son back in jail update

[Acacia]

In my last post I wrote that my 32 year old son was furious that I told probation he didn’t live with me when they showed up at my door. I set the boundary that he couldn’t live with me or use our address for residence. He is verbally abusive, easily triggered, will not take any guidance.

Because of my codependency and lack of transition programs in our town, I gave him $5000 towards housing and transportation. I know that members here will understand without my going into detail how difficult it is to deal with an adult child who is narcissistic and oppositional. At 65 I just can’t do it anymore, especially since I broke my arm in three places recently and have been doing intensive rehab.

I came to see my sister in England where I am right now for respite. I did not tell my son because I did not want him to know that my husband is alone there and will be leaving to join me soon. My has lived there against my rules when I am away. After only three months he’s back in jail. I have lost count of how many times he’s been in jail. Jail has not changed him for the better and neither has anything I’ve done.

He blames me for everything wrong with his life and apparently tried to call me so many times from the jail that they automatically blocked the calls since no one answered. Even across an ocean I can’t escape the emotional toll. I will not bail him out nor visit him when I return, and I have no money to give him, but I still feel wrecked. Everyone close to me tells me I’ve been a loving parent, but that is not the way my older two see me. despite all the work I’ve done to heal myself, that still hurts. there is also the sorrow of his daughter in foster care. I just needed to share this with parents who understand and who have tried so hard and been put through so much.

 

[okie girl]

I feel you are doing the right thing. My son was in and out of jail also. This is so much like my situation was. My son went to jail for 3 years. He is doing good now but he told me that he had to decide he no longer wanted to live life on the streets. Disengage, change your phone number and breathe. Turn him over to your higher power. I am 67 and had tried everything. So sorry about your arm. Hope it heals fast. Hugs

 

[Triedntrue]

My son as well. He has a hearing in August so we will see what happens. He has been ok as far as i know lately . i really dont want to know sometimes. Sometimes i think my emotions involving him are shutting down i just feel numb like oh you got in trouble huh how about that. Other times its like i want to take him food or give him money . constant battle within me. I am like I believe we all are just tired.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Acacia, I am so sorry for your troubles with your son. You and I have a similar challenge, how to remove ourselves from the emotional pitfalls of two adult children off the rails.
That is what I am concentrating on, for my own self preservation.
Be it mental illness or drug addiction, these adult kids of ours know how to reel us in, use our love and despair over their own consequences to keep us entrenched and weakened.
This amounts to abuse.
That does hurt, a lot.
It does not surprise me that your son would take advantage of you when you are faced with health issues and recovery. I have come to realize that my two in their present state of mind and times in the past, see me as an opportunity. I am not a beloved parent in their eyes. If I don’t give them what they want, I am a terrible person to them. If I stand up for myself, and for what is right, it is wrong in their book.
My two also blame me for their choices and consequences. Acacia, you know that is a load of bunk. Adults have free will to choose as they do. It is an easy thing to place blame on a parent, for them, not so much for us.
We grieve over their choices and struggle with their outbursts and misplaced rage. We have both worked hard towards healing, and although I come across strong in my posts, I feel wrecked at times too. I believe that is because grief cycles like the tides. It is renewed with each incident our adult children get themselves into, and try to throw our way. It is harder still when grands are involved. My three are living with their paternal grandparents, their choice.That is another bridge to cross where grief is concerned.
And so it is.
Tough stuff to deal with.
I think it is important to honor our feelings, to let them flow through us, then pick ourselves up and move forward. Being a parent of wayward adult children is a challenge.
I am reminding myself as I write to you.
Do not see yourself through their twisted interpretations.
Yes, they are our children and we will always love them and be affected by their words, choices and consequences.
We don’t have to be infected by them. They are ill in their heads and hearts. They have a distorted world view, and do not walk this earth in the manner we raised them. They feel entitled, are not appreciative, don’t see the hurt they cause others and don’t care.
That in itself is a hard pill to swallow, but it is the truth. They are not the little children we raised, they grew up and made choices.
If my two continue to choose to try to take advantage of me, then I will keep them at arms length. Self preservation. I will always love them, but am wary of their intentions towards me. They have shown me too many times that I have to react with my head and not my heart.
That takes work. Yes, I backslide. I am learning that just the same as addicts have to work at recovery always, so do their loved ones.
It is stressful and strenuous, but not impossible to rise above.
I am glad you are at respite with your sister.
Forgive me, but your son being back in jail relieves you of the worry of him tying to get back in your home.
Sigh.
My Tornado is in jail as well. Curiosity got the best of me and I accepted a call from her, she is raging to get out. I will not bail her out, nor accept another call. It is more of the same old, same old. “Not her fault, what kind of person leaves their kid in jail..........”
I hope she gets the help she needs in there. Hope without expectations.
The call set me back, I won’t deny that. But, I refuse to let it wreck me. I am working through those feelings. She has been no contact for almost a year. Managed to blurt out in the minute call that she has been fending for herself on the streets and “You guys didn’t even come and look for me!
Do you even effing care or what?”
That rang through my head.
I have to remind myself how illogical that is.
She knows where I live.
It is her choice to live on the streets and use meth.
But somehow, in her mind that is my fault. Trying to trigger that old fog machine. I have to work hard at turning that dang thing off.
It is not easy. It keeps coming back to haunt me.
Sigh.
Lots of work to do.
We matter, all of us do. We are not rugs to be tread upon.
I hope that you are able to relax and heal your arm and your aching heart.
Stress is an awful thing, damaging to our health. Find ways to redirect your thoughts, to relieve yourself of this heavy load.
It is not yours to bear. It is your sons.
I will work on it too, Acacia.
We can do this.
Life is too short to allow another adult to take us for granted.
Even if they are our children.
They need to learn to own their choices.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

