So I’ve been reading these post and wow, what a relief to know I am not alone in the world when it comes to having problems, difficulties, hurt and pain. I am the single father of a twenty year old young man who turns twenty-one in four months. I have read a lot of post where people (mainly moms) give back stories on their children to help paint a picture, so here is mine (I apologize in advance for the length, just had a lot to great off of my chest):
My son was born surprisingly premature to his mother and I. I was very excited to learn he was going to be ok. After a few weeks he was sick and diagnosed with spinal meningitis and almost didn’t make it. I prayed so hard to God to spare his life. And he did. Growing up he always had difficulty just fitting in Or making real connections with kids. So many therapist or Dr.s diagnosed him with so many this or that! He was prescribed multiple pills. His whole life up until 14 I was on active duty in the Navy and I did have to spend multiple deployments of long periods away from him. When I would return after those deployments I tended to spoil him, plus I felt I had to make it up to him because he had three older half siblings who got to visit their dad while I was away.
After I retired from the Navy he started his eighth grade year and that’s where I first learned he was trying simple things with a friend like NyQuil or cigarettes. Later I was called into the principles office and was told he started skipping school and there was suspension of smoking weed but no hard proof. His grades were falling and they were recommending he repeat the eighth grade. My wife and I agreed with the recommendations and the following year he slipped further behind but barely made it to high school. During that same year my wife and I’s suspicion turned to affirmation when we found out he was in fact smoking pot. He grew up with a half brother who was consistently getting into trouble with drugs and alcohol and we couldn’t understand why he would want to start down the same path. My wife and I did what we thought was the right thing by providing a great house in a great community but darkness still found it’s way into my son. At one point he cried “suicide,” so we got him into a behavioral hospital and he was supposed to stay two weeks but was asked to leave for not following the rules because he was caught with a girl in a closet. A couple of years went by and he kept falling further and further behind in school. He turned 16 and I was trying to motivate him to find a job and get a license, but he had no desire. He would just say “why?, everything I need is in bike distance.” He did get a job, but quit after his second day. Said it was to hard to bag groceries and get carts from the grocery store. He was eventually kicked out of his high school for skipping and failing, so we had him enrolled into a home school program. My wife and I thought since he was doing schooling from home and my step-daughter moved out on her own, we could move a little closer to where we worked so we sold our house and bought another place.
Little did we know that was the beginning of the end. Just two months after moving I began to notice my sons behavior to take a drastic turn. He was always sneaking out of the house and was always messy. His room was always a mess but now there was opened food containers and bottles and cans filled with urine. I would of course make him clean it up but he would still continue the same habits and there were multiple fights! One night at two in the morning I got a knock on the door telling me my son was down the street at 7-11 and had been assaulted over a meth transaction gone wrong. METH!? I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I went to pick him up and he was bloody and in bad shape. He was takin to hospital and I was given advise to get him into rehab. My wife and I discussed it with him and he was promising he was going to clean up his act and not do any drugs. These new actions from him began to take there toll on our 19 year marriage and we fought a lot on how to treat his addiction. I always wanted to have a good relationship with my son. Something I never got to have. Looking back now I know I could of done more, but hind-site now. My wife and her daughter have birthdays that are one day apart and that year (2018) my wife’s birthday fell on Mother’s Day and she wanted to celebrate by going to Yosemite. My son didn't want to go so we decided to let him stay home and the three of us took off. I was unable to get any cell phone reception where we were so the next day I went outside the park to call him to see if he was ok. Instead I had a V/M from the hospital telling me my son had been brought in for an overdose of meth. So, for my wife’s mother’s day gift I had to tell her I was heading back down south to get him home and she and her daughter should stay and try to enjoy the rest of the weekend. I rented a car and drove to pick him up. Once home he was apologetic and once again swearing he wouldn’t do it again. My wife and I agreed he needed treatment and found a month long program for him. During his stay we fought so hard. All the stress and pain over the last couple of years and the fact her daughter, his half sister who was three years older and the step-daughter who I helped raise for nearly twenty years wanted nothing to do with him and refused to come over put a huge strain on our marriage.
