very glad we hadn't put a load on to wash while we went out! Although my sister had my mother's permission, I felt she was just feeding her son's drug habit;we visited him a few days later and there was no sign of all these things, he was hocking them to pay for more drugs. I was angry with my sister; I understood she wanted her baby grandson to at least have access to a laundry for clean clothes, but by making it too easy for her son, he wasn't learning anything about how to be a responsible father. He wasn't yet ready to appreciate these things, he was still taking it all for granted and the more she gave, the more he drained her dry. In his life he had yet more time to serve in jail, before he learned how to get his life back on track.
My sister knows better now. She is still in touch with him but she no longer bails him out by giving him stuff. She has nothing left to give, frankly. She just about bankrupted herself for him, paying bail which he would then skip, only to get caught eventually anyway. Meanwhile her other kids were left needing help and they WOULD have appreciated it.
Why is it that we expend so many resources on the ones who least appreciate it?
Marg
donna723
Well-Known Member
Bran, I think you've done a wonderful job of detaching.
Almost every jail and prison records all phone calls that inmates make. I know that where I work, the calls are monitored at random but every call is recorded so if you know what time the call was made, they can find out exactly who made the call and exactly what he said. I know that if this happened in the prison where I work, that inmate would loose his phone privileges for six months to a year ... so you may not have to worry about him doing it again!
Almost every jail and prison records all phone calls that inmates make. I know that where I work, the calls are monitored at random but every call is recorded so if you know what time the call was made, they can find out exactly who made the call and exactly what he said. I know that if this happened in the prison where I work, that inmate would loose his phone privileges for six months to a year ... so you may not have to worry about him doing it again!
B
bran155
Guest
Thank you guys.
Donna: The jail actually changed the message on the phone. Now when my daughter tries to call me it no longer leaves a space for her to say her name. It is just telling me to put money on a pre-paid account without hearing that the phone call is from her. I guess the jail did this so that that kid could no longer leave me little messages. I am sorry if that is confusing.
Marg: You are so right, as usual!!! I can relate to your sister. It is very hard not to be the enabler. Why is it so hard? I don't know. I guess as parents we think we need to nurture no matter what. I no longer feel that way. I only hope that I can remain strong when the phone calls turn from disrespect to manipulation. It's easy to shun her when she is cursing at me and calling me names, it's hard when she is crying and begging for forgiveness. I must put my game face on and just be strong.
Thanks my friends.
Donna: The jail actually changed the message on the phone. Now when my daughter tries to call me it no longer leaves a space for her to say her name. It is just telling me to put money on a pre-paid account without hearing that the phone call is from her. I guess the jail did this so that that kid could no longer leave me little messages. I am sorry if that is confusing.
Marg: You are so right, as usual!!!
I can relate to your sister. It is very hard not to be the enabler. Why is it so hard? I don't know. I guess as parents we think we need to nurture no matter what. I no longer feel that way. I only hope that I can remain strong when the phone calls turn from disrespect to manipulation. It's easy to shun her when she is cursing at me and calling me names, it's hard when she is crying and begging for forgiveness. I must put my game face on and just be strong.Thanks my friends.
klmno
Active Member
Shawna- I just wanted to send support and let you know I'm still thinking of you and standing behind your warrior mom armour!!
Surely this blame she's trying to put on you will have to stop soon. At least if it doesn't, it's becoming too blatantly obvious that things from this point on CAN'T be your fault- they are her choices, her actions, her "peoples", so I'd say she has proven that what she does in her life really has nothing at all to do with you. This is the best thing for her, in my humble opinion.
This is when the statement "Yep, kid, it's your life to do what you want to with- you can scr** it up if you want and you can turn it around if you want." really comes into play.
Surely this blame she's trying to put on you will have to stop soon. At least if it doesn't, it's becoming too blatantly obvious that things from this point on CAN'T be your fault- they are her choices, her actions, her "peoples", so I'd say she has proven that what she does in her life really has nothing at all to do with you. This is the best thing for her, in my humble opinion.
This is when the statement "Yep, kid, it's your life to do what you want to with- you can scr** it up if you want and you can turn it around if you want." really comes into play.
totoro
Mom? What's a difficult child?
You know reading your posts makes me think of my older Brother.
He went away to rehab for drugs, I know one was OXY, his work sent him there.
They enabled him... because he got out, he still drinks he is still a mess. But they let him stay because he opened the restaurant, because he is the General Manager and the Executive Chef.
They keep him on and let him act crazy, sleeping with tons of the women, fighting, drinking all of the time, multiple arrests over hi ex. Because he has kids, because his ex is crazier than him... because he can convince everyone that he innocent!
Also when he is high or drunk, he is SO funny.
Everyone around enables him... even my Father, out of guilt, for abandoning us, for being in prison, for being a drug addict and alcoholic himself.
Even the women enable him.
So everyone feels sorry for him. Why??? He doesn't even admit he has Mental Illness! He has been diagnosis'd with a Personality Disorder. Who knows what else.
Because he is *good looking* (blech!), funny, smart and talented, people let him get away with these things.
After reading so many of these older kid posts and yours especially, it has really made me realize a few things.
He should be left out in the cold and made to deal with this carp on his own!
Why do people like him always get away with so much? He should have spent so much more times in jail.
It isn't because he has money, he is looking at losing his house.
One thing I have really realized is that some of our kids and people who have mental illness or addictions, do benefit from our help.
I have read so many stories about people who did get better when you surround them with love and support.
