Son attempted suicide last night

[wisernow]

Hi Pigless. So sorry for what you are going through. Do you think that the farm may herald in a new beginning? I too wish you love and light. I find what you said to be very interesting:

"I think there is a power in being mentally ill. A power when your emotions override everything else in your family's life so that YOU are suddenly the focus of everyone's worry, actions, fears, and energy. I think that power is alluring. I had a front row seat watching it slowly destroy my husband, our relationship and our family. There were points at which he was still lucid enough to take a different path."

I see this with my son. I think its the manipulative part of him. Yes he has mental health issues but he also thrives on drama, the spotlight and sucking everyone's emotions up into a vortex of chaos. That's why I have had to detach and find my calm. Even though he is mentally ill, he does not need to continue to make bad choices. He has also many times blackmailed me with threats of suicide which rendered me incapable of doing anything for fear that he would carry through. I finally learned through therapy what he was doing was emotional blackmail. I could not believe that my own flesh and blood could do something so very very hurtful and for months I went through periods of grief, and anger. The detachment has helped me but the past events have changed my soul forever and that of my daughter who also shared as you say a front row seat in my son's drama.

What a journey we travel.....my arm is around you!

 

[BusynMember]

Our lowest lows can make us give up on ourselves (nobody can give up on ourselves but us) and we can also scream to ourselves and say "I wont let this defeat me!" Its easier to give up, I suppose, but I dont know first hand. I never gave up on me and I had/have a pretty serious now controlled mood disorder and many anxiety disorders. I made a conscious decision never to drink or take drugs because I knew they could only make things worse. This option is open to everyone. Mental illness does not force someone to drink too much or use drugs. Its just an easy way to temporarily blot out how you feel, but it stymies your functionality and motivation.

There is really no good excuse for using drugs or for refusing mental health treatment...the real kind, not the pretend kind of no therapy, pot, alcohol, any substances and making no progress. Self medication makes mental illness worse.

So does learned helplessness, where people start to believe that, for many reasons, they CANT do things for themselves. Maybe somebody has a serious disability, like autism. My autistic son accepts minimal help, lives alone, works, is happy and does better than many people who are not autistic. Its in the attitude. He makes great life choices and always tries his hardest. We can all do that.

I think some mentally ill people use that as an excise to quit trying and to guilting parents into taking care of them. I think its a mistake when parents allow their depressed or anxipus adult child to use those issues as excuses to refuse to work pr gain independence. Mentally ill people who are not schizpphrenic or psychptic can get help and live normal lives.

I think I did better because my parents were unwillimg to take care of me. I had to become functional even with severe depression and anxiety of every kind...nobody was going to care if I killed myself and I wanted to live, not die so I had to get serious and help myself. It was a gift ftom my parents that they never worried about me, although they didnt mean it to be a gift. It forced me to take care of myself.

 

[Nomad]

Pigless...Rushing today...so had to only peruse. Agree, you have such clarity re: your son's issues and your own personal needs. You've always had such wisdom and a good head on your shoulders. I feel so deeply for you Pigless. Life seems so freaken unfair. Although NO ONE should have to be burden with this crxp, it seems extra crxppy for it to happen to such a lovely and intelligent woman such as yourself. Thank you for your lovely, kind and informative update. You have my admiration, good thoughts and prayers. <3

 

[pigless in VA]

wisernow, has your son had any suicide threats since you have detached? What was your response?

When Ferb had the shotgun shell in his mouth I had a thought that was walk away and let him do what he is threatening to do. There was a piece of me that knew that all of this was over the $25 I asked him to pay for his internet service so that he could play Xbox. In the heat of the moment, I reacted the way any loving person would, and I called 911.

At the hospital and again yesterday with his therapist, he insisted that he was not really suicidal. That he had been closer to suicide many times before that I knew nothing about. He was only mad. I know Ferb. He will get mad again. Each time he gets mad it is worse. The next time will be worse and will probably happen when this woman dumps him.

I think I did better because my parents were unwillimg to take care of me.

SWOT, I had the same kind of parents. They stopped helping me with life when I was 12 years old. I don't think growing up at 12 is the best idea, but you have to figure it out for yourself at some point.

SWOT, I admire you for handling your own mental illness in such a sturdy and intelligent way. You are an inspiration!

That is in marked contrast to my late husband's parents who bailed him out of jail at age 55. I was the one who put him in there for violating a protective order that I had against him. He should have stayed in jail, not been "rescued" by his daddy.

Nomad, thank you for your very kind words. Life has been too rough lately. Kindness goes along way to making it better.

 

[BusynMember]

Pigless, thank you but I had no choice. Like you. And although it doesnt leave warm memories for us, the kids we lovingly cared for also dont remember a loving childhood. Crazy, huh? I think for me it was better that I realized young that only I could save me. If not, with my anxiety, i may have stayed a child, needing my parents to hold me up. But going home or getting even a dime from them or emotional support or anything but derision no matter how sick I was just was never going to happen.

