Copabanana
Well-Known Member
You are welcome.
Struggling to function
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New Leaf
Well-Known Member
This is one of the quotes that helped me
“Nothing changes, if nothing changes.”
Put it on your fridge.
It’s not to say that your son will change, but you can. Another quote “What you allow, will continue.” And this “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
Grief.
It is hard stuff.
There is a finality in grieving a loved one who has passed on. Grieving over the choices of someone we love, who is still living, is a whole different level.
It was incredibly hard for me as well when I realized that I had to stand my ground to protect myself and my home. I closed the revolving door. There was peace when my two were out. But there was turmoil inside of me. I went through all the stages of grief, anger, denial, depression, etc. There were days when I could not shake it. I would reel the tapes of them growing up, mistakes I had made, the what ifs. I think this is part of the natural process we go through when reality hits that we have no control over what our adult kids choices are. Everything in our being is screaming no! No! This can’t be! It feels like we are giving up on them. We are not. We are realizing that everything we did to try to stop the madness, control the craziness, did not work.
This is the No we need to hold on to. What good does it do anyone if we fall apart? What good does it do if our lives become a shambles and we live in despair, synchronistically going down the rabbit hole with our wayward adult children?
No!
By having your son leave, you are giving him his wings to learn from the choices he makes. When we house our drug addicted, disrespectful, abusive adult children we are not helping them. They do not learn. They continue to go off the rails and we make it easier for them, and our homes become war zones. We all learn from the consequences of our choices. We should not and cannot shield our adult kids from the consequences of their actions. Especially when those actions threaten our safety. By standing up and saying no more, you are setting healthy boundaries for your son. You are letting him know that his actions are unacceptable in your home.
Allow yourself to process your feelings, then work at rebuilding yourself. You have been through a lot. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Do simple things, have a cup of tea, listen to soothing music. Go for walks. Write. Cry. Let it out. Meditate.
You have value and worth. Your physical, mental and spiritual wellbeing is so important. It is your armor. Your focus has been on stopping something you have no control over. Work hard to switch gears and become a warrior and champion for yourself, your young son. Learn to fiercely protect your peace. If you find yourself struggling and feeling stuck, seek help.
Self love Mama. It is not selfish to take care of yourself, it is imperative.
Know that you are not alone.
Know that you will be okay.
One step at a time.
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf
Fairy dust
Member
So very beautifully written New Leaf. Thank you.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
This is what helped me change. I began to believe that I had the responsibility to be a better person. That I had work to do here on earth, and responsibilities to live well, beyond being a mother. And my son, equally, had responsibilities here on earth to be a better person. Not just a better son. A better human with a better life. And that if our connection was so corrosive it was wrong to continue it in the same way.
I had a bigger relationship to be concerned with and that was my relationship to life itself, or G-d. This enabled me to see what was happening to me in the larger picture. That I was living badly. And with that, I had control and responsibility. The agency was not only with my son. I had agency.
And then I was able to see that my son had a relationship with his own life, and a purpose to live, that had nothing at all to do with me. It was his purpose to find. With that when the pain comes, and it does, I can let it go. Because really, it is out of my hands. Like earthquakes and Tsunamis.. Even typing that causes the pain to come. Physical pain in my gut. The dread. The sense of threat and danger. But I can let it go. I don't have to hold onto it. I can "let it be." Because life is full of scary things.
But more than that, it is our responsibility to do what we can in this life. That is what I think now. And that is the place I go to. I try not to wallow in the pain and fear.
That brings up boundaries. I know now where my son needs to be located in my life. And that's where the pain, struggle and conflict are minimal. I can choose to say no. And insist that he, not me, is the person who has to take responsibility for the consequences of his choices. It's his job to find a way for himself to take care of his own, physical, mental, and spiritual well-being. There are resources socially to do this. All I have to offer are kindness and love. But that takes reciprocity.
Wishing I could immediately absorb your wise words and programme my thoughts to not automatically gravitate to what my son is thinking right now, is he holding himself accountable, is he thinking of me and his brother. I know this going to take a lot of energy and focus to shift those gears. Cycling through the stages of grief, sometimes all of them within a day is exhausting. In the short term my goal is preventing myself from phoning him or even those in his circle to get the low down on his whereabouts or insight into his mindset. Taking one day at a time. Long term the work on rebuilding my strength, my confidence as an individual and a mother, the health of my mind, body and soul. The peace and quiet of the last week has allowed me to look back and realise how profound the change in me has been. I used to be so carefree and now I’m an anxious, uptight and irritable, constantly waiting for something bad to happen. I took my youngest to the circus recently and rather than enjoy the moment, I’m carefully selecting seats close to the exit in case of a fire. I want to get back to who I was, I also know this is not possible until I’m able to detach from my eldest
I can see now, I’ve not allowed him to have autonomy, be who HE is, that he has the freedom in life to choose his own path. I’ve been insistent on him conforming to my expectations, my values and societal norms.
