Still looking at residential

[InsaneCdn]

You DO have control over technology. You have the right to limit it and/or take it away entirely. Technology is not a need (no matter what our kids think.)

Sure it causes a big fight. Talk to the therapist about how to trigger the fight when you have back-up. Let THEM see what happens. Right now, your daughter has learned that you will back down if she fights hard enough. She needs to get a different message.

Look at it this way: she is addicted to technology.

 

[DawnMM]

When we had family based services, if I tried to trigger the fight for when they were here, and son would have been a sweetheart for the workers and then blown up 15 minutes after they left. I know you are reluctant to get rid of her computer because of her reaction, but I wonder what would happen if someone else did it, say the Internet company? My son was completely unwilling to do almost anything we wanted so rather than try to force him to comply we changed OUR behavior. YOU can reduce her Internet time by locking up the modemn when you go to bed and then plugging it back in when you get up. Yes, she will have a fit, if it gets scary, call 911. She sounds like she is addicted to the computer. Taking it away, "cold turkey," may be hard, reducing it slowly may get you a better reaction. You are in a difficult situation. Are her therapists and workers suggesting she be allowed to keep her computer and Internet?

 

[2much2recover]

So I take it you have not investigated what she is doing on the computer? To avoid a hassle? Hmmmmm................

 

[Drew64]

We live in a town home complex so we have some free wifi connections around us. She is smart enough to figure out how to get on the even if I turn mine off. She's playing mine craft and skype with her friends playing it. She loves st her only friend at school and the computer is her social life. Every time I try to talk about what we need to do to get her back her life she just shuts down

 

[2much2recover]

I've said how I feel and it's up to you to do what you think is best.

 

[Drew64]

I know what she's doing cause I hear her most of the day. Her room is next to living room so she's loud enough for me to hear her. I've also checked at times. There is no explicit stuff being done. It's her social life since she really had none v

 

[InsaneCdn]

Curious... why she had no social life to start with? That may be a clue as to what you are dealing with in the big picture.

 

[InsaneCdn]

As she is so protective of her system, this might be hard to do, but... in some ways you need to disable wireless on her computer. She should not be using it in her room. She can stay in her room - or come out and use the computer in a common space.

Once that is done, you can set up her computer to automatically lock her out at a certain time. She MIGHT be able to get around this, though - if she can hack into the admin account, she can do anything.

 

[FlowerGarden]

You could use the reward system. She can have an hour on the computer if she talks to therapist for an hour, etc. You are the one that should be in control, not her. If she gets out of control because she doesn't have computer use, call the police for help. There seems to be some reason she doesn't have a social life other than on her computer. I know how hard it is to say "no" because of the argument that it will start but she's not going to change unless you stop letting her be in charge. I've been there, having to step up and say no. It's hard. Very hard. But, it helped us get our son the help he needed. He's so much better now. Still has a bit of an issue once in awhile but thinks it over on his own, realizes what caused the problem, and will talk it over. He also does things for us, all on his own. He no longer stays in his room the whole entire time he is home. He will go out and shovel or do something else around the house for us without being asked. He stops and talks to us. He cares now.

 

[BusynMember]

There were always kids who were socially awkward and did not feel comfortable with other people. There are plenty of adults like that. You certainly won't find me at a party in the center of things. If I have to go to a party, I am hiding in the john with a book. I don't think that's abnormal. There are introverts and extroverts.

However, sometimes kids and adults with certain disorders CAN NOT socialize. I don't think the fault is that of the computer. I think if there were no computers the kid would still be hiding in her room. I did. As a teen I did not want to be with my family. I didn't like them (with good reason) especially my mom. And I was not particularly social so I spent a lot of time alone. Had there been a computer option, who know? The approach taken at the residentials I have seen would never have worked out for me, personally. I did not always obey and I did not engage with my family. But putting me in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) would have just made me angrier and more defiant. All kids are different. One size doesn't fit all. From what I saw, which was two residentials where kids were literally tackled and put into isolation rooms, I would have maybe become suicidal and felt helpless and gotten worse. I was appalled at what I saw inside the residentials when my foster care kids were there. I really tried hard to get their social workers to take them out.

To me, it was abuse. Of course, I did not see EVERY residential treatment center, just two. But I don't like the point system and I don't like cutting the kids off from family for a certain amount of time. What if something abusive is going on and the kid can't talk to his family? I don't like the idea of isolation and/or secrecy. I'm glad I was not faced with that level of disruption before my kids were eighteen.

I believe residential is most appropriate for kids who are too dangerous to live at home. We really don't have any other options and some kids plain hurt, sexually abuse or try to kill other kids and/or animals or both. That is how bad it would be before I'd put one of my kids into an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). I wouldn't do it for disobedience...and I didn't do it for disobedience...and it's not like I had no disobedience...ha ha. There was Bart...

I really don't know that this kid is so bad the level of residential is going to help. In fact, residential is pretty intimidating with no real statistical proof that it help. This is why I believe kids underage have the right of refusal. However, since it will probably happen, I hope all goes well for the entire family.

 

[FlowerGarden]

Drew,
Were you able to convince your daughter to be admitted today? Hoping she decided to go.

 

[Confused]

Also thinking of your family, how did it go?