The problem with bailing out our children and supporting our kids in middle age and beyond is that they dont have to grow up. 55. Seriously. He could have received senior coffee at his age and his 80 year old parents bailed him out of jail. in my opinion that is not being a loving parent. Its ridiculous.

I hope things get better for all of you soon.

 

[pigless in VA]

the kids we lovingly cared for also dont remember a loving childhood. Crazy, huh?

No, they don't but it is in there somewhere. Deep down inside wherever early childhood memories are hidden. There is a knowledge that they felt loved and nurtured and comforted and safe.

I think that is worth something even if they cannot access the memories directly. I know all the kids that I work with at school won't remember me years from now. But I hope at least some of them remember that I tried to connect with them and appreciate them for who they are. I'd rather be a positive than a negative.

Today is a much calmer day all round. I am going to do yard work in order to feel better for myself.

 

[BusynMember]

You are very wise and strong and you seem resilient, which is such an asset. Being able to bounce back from whatever our loved ones may do. Seeing a brighter day. This was a skill I had to learn and it is so useful.

Have a great day!!

 

[wisernow]

Hi Pigless....there have been no more suicide attempts from my son since I detached. I think he came to realize that I was on to the emotional manipulation and stopped using that form. He still tries to manipulate in other ways but I have slowly learned to take a step back and take my time in responding. I feel so badly for you and your daughter having to witness your son's attempt. I hope you are both in therapy and that your daughter talks about it. When my son tried to hang himself it was my daughter who found him making the attempt. While she is seemingly successful to the outside world (in medical school) she has significant trust issues because of all the turmoil. Lets say a lot of pain behind that beautiful smiling face. She has very little contact with her brother now, (they used to be so close) . We all still walk on tiptoes when around him. Not the way I ever envisioned my family. Hugs!

 

[pigless in VA]

Candy has an appointment on Tuesday. SO and I expect Ferb to ante up. That is the way he always proceeds. When he doesn't get his way, he acts out in an increasingly scary manner. That probably means he will try to hurt me the next time. He has made it abundantly clear that he feels nothing for any of us except intense loathing.

No, this isn't what I envisioned my family being either. Facing the reality sucks.

 

[theboyzmom]

I am sorry for your heartache. Please know that there is free help out there! Most counties have free CMH programs (community health programs) that he can go to for evaluation. I have personally saved my own son several times now by just going in with him and signing him up and leaving him there. He will stay a few hours and talk to a peer counselor. They are slowly making strides toward helping the mentally ill in this country as well as people with anger management issues (or lack of). It is important for him to get the help he needs. He may need medicine. It comes down to two choices, either he wants to live or he doesn't. That choice you cannot make. He will have to. As much as we as parents, friends, etc., try to prevent a disaster from happening, we can't always. Encourage him to get himself some help...

 

[pigless in VA]

Hello, theboyzmom. I was incredibly impressed by the new program my county offered at a local hospital. We took Ferb to the hospital at the beginning of January and spent all day in the ER waiting for a telephone consultation with an intake officer. We did speak to a nurse quickly, but the actual admission took about 8 hours. Ferb spent 3 days on a psychiatric unit. The result of that visit was medication which, up until now, he had refused to take.

This trip was much better. We saw a doctor and a counselor rapidly. To Ferb's credit, he has willingly seen a counselor since he was 8 and began having suicidal thoughts. At age 16 he requested that I find him an anger management therapist. We made a switch to the newer therapist who is also skilled at helping people through suicidal episodes. SO and I see another therapist in the group. They run a large, court ordered anger management group which often meets when we are there. They are skilled at helping men cope with anger.

Basically, Ferb is one of the fortunate few who has had help available. Ferb is saying to me now that he is much happier on the anti-depressants. He wasn't really going to kill himself Wednesday night. He was just angry with me.

I hope he chooses to want to live. He may not. I am trying to wrap my mind around the seemingly more reasonable idea that I cannot stop him from dying. I cannot even make him enjoy his life. I also cannot connect with him. He doesn't want a connection.

 

[pasajes4]

You are doing an amazing job. Your courage to share this journey will benefit other warrior parents.

 

[Childofmine]

Pigless, I'm so sorry for what you had to go through. My son threatened suicide several times, and once locked himself in his dad's garage and texted his girlfriend a picture of his cut wrist. I called the police and went there and they took him to the hospital. He continued to threaten suicide over the next months, and the last time he did it, I was there, got up "in his face" and angrily told him that I would call the police every single time he did it from there on out. He never did it again. I think in his case, that he never really intended to commit suicide, but he was clearly feeling desperate and for whatever reason, felt this was necessary, the thing to do, whatever it was. Of course, we never know if the person means it or not, so it gave me comfort to know what I would do the next time it happened. I am praying that your son finds another way to express his grief, fear and outrage and doesn't do this again. Hugs.