***Standswithcourage***

[standswithcourage]

Well it is Sunday and I feel the need to go see my son at the jail but I am not looking forward to it. It makes me feel so guilty. I dont really want to go but feel he probably needs to see someone from the outside. I have written him 2 letters and sent a book and two magazines and have heard nothing from him. Sometimes it just worries me but I try not to do that either. My husband is out of town and will be back sometime today. My easy child son has to work today and I am just sitting here thinking. If I go down to the jail again and see no improvement I just dont know what I will do. I know he is not where he can get help. Sometimes I feel he wants me to feel like he is getting worse in their and that I think it is help for him and it is not - so he makes me feel like that. I just cant handle it but the problem is that I feel like I should. I know I talk crazy - that is why I come here!!!! Any thoughts?

 

[trinityroyal]

Well it is Sunday and I feel the need to go see my son at the jail but I am not looking forward to it.

Susan,
Instead of going down to the jail today, I'm going to suggest that you do something for yourself. Go to church, an al-anon meeting, go get your nails done or buy a new dress.

Do you have a girlfriend or two that you can call up and meet for lunch?

From your post it sounds like you're at loose ends, with your husband away and your easy child son busy with his things.

If you can't sit and enjoy the quiet stillness of a Sunday with nothing to do, then you need to fill up your time with activities that are good for you.

Sometimes I feel he wants me to feel like he is getting worse in their and that I think it is help for him and it is not - so he makes me feel like that.

You say that you have sent your difficult child money, books and magazines, but you haven't heard from him. Have you noticed the pattern, that he only seems to contact you when he wants something from you? That when you do something nice for him that's not on his list, that you get no acknowledgement for it whatsoever?

I know how hard it can be, but you need to show your difficult child and more importantly, yourself, that you will not be manipulated by him. Going down to the jail, seeing no real change, worrying yourself sick...that will all just perpetuate the cycle that led your son to the position he is in. I'm not saying it's your fault. Not at all. Your son is an adult, he made terrible choices, and now he's in jail.

But clearly, what you've been doing up until now hasn't worked. Your difficult child doesn't seem ready to change what he's doing. So the only thing in the equation that can change is you. Change your behaviour and it changes the whole dynamic of the situation. Others can't react the same way as always when you give them new behaviour to react to.

It's very hard to break old patterns and it makes you feel terribly uneasy and anxious to do so. But if you can get through the anxiety, you will find that each time gets easier, and you will reap the benefit.

Saying prayers for strength and comfort for you.

Trinity

 

[standswithcourage]

Thanks Trinity! You are so wise. Sometimes I think some of you could teach a seminar on detachment. I appreciate your thoughts - it is just what I needed. I hope you are doing well.

 

[standswithcourage]

Well I tried to go see him today but was too late - I was 6th in line and you have to 5th! Sooooooo - I met an Alanon friend for coffee instead. She is having a time with her 24 year old who is back living with her now. Anyway, I havent heard from him and was just wondering how he was but I guess it wasnt in the cards for me to find out.

 

[susiestar]

Good. He really needs to contact you in a positive way before you go out of your way to do much for him, like visit him.

I havenot said anything about this before, I don't think. So here goes.

My bro is an alcoholic. He has over 5 years sober. Well over. Maybe close to 7 years. Not sure.

When he was drinking he was horrible. My parents overlooked it/called it other things for years. He also waxed and waned on how much he was drinking.

He finally got into serious trouble. One Easter morn my parents got a call about 1 am. He had been arrested for alcohol and gun related felonies. Someone was playing rap music in their truck at the gas station on the corner 2 doors from his house. He got sort of dressed (a hat, jacket and boots - ONLY. It may be Oklahoma, but that still doesn't count as dressed.) and went to the gas station waving a pistol.

My folks bailed him out. I was torn about that, esp since he abused me badly for many years when he was drunk. Less than 2 weeks later he drove my dad's truck into the side of his (bro's house). he was on his way home from vandalizing a house - said he was supposed to look at it to rent it, but 2am is an odd time to go house huntingIMO.

My parents LEFT HIMTHEIR. He called me, in another state, to borrow bail $$$. I told him I had no $$$ to help him, and would not give it if I had it. Too much history, sorry youare in jail, gotta go. Don't call again, I can't afford it.

Mom and dad had a trip to Europe scheduled. they were really scared what would happen to him. They arranged for a rehab. He went there, then was home for a week or so before they got home.

They gave him 1 shot at rehab. Told him up front that this was his only shot. Mess it up and we will drop you off at jail. They did some of the family stuff, and I went to some things later.

HE got the point. He still says if it wasn't for the 2 weeks in jail, looking at the other guys thinking "I'm not going to end up like them" then realizing that is exactly where his road was headed, he would NOT have been able to take advantage of the benefits of rehab.

He also went throgh Menders, a program for men with anger and violence issues at a later point.

The point is, he had ONE shot, and took it.

How many times has your son gotten another chance? Has what you have done helped him? It hasn't? So maybe you have to leave it up to HIM. STOP sending things, stop visiting, just let him handle things.

I know it is hard. It was very hard when I had to have my young difficult child removed. He was only14. But eh had to GO. No other choices if the rest of us were to be healthy.

Work on the rest of you. difficult child has taken too much time and energy. Put those resources to use where they will be helpful.

