Son is in Jail

[Lil]

LBL I am just so very sorry. There is no greater betrayal than to steal from the people supporting and loving you and I know from experience how that betrayal rips your heart out. Please be kind to yourself and try to keep busy so your brain doesn't get too deep into the dark places.

 

[New Leaf]

There is no greater betrayal than to steal from the people supporting and loving you and I know from experience how that betrayal rips your heart out.

ME too, LBL and Lil, Jabber, and everyone else who has gone through this.
It is horrific and unimaginable.
A huge slap upside the head and heart.
Drugknapped.
Addiction.
It makes people do what they would not ordinarily do.
Robs them of their conscience.
LBL, forgive me, but I have thought more than once or twice that jail just might be my twos saving grace.
I suppose we have been through this for so long.
Sigh.
Well, then.
A time to grieve, a time for anger, a good cry, do what you need to get all of the feelings out.
Process it.
You have done everything in your power to try to turn this around for him.
It is on him.
Big teddy bear hugs LBL.
Leafy

 

[Littleboylost]

Bad day folks. Reading the support helps.

 

[Copabanana]

i agree with the others. in every single point.

you left no stone unturned.

people will hurt us and betray us. often they are our blood. i am not sure why we feel ourselves the shame but i know i do.

you love your son with all your heart and soul. the anger is but one manifestation.

like others say he is exactly where he needs to be. they may have placed him on suicide watch due to his instrumental threat.

i pray he does not get bail. but this is out of your control and responsibility.it is almost as if this was scripted. as if you have been on
a spiritual workout program to face this, in the months prior.

while you may not feel so, nobody could be stronger than you are to deal with this right now.

the love, the hope, the faith strengthened you as much or more than the boundaries. i believe that. like warp and weave of the strongest fabric.

there is nothing to do right now except care for your husband and yourself.

your son has begun his adult journey by going on to the open road far, far from home.

i continue to believe this is immaturity, hubris and drug addiction. but whatever it is, it is not yours.

you have no more role in this. society now has taken charge. it is out of your hands. this is better. in a paradoxical way. for him and you.

he demonstrated that there is nothing at all you can do. nothing.

his chances are now one hundred percent located in him.

all of us believe that there is a right and better thing we can do. and then another. and another. until there is nothing left to do.

oh. i wish i could reach through this phone and hug you.

 

[startingfresh]

oh, LBL my heart just sunk when I read your post. I want to scream and weep along with you. Such good advice on here, I can only add one thing that works for me. When it gets so so hard to bear, music helps me. Download spotify or some other free music streaming and find a song that brings you back to a happy place. Its kind of like exercise for me. I forget how much it helps and then when I make the effort, I feel so much better than I thought possible. And unlike exercise , it really takes zero effort. Warm hugs today.

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

I was going to suggest that you try to get to a twelve step meeting today.

Any fellowship - the steps are the same regardless.

Al Anon might be the closest fit to Naranon. Others have recommended Families Anonymous. I have no personal experience with that particular fellowship but it might be another one to try.

Even a phone meeting will help. You need the company of others during husband's absence.

I hope you are able to keep in touch with hubs via phone during his absence. He needs you too.

 

[Littleboylost]

i agree with the others. in every single point.

you left no stone unturned.

people will hurt us and betray us. often they are our blood. i am not sure why we feel ourselves the shame but i know i do.

you love your son with all your heart and soul. the anger is but one manifestation.

like others say he is exactly where he needs to be. they may have placed him on suicide watch due to his instrumental threat.

i pray he does not get bail. but this is out of your control and responsibility.it is almost as if this was scripted. as if you have been on
a spiritual workout program to face this, in the months prior.

while you may not feel so, nobody could be stronger than you are to deal with this right now.

the love, the hope, the faith strengthened you as much or more than the boundaries. i believe that. like warp and weave of the strongest fabric.

there is nothing to do right now except care for your husband and yourself.

your son has begun his adult journey by going on to the open road far, far from home.

i continue to believe this is immaturity, hubris and drug addiction. but whatever it is, it is not yours.

you have no more role in this. society now has taken charge. it is out of your hands. this is better. in a paradoxical way. for him and you.

he demonstrated that there is nothing at all you can do. nothing.

his chances are now one hundred percent located in him.

all of us believe that there is a right and better thing we can do. and then another. and another. until there is nothing left to do.

oh. i wish i could reach through this phone and hug you.

Thank you Copa. Today is a fatigue day. Husband is gone for business. I have a job interview I am heading out to (worst timing ever!). I have been in my own head and wrestling with the FOG.

I suppose it’s a natural unnatural process. When I look at the ugly side of life such as the size of the jail he is in, 100 Football Fields in size. A Super jail by Canadian standards. I am not so special.

A dear friend asked me how I think parents of murderers and pedophiles cope. Good question it got me out of my own head and panic/Pitty party mode.

