Son is in Jail

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Littleboylost, Nov 14, 2017.

  1. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Son is in jail.

    Essentially he is the biggest Duper going. A con artist extraordinaire! Drug addict, con artist and possibly a true sociopath.

    The day he met me and begged to come home he used 2 foreign account cards stolen from my husband to make 3 withdrawals.

    All in all over 12/13 days he withdrew over $5,000 with 9 transactions.

    I woke around 1 am and for some reason I felt the need to search his back pack.

    I found weed, the bank cards and $700.

    I woke husband. Husband completely forgot about these cards that were in a file in the office. Husband does everything with these accounts on line. Clearly son had been routing through everything and anything.

    We woke him up and asked him to leave immediately. He acted out I called 911 he pushed me and grabbed my phone. He hung up. They sent a car anyway. He heard the siren and bolted.

    I suspected he went to new GFs house. Text threatening to kill himself and all other sorts of manipulative BS.

    Bcs of threat of suicide police had to continue search until they apprehended him. They brought in a few more cars and a canine unit. I gave them address of new girlfriend said her mom is a police officer as well. I felt in my gut that is where he was. Police said the knocked several times and called the girlfriend phone number, no answer.

    They then found moms name and contacted her. She was at work. She confirmed daughter was home. Police knocked again she still wouldn’t answer. Mom had to drive over to her house from work and unlock the door to her house. Son was there they arrested him.

    Took him for processing and sent him straight to jail. No holidng cell. I searched his room and found other items he had taken including a new wallet I had just bought myself.

    Remember he is 18 now no more youth court and now his youth file will not be automatically sealed once he is finished with his punishments for those crimes.

    We pressed charges. He is being charged with possession of MJ, breaching bail, 9 counts of theft and 2 counts of international fraud.

    Was in bail court today. John Howard Society are not offering bail program to him. Duty Cousel called me to ask us to post surity for his bail.


    Called numerous people so far no takers for his bail surety. I hope he doesn’t find anyone!

    I am in a state of mental chaos and I am physically ill. I feel like I am in a bad slow motion dream sequence and can’t wake myself up. Nothing feels real.

    I fluctuate from sheer panic and hysteria to anger that is so dark and raw the thoughts I have of my son are unspeakable.

    I do not want to see or speak to him because I know I will say things out of anger that I will regret. I would say I have no son and you are dead to me. You will never darken my door again!

    I feel that way now I truly do. If I was near him I would have a hard time refraining from hitting him; and once I started, I would have trouble stopping. Very dark thoughts.

    My husband is a very quiet and stoic person. He collapsed in a heap and wept so ferociously that it completely shattered my heart to see this. I can’t get the image out of my head.

    I have nothing else to say I have nothing left to give.

    Had an emergency meeting with therapist today. It helps but not much right now.

    :censored2: this :censored2:. I am done!
  2. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    My heart aches for you. It really does. I can only imagine the pain you are going through right now and no words will comfort you during this time.

    When our Difficult Child (ren) make bad choices we are shaken to our very core and nothing is real. When we are the victims of their choices it is like searing knives going through our heart.

    You have to do whatever you can do to get yourself through this. Take one day at a time and one moment at at time.

    Know that you did the right thing. The right thing is often the hardest thing. You had to stop him before things got worse.

    Knowing that I would rather leave my purse out in a room full of strangers than on my kitchen counter in my home with my son sleeping in his room speaks volumes to what we have been through also.

    Hugs and things will get better. The first cut is the deepest.
  3. StillStanding

    StillStanding Active Member


    I have been away from the board for a while for a variety of personal issues (some related to my difficult child but not all.)

    I read your post today with such sadness. I'm sorry for you and your husband. I'm sorry for your son. I feel our heartache as much as I feel my own.

    You are not alone.
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  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I am sorry beyond words.

    They dupe us when they use drugs, hon. I got it bad...daughter started dressing preppy, told us she was clean and did not go out or bring home one scary friend for a few weeks before we planned on leaving her alone at home to watch our dogs while we took our littles to a water park hotel for two nights. She must have been exhilerated as she planned two nights of party, booze and pills.