So, we split up. There has been multiple separations during our marriage, besides deployments. We would fight, one of us would move out of the house and then we would make up. Now was different. We gave up. I’m sure the fighting and the arguments growing up had an impact on him but i didn’t want it any longer. He was able to finish that treatment due to failure to comply to the rules And was subsequently kicked out early. He first went to live with his mom but she soon felt like she couldn’t control him and asked me to take him in. I agreed and he moved in with me with the understanding he would finish school and get a job. Well, I began to notice the same habits, sneezing out of the house, dirty house while I was away, school callIng me. He always had an excuse! His mom seemed to have “checked out.” She would rarely call to check on him or come and see him. I found evidence of weed and I admit I let it slip. I guess I found it easier to let that slip than fight. Still no job and now he was 18 he was talking about dropping out and getting a GED. I was heartbroken and wanted to toss him out of the house but I loved him and once again wanted a relationship with the only person I had left on the planet.
I eventually met a woman from another town on her visit to the town I was living in at the time. I started visiting her on weekends two hours away and made the decision to move for a fresh start. I was hoping my ex would take him, but she gave an excuse about her apartment was to small. I brought him with me thinking it could be a fresh start for him too. I figured he wouldn’t know anyone and maybe his drug use would be a thing of the past.
After moving he did find a job (finally). He had that job for about a month, but was fired for calling in sick and missing shifts. I found weed and again let it slide but pushed him to find work and finish his GED. He always had an excuse. I finally convinced him to get his license and after a few attempts he achieved his license and that was one of the few proud moments I had with him. He failed to find work and eventually cried “suicide“ again. He was checked into the local behavioral health for some treatment. After getting out I thought it would be a good idea to sell him my car so he could have some transportation to find work. He did try but did more doordash and delivery type work and was making some money. He inquired about finishing his GED and I was hopeful. I was however at the same time noticing scuttle clues that something was off. He would be out all night and sleep all day. I would come home after work to a dirty house, dishes in the sink and we fought constantly. One day I had it and told him to get the *F* out! He started to pack and i noticed his speech was slurring and I told him to wait until later because I was convinced he was on something. He refused and left. The next day I got a call from the police saying I needed to pick him up for DUI injury crash and my car was impounded. I did it. I went and picked him up and found out he had now graduated to Herroin. I dropped him off at a treatment center and told him to get some help. I then had his/my wrecked car towed to my house.
He got out of treatment and then once again swore to do better. He was of course enrolled into aftercare and since now he was 19 I wasn’t allowed information. He got a job and it lasted a few months but due to the pandemic he was laid off. I tried like hell to get him to try to get unemployment and find a job but he just did the usual and dragged his feet. I even applied for jobs for him to try to increase his odds and it paid off. I got him an interview with Home Depot and he got the job! Well, that lasted 3 weeks and somehow he was let go. A couple of nights later he was out way late and I decided to go into his room to just snoop around and found needles And other indicators he was using again. I took a drive around town and found him and confronted him about what I found. He was apologetic and I once again told him to get out. But, he convinced me to give him another shot. I can’t stand the thought of my son being homeless and living on the streets especially in 100+ weather. The next day I went to talk with him and he promised he would go into treatment and he was clean and said I could check his room. I did, and found some little baggies and he let me know that he moved up to herroin and Fentanyol. He immediately began to make excuses about how he was going to get severely dope sick and I just threw away the very thing that would help him taper off until he could get help. I found a detox center and drove him there and checked him in. While there I found a residential treatment place for him and after detox, he checked into rehab.
