Malika
Well-Known Member
Tonight there was a battle in my house... and no winners...
All the trend of the past few weeks, that everything is getting better, that J is no longer impossible, that I know some strategies, that the hideous out-of-control oppositional scenes (involving both of us) are over, all crumbled tonight... And I ended up giving him three or four really hard slaps on the backside, for which I hate myself (of course), my own lack of control...
The scene: bedtime. J's bedtime is around 8. It's been a long day and he's tired. He had bath and supper as usual, then I said he could play for "five minutes". He was running outside looking through some new binoculars he's got. I called him in. He said "one more minute!". To avoid the show-down, not get into battle to no purpose, I say, ok, one minute but he must then come in when I call him. When I call him, he comes in. I say it's bedtime... he again says he wants to play with his toys for "one minute"... I insist, he starts veering towards tantrum. Again, to avoid show-down, I say I have a short phone call I need to make and that when the call is finished, it is bedtime.. He agrees. When the call is finished... he refuses to come. At this point I feel angry, my tone gets irritated, I feel as if I am being messed around, this is ridiculous... pick him up and take him to the bathroom to brush his teeth - at which point he goes ballistic. Hits me. Screams insults at me (French playground insults but still...) and then... spits. Which causes something to go off in me and I hit him... hard... which I instantly regret. The absurdity of telling him not to hit if I am going to do it...
But his behaviour feels so "crazy" to me, so out there, I think it frightens me... I don't want it to be like this, I don't want him to be like this (though he hasn't been for quite some time). I can't really yet accept that I have what you call a difficult child... Partly also my feelings arise out of the shame of knowing that our next door neighbours can hear all of this - my desire for J to be "normal", for us to have a "normal" relationship...
What if anything did I do wrong? What makes a four year old scream insults with rage and hatred? How do I make J into a normal child....? The last question is of course ironic. I know I can't. But I am still unwilling to really accept and deal with the violence within him... And then my own violence!!!
All the trend of the past few weeks, that everything is getting better, that J is no longer impossible, that I know some strategies, that the hideous out-of-control oppositional scenes (involving both of us) are over, all crumbled tonight... And I ended up giving him three or four really hard slaps on the backside, for which I hate myself (of course), my own lack of control...
The scene: bedtime. J's bedtime is around 8. It's been a long day and he's tired. He had bath and supper as usual, then I said he could play for "five minutes". He was running outside looking through some new binoculars he's got. I called him in. He said "one more minute!". To avoid the show-down, not get into battle to no purpose, I say, ok, one minute but he must then come in when I call him. When I call him, he comes in. I say it's bedtime... he again says he wants to play with his toys for "one minute"... I insist, he starts veering towards tantrum. Again, to avoid show-down, I say I have a short phone call I need to make and that when the call is finished, it is bedtime.. He agrees. When the call is finished... he refuses to come. At this point I feel angry, my tone gets irritated, I feel as if I am being messed around, this is ridiculous... pick him up and take him to the bathroom to brush his teeth - at which point he goes ballistic. Hits me. Screams insults at me (French playground insults but still...) and then... spits. Which causes something to go off in me and I hit him... hard... which I instantly regret. The absurdity of telling him not to hit if I am going to do it...
But his behaviour feels so "crazy" to me, so out there, I think it frightens me... I don't want it to be like this, I don't want him to be like this (though he hasn't been for quite some time). I can't really yet accept that I have what you call a difficult child... Partly also my feelings arise out of the shame of knowing that our next door neighbours can hear all of this - my desire for J to be "normal", for us to have a "normal" relationship...
What if anything did I do wrong? What makes a four year old scream insults with rage and hatred? How do I make J into a normal child....? The last question is of course ironic. I know I can't. But I am still unwilling to really accept and deal with the violence within him... And then my own violence!!!