 

[Drew64]

Well here is the update. She did not get admitted to residential. First she wouldn't consent. Even if put her in hospital they would not hold her because not in crisis. Not a threat to herself or or there not harming herself. Stubborn and defiant yes. so we had to meet with the school district. They weren't happy she wasn't place but it's not there kid. They still think she need intensive therapy. The person in charge of her IEP said she would ask her boss for 2 more weeks of home instruction which was denied. They felt didn't matter if she went on medications or had treatment at this time it would be a waste. So they recommended 2 more schools that offer intense treatment. We have to visit them and pick one or they will call child services for educational and emotional neglect. Don't know what the state would do. We just had case closed by them. There was a private school that my daughter said would be interested in since they deal with anxiety and she thinks she has it. The district won't cover it since not an approve therapeutic school. Even though cheaper than residential. So will have to see what the visits are like. My daughter was at meeting as well and heard all this so maybe will wake her up. I did ask if could visit another alternative school but they feel not enough therapy at it. I'm having the psychiatrist re evaluate her this week. Although he asked me if anything has changed since last visit 2 months ago. Other than less outbursts and some socialization not a lot changed. He hopes its not a wasted visit. She was open to going back on ADHD medications and possibly an antidepressant although I know and dr has said won't make her go to school. I want to try it and also find least restrictive school setting. Wish they would think about private school by us. They deal with kids with learning disabilities. Small class sizes. College prep. Summer program.

 

[FlowerGarden]

You mentioned she is open to possibly going on an antidepressant. Going on it may help her want to go to school. Have you visited the school by you that you want them to consider? I was wondering if they have said they could help her. If they feel they can help her, and your daughter says she'll go, then you can try to persuade your district to let her go there. I heard someone in my school district did that and won years ago. keep us updated on your progress.

 

[mjhawks]

Ok, I think I've read through all these posts. I'm not really clear on what her behaviors are aside from not going to school, and spending WAY too much time on the computer. And I assume that I am missing something here. So excuse my ignorance.

When she doesn't go to school, are the police called?

Why does she have a computer in her room? When dealing with teenagers, computers should always be in the common area. Any child really. They are easy targets for predators. Especially ones who are emotionally challenged.

Mine is addicted to the internet. I have locked all computers, PS4, kindles, and her sisters DSi. She has no access to cell phones. It started slowly of course. But the more defiant she was about being online with strangers, the more I pushed back, until we were on total lock down.

 

[2much2recover]

It does seem easier than sending her away but I believe she is being defiant to the mother who is disabled, the dad has to work - so they need outside help???

 

[Drew64]

I don't call the police when she did not go to school. They wouldn't do anything here. They don't even suspend kids anymore for missing too many days. Seeing Dr today will see how that goes and have an in home therapy session as well. Will see if participates since said was willing last session. Go to look at 2 more alternative schools next week.

 

[Confused]

Yes, the police here say its up to the schools truancy officers to handle it. I probably missed it, your daughter is being home schooled right? Or are they just sending work home while shes not in school? I know my daughter loves the computer too, can you get a limited time for the computer as in instead of unlimited, get limited? ( From the company-it will cost less a month too) I forgot if I or others mentioned this. Some have made a comment on issues with how the child is anxiety, to themselves, depending on who they are, any disorders, etc- Midwest and others you had the right words!!!" I cant think right now, sorry everyone. So, what Im saying is the computer is my daughters communication because she cant "interact like a normal teen" to be sociable. But yet she can sure type and interact with the other kids when shes in the mood.( See, for her, she just doesnt have the urge to use the vocal part of communication but her fav way is the computer. Her terms. ) The ones she grew up with she still has a couple friends that she emails sometimes which its better then nothing. Making new friends for her hasnt worked out, even re introducing the old friends she hasnt seen in years hasnt worked. But as you can tell by my sig my daughter has her issues so this is included in who she is. High school is just harder for some then others, esp some of our kids. Your right though, dont give up, keep the therapy going, let her know it will take all of you to get through this and that no matter what, therapy stays. Keep trying to get her out, even its just to ride with you to the gas station, what about playing computer games or watching movies with her? Do something she likes with her, of course she might say no for a while, but dont give up, keep letting her know you both are there. ( you do already but I know its frustrating after a while when you have done that and no response from our kids so we need our break too) Start little steps, this is what Im doing with my daughter. I know I keep reminding my kids the same, hang in there.

 

[FlowerGarden]

In NJ they don't suspend the students but have a plan in place for truancy. This is part of the NJ law "The attendance regulations (N.J.A.C. 6A:16-7.6), require each district board of education to develop, adopt and implement policies and procedures regarding the attendance of students, including the adoption of a definition of "unexcused absence," and the provision of mandated services for students with between one and nine cumulative unexcused absences and a mandated court referral for truant students, those with ten or more cumulative unexcused absences. Information and resources for the prevention and remediation of attendance problems can be found below." I looked this up for when my son was giving us a hard time about attending school. Usually it results in an IEP and home schooling, with therapy working toward getting the student back in school. Basically, it protects the student that has problems and geared toward kids that just cut school for the fun of it and for parents that take their kids out of school for vacations.
Hope the dr visit went ok and she participated in the therapy, too. Good luck with looking at the schools. Hope she agrees to go to one.

 

[Drew64]

We had letters sent home earlier this yr about her u excused absences. Didn't seem to faze her. Saw MD yesterday. Re evaluated her. He said he did not see signs of depression at this time. He felt more anxiety and ODD. My daughter did express desire to stay at home. He did explain to her that the state could get involved if she refuses any of these new schools. We had therapist at house afterwards but that turned into more therapy for my wife. She had a very emotional session stating tired of whole situation and emotionally drained by everything. By the time went to get my daughter she was in bed already which was about 8. That's her new thing. Goes to bed early and gets up very early like 4:30'and gets on computer with some friends before they go to school. I'm going to have to re do the home schooling schedule so that I am home for it. Stresses my wife to much when she refuses to come out of her room for them. Kid was open to medication at some point either ADHD when she starts at new school or an anti anxiety like Prozac dr felt would help. She already tried Zoloft and lexapro but said didn't like how made her feel. She is still manipulative though.