She's pregnant

[Nomad]

So emotionally draining and sad for us....can't fully imagine what you are experiencing Nancy.
You might want to double check if she would be better off without your insurance if in fact this pregnancy is a reality.
Your insurance might be a hinderence for her; especially if she is going to keep the baby and if she is going to need housing, etc.
As best as you can, try to remove yourself from it all.
None of this is your fault. You've gone above and beyond. This path seems to have been set.
Extra prayers/hugs and good thoughts for you and your husband.

 

[FlowerGarden]

Hugs to you

 

[Nancy]

He and his father have been arrested 68 times in their city alone. More in our city. This is what legacy she is giving this baby.

Nancy

 

[Hound dog]

Oh, Nancy, I'm so sorry.

You don't sound harsh, you sound exhausted, with good reason.

(((hugs))))

 

[everywoman]

I'm sorry she has made the choices she has---and they are her choices so let her own them. Detach. It is not your responsibility any longer. I know that it is difficult to let go when there is another life at stake---but either she will do well or she won't---and at this point it is not a reflection of you. As parents, you and husband did everything possible to give her the life you envisioned for her---she didn't want that life---let go.

 

[dashcat]

Nancy,
Just saw this.

And now I know why I woke up thinking about you today and thinking I should check in.

I am so sorry. I haven't read the entire thread, so I don't know if there are any updates, but I wanted to let you know I'm here for you.

Dash

 

[DammitJanet]

Nancy, she has made her choices now and they arent a reflection on you at all. Please know that. Im sure you think I am looking at things through rose colored glasses over things but Im not. I do think at this point your guys should take her off your insurance. She is eligible for Medicaid now because of the pregnancy and will be for the next two years at least. The first year because she is pregnant and then the next year because of the fact she has a newborn. Then more than likely she will be eligible for awhile because her income wont be very high so she will be eligible and she will be eligible until at least the kid is 5. The income limits for a kid under 5 are pretty high. But after doing all that, I would walk away from this until you are able to or want to have something to do with either your daughter or this grandchild. It may be entirely likely that this child may need you in its life to be the one stable place it has. Sad to think about but true.

 

[Nancy]

Janet I really do appreciate your input and I know you have a lot of knowledge that is valuable to me. We are in the process of taking her off our insurance. We told her yesterday to find auto insurance this week and we are removing her from ours. She is suppose to get coverage under her employers health insurance at the end of October however I don't know if they will approve her when they receive her application and see that she is pregnant and also an alcoholic. We will take her off our health insurance at that time irregardless of whether they cover her so she can apply for medicaid. I don't want to take her off ours until she is either accepted or rejected by her employer because it makes a difference in rates if she is currently covered under a policy.

I am not buying anything. We have bought her enough over the years and it is either all destroyed or stolen or given away. We have saved the system hundreds of thousands of dollars in the past twenty years and unfortunately we were not able to stop the cycle. Nothing we have done has made a bit of difference and so it's time to surrender. She will get more services with us out of the picture. I never thought I would see one of my children living in a halfway house with a child and no money to buy food, but that is the choice she has made.

I just hope that when she writes her life story she includes that she has had many many chances to turn her life aroud and many people willing to help her and it was her choice to walk away from that.

Nancy

 

[elizabrary]

Hi Nancy- I completely understand how you feel. My granddaughter is almost 2 years old now and I certainly remember the pain and anguish I felt when I found out Kat was pregnant. She was not an addict, though she definitely abused substances prior to her pregnancy, so I didn't have that aspect to be concerned about. But her "baby daddy" was physically/emotionally/financially abusive to her. It was horrifying. I will say the baby coming did eventually get her away from him, but it took some time. The pregnancy was tough- for me the horrors my mind could create about what would happen were worse than the reality of the situation when the baby was actually here. It has been a very difficult road- I wouldn't wish this on anyone. But I can tell you my granddaughter has brought a light into my life that I never expected. She is pure joy and I love every second I spend with her. This has been a terrible situation, but I wouldn't trade little KK for the world. I'm sorry for what you are going through and I will hope for the very best for you. Hopefully this will be the thing your daughter needs to get her life turned around. It helped my daughter some, but not as much as I would like. The only positive thing I can tell you is that you will have a wonderful grandchild that you will love more than you can imagine. Hang in there, and any time you need to talk I'm here. I completely understand what you're going through.

 

[pepperidge]

Not to put too fine a point on it, because I think about all the time what I would do in the same position, but suppose hte grandchild is a difficult child to the max--of which there is some likelihood if the mother is substance-abusing. Yes, one might love her, but it is ok not to have the energy or even want to have the energy to raise yet another difficult child? Particularly since it will be hard to be with grandchild and not deal with his/her mom?

I can understand fully where Nancy is coming from. I guess it is hard to predict how one would feel, but has anyone in the position just had to detach even from grandchild to really maintain sanity and quality of life? Or do you always get sucked in even if the grandkid is a major difficult child? Sorry if this is going off topic or too blunt, but can we say at some point, enough is enough?

 

[DammitJanet]

Oh I completely understand where nancy is coming from. I pray with every fiber of my being that McKenzie will be born healthy because I am none too sure that mommy abstained. I actually feel that the reason Mikey is having issues is because Billie may have drank when was early in her pregnancy.

I honestly dont know what I would do if I was handed a baby from one of the kids that was hurt by something they had done wrong. Of course, actually proving that something like difficult child behavior is caused on purpose other than having drugs in the system at birth, is hard to do.

I am so not saying that Nancy should in anyway feel she should be responsible for either her dtr or this grandchild.

