Stealing from us again!

[BusynMember]

His dad was a piece of work/ drunk, my nephew moved out at 17 and got a job, finished school and went to college. He's had a rough family life. My son who has not had to deal with any of these problems turned out just the opposite. I just don't get it.
Stressed

Sadly, I think that IS the problem. When our children are overindulged they often (not always) seem to expect it to continue, especially those who seem to be wired to be lazy, addicted or just not your normal "I-want-to-be-independent" teen. My husband joined the military at 17 and got his GED (very high score) in the Air Force. Soon after his father died of cancer and he paid the mortgage for his mother until she got on her feet. Being a traditional family, she had not worked (this is another problem I see. Moms are not home...kids running wild. Divorces. Steps. Etc.). Anyhow, he was not brilliant or a special teen. He was an average student who had a good heart and had a strong sense of responsibility. He drank too much sometimes in the Air Force, but stopped when he married and now doesn't drink at all and he's not an alcoholic. He just stopped playing games once he had responsibilities. (His first wife was not me however).

The entitlement issues is a bad one when certain differently wired adults are given everything. They don't understand that rules do apply to them and that childhood has an ending. Seriously!!!! Can you imagine us demanding our parents support us while we laid around and maybe did drugs in our over 18 years? LOL. Yeah, right.

But here are many of us doing it.

 

[wakeupcall]

I can't even imagine what my parents would have done if I had been a slug and laid around the house and did drugs. BUT I wouldn't have even considered it. What does this mean? How does it ever get into their minds that it's okay? MY parents, truly, would have thrown me out the first time. I was almost thrown out for coming home late from a date!!!

 

[Lil]

My mom and dad put up with the occasional high school drinking. I didn't even get in trouble coming home drunk from my senior party, but it was literally a mile from my house in the country, so driving wasn't a problem. But when I was 20 years old and didn't get home by my 2 a.m. curfew when I was home from college, my mom tracked me down and my MARRIED friend's house and chewed my butt big time! Thing of it is, I never even thought of being like our kids. I don't really know what mom and dad would have done...but mom would have probably kicked my butt.

 

[BusynMember]

I grew up in an entitled town where parents had nannies and the kids had all highest level name brand clothes and toys and definitely new cars in high school, but it didn't take me long to bail out of there fast (didn't like the snobbery) and realize that they didn't live a "normal" existence. Many of those kids were paid to go to college just to get out of serving in Nam. Their parents didn't want their sons going to war. Or they paid them to run off to Canada.

Today you don't have to be a very rich kid to be an entitled one. It blows the mind. by the way, my parents not only didn't spoil us, but we were all teased for the appearance to our peers of being from a "poor" family. My mom about threw me out at eighteen, and I didn't even do drugs, have sex, or break the law in any way. Didn't drink alcohol either. I was eighteen, sometimes I mouthed off, and she wanted me out...so I planned how to get out with a "D" average in high school, mental illness, and learning disabilities up the wazoo...I married a guy who was just like my father. If I hadn't found somebody to take me off their hands, I'm sure I would have learned about homelessness as my parents did not care if that happened and I knew it.

The last words my mom said to me before I shakily walked down the aisle, knowing it was a bad match, was, "Now that you are getting married, no matter what happens, you can never come home." And when I got divorced she stood by that as did my father who was living with a uber-wealthy women in a mansion. Both of them did not think to offer even temporary aid and comfort...lol. Kids expect it these days. I did not ask and it was not offered. In fact, both said some version of, "Well, if you want to leave ex, don't expect anything from US!"

 

[overstressed]

Hi, all had been quiet for a while with my son until last night. Around 9:30 the calls started, I ignored the them until he called his mom. He never calls her because she don't listen to any of his bullcrap and tells him like it is. So we answered, them was an episode of some sort with the friends he was staying with and the told him he needed to find somewhere else to stay. He wanted me to come pick him up and let him stay at our house, i said no. He saye=s he's standing out in the rain with no where else to go, I tell him even though it breaks the no contact order I would take him to the shelter. That was when his 17yo girlfriend gets on the phone and starts telling me how good he's been doing, not doing drugs, going to church ect. I tell her that it's going to take more than a couple of weeks to repair our bond after what happened the last time i saw him and that I've heard all of this before and I'm not going through it or putting the rest of my family through it anymore. She says that he doesn't care about the rest of the family but just me, that I was his best friend and he wants our relationship back, that he's crying like a baby ect. Then when I still refuse she commences to tell me what a real piece of sh%t I am for treating my son like I have and that maybe if he were my son (remember he's adopted) I would treat him like I do my daughter, who is an Honor roll student and has never been in trouble of any kind. That hurt. How big of a lowlife I am an so on. Then she hangs up and I haven't heard from them since. Now the problem is that this girl goes to school with my daughter and has several classes with her and I am afraid she will try to start something. My daughter was asleep when all this happened last night so I didn't get to let her know what was going on but I ask my wife to tell her that if his girlfriend tried to start any drama to just walk away and try to avoid her. What else can I do?
Stressed

 

[BusynMember]

Ok...why did you talk to her? You should have hung up on her. She is obviously with him for a reason. She does his arguing for him. I would never speak to her again. She probably wants a free place to stay with you too.