Before checking into rehab he received all the stimulous money and recieved a unsecured loan for $4K because I put him as an alternate user on one of my credit cards to help build his credit without his knowledge. Now he is going into treatment with loan and fine payments from the previous DUI. While in treatment I forced him to send me enough money to get his car fixed from the accident from the DUI and maybe after he got out he could get his license and start driving again. A couple of weeks later he called me and told me he only spent two days in treatment and walked out and was now living in a shelter and wanted to try another center. He bounced back and forth from one shelter to another and I couldn’t stand the thought of it. I got his car fixed and he promised to get his
together if I gave him one more chance. He came home and found out his license was never suspended because it was reduced to a “wet and wreck less.” He got his license, registered the car in his own name and got it insured with the little money he had left. Once again, same ol same ol. He constantly had excuses for not finding work. I once again applied for jobs for him and got him an Interview with Walmart. I was away on a little vacation when he called me and told me last week he got the Job. I was so happy for him. I tried calling/texting him for a couple days but couldn’t get ahold of him. He finally texted and chewed me out saying he was fine and his phone was dead. I knew he was lying. A day later I checked my mail app and saw a letter from the police station saying something on the front about car impound. I called him and asked if his car was impounded and he started to cry and told me he got into another accident and was DUI. Heart broken to say the least. He then said he was leaving the house to go get treatment and he would be gone by the time I got home and he was.
It’s been three days now and I feel that nautious feeling in my stomach all the time. I’m constantly thinking about him and his situation he has created for himself. I don’t know what to do? He has caused me so much pain over the years and I just can’t go on. My girlfriend who I’ve been dating now for two years never wants to come to my house because my son gives me so much stress and the house is just filled with negative energy. We can’t move our relationship any further because of him. Now, he is getting between another relationship due to the added stress.
I’m just lost. He texted me today from wherever he is for treatment asking for $60 to pay for his cellphone bill and I agreed to send it through our mutual bank just so I can maintain some communication with him. His mother hasn’t seen him in almost two years now and rarely talks to him. She has just completely moved on with her own life while I’m stuck paying for all his food, medical and other crap! I guess I’m just asking if it’s ok to let him go? He has chosen this path and no matter how much I have tried to push him to be better he just falls back to his old ways. Thank you if you finished reading this. I have now been researching some Al-Anon meetings to attend. Just hard with my work schedule to go to any And I hate Zoom meetings.
My son was born surprisingly premature to his mother and I. I was very excited to learn he was going to be ok. After a few weeks he was sick and diagnosed with spinal meningitis and almost didn’t make it. I prayed so hard to God to spare his life. And he did. Growing up he always had difficulty just fitting in Or making real connections with kids. So many therapist or Dr.s diagnosed him with so many this or that! He was prescribed multiple pills. His whole life up until 14 I was on active duty in the Navy and I did have to spend multiple deployments of long periods away from him. When I would return after those deployments I tended to spoil him, plus I felt I had to make it up to him because he had three older half siblings who got to visit their dad while I was away.
After I retired from the Navy he started his eighth grade year and that’s where I first learned he was trying simple things with a friend like NyQuil or cigarettes. Later I was called into the principles office and was told he started skipping school and there was suspension of smoking weed but no hard proof. His grades were falling and they were recommending he repeat the eighth grade. My wife and I agreed with the recommendations and the following year he slipped further behind but barely made it to high school. During that same year my wife and I’s suspicion turned to affirmation when we found out he was in fact smoking pot. He grew up with a half brother who was consistently getting into trouble with drugs and alcohol and we couldn’t understand why he would want to start down the same path. My wife and I did what we thought was the right thing by providing a great house in a great community but darkness still found it’s way into my son. At one point he cried “suicide,” so we got him into a behavioral hospital and he was supposed to stay two weeks but was asked to leave for not following the rules because he was caught with a girl in a closet. A couple of years went by and he kept falling further and further behind in school. He turned 16 and I was trying to motivate him to find a job and get a license, but he had no desire. He would just say “why?, everything I need is in bike distance.” He did get a job, but quit after his second day. Said it was to hard to bag groceries and get carts from the grocery store. He was eventually kicked out of his high school for skipping and failing, so we had him enrolled into a home school program. My wife and I thought since he was doing schooling from home and my step-daughter moved out on her own, we could move a little closer to where we worked so we sold our house and bought another place.