 

[Nomad]

I know a family (have mentioned it before) where the parents are not difficult children and are well educated. The interesting thing (in my book) is that they don't always learn from their mistakes though...a clear difficult child trait. But nevertheless, they have gone to college, work hard at challenging/responsible jobs and are kind/good people.
Sadly, they have two difficult child children. These children have children (grandkids).
Mom and Dad have adopted one of the children (a difficult child) and for the most part (75% financially if I had to guess) taking care of the rest. There are probably five kids in total. Fortunately, both Mom and Dad have high paying jobs/careers. However, even with that in their favor, money is often VERY tight, they are often exhausted to the bone and often fighting depression.

At my house, we are going through something right now with difficult child "losing" her phone left and right. Many of her phones have been destroyed, given away or sold. She's also out of food. Similar problem. So, I can relate to much of what Nancy has said. She does this repeatedly and no incentive we have tried, including going without a cell phone or hungry, has helped with reference to getting her to stop doing this or for her to plan her eating for the week.

There does not seem to be any cause and effect reasoning with difficult children and there are times that it seems not only very frustrating, but dangerous and even tragic. It is particularly alarming when we are talking about another human life.

But....I say enough is enough. We can provide some LIMITED help if and only if it doesn't hurt us. Steer them to social services.We've done our jobs. Now, we have an obligation to ourselves, our spouses, our other adult children and even our community.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

(((HUGS))) I hate this. I understand your anger. I whole heartedly do. I would feel the same way!! I am so sorry hon......

 

[Bean]

Aww, Nancy. Just read through this post, and my heart tugs a bit when I read your responses. It is apparent you are hurting. All the kid stuff, worries, fears, realities can wait. I just want to give you a hug, dear. A big hug.

 

[toughlovin]

Nancy, my heart goes out to you... .it is so darned heartbreaking that your daughter gets so close and then relapses and then this. My hope is she has had enough experience with recovery that this baby will be the thing that finally motivates her to true recovery..... because now her drinking will have a big effect on someone else, her baby. So my hope is that this baby somehow turns her around.

However I agree you have done all you can do and more. It really is out of your hands. It is up to her and her higher power. You do not have to make any decisions now about the future and your role with your grandchild. It is truly time to let go now.

I feel so much for you.

TL

 

[Nancy]

Thank you all. Your caring words have gotten me through these past few days. I had my couple days of crying and I still wake in the middle of the night in an awful panic but I am starting to let go. I'm trying not to think about the future or say anything I will rgeret. I haven't heard from her in days but in our last texts I told her I loved her with all my heart but felt that she wasn't thinking clearly and that I was very worried about her. She said she had many people who would do anything in the world for her so she was ok. For my own sanity I will not contact her again.

This is my worst nightmare, the thing I tried to avoid happening, the part of the cycle I was terrified she would repeat. I learned I don't have any power at all and the past twenty years we just babysat until the inevitable happened.

Nancy

 

[toughlovin]

Nancy you are right at this point you have no power or control over the situation. However you did a lot more over the last 20 years than babysit. You gave her love and support and a stable home. She would have been much worse off much sooner without you. You have given her a foundation which she is probably using more than you think. It is her life now and she will do what she will but you gave her a great deal which has protected her until now. Now itnis up to her.

TL

 

[Malika]

Nancy, I understand you may not want to hear this right now but a new baby is never a cause for despondency and despair. It is joy and life itself. And it may help turn your daughter round. I am sure you are right to let go and let God, as they say, but I cannot see that being pregnant is so disastrous for her. Forgive me if I seem to be saying exactly the wrong thing for you... Hugs.

 

[slsh]

Nancy - I can only second TL's thoughts. You did *far* more than babysit. You gave her the chance to have a different kind of life, to *not* repeat the cycle. It's so sad that she didn't take the chance, but.... you gave her the opportunity.

As I'm in the homestretch here with- all my kids, in terms of active parenting, I have to say the hardest thing is to watch them start making their own (bone-headed) choices. Must be the control freak in me , but there are some days I just want to smack them all upside the head and ask them if they ever paid attention to a single thing I tried to teach them. Mostly I just bite my tongue - I'm very quiet these days, LOL.

We've said it for years - from the time our kids were acting out in school, through police involvement and all their other lousy choices - their behavior, their choices, are *not* a reflection of our parenting. You know you did your very best to teach J good values, modeled how to live a responsible adult life, sought out resources to help her be a decent, law-abiding, healthy adult. The path that she's on right now is not because of any failure on your part.

You were/are a far more vital part of J's life than just a babysitter. You may not see the imprint you had on her, and she probably won't admit it, but.... I believe with all my heart that she's got a much better chance of getting her life together, under any circumstances, than she would have without your and husband's influence.

Many many gentle hugs to you.

 

[Bean]

For my own sanity I will not contact her again.

This is my worst nightmare, the thing I tried to avoid happening, the part of the cycle I was terrified she would repeat. I learned I don't have any power at all and the past twenty years we just babysat until the inevitable happened.

Nancy

Totally not easy, but probably good for you right now. It's hard not to get trapped in the cycle of Crisis and Response. Since this was something you dreaded would/could happen, I'm sure it hits that "Crisis" bone in you, invoking an almost physical and emotional response. It is hard to turn yourself away from that and force a different reaction.

Pregnancy happens in homes EVERYWHERE. With difficult children, and with straight-A, darned "good" kids. Remember that. I was reminded of that when I was surprised by a very nerdy kid telling me he had a kid at home. Sixteen when he became a dad. You would have never guessed this kid to be a father, let alone have a girlfriend and be knocking boots. But there it was.

Hang in there.