Nothing is going on. Some disrespectful young woman, who isn't even your own family, was bratty on the phone to you. Don't make it bigger than it is. Next time, tell him he can only text you and if it sounds like he wants a handout for something don't respond. I think it's easier to do it if you limit it to texting.

If girlfriend keeps bothering you, you can file harassment charges and it will be on text. Seriously, nothing is knew, is it really? Same song, same music, same lack of respect, same everything.

Be really nice to yourself today and don't let this stranger, his girlfriend, ruin your day. And don't let your son ruin it either. He has made you doubt yourself enough and has made you cry enough tears already. It's time to get your life back now.

You were smart not to believe son had a sudden transformation. I'm a big believer in "actions speak louder than words." Show me the job. Show me you are hanging around with nice people. Show me that you can find a place to live. I'm big on "show me."

I hope your daughter can just ignore her and hang with her own friends so this drama queen is never alone with her.

 

[2much2recover]

I would call the school to alert them to any possible bullying or other situations that may arise, you don't have to go into great detail but just tell that a phone conversation came in and you are concerned for your daughters safety. Don't hesitate to name the person who you spoke to. (the 17 year old) Obviously your son has scammed this young women into believing untrue things about you so also oblivious he HASN'T CHANGED - at all - now he is just abusing you by proxy. Please Overstressed don't send double messages by saying he needs to stick to the court order but you are willing to break it. Your son is in fact dangerous to you and your family. This is especially important because the mention of your daughter, says he may be willing to hurt her if he can't get you to do what he wants. Frankly, you should shut off all contact with him. It seems to many any contact that you have with him right now is just either abuse, bullying or manipulation.

Please don't take seriously anyone connected to your son says about you. Seriously, does this 17 year old know any of the FACTS of what your son has put you and your family through to get you to the point where you are now? No, she is only parroting what he has told her. At 17 she hasn't faced any adult realities so she can mouth off all she wants but all she is doing is abusing you FOR YOUR SON! Also a lot of what she says sounds to me like manipulation - as in how you owe him - WAKE UP CALL: you don't owe him!

That was when his 17yo girlfriend gets on the phone and starts telling me how good he's been doing, not doing drugs, going to church ect. I tell her that it's going to take more than a couple of weeks to repair our bond after what happened the last time i saw him and that I've heard all of this before and I'm not going through it or putting the rest of my family through it anymore.

It IS going to take months if not years, if ever before you see any real change so you are on the right track on that one.

It hurts when we hear other people say bad things about us as people. That doesn't mean any of the things they are saying are based in fact. You have tried everything you can do to help your son and how did he last re-pay you? With a big ole wallop upside the head. That is who he is, how he operates. Stay clear of the whole mess and talk to your daughter about protecting herself. Get in touch with the school to as we all have become way to familiar with what kind of violence can go on at school.

Hang in there over-stressed, one day at a time.

 

[2much2recover]

Don't know if you caught this post but maybe an eye opener: http://www.conductdisorders.com/com...ngly-hard-all-on-its-own.59686/#axzz3RMJb0XjM

 

[Echolette]

I have had 1/2 dozen young women call me over the years to tell me what I am doing wrong with difficult child. The first one I was just sort of surprised and amazed (she was in, maybe, 8th grade). Honestly I was kind of impressed with her aplomb. MOre recently...well honestly I let most calls go to vm now, and I just never call them back. There is one who is severely bipolar herself who I am kind of fond of...her struggles are apparent, and she deals with them valiantly. I see that she sees difficult child for who he is.

It was harder for me to learn to not be undermined or hurt by the case workers and social workers who called and told me about my failings. THAT hurt, and took a lot of postig on this board to work my way through!

All which is to say..I suggest you not engage. You can tell them now is not a good time, you can cut them off and say oops I have something on the stove, you can hang up the second they introduce themselves, you can listen and thank them for their time...whatever works for you, or a different approach each time.

They have no idea of what they speak. YOU know. WE know. Let it go. YOu have enough to deal with without letting wellintentioned ignorant people undermine you.