Little did we know that was the beginning of the end. Just two months after moving I began to notice my sons behavior to take a drastic turn. He was always sneaking out of the house and was always messy. His room was always a mess but now there was opened food containers and bottles and cans filled with urine. I would of course make him clean it up but he would still continue the same habits and there were multiple fights! One night at two in the morning I got a knock on the door telling me my son was down the street at 7-11 and had been assaulted over a meth transaction gone wrong. METH!? I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I went to pick him up and he was bloody and in bad shape. He was takin to hospital and I was given advise to get him into rehab. My wife and I discussed it with him and he was promising he was going to clean up his act and not do any drugs. These new actions from him began to take there toll on our 19 year marriage and we fought a lot on how to treat his addiction. I always wanted to have a good relationship with my son. Something I never got to have. Looking back now I know I could of done more, but hind-site now. My wife and her daughter have birthdays that are one day apart and that year (2018) my wife’s birthday fell on Mother’s Day and she wanted to celebrate by going to Yosemite. My son didn't want to go so we decided to let him stay home and the three of us took off. I was unable to get any cell phone reception where we were so the next day I went outside the park to call him to see if he was ok. Instead I had a V/M from the hospital telling me my son had been brought in for an overdose of meth. So, for my wife’s mother’s day gift I had to tell her I was heading back down south to get him home and she and her daughter should stay and try to enjoy the rest of the weekend. I rented a car and drove to pick him up. Once home he was apologetic and once again swearing he wouldn’t do it again. My wife and I agreed he needed treatment and found a month long program for him. During his stay we fought so hard. All the stress and pain over the last couple of years and the fact her daughter, his half sister who was three years older and the step-daughter who I helped raise for nearly twenty years wanted nothing to do with him and refused to come over put a huge strain on our marriage.
So, we split up. There has been multiple separations during our marriage, besides deployments. We would fight, one of us would move out of the house and then we would make up. Now was different. We gave up. I’m sure the fighting and the arguments growing up had an impact on him but i didn’t want it any longer. He was able to finish that treatment due to failure to comply to the rules And was subsequently kicked out early. He first went to live with his mom but she soon felt like she couldn’t control him and asked me to take him in. I agreed and he moved in with me with the understanding he would finish school and get a job. Well, I began to notice the same habits, sneezing out of the house, dirty house while I was away, school callIng me. He always had an excuse! His mom seemed to have “checked out.” She would rarely call to check on him or come and see him. I found evidence of weed and I admit I let it slip. I guess I found it easier to let that slip than fight. Still no job and now he was 18 he was talking about dropping out and getting a GED. I was heartbroken and wanted to toss him out of the house but I loved him and once again wanted a relationship with the only person I had left on the planet.
I eventually met a woman from another town on her visit to the town I was living in at the time. I started visiting her on weekends two hours away and made the decision to move for a fresh start. I was hoping my ex would take him, but she gave an excuse about her apartment was to small. I brought him with me thinking it could be a fresh start for him too. I figured he wouldn’t know anyone and maybe his drug use would be a thing of the past.
After moving he did find a job (finally). He had that job for about a month, but was fired for calling in sick and missing shifts. I found weed and again let it slide but pushed him to find work and finish his GED. He always had an excuse. I finally convinced him to get his license and after a few attempts he achieved his license and that was one of the few proud moments I had with him. He failed to find work and eventually cried “suicide“ again. He was checked into the local behavioral health for some treatment. After getting out I thought it would be a good idea to sell him my car so he could have some transportation to find work. He did try but did more doordash and delivery type work and was making some money. He inquired about finishing his GED and I was hopeful. I was however at the same time noticing scuttle clues that something was off. He would be out all night and sleep all day. I would come home after work to a dirty house, dishes in the sink and we fought constantly. One day I had it and told him to get the *F* out! He started to pack and i noticed his speech was slurring and I told him to wait until later because I was convinced he was on something. He refused and left. The next day I got a call from the police saying I needed to pick him up for DUI injury crash and my car was impounded. I did it. I went and picked him up and found out he had now graduated to Herroin. I dropped him off at a treatment center and told him to get some help. I then had his/my wrecked car towed to my house.