 

[okie girl]

The very best thing to happen to my son was prison. Didn't think I would ever say that. I was feeling the same way, just numb
I know all too well, the feeling of giving them food or money but they are very resourceful. I, too, fought the battle of helping but in the long run it's not good to give in to them.

 

[Acacia]

so sorry to mess up and have posted this thread twice.

New leaf - I definitely see the parallels in our journeys. Double heartache, but also the determination to be fiercely loving to ourselves and to learn healthy self care and boundaries.

I love what you say about being affected, but choosing not to be infected, which often means keeping those boundaries really strong.
I, too, have taken calls from jail always hoping that something is different and finding out that nothing is. I know that I am often traumatized by contact with my two adult kids because they honestly for whatever reason do not care about me or their impact on me. I also know that as long as they are blaming me, there’s no hope of a relationship.

I keep reading the posts of everyone here to keep me strong; otherwise I slip into the fog about my difficult children’s reality.
New Leaf you have a true generosity of spirit by sharing your story and by offering encouragement to those who are hurting .

 

[Acacia]

thank you for your kind replies .
Also, sorry for accidentally posting this thread twice.

Yes, we share that push and pull between head and heart. A 12 step slogan says “hands off, heart on,” so easy to say but so hard to do. Maybe it takes getting depleted before I actually give up the fight.

My son’s life is his own to save. Thank you for the support. I need it.

 

[Tanya M]

Acacia,

I know all too well what it's like to have a son in jail time and time again. My son knows better than to call me from jail. The only way I communicate with him when he's locked up is writing letters. He tried to guilt me into to putting money on his account telling me it's too hot, there's no air, they don't feed him enough, he needs different shoes than what he was issued, etc........ Funny how before he got arrested this last time he was living on the streets. I would think jail would be better than living on the streets. At least in jail you are fed three times a day, you get to shower, you have a bed to sleep in.

My son has also blamed me for how horrible his life is. I used to take it heart but no more. Our difficult adult children make their own choices, good or bad. We as their parents have zero control over those choices. It's much easier to blame us than it is to accept responsibility for their actions.

I'm sorry about your arm. I'm glad you are getting some rest at your sisters. Use this time to recharge yourself. Think about what you will do for yourself when you get back home.

Gentle ((HUGS))

 

[bluebell]

My son is only 21 but we've been at this for a while now. He's packed quite a bit in over the last 8 years. Drugs, jail time, multiple juvenile charges, attacks on my husband, destruction of very expensive property, guns in the house, totaled cars, I don't know where to stop. So I understand. I keep thinking how my mom died when I was 25 and how mature I was. I had a college degree, a good job, an infant and a husband. I thought all these things were burdens at the time of course, but now with my Difficult Child approaching that age and still so dependent and demanding of me, I don't know what he would do. And we are mortal, as your arm can attest.

New Leaf, I love the 'affected/infected' terms. Really a good concept to keep in our minds as we practice detachment.

 

[Acacia]

thanks Bluebell and Tanya - I am not happy that anyone else has to have experienced the pain we have, but it helps to know others understand and are finding a way through through the heartache.

I can hear in responses that you have tried your best, and love your children, but you have come to realize that you detach. It is never easy but it is possible. Thank you for your clarity and strength.

I too was on my own early in life and had to navigate my own way. It never occurred to me to live off my parents or to hold them accountable for my choices.

 

[Triedntrue]

Acasia i was just rereading your response about the things your son asked for from jail. They must have a script written somewhere. Those are exactly what my son asked for to the letter. Unfortunately at the time i gave in to many. Will not be that way if he goes again.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Acacia, you're doing the right thing. And, it is hard.