I am struggling with parenting mistakes I may have made and even confused as to what they are due to all the conflicting opinions of others well meaning family members/ friends. My partner and youngest sons partner thinks I’ve been too soft, but also the same man who wanted me to ground him for a week for not washing the bath out or for drinking milk out the container where he’d become so intolerant of him. His grandmother (my mum) has been very indulgent of him and in his younger years would go to hers and triangulate. She was a firm believer in positive reward, carrot and stick she called it. I tried this, even giving him money as a reward for attending school, even incentives didn’t work, I still ended up in court over his truancy and poor attendance. My partner was furious and said I was rewarding what were normal expectations. Left me totally confused and I flip flopped between methods, none of which seemed to be effective. My son didn’t have a stable father figure, which I know has caused trauma to my son which I probably tried to compensate for and felt sorry for him and responsible for reproducing with someone who was a shitty father. I was a young mum, pregnant at 19 but worked full time to support my son and did my best to provide for him and devoted myself to him.
ANewLife4Me
Let go and let God ❤️
I could only wish for all of us that this was a magical, overnight fix.
Agree so strongly with how you have changed as I have as well…made my anxiety/depression even worse and am constantly not at ease. Don’t be hard on yourself, give yourself a break. Small steps such as not phoning him or asking friends/snooping on social media. Just this year in addition to the decision to go no contact, I had to change my phone number, she has been blocked from my Facebook page forever now but, I know she has other accounts. Possibly take this step by step instead of trying to take the whole issue on at once. You are taking control, forcing him to leave your home. It cuts us into a million pieces because we are no longer in control of their life. And there in lies the problem, they don’t want to be controlled, they want to have their cake and eat it too.
ANewLife4Me
Let go and let God ❤️
I felt like you needed this today, it’s from Allison Bottke book. We did have a share of how we parented our children and added to this mess but, it was always with good intentions. Looking back on my own life I can pinpoint things, was an AH HAH! moment for me. I know WHY now I did this or that. This section of her book was an amazing eye opener for me. 
Excuses like these keep us in pain—and further from any real resolution for our children or us. What must stop are the ongoing (and often useless) discussions we continue to have with our adult children, who clearly know how to push our buttons, how to control us and thus control the outcome, be it consciously or subconsciously. The excuses must end. And as difficult as it may be to hear, we may be somewhat responsible for whatever part we’ve played—large or small—in the dysfunctions of our adult children. For some of us, the responsibility may be large. We have surely played a part—perhaps unwittingly—in raising disrespectful, irresponsible, ungrateful, selfish, self-centered, egotistical, and debilitatingly lazy adult children. We have played some part in raising excuse-ridden sluggards—“The sluggard craves and gets nothing, but the desires of the diligent are fully satisfied” (Proverbs 13:4). Does this sound harsh? It was meant to. I know some of you may be saying, “Allison, please don’t make me feel even more guilty about my parenting choices. I feel bad enough already.” I totally understand. However, if we really want things to change, it’s time to stop feeling guilty, take the spotlight off our adult children, and focus ownership of the issue on ourselves. The reality of what we’ve done and why we’ve done it may be ugly, but underneath it all is something beautiful: well-meant intentions. And it’s those well-meant intentions that cause us grief today. For years some of us have focused our attention (and worries) on our adult children. We’ve not only taken on the role of director in the drama of their lives, but the roles of producer, stage manager, dresser, caterer, financier, and scriptwriter as well. We’ve done countless things for them that they are more than capable of doing for themselves. No matter whether it’s a comedy, a tragedy, or a melodrama, it’s time for the curtain to come down on this act. This show is over. But a new production is on the horizon! We must replace our enabling behavior with something else.
Excuses like these keep us in pain—and further from any real resolution for our children or us. What must stop are the ongoing (and often useless) discussions we continue to have with our adult children, who clearly know how to push our buttons, how to control us and thus control the outcome, be it consciously or subconsciously. The excuses must end. And as difficult as it may be to hear, we may be somewhat responsible for whatever part we’ve played—large or small—in the dysfunctions of our adult children. For some of us, the responsibility may be large. We have surely played a part—perhaps unwittingly—in raising disrespectful, irresponsible, ungrateful, selfish, self-centered, egotistical, and debilitatingly lazy adult children. We have played some part in raising excuse-ridden sluggards—“The sluggard craves and gets nothing, but the desires of the diligent are fully satisfied” (Proverbs 13:4). Does this sound harsh? It was meant to. I know some of you may be saying, “Allison, please don’t make me feel even more guilty about my parenting choices. I feel bad enough already.” I totally understand. However, if we really want things to change, it’s time to stop feeling guilty, take the spotlight off our adult children, and focus ownership of the issue on ourselves. The reality of what we’ve done and why we’ve done it may be ugly, but underneath it all is something beautiful: well-meant intentions. And it’s those well-meant intentions that cause us grief today. For years some of us have focused our attention (and worries) on our adult children. We’ve not only taken on the role of director in the drama of their lives, but the roles of producer, stage manager, dresser, caterer, financier, and scriptwriter as well. We’ve done countless things for them that they are more than capable of doing for themselves. No matter whether it’s a comedy, a tragedy, or a melodrama, it’s time for the curtain to come down on this act. This show is over. But a new production is on the horizon! We must replace our enabling behavior with something else.