    The littles wanted to come home early so we only stayed one night and came home the next evening. Surprise! Scary kids spaced out all over and a large bowl of various pills greeted us.

    That was it. We finally threw her out. But, boy, she had put on a good act for us just before.

    It took me two years to believe she had quit. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop.

    LBL, you are far, far, far from alone, and most of us can feel your broken heart. I have nothing unusual to say, but you never could shock him straight. Im sure he never expected to end up in jail.

  5. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    I don't know what to say, I know I have no words that will comfort you. Just so you know you are not alone in this nightmare, there are lots of us suffering in such similar ways. The pain feels like it will never end. I will pray for you and your son and hope you and your husband can comfort each other through it. Massive hugs xxx
  6. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    I am just heartbroken for you and your husband. It’s the total betrayal that is crushing. When they are using we can forgive things due to the addiction but the blatant betrayal of trust and the theft is just so hard to understand. I can’t even begin to imagine how crushed you are feeling. Just when you were thinking he was turning a corner.

    I am so sorry. I hope you take some comfort in that you really did do everything you could for him.

    Hugs xoxo
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  7. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    All you can do is give thanks. This is the best place for him right now. He needs to be in jail, needs to be accountable, needs to be away from the environment that prompts his deceit and crime. Give thanks that you followed your intuition to search his pack, and to act as you did, and for the timing of the police apprehension.

    This arrest (“rescue”) may indeed have saved him from himself and from more criminal activity in the works. He is now safe where he is and you are safe. He is no longer your concern. He is now the “state’s” responsibility. Try to feel some relief and some peace. The turmoil of the recent confusion will gradually settle down. Certainly, your feelings, your understanding, your relationships are changing. But you are going to be alirght. All is well. Breathe.
    Limit your contact with him. No need to visit or accept any calls. Let him feel some pain about it (if he has it in him to feel.) There is nothing you need to do, except take care of yourself. Bless.
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  8. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    Oh no, LBL

    I am heartbroken for you and hubby.

    I hate that he did this horrible thing, but especially after you opened your home to him again.

    You are amazing, loving parents for having taken that risk, and for following through with what had to be done.

    Addiction is evil. Funding their fix is all they can work towards. (I can share some stoeies of my brother’s unthinkable lowpoints, if it would help.).

    My husband is also stoic, and broken from betrayal.

    You are not alone.
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  9. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Yes! I have to stay out of my own head, it’s a dangerous place to dwell.

    I so wish this wasn’t so. Yes it is so very hard to do the right thing. The brain has to anesthetize the heart to get the courage to move forward and act in the right way. We must remember if love could cure this none of us would be here.

    This speaks volumes of where we are at in our own personal space doesn’t it?

    This is what I pray for. Our therapist today told my husband and I to ensure that we prepare for the variables of outcomes that can come from this latest turn of events. To respect that he variable is choice and it is sons choice, not ours. We don’t own the outcome he does. That is making more and more sense and the FOG is lifting.

    CB I can not tell you how much what I did in terms of calling the police and pressing charges, had to do directly with knowing we had done everything possible to help him.

    Yes he is removed from the open environment it is exactly that a rescue. He will get detox the hard way but it will happen. With a clear mind he can make his next decisions for himself in a better fashion.

    Yes indeed you are so right. I do not want to see him right now. I am too angry.

    Thank you all for your kind support. The hardest thing I did after calling the police on my son was to refuse to bail him out. That call came from the Court House today. And the next difficult thing I did was post this turn of events here. We wear their shame for them. Why we do I will never understand, but we do. It is what it is.

    The Shame of being Duped, taken for a ride for the umpteenth time, and the shame of raising this addicted man child.
    I need to unlearn this wearing of shame. There is no shame in anything I have done!