FOG is Steven King thick. Need to find a way through it. There is no way around this, I have to go through it.

Naranon meeting tonight. It is not my favorite support, this forum and a few close sage Srug moms are primary. Ur if I come home for the evening I fear the FOG will deep inside my head again. Preventative maintenance.

I journal here. It helps. And I in turn I hope it helps others.

The deciept still rocks me. I can understand the impulse grab of tempting money for the addict. But this calculated, premeditated repetitive theft while boldly worming his way back into our home; it still makes me feel faint and physically ill. It comes in waves.

Will jail be his bottom? Will he ever hit bottom? Who knows. Is he safe. I hope so. He is certainly the poor boy in the prison pod. I am not putting any money on his books so he can barter for contra-ban and drugs.

If this hardens him further this is his choice. If this provides to be a road to salvation this is his choice. This is his choice.

I will Greive and no longer in perpetuity, the boy I knew is gone. He will never come back to me. There will always be a barrier of suspicion and doubt always.

Deep breathing and meditation helps.

I send energy to the universe to help him find his way.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Oh LBL, I am so, so sorry.

I know that deep, profound betrayal you feel, the raw grief and anger.....there is nothing that compares to the insult to our hearts when our own children cunningly, with premeditation do harm to us.

As everyone has said, he is now suffering the consequences of his choices. And, so are you and your husband. I know about that shame you mentioned. When my daughter was arrested the first time, it was in the local paper which folks felt compelled to bring to my office at work to show me. That shame you speak of spread like wildfire thru me. Often, on some level, we parents believe that the actions of our kids are a reflection of not only our parenting, but of our values and beliefs...of who WE are. They are not. They are separate entities from us. As you move thru this devastating time, you'll be able to let that part go.

It takes time to get thru this level of betrayal.......but we do......you will.....we will circle every wagon we have here around you, we're here for you.....you're not alone. Hold on to that....you're part of this tribe of warriors.......our hearts may be battered and wounded, but they are stronger and more solid too....we stand with you.....every one of us......You are not alone LBL....

 

[Littleboylost]

Oh LBL, I am so, so sorry.

I know that deep, profound betrayal you feel, the raw grief and anger.....there is nothing that compares to the insult to our hearts when our own children cunningly, with premeditation do harm to us.

As everyone has said, he is now suffering the consequences of his choices. And, so are you and your husband. I know that about shame you mentioned. When my daughter was arrested the first time, it was in the local paper which folks felt compelled to bring to my office at work to show me. That shame you speak of spread like wildfire thru me. Often, on some level, we parents believe that the actions of our kids are a reflection of not only our parenting, but of our values and beliefs...of who WE are. They are not. They are separate entities from us. As you move thru this devastating time, you'll be able to let that part go.

It takes time to get thru this level of betrayal.......but we do......you will.....we will circle every wagon we have here around you, we're here for you.....you're not alone. Hold on to that....you're part of this tribe of warriors.......our hearts may be battered and wounded, but they are stronger and more solid too....we stand with you.....every one of us......You are not alone LBL....

I can’t thank you and everyone enough. Ovsr the past two years I have lost both of my parents and have by necessity alienated all but one sibling. It is a lonely place to have these challenges.
I have purged my thoughts here like talking to a best friend. It has been the most therapeutic thing I have done. My therapist monitored the site for a while and now reccomends it as a resource to her patients.
This site gives me the courage to survive this nightmare.

 

[recoveringenabler]

LBL, you have ample courage to survive this. You've handled yourself honorably, always thinking thru each step and acting out of strength, conviction and a united front with your husband. You represented grace under enormous pressure.

Like you, I have spent many years letting go of family members and losing people in my life. Now that I am (almost) as old as dirt, I have learned one important thing about letting go. It is the hardest thing we ever have to do..... to let go of loved ones to their own path in life.... and protect ourselves from the toxicity they often bring to us.....HOWEVER, that letting go leaves a vacuum within us......and that empty space ultimately fills up with compassion for self and self acceptance....which then brings acceptance of what is ......and a great relief......which then ushers in.....more love.

This is the hardest part now. It's the shock of reality.

What helped me at my darkest hour with my daughter was to place her in the hands of the highest power, the spiritual source you believe in......I surrendered to that.....

......there is no more for you to do.....it is out of your hands.....

Nourish yourself. Be very, very kind to yourself.

We're all here for you......

 

[RN0441]

LBL

Another thing I thought of - your son is probably not the only one HIS age in HIS situation in that jail.

I remember when my son went for 2 days due to a bench warrant because he refused to go to court and we actually called the police (without his knowledge) to come take him so he could DEAL with it, I was very worried.

He came home later and told us he was with the guys that had DUI's. Had all kind of stories to tell. Well it wasn't so bad. He didn't want to go back though.

That wasn't the end of his crap by the way but just wanted you to know that you are probably making it worse in your own head. We tend to do that.