Sending hugs,

Susie

 

[DammitJanet]

Im going to respond to your question about could he be getting drugs in jail. Yep! I know of several people who have been arrested for bringing drugs into jails...and some of them are guards. Also the inmates smuggle it in from the outside. I could give you a primer on that. Hell...they didnt search Cory well enough one time when he was picked up that he managed to keep his cell phone on him. That could have been quite a lot of drugs or even worse. I was astounded.

Cory has also reported on some homemade booze they make in jail using fruit and honey buns. They save their orange juice from breakfast. I cant imagine drinking anything so nasty but I guess if you are desperate.

Point being...it doesnt much matter. They can get contraband in or out. Its what he wants to change that matters.

 

[standswithcourage]

That is true. I find myself thinking about him because I havent heard from him. I want to find someone who can tell me he is ok! I dont know what the outcome will be - sometimes I think they will send him to rehab if the drug court thing doesnt work but then other times I just get in a panic - I know it is out of my control - I think back to when he was arrested for stealing a beer out of a convenience store when he was 17 - the officer told me he was trying to help him and slapped him with a resisting arrest charge when he turned around and said you arent taking me to jail - so after that it has just gone down hill - I just wonder if I had taken up for him more but I did to a point - then when he was a danger to himself and others I had to turn him in - and I did many times - I just wonder his learning disabilities - was this part of that - his impulsiveness to do the wrong things - I just keep going back to the things that make me think because I am afraid for him - I am circular thinking I know and stinking thinking! You are right Janet about getting drugs in jail - I would venture to say he is that is why I havent heard from him - I know it is awful in there but when they arrested him this last time he said it was a relief - he had two fines to pay in different counties that he had been arrested in and he couldnt afford them - oh well - I could go on and on - thanks for listeninig.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Sweetie,

you REALLY have to stop beating yourself up.

You CAN NOT change the past. There is no what if. What has happened has ALREADY happened. PLEASE give yourself a break.

The fact that you are stuck in your circular thinking about what might have been, had you done this or that differently, is directly part of the cause that you cannot detach from him. Girl, you have GOT to let go. Bring this specifically up at an AlAnon meeting, or are you seeing a therapist? You need to get past this so that you can move forward.

I love hearing from you when you have spent time with your family and you have put the difficult child issues out of your mind.
*note, I did not say you stopped loving and caring about him. You just stopped obsessing.*
You are so on your way, but I think this is a big stumbling block for you.

Hugs hugs hugs!

 

[witzend]

I'm glad that you and your husband were able to get away and have a nice weekend with each other. Everyone deserves that.

I sometimes just wish I could do something to make it all normal without feeling like I am going ahead with my life while he suffers.

If you were to read this sentence back to yourself, I wonder if you could see what an oxymoron it is. The normal part should be your life. Going ahead with your life while he suffers - or becomes a productive member of society - or just gets his act together - is normal. Feeling that there is anything wrong with moving on "while he suffers" is totally wrong.

He's been in jail for what, 5 or 6 months now? I mean, M has been gone from our home for 5 years now, and it's true that a day probably doesn't go by that I don't think about him. But the h377 if I will feel guilty about his position in life!

I'd like to ask that you start a new thread. This one is over a month old and has really outlived it's usefulness. It seems to bring you back to an unhappy place. It might be easier for you to move on if you took each thing in your life as it's own. You went out of town, that was a good time to start a new thread.

You seriously need to move on. Revisiting where your son is and how sad he must be is not healthy. For him or for you. Honestly, it's a little disturbing that in all of this time you haven't had one word of concern for the 15 year old that you son was getting high with. It does not matter one iota who got the drugs from where, your son was 24 years old, nine years older than this child. Your son had the responsibility that every adult has to protect the child, not engage in illegal and illicit activities with him. He is where he should be. When will you allow yourself to be where you should be? (Not in his head.)

 

[DammitJanet]

I dont know many people who wouldnt wish we could have a magic wand that would make things better. If all the time, effort and love us parents have poured into these kids by the time they are 18 hasnt had the effect we hoped it would have, driving ourselves insane now isnt going to help.

Let me tell you a little story. I was a huge difficult child as a teen/young adult. I did many a thing that I shouldnt have done. My parents divorced when I was 18 or 19. 19 I think. When that happened my mom did everything in her power to enable my bad behavior because it kept me dependent on her. My father on the other hand basically told me to get over myself. I was not allowed to live with him, not allowed to drag him into my messes. He really didnt want to deal with me if I was being stupid. He told me he loved me, he always would, but that I had made my bed. Call him if/when I got my life together.

He always cared about my kids but he refused to enable me. It took him quite awhile to see that I had changed before he would do more than send my kids presents or an outfit or two.

Now? He is my strongest supporter. He was so proud of me when I graduated college and it meant more to me to have him proud of me than anything. I have talked to him in the last few years about what he did for me. I think he gave me the kick in the pants to turn my life around. I adore the man. Im thankful he stood his ground when it couldnt have been easy. Im sure he worried horribly about me. Im his only child. Now he worries about me but in the normal parental way. He isnt worried Im out drugging or doing illegal things. He knows if he sends me money Im not going to spend it on drugs or partying. Now he just worries if Im healthy, how I am feeling, yada yada.

But I still couldnt go home again.