    When we isolate ourselves we cut ourselves off from our supports, that is dangerous to do.
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  10. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry. There are no words to describe all of the emotions that come along with this. Circling the wagons of support, with heartfelt wishes for your peace. You will get through this, one small step at a time.
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  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry he abused you and your trust like this. I am glad he used the manipulation of suicide threats because it meant the police had to go find him. He thought it meant a cushy hospital and no consequences. You don't get that as an adult if you have broken the law.

    I hope nobody bails him out. Please don't be hard on yourself. You can only do the best you can with the information you have. You listened to your instincts and went through his bags. You found what he had stashed there because you knew something was wrong. Now he is seeing what the adult system is like. Chances are he won't like it, but it won't be bad enough to scare him off of drugs. If it was that bad, lots more people would quit using after going to jail. And then some lawyer would sue the jail for being too mean.

    Do whatever you can to be nice to yourself and to your husband. And don't forget to do something to let some of the anger out. Scream into a pillow if you have to! It is normal to be really angry in this situation. Don't let it tear your marriage apart if you can help it. Direct it onto inanimate objects that you don't cherish if you can. If you don't let it out, it can eat you alive.

    (((((hugs))))) I am so sorry that this had to happen.
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  12. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am so sorry that you are going through this.
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  13. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member


    I am speechless and heartbroken for you and your husband. I don`t think there is much worse pain than having them use our faith and hope against us, to target us that way.

    Your anger is completely understandable, as is your grief. It is ok to take all the time you need to decide how you feel about this.

    The only silver lining in this might be that you will get to know your son clean and sober. You don't know how much of him is the drugs talking, and you might not know for awhile. There were certainly easier ways for him to get clean, but he crapped all over every one of those opportunities. He has made his choice, and it's out of your hands. His choices, the outcome, your son are all out of your hands.
    Last edited: Nov 14, 2017
  14. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Thanks SS. I am so wounded and angry this is gong to take some time to get over. Hubs is going on a business trip tomorrow. Timing sucks for that.
  15. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Thanks Albie
    I am still floating in this altered state. It’s going to take some time and therapy to get through this.
  16. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Oh LBL. I'm so sorry.
    When I found concrete evidence, once again, that our son had located my purse in "the new hiding place", our therapist said "well, it was ordained that you found that". Sounded unfeeling at 1st, but I came to realize I so needed to "get it", otherwise nothing would have changed. I thought as always, son was better.
    Betrayal of trust and using our hope against us, that's the crux.

    ...and I try to remember feelings aren't facts...feel the pain, spew the anger in a pillow and then do something for you or someone that would appreciate it. Now's the time.
    He gained consequences for his actions and for that you now hurt. Had it not been you and your finances involved, other people or situations would have brought the same result or much worse. I have felt, as many here, that my son is safer in jail and the truth is, until he is clean, others are safer if he's in jail also. My heart wishes this wasn't so...big hugs LBL-I know how much you must hurt. You did the right thing.
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  17. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Thank all of you for your support. I managed to get a few hours of quality sleep last evening.
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  18. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Hang on LBL. Stay strong and hold on to husband. This is awful, but it is part of son's journey and also your own.

    You can love him from as much of a distance as is needed right now.

    When he does finally kick his addiction you can move closer to him again.

    I hope these consequences start him down the road to true recovery.

    You sound, for the situation, very good.

    We are all here for you!
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  19. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    LBL, I am waiting for my flight home and decided to jump on this site to check on things. I was rejoicing when your son had seemed to turned the corner. My heart plummeted when I read this post.

    You are truly a warrior. In short order you have experienced the most intense highs and lows of life with a Difficult Child. Through it all you have not waffled on your stand for what you will and will not accept from your son. You are allowing him to benefit from the consequences of his actions. It sucks rocks to be in this place.

    He will write his own story. You will add a chapter to yours. Your story and how you dealt with it will help many parents in their journey with their children.

    I am sending you many gentle hugs and prayers for your son.
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    Last edited: Nov 15, 2017
  20. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Very tough start to today. Husband is away on a business trip. I am alone with my thoughts. That is not a good place for me to dwell.

    Thank you for all your support and advice. It keeps me going.