But others, only pull and push away more. Like my brother. He will take and then still F' it up. He will never learn as long as people help him.
What you are doing is so admirable and so hard. I was thinking about my own pathetic youth last night, I honestly do not think I would have benefitted from the support of family or the pushing or help from them.
I needed to fall as well. I am sure if my Mom were alive it would have ripped her heart out to see or here the stories as well.
I hope I can be as strong as you if I ever have to face this struggle.
He went away to rehab for drugs, I know one was OXY, his work sent him there.
They enabled him... because he got out, he still drinks he is still a mess. But they let him stay because he opened the restaurant, because he is the General Manager and the Executive Chef.
They keep him on and let him act crazy, sleeping with tons of the women, fighting, drinking all of the time, multiple arrests over hi ex. Because he has kids, because his ex is crazier than him... because he can convince everyone that he innocent!
Also when he is high or drunk, he is SO funny.
Everyone around enables him... even my Father, out of guilt, for abandoning us, for being in prison, for being a drug addict and alcoholic himself.
Even the women enable him.
So everyone feels sorry for him. Why??? He doesn't even admit he has Mental Illness! He has been diagnosis'd with a Personality Disorder. Who knows what else.
Because he is *good looking* (blech!), funny, smart and talented, people let him get away with these things.
After reading so many of these older kid posts and yours especially, it has really made me realize a few things.
He should be left out in the cold and made to deal with this carp on his own!
Why do people like him always get away with so much? He should have spent so much more times in jail.
It isn't because he has money, he is looking at losing his house.
One thing I have really realized is that some of our kids and people who have mental illness or addictions, do benefit from our help.
I have read so many stories about people who did get better when you surround them with love and support.
But others, only pull and push away more. Like my brother. He will take and then still F' it up. He will never learn as long as people help him.
What you are doing is so admirable and so hard. I was thinking about my own pathetic youth last night, I honestly do not think I would have benefitted from the support of family or the pushing or help from them.
I needed to fall as well. I am sure if my Mom were alive it would have ripped her heart out to see or here the stories as well.
I hope I can be as strong as you if I ever have to face this struggle.
B
bran155
Guest
klmno: Thank you so much, thank you for thinking of me. I appreciate your support. I hope there will come a day that she will finally accept responsibility for HER choices. And I hope that, for her. I am no longer consumed with guilt and I don't really care if she puts the blame on me anymore. I hope for her sake that she owns up to her actions as that is the only way her life will get any better!!!
totoro: First let me say I am so sorry for you and your family. It sounds like you all had it pretty tough. I am so sorry. My daughter is one of those people who squander our love and support. The more help we try to give her, the more love we show her, the more we support her the more she pushes us away. She has always been that way. She has always been someone who goes against the grain. It as though she is in a constant power struggle with everyone in her life. She will not comply with anything or anyone. She has to win. Sad, because essentially she is the only one losing!!!
p.s. Happy New Year.
totoro: First let me say I am so sorry for you and your family. It sounds like you all had it pretty tough. I am so sorry. My daughter is one of those people who squander our love and support. The more help we try to give her, the more love we show her, the more we support her the more she pushes us away. She has always been that way. She has always been someone who goes against the grain. It as though she is in a constant power struggle with everyone in her life. She will not comply with anything or anyone. She has to win. Sad, because essentially she is the only one losing!!!
p.s. Happy New Year.
totoro
Mom? What's a difficult child?
Bran I don't want you to feel sorry for me. You are a great example of someone who has tried to give support. Done the steps and now is doing detachment. You are someone who should be commended.
You are teaching me things about myself and my own family.
I am sorry that you are, because it is not fun, what you are going through. But I think a lot of us who have younger kids most likely are storing these things somewhere in our minds.
Your story and those other parents on the PE board.
I wish there were no stories like yours.
I truly do hope your daughter sees the light soon and finds a purpose.
You are a great example of someone who has tried to give support. Done the steps and now is doing detachment. You are someone who should be commended. You are teaching me things about myself and my own family.
I am sorry that you are, because it is not fun, what you are going through. But I think a lot of us who have younger kids most likely are storing these things somewhere in our minds.
Your story and those other parents on the PE board.
I wish there were no stories like yours.
I truly do hope your daughter sees the light soon and finds a purpose.
Bran,
I am just so impressed with how far you have come in this detachment process! You sound so much stronger and I can tell you are no longer feeling the weight of guilt and responsibility now that you have put it where it belongs, on your dtr's shoulders.
My dtr, too, was one who squandered any support and love she received. She did not respond positively to it, only acted out even worse and used it to put the blame and responsibility for her actions on others. She doesn't seem to do that anymore now that she is out on her own. She appreciates the care she receives from her family now--but the care is not of the enabling sort and very little in the way of material goods. We just let her know we love her and show interest in her life.
You are truly an inspiration to all of us, Bran--keep posting!
Love,
Jane
I am just so impressed with how far you have come in this detachment process! You sound so much stronger and I can tell you are no longer feeling the weight of guilt and responsibility now that you have put it where it belongs, on your dtr's shoulders.
My dtr, too, was one who squandered any support and love she received. She did not respond positively to it, only acted out even worse and used it to put the blame and responsibility for her actions on others. She doesn't seem to do that anymore now that she is out on her own. She appreciates the care she receives from her family now--but the care is not of the enabling sort and very little in the way of material goods. We just let her know we love her and show interest in her life.
You are truly an inspiration to all of us, Bran--keep posting!
Love,
Jane