He got out of treatment and then once again swore to do better. He was of course enrolled into aftercare and since now he was 19 I wasn’t allowed information. He got a job and it lasted a few months but due to the pandemic he was laid off. I tried like hell to get him to try to get unemployment and find a job but he just did the usual and dragged his feet. I even applied for jobs for him to try to increase his odds and it paid off. I got him an interview with Home Depot and he got the job! Well, that lasted 3 weeks and somehow he was let go. A couple of nights later he was out way late and I decided to go into his room to just snoop around and found needles And other indicators he was using again. I took a drive around town and found him and confronted him about what I found. He was apologetic and I once again told him to get out. But, he convinced me to give him another shot. I can’t stand the thought of my son being homeless and living on the streets especially in 100+ weather. The next day I went to talk with him and he promised he would go into treatment and he was clean and said I could check his room. I did, and found some little baggies and he let me know that he moved up to herroin and Fentanyol. He immediately began to make excuses about how he was going to get severely dope sick and I just threw away the very thing that would help him taper off until he could get help. I found a detox center and drove him there and checked him in. While there I found a residential treatment place for him and after detox, he checked into rehab.
Before checking into rehab he received all the stimulous money and recieved a unsecured loan for $4K because I put him as an alternate user on one of my credit cards to help build his credit without his knowledge. Now he is going into treatment with loan and fine payments from the previous DUI. While in treatment I forced him to send me enough money to get his car fixed from the accident from the DUI and maybe after he got out he could get his license and start driving again. A couple of weeks later he called me and told me he only spent two days in treatment and walked out and was now living in a shelter and wanted to try another center. He bounced back and forth from one shelter to another and I couldn’t stand the thought of it. I got his car fixed and he promised to get his
together if I gave him one more chance. He came home and found out his license was never suspended because it was reduced to a “wet and wreck less.” He got his license, registered the car in his own name and got it insured with the little money he had left. Once again, same ol same ol. He constantly had excuses for not finding work. I once again applied for jobs for him and got him an Interview with Walmart. I was away on a little vacation when he called me and told me last week he got the Job. I was so happy for him. I tried calling/texting him for a couple days but couldn’t get ahold of him. He finally texted and chewed me out saying he was fine and his phone was dead. I knew he was lying. A day later I checked my mail app and saw a letter from the police station saying something on the front about car impound. I called him and asked if his car was impounded and he started to cry and told me he got into another accident and was DUI. Heart broken to say the least. He then said he was leaving the house to go get treatment and he would be gone by the time I got home and he was.It’s been three days now and I feel that nautious feeling in my stomach all the time. I’m constantly thinking about him and his situation he has created for himself. I don’t know what to do? He has caused me so much pain over the years and I just can’t go on. My girlfriend who I’ve been dating now for two years never wants to come to my house because my son gives me so much stress and the house is just filled with negative energy. We can’t move our relationship any further because of him. Now, he is getting between another relationship due to the added stress.
I’m just lost. He texted me today from wherever he is for treatment asking for $60 to pay for his cellphone bill and I agreed to send it through our mutual bank just so I can maintain some communication with him. His mother hasn’t seen him in almost two years now and rarely talks to him. She has just completely moved on with her own life while I’m stuck paying for all his food, medical and other crap! I guess I’m just asking if it’s ok to let him go? He has chosen this path and no matter how much I have tried to push him to be better he just falls back to his old ways. Thank you if you finished reading this. I have now been researching some Al-Anon meetings to attend. Just hard with my work schedule to go to any And I hate Zoom meetings.