Hugs today,

Echo

 

[overstressed]

Ok, I offered to take him to a shelter, nothing more. I know this would have broken the no contact order but it didn't happen. I knew it wouldn't. As Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) as his girlfriend goes the have been in an on and off relationship for about 3 years. She has seen what he has put us through but still thinks we are wrong for not letting him live with us. She is very smart in school but not in common sense, she has grown up with both parents being addicts and alcoholics so I guess in her mind it's ok. I'm not defending her by no means, just giving a little back ground. Evidently my son stayed where he had been staying last night, I got a text from him telling me I needed to come pick him up and to do so right away because the guy was threatening him if he didn't leave. I responded no I'm not, I'm not getting off work, just gather your things and leave. His reply was, and go where? My reply was, I don't know! Then I heard nothing for about 3 hours. Then he text, I wish you would just do the right thing. I didn't reply and probably won't hear anything until around 10:00 tonight. That"s when he usually starts when he wants something.
Stressed

 

[Tanya M]

I agree with MWM in only communicating with him via text.
Do not let what his girlfriend said shake you. She is operating on information that your son has fed her, not the truth. Our difficult children are masters at spinning their lies, painting the parents as horrible people all in a maneuver to get people to feel sorry for them.
If he asks what he's supposed to do tell him "you're capable of figuring that out on your own"
The fact that the people he has been staying with want him to leave speaks volumes.
My son has the same issue, he will get people to feel sorry for him, they help him, then his true colors come out and he's down the road again.
((HUGS)) to you......

 

[Childofmine]

I am so sorry for the ongoing stress that contact with him is putting you through.

For a long time I had to nearly completely stop all communications with my son because the situation was exactly the same. I never cut it off completely but it was to a point where I would accept a call from him between 10 and 11 am in a Saturday and I would talk for 10 minutes.

Setting that boundary allowed me---it was for me that I did this---to let all other calls and texts go unanswered.

I stated the boundary to him and then I lived by it for quite a while. Thinking back this seemed to break the cycle of dozens of texts that were question marks and dots after I said I am through texting with you.

And it broke the cycle of call after call esbtibg me to tell him every move to make.

I tried saying I don't know to every question and/or I am sure you will figure it out...but I was still engaged and so he still kept it up.

He was relentless.

That is what it took with my son and I will tell you I was not detached at all during many of those days and weeks and I would comfort myself with knowing he was alive because I could see his name and web beside it on FB.

This is tough tough stuff but also having to get calls like you are getting keeps the PTSD-like symptoms ramped up for us.

I also put my phone in the kitchen to charge at night. If something happens in the night I don't want to know about it anyway---whatever it is---until morning.

Warm hugs. Hang in there.

 

[2much2recover]

Then I heard nothing for about 3 hours. Then he text, I wish you would just do the right thing. I didn't reply and probably won't hear anything until around 10:00 tonight. That"s when he usually starts when he wants something.

Childofmine makes a good point. If you know when the calls are going to start just turn the ringer off on the phone before they start. Anything can wait until the morning.
Actually I think you did a great job of leaving him to fix his situation. Each time you leave it to him allows him to see that you are not going to do anything about his situation - it is up to him. You are definitely heading in the right direction of laying the foundation of boundaries - bravo - and keep it up!

 

[BusynMember]

Hon, we sometimes have to discipline ourselves too and set boundaries.

Come 10 at night, put your phone away where you can't hear it even vibrating. If anything catastrophic happens, by the time you find out you wouldn't be able to help anyway. And, to be honest, with his lifestyle, you can't help anyway so why disturb your sleep and let his voice be the last thing you hear? Lowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww contact. You know he and girlfriend were thrown out of their place they were residing at. You don't know why. It is probably their faults. Now they both want a rescue from you. Unless you truly want to play this game again, why even give either of them the chance to try to guilt you out and make you feel terrible and lie about how bad a mother you have been when you have done EVERYTHING for him, trying to help him. Now his life is on his shoulders because he is too old to let mommy fix it. It won't help. You can't control him.

If it were me, I would stay away from listening to Son for three days. That's usually what I do and the crisis is usually gone by then. Is t here an up side to hearing him and his sidekick abuse you?

It takes time and thinking changes to realize we are not bad people or bad mothers if we don't talk to our adult children every time they call us, even if we know they are not calling just to ask us how we're feeling...they WANT something. We either learn to detach from the emotions THEY are feeling or we go down the tubes with them and are no go od for our other loved ones or ourselves. It's our choice. I hope you choose to live and have fun and not allow your son to ruin the good in your life.

 

[TerryJ2]

I agree:
" Ok...why did you talk to her? You should have hung up on her. She is obviously with him for a reason. She does his arguing for him. I would never speak to her again. She probably wants a free place to stay with you too. "