 

[wisernow]

so very sorry for this turn of events. Perhaps however it will be his rock bottom and he will begin to make the changes he needs to. For you and your husband, I know how very very much this hurts. You did likely save his life because it sounds like he was spiraling. The trust and betrayal will take a very long time to rebuild and that part of it is up to him. Not you. I think some distance is good for you right now. Please take care of yourself. Could you join hubby on his trip? Go somewhere and visit someone? Forcing yourself to do something is not easy but it will help you gain some perspective. Many Many hugs to you!

 

[Littleboylost]

Hubs will be back Friday evening. I have work and a few things on my agenda.

My mantra today is bailing is enabling I will not do this.

I am getting a bit of heat to bail son out. I am not liking it one bit.

 

[ColleenB]

Just checking in to see how you are... I imagine you are emotionally and physically exhausted right now.

Hugs and good vibes sent to you.....

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

Resist LBL. Do NOT bail him out. He is 18, an adult. Let him learn his lesson.

You can see with your own eyes that he is not ready to live by your rules.

Bailing him out tells him that you do not mean what you say and he can do as he pleases.

You may need to hire a lawyer of your own and cut (legal) ties with him once and for all. Painful, I know But it seems to me you need to be divorced - literally - from his poor choices.

 

[Lil]

The day he met me and begged to come home he used 2 foreign account cards stolen from my husband to make 3 withdrawals.

All in all over 12/13 days he withdrew over $5,000 with 9 transactions.

I am getting a bit of heat to bail son out. I am not liking it one bit.

If he stole from your neighbor, would your neighbor bail him out?
If he shoplifted from a store, would the store bail him out?
If he'd robbed a bank, would the bank bail him out?

YOU are the VICTIM of a CRIME. He has stolen thousands of dollars, right? The victim does not bail out the perpetrator.

 

[Littleboylost]

I am perplexed at why his girlfriend mother text me that she was speaking with Duty Cousel and Evan is running out of options. And that we didn’t want him to have a criminal record and would like to see him get a job and pay us back.
It pulled me down a Rabbit hole a bit
Then I got a call from his Diversion coordinator and when I said he was incarcerated he is, as expected, rescinding divversion for the original theft charges.

I am perplexed here. Not a frequent flyer if court. If any one would care to take a stab at sorting this out it would be great.

He has juvenille charges for possession of pot and cocaine as well as theft.

He is going to court tomorrow for his possession charges and they will rescind his Diversion for theft. The crown is asking for probation. Can he pleaded guilty and get probation. While he is incarcerated??

Also if he pleads guilty for his current charges it is my assumption they will also give him probation but as he has no bail, he will have to wait for sentencing in jail. Can he be on simultaneous probation? My brain hurts trying to figure this out.

I found myself in the parking lot of the jail....visiting hours.....I gave myself a reality check. I carry around the debit withdraw slips from his recent theft....I drove away.

 

[Littleboylost]

I was going to suggest that you try to get to a twelve step meeting today.

Any fellowship - the steps are the same regardless.

Al Anon might be the closest fit to Naranon. Others have recommended Families Anonymous. I have no personal experience with that particular fellowship but it might be another one to try.

Even a phone meeting will help. You need the company of others during husband's absence.

I hope you are able to keep in touch with hubs via phone during his absence. He needs you too.

I am heading to a meeting now. Forcing myself to go. I just spoke with husband....From the jail parking lot....good call! I did not go in to visit. I drove away. He won’t be clear minded he will be in the ugly throws of detoxing from all the crap he takes.

 

[Copabanana]

i want to say a couple of (unpopular, perhaps) things.

first. you love your son. i would venture to guess you will love him beyond the grave.

second. you and his father have been victimized, badly deceived and betrayed by him.

these two incompatible facts create an intolerable tension for you-and would do so for any good parent. this tension has a name-cognitive dissonance.

we deal with this, by default--by some sort of distortion. for example, by denying the reality of one or the other of the cognitions. but there are alternatives. one is to consciously embrace both conflicting cognitions. i guess you would call this radical acceptance.

you went to the parking lot because:

you love him. you fear for him. you long for him. he is your beloved. he will be that forever.

you left there because:

he is now a de facto criminal. a grown man who to grow into a good man must face the consequences of his acts.

when i was about 21 and in an excellent university (i paid for it and supported myself) i went to a counselor or dean and asked for a couple of bad grades to be expunged. he said something i did not then understand but never forgot.

he said: i won't. why would you ever want me too? it's your real life.

i would try to resist any pressure to make this easier or to disappear for your son.

but i hope you open your heart to you. he remains your boy. nothing will ever change that.

 

[Littleboylost]

cognitive dissonance

I would extend that to Cognitive dissonance and the Codependant No More. Radical acceptance is exactly where I am at.

Very well said Copa! I feel better after Naranon meeting this evening. Made some decision to speak to council by phone tomorrow but not to go to court. Distance remains best for us all at this point in time.