BusynMember
Well-Known Member
When my mom and Scott left me, I was not as good at this as I am now. My mom was the first and the worst because I misunderstood life and had it in my mind that if your mother didn't love you, you weren't lovable. Fortunately, I have gotten past that. Scott was also very hurtful, but at that point I really had to make a choice between Julie, whom he was suddenly tossing in the trash, and being silent about bad and hurtful behavior on his part. Maybe I did it wrong, but the end result was Scott walking away and never forgiving me, although I believe a child who had been with me since birth would have been forgiving. What happened between us was fixable, but it takes two. On and off it has hurt me, but I did much better with understanding how I could not change him and make him want me in his life than when my mother did it. I actually functioned pretty well and still feel I did right in defending Julie.
Now I finally had to do some walking away myself. This is the first time I've ever walked first, but I feel it is necessary. A dysfunctional family can cause people to be toxic to one another. My sister has really been cruel to me one too many times. The first time she did it, I was going through my divorce and she just told me, with no explanation, that she would never talk to me again. When I tried to find out why by calling her over and over, she called the cops on me. I didn't find out what her issue was for years as she kept her silence, and I missed her so much because I had taken care of her and she was so precious to me. Then one day she wrote me a letter and we cautiously started a relationship again.
Sis and I have been on again/off again since then. At first I thought it was me because I always think it is me. The more I got to know the real Sis, the more I realize she is a very petty and picky person who has the ability to be very cruel to lots of people. She didn't invite my brother to her wedding for ridiculous reasons and didn't speak to him for years too. Now they speak because my brother is a forgiving, good person. She does not treat him badly anymore partly because they don't talk that often and he lives far away.
A week or so ago, Sis called me while I was with a friend and the friend could hear every word she said because her voice was so loud. Sis shocked me by ripping me apart for posting something for her birthday on her Facebook, lamblasting met hat I "know" how she likes to use her Face Book and that she doesn't want me posting pictures or texts on there without her permission. The real reason turned out to be that I made a family joke that she and I go back and forth about all the time. Our family has kankles...really thick ankles...and I teased her on her FB and said, "By the way, family secret: Ankles. She went ballistic. I guess she thought her sort-of-a-boyfriend (a whole other story...he will never includ her in his life except for sex) would see and maybe ask her about the post. She has suffered with anorexia and I think she still does so her body image is of paramount importance to her but I never dreamed just putting down "ankles" would get her so angry. In the past, both of us have laughed about it. Also, it's not like I said, "Happy Birthday. Every year our kankles get fatter." Heck, she isn't even 100 lbs. If she gets to 100 lbs., she goes on a diet. She works out seven days a week for 1 1/2 hours every single day. Her ankles are NOT like mine...they are thick for her, but she has no fat at all on her body. She looks emaciated. Her maybe-a-boyfriend could never suddenly look at her ankles and think, "Hey, fat ankles. No more sex." I still don't really "get" her anger. It was extreme anger too and I think her tone was what finally did it to me. Something snapped inside of me. How I'd always felt about her changed. Suddenly I stopped feeling anything toward her, just that quickly. Enough was enough.
A few more petty things happened and she texted me to never contact her again.
She has done this so many times and she always gets back in touch with me. But s he messaged me and called me "Psycho" as a reference to my mental health issues (as though she has none). I thought about it and decided, she is better off out of my life too. She takes and never gives and gets angry at me over things I could never guess will anger her. I can no longer play her games. I am too old and my own life is becoming way too peaceful and happy to let her in just to remind me of the bad old days when Mom used to blame me for everything and reject me. I am tired of Sis telling me how everything is my fault. At one time, the only people I loved more than Sis were my kids. Not anymore. It's like I feel very flat about her now...she's my DNA, but not connected to me, at least not in my heart, not anymore.
She is going to really be surprised that I am taking her seriously this time. In the past I missed her and sort of chased her, like I had my mother all her life. I can't do that now. I learned too much. I plain just don't want to deal with guessing if I'm saying something that will set her off anymore.
I'm done.
My family is my husband and my kids and some dear friends I am starting to make. Family is who cares about you. Sis will have to go it alone now. I have been her support system since her divorce, which I thought was foolish of her to get, but I kept my mouth shut and made sure I was always there to talk to her when she was sad about money or her worthless boyfriend.
