Someone please help me understand addiction.

JMom

Well-Known Member
Lms1,

I am so sorry to hear of your loss, I can not begin to imagine your pain. To speak to your question in your post: I tried to understand the addiction as well. The closest I came to it was when my son described it as a little person inside him that begged to be fed. He said to imagine someone telling you that you could never eat food again. The thought seems foreign because food sustains you, keeps you from being sick and you immediately start telling yourself, maybe you could eat just once and the thoughts consume you until you eat. Your body feels starved. That was when he was on meth and heroine.

I can only imagine that the drug had such a hold on your son that it caused a tragic accident. I hear the sadness in your post, witnessing all the good in him, his capabilities. I am hopeful that you can hold on to the good memories of his sobriety and his worth. It sounds like he was a wonderful, brave young man. I know he has passed, but I would like to say thank you to him for his bravery-serving in our military. It takes a very special, brave and empathetic person to sacrifice himself for his country. He fought for all of our freedoms and I am especially proud of him and grateful. I am sorry that this terrible drug has taken him from you. I pray with you and your husband for peace and healing.

Hugs,
JMOM
 

lovemyson1

Well-Known Member
lovemyson. Regardless of how your son died, he was a hero. To me, everything that you have ever written about him, from the time he relapsed when the was in Victory Outreach, I felt how loving he was, his dignity and his goodness. I hope you accept tht there is no shame in the way he died.

I am thinking here of the parents who have lost children in the school massacres. How they speak out and reach out to other parents who come to suffer in the same or similar ways. These parents have in common that their children were robbed of their destinies, and with that, the parents too. Your son was no less a victim than these children. That he was a victim of something in himself does not change who he was.

At the same time, while our son was robbed of his destiny, by addiction, he played a role. I am going to say something hard here, lovemyson. I wonder if you on some level feel anger at him. Your son by taking the drug robbed you of the future that could have been. ou were robbed of your destiny, lovemyson. Of his marriage, of grandchildren. So many, many things. It is not only heartbreaking. It is wrong. It should not have happened.

Often the thing that makes grief and mourning so hard is the little bit of anger that we bury deeply.. We're not supposed to be angry at the dead. Especially if that person we love more than we love life itself. And sometimes mourning becomes so intractible for this very reason. I don't write this that you hurt more. I write this so that your suffering lessens.

Deep inside of us, we hope that if we sacrifice ourselves we can somehow reverse what is. We would give our lives that they would be spared. By this, too, we can punish ourselves for our anger.

I wonder if there's anything more to understand lovemyson, about addiction, except that it robbed your son and you and his Dad of the destiny that should have been. And that is wrong and unfair and should not have happened. But it did. Your son took that drug because he was an addict. And at the end this horror overtook all of the other things he was and could have had and could have been. It should never have happened.
Thank you Copa. I know you have been on this journey with me for a very long time. I am an optimist and it’s so hard for me to feel this darkness that has overcome my life. I guess I just never knew what a strong hold heroin would have over my son. I still don’t understand why he ever took it in the first place. But what you say is right and I appreciate your kind words. I am angry that’s true. I get mad because I think of everyone who loved our son and he knew how much he was loved and yet he still made the choice to use again. This makes me mad & at the same time extremely sad that he’s gone and no longer with us. I do so badly want him to be back I want to see him get married and have children and I’ll never have that and that breaks my heart.
 

lovemyson1

Well-Known Member
Lms1,

I am so sorry to hear of your loss, I can not begin to imagine your pain. To speak to your question in your post: I tried to understand the addiction as well. The closest I came to it was when my son described it as a little person inside him that begged to be fed. He said to imagine someone telling you that you could never eat food again. The thought seems foreign because food sustains you, keeps you from being sick and you immediately start telling yourself, maybe you could eat just once and the thoughts consume you until you eat. Your body feels starved. That was when he was on meth and heroine.

I can only imagine that the drug had such a hold on your son that it caused a tragic accident. I hear the sadness in your post, witnessing all the good in him, his capabilities. I am hopeful that you can hold on to the good memories of his sobriety and his worth. It sounds like he was a wonderful, brave young man. I know he has passed, but I would like to say thank you to him for his bravery-serving in our military. It takes a very special, brave and empathetic person to sacrifice himself for his country. He fought for all of our freedoms and I am especially proud of him and grateful. I am sorry that this terrible drug has taken him from you. I pray with you and your husband for peace and healing.

Hugs,
JMOM
Thank you so much for your kind words. Your description of addiction that your son gave you is quite clear to me. My daughter once explained that’s what she thought it was like as well. When we diet and we say we’re going to eat clean and then we just have to have that cookie or 10. She said that’s what she thinks addiction must be like. I am proud of my son he was so amazing, He was so outgoing, and yes he was very brave. I do celebrate his life and I know I will see him again when I enter heaven and I look forward to that moment. I’m so grateful that he found the Lord during his struggles and that he will be in heaven when I get there that means more to me than anything in this life. This life here on earth is temporary but our Life in heaven is eternal.
 
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