🥹 I truly did need this today. Is this from the book ‘setting boundaries with your adult children’?. I bought this book last night and is arriving tomorrow.
A bitter pill to swallow but acceptance that my parenting may in part be responsible is a reality no matter how well meaning I was. I’ve been drawn into many an argument where my son looks to shift the spotlight from his actions and absolve himself of responsibility and I’ve taken the monkey but no more.
A bitter pill to swallow but acceptance that my parenting may in part be responsible is a reality no matter how well meaning I was. I’ve been drawn into many an argument where my son looks to shift the spotlight from his actions and absolve himself of responsibility and I’ve taken the monkey but no more.
ANewLife4Me
Let go and let God ❤️
Yes, Setting Boundaries with our Adult Children.
Both of my children never have accepted their part of all this, we must not be so hard on ourselves. Our children did not come with an instruction manual when born and we raised them as best we could. In my case I went the opposite of how my parents raised me, my Dad an alcoholic and a Mom who lived to please him for fear of his wrath. I instead raised them to not do housework and run an entire household as I did, raised them with the fears and anxiety I had as a child. Just as with alcoholics someone along the family line needs to be the change….if not, the same patterns are repeated generation after generation. I thought I was raising my children with love, let them be children instead of forcing them to be grown up and being a child adult early on. I did the wrong things but you see? My past held a lot of clues to what happened. We don’t do anything to our children full of spite or hate, but with love. My children saw my weakness, knew my family history and took off full speed ahead. I was manipulated by little children and did not even see it at the time..Also the part you saying he throws all of his life choices on you, my kids do as well! I am even blamed by my daughter for being horny and having her. It’s not her fault she was born. Ridiculous and we are who she blames for everything in her life.
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If only our children had the same capacity to internalise their mistakes, like we torment ourselves for ours. My son appears to have no conscience or at least as far as I can tell.
‘I didn’t ask to be born’ - a sentiment that’s weaponised by our ungrateful, entitled teens.
The reality is if children of drug addicted parents or those who have been abused and neglected can make a success of their lives, there should be no stopping ours.
‘I didn’t ask to be born’ - a sentiment that’s weaponised by our ungrateful, entitled teens.
The reality is if children of drug addicted parents or those who have been abused and neglected can make a success of their lives, there should be no stopping ours.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Of course, we go into panic and control mode when they're going off the rails. Don't fault yourself for this. Who wouldn't want their adult child to conform to expectations and rules, to make a life of dignity and purpose that rewards them?
We are only human. That's all. Not more, not less. Nobody had a perfect parent. Nobody. Our children are now adults. They can go into psychotherapy, follow a spiritual path, and get educated. Do purposeful things to take responsibility to work out their problems if they feel they're problems. All of us have that option and responsibility. Once people are grown it is not their parents' responsibility. It is the individual's responsibility.
Lots, maybe most people don't have stable father figures here in the US. I didn't. My son didn't. Nobody had a perfect upbringing.
This is what is true:
New Leaf
Well-Known Member
I am so sorry for your aching Mamas heart. This is a hard road to be on, most of us here on CD have been where you are. You have taken giant steps already to protect the peace in your home.
There is no quick fix around it. I wish there was. We are programmed as mothers to sacrifice bits of ourselves for our children. It takes time and effort to work through the fog and rebuild. To recognize that we have done our job as parents. The rest is up to them.
Most of us suffer from PTSD. We have been traumatized in our own homes by what we have experienced with our out of control adult children. Stress levels are off the charts and we live in flight or fight mode.
I am not a fan of the buzzwords used by the recovery industry. Detachment sounded to me like cutting off a body part. The guidelines and psychological details describe how we got to the juncture of “enabling”, “codependency” and how to stop the craziness. It was a bit much for me to swallow at the start. Detachment. We didn’t cause the issues, can’t control their choices and can’t change who they are.