You mentioned being parentified as I've been..... that sets us up to be needless and wantless, to have no value except for the care of others, to soldier on no matter the cost to us, to abandon ourselves for others regardless of how much it may harm us.......it's a soul killer on every level.

We have to fight those archaic reactions and learn where our own boundaries lie, where our own real SELF is and what that authentic self wants. I made a strong commitment to myself to offer myself self love, self compassion, self acceptance and self forgiveness (for all real or imagined wrong doings). I put myself as the top priority in my life. I began looking out of new eyes. Self love was only a concept to me before. Now it's real. Once I began down that path, I began running as fast as I could because the empowerment to make choices based on what I want as opposed to what others need or want or demand, changed the playing field. I am now a player.......before I was the water boy in life, only showing up if/when someone was thirsty.

Regardless of what your other kids say.....don't allow them to sway your thinking......they are not the ones who are victimized by your son, you are. Take a stand for yourself. You matter. Your feelings matter. Stand tall. You've done everything you can for your son. You've done enough. He's an adult man. He needs to man up ........or not, but that's his journey, not yours.

I would encourage you to make sure your home is safe while you (and hubby) are away. Will your son remain in jail while you're away? If not, perhaps a house sitter? Asking the police to drive by? An alarm system with cameras? (you can buy those at CostCo fairly inexpensively) All of the above? Protect your home. Don't engage with him. Try to keep all thoughts of him out of your mind. Meditate. Take walks. Do what brings you joy. Practice gratitude. Write in a journal. Do whatever it takes to put your thoughts on you and what makes you happy. Switch the old patterning of enabling and putting your son as the priority. While you're in England with your sister healing, enjoy every moment, put the ruminating about your son away for at least the duration of your trip. Have fun with your husband & your sister. Don't permit your son to take any more of your moments of life and throw them in his toxic soup......grab your life and go live it. As a friend of mine says, "If not now......when?????"

 

[Littleboylost]

Acacia
I am sorry for this frustrating and pain. Detachment is what will keep us all sane. I come here often to fortify my vitamin D (detachment). It’s a tough road we travel and you are doing amazingly well. My son has had a taste of prison and had been in a residential rehab program. I pray he never goes back to jail. If he does our approach will be the same. Not bailing him out.

 

[Snow White]

Acacia - I'm so sorry you are where you are at right now. I hope that all of the positive reinforcement you are receiving here is helping you to get to a place where you can hopefully heal and enjoy some good times right now, especially when you are visiting with family. We had the same feeling of anxiousness and dread when we went overseas last year. The group here convinced me to put plans in place to protect our house and then go and enjoy ourselves....and we did just that. Thankfully, there was only 1 angry and belligerent email sent to me and I was able to delete it without hesitation!

We sometimes fail to remember that our children are adults and with that comes responsibility and consequence. You ARE a good parent. Lately I've mentioned to our daughter that her father and I are entering our retirement years and want to enjoy what time we have left doing things we enjoy. She replied, "That's selfish - you should be spending your remaining years fixing the relationship with your daughter. Sell the house and come traveling with me."

Time to put you and your husband first - self care to heal physically and emotionally. Hugs to you!

 

[Tanya M]

She replied, "That's selfish - you should be spending your remaining years fixing the relationship with your daughter. Sell the house and come traveling with me."

Wow, just wow!
Our difficult adult children just have no clue that they are the ones being selfish.

 

[RN0441]

Acacia:

So sorry to read this and agree with everyone's advice. We need to hear/read it over and over and over until we think it effortlessly. We must.

The pain we suffer watching our adult children live like this is indescribable.

Leafy I had wondered about your daughter. I am glad that you have decided to refrain from contact. She has not grown at all unfortunately.

I have just relocated so trying to get acclimated so haven't been on much but I am attached in my heart to you all.

 

[joysheph]

Everytime I feel weak and wanting to just let my son in my home I come here. My answers are always on a thread here. I become strong I hold my head high as I read the words of others who are going through the same exact crap as I am! I we deserve a sanctuary our sanity. My son got out of jail last night after serving 6 months and he broke into my home again while we were at work. He stated he dont want to be on the streets or go to dope houses. He said he wants to be with family. He wants to go to a sober house. I am trying to get through to him that he broke in and that's a crime. I should called the cops. I know this but didn't. As hes pleading and being a narcissistic ass I get on the site and read and read. I came across this thread and yelled enough I'm done I have boundaries and you violated it. I demanded he leave. He said he dont want to do drugs so I found a bed in a sober house and he said he dont like the way the guy talked. Then I said get out! I'm sorry yall have to go thru this but we deserve to be happy!
Joysheph

 

[Kalahou]

Good job, Joy. We are in this together. You did well!! Stay strong !