I don't know what she'll do now. Worse, I don't care. I'm too worn out to fight with those close to me anymore. And I'm sort of guilty that I"m not the least bit sad about it. I'm sort of relieved.
Just a vent. I don't know if most people can't even relate to this, but this is where I post when I have something to say to myself
Thanks for reading this, if anyone has. I love feedback when I get it, but I will understand if nobody has feedback to give on this issue
Now I finally had to do some walking away myself. This is the first time I've ever walked first, but I feel it is necessary. A dysfunctional family can cause people to be toxic to one another. My sister has really been cruel to me one too many times. The first time she did it, I was going through my divorce and she just told me, with no explanation, that she would never talk to me again. When I tried to find out why by calling her over and over, she called the cops on me. I didn't find out what her issue was for years as she kept her silence, and I missed her so much because I had taken care of her and she was so precious to me. Then one day she wrote me a letter and we cautiously started a relationship again.
Sis and I have been on again/off again since then. At first I thought it was me because I always think it is me. The more I got to know the real Sis, the more I realize she is a very petty and picky person who has the ability to be very cruel to lots of people. She didn't invite my brother to her wedding for ridiculous reasons and didn't speak to him for years too. Now they speak because my brother is a forgiving, good person. She does not treat him badly anymore partly because they don't talk that often and he lives far away.
A week or so ago, Sis called me while I was with a friend and the friend could hear every word she said because her voice was so loud. Sis shocked me by ripping me apart for posting something for her birthday on her Facebook, lamblasting met hat I "know" how she likes to use her Face Book and that she doesn't want me posting pictures or texts on there without her permission. The real reason turned out to be that I made a family joke that she and I go back and forth about all the time. Our family has kankles...really thick ankles...and I teased her on her FB and said, "By the way, family secret: Ankles. She went ballistic. I guess she thought her sort-of-a-boyfriend (a whole other story...he will never includ her in his life except for sex) would see and maybe ask her about the post. She has suffered with anorexia and I think she still does so her body image is of paramount importance to her but I never dreamed just putting down "ankles" would get her so angry. In the past, both of us have laughed about it. Also, it's not like I said, "Happy Birthday. Every year our kankles get fatter." Heck, she isn't even 100 lbs. If she gets to 100 lbs., she goes on a diet. She works out seven days a week for 1 1/2 hours every single day. Her ankles are NOT like mine...they are thick for her, but she has no fat at all on her body. She looks emaciated. Her maybe-a-boyfriend could never suddenly look at her ankles and think, "Hey, fat ankles. No more sex." I still don't really "get" her anger. It was extreme anger too and I think her tone was what finally did it to me. Something snapped inside of me. How I'd always felt about her changed. Suddenly I stopped feeling anything toward her, just that quickly. Enough was enough.
A few more petty things happened and she texted me to never contact her again.
She has done this so many times and she always gets back in touch with me. But s he messaged me and called me "Psycho" as a reference to my mental health issues (as though she has none). I thought about it and decided, she is better off out of my life too. She takes and never gives and gets angry at me over things I could never guess will anger her. I can no longer play her games. I am too old and my own life is becoming way too peaceful and happy to let her in just to remind me of the bad old days when Mom used to blame me for everything and reject me. I am tired of Sis telling me how everything is my fault. At one time, the only people I loved more than Sis were my kids. Not anymore. It's like I feel very flat about her now...she's my DNA, but not connected to me, at least not in my heart, not anymore.
She is going to really be surprised that I am taking her seriously this time. In the past I missed her and sort of chased her, like I had my mother all her life. I can't do that now. I learned too much. I plain just don't want to deal with guessing if I'm saying something that will set her off anymore.
I'm done.
My family is my husband and my kids and some dear friends I am starting to make. Family is who cares about you. Sis will have to go it alone now. I have been her support system since her divorce, which I thought was foolish of her to get, but I kept my mouth shut and made sure I was always there to talk to her when she was sad about money or her worthless boyfriend.
I don't know what she'll do now. Worse, I don't care. I'm too worn out to fight with those close to me anymore. And I'm sort of guilty that I"m not the least bit sad about it. I'm sort of relieved.
Just a vent. I don't know if most people can't even relate to this, but this is where I post when I have something to say to myself
Thanks for reading this, if anyone has. I love feedback when I get it, but I will understand if nobody has feedback to give on this issue
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