I love my children. But where that line got blurry with addiction and unacceptable behaviors, is that I was more focused on the outcome, trying to prevent the consequences, than they were. I bought into them blaming me, because I did make mistakes that ate at me. Of course I did. We all made mistakes in raising our children. We are not perfect. My two knew that pressing that guilt button would keep me feeling obligated to “help” them.
What I forgot along the way is that I raised them to be capable.
What I had to relearn was that love says no. This will not happen in my home.
You have taken that step.
That’s huge.
It took a long time for me to start the healing process. Many days I felt as if someone had taken me by the feet and shook me until I was inside out. It was years of being in rescue mode, trying desperately to stop the train wreck before I realized how deep in the rabbit hole I went. I was where you are at as well, wondering what my two were thinking, how they were doing. If they would survive. I was more worried than they were. It took time to replace those thoughts, to stop ruminating over and again over the what ifs.
There is no quick fix around it. I wish there was. We are programmed as mothers to sacrifice bits of ourselves for our children. It takes time and effort to work through the fog and rebuild. To recognize that we have done our job as parents. The rest is up to them.
It is important to give yourself grace. You have been through a battle. Your recovery takes work, but it also requires rest.
It is good to set goals for yourself and stop contact if that helps you stand firm with your boundaries. I have gone no contact at times for my own sanity.
A big part of healing is recognizing what has been lost within ourselves. There is grief in that as well. The fact that you see the damage, means that you can work to fix it.
Most of us suffer from PTSD. We have been traumatized in our own homes by what we have experienced with our out of control adult children. Stress levels are off the charts and we live in flight or fight mode.
You can get back to yourself. That is not contingent on detachment. You are in there. You are exhausted and raw, but you are in there. Proof of this is that you set a boundary and followed through. That takes courage.
I am not a fan of the buzzwords used by the recovery industry. Detachment sounded to me like cutting off a body part. The guidelines and psychological details describe how we got to the juncture of “enabling”, “codependency” and how to stop the craziness. It was a bit much for me to swallow at the start. Detachment. We didn’t cause the issues, can’t control their choices and can’t change who they are.
I love my children. But where that line got blurry with addiction and unacceptable behaviors, is that I was more focused on the outcome, trying to prevent the consequences, than they were. I bought into them blaming me, because I did make mistakes that ate at me. Of course I did. We all made mistakes in raising our children. We are not perfect. My two knew that pressing that guilt button would keep me feeling obligated to “help” them.
What I forgot along the way is that I raised them to be capable.
What I had to relearn was that love says no. This will not happen in my home.
You have taken that step.
That’s huge.
This resonates with me so much, fighting to prevent to consequences, shielding him from the consequences, how did I ever expect him to learn. He doesn’t give two hoots.
I’ve said almost in jest that I think I have PTSD but I’m thinking it’s true. I was prescribed antidepressants but they didn’t make a difference. It was like I can function well, hyper function in fact, I work hard, the house is spotless, I cook nice meals, I have great friendships and take pride in my life but I’m never relaxed, I fixate on things, always feel overwhelmed, whenever I’m out, I’m hankering to get home but feel unsettled when I’m here. I try to control everything I can, I write lists for everything, can’t settle until the house is perfect. My hair has even started to fall out but it doesn’t feel like depression.
I agree on the PTSD...I feel triggered often. Little things in the surface, but it is like a flare up of emotions, when things come up out of my control. Like when my great grandsons mom will say she will be back in an hour, then it's a day or two. Or I try to call and her phone is not on...or no charge. I mean we are raising her child, and she can't be reached! Then complain I don't communicate with her.
I get angry just typing this.
Ksm
I get angry just typing this.
Ksm
New Leaf
Well-Known Member
Active addiction is a super selfish beast. The drive to get high supersedes everything and everybody. After years of my two coming and going, money, heirloom jewelry, time, stolen, I began to realize that they had dehumanized me as much as I had myself. I was nothing more than an opportunity to them. It was a rude awakening.
Look up trauma response. Hyper vigilance is one of the reactions, as you describe your circus experience, looking for fire exits, etc. Our minds go into overdrive, cortisol levels rise and create health issues. Aside from the heartache of our adult child gone off the rails, most of us have endured episodes of violence and one crisis after the other. We are constantly on high alert for the rug to be pulled from under us. Then, when we take steps to set boundaries, our own minds play tricks on us with thoughts of some catastrophe happening to our adult kids. It is a vicious unhealthy cycle if we don’t take steps to stop it. Copa could elaborate more as psychology is her field of expertise.
It’s awful isn’t it, just an unanswered phone is all it takes to send your thoughts spiralling to worse case scenario, relief when you finally get a response and their not in a dying in a ditch and then anger because of the constant disappointment and blatant disregard. I’ve read your story on here and my heartbreaks for you and your great grandson and the comment he made about if mummy lived far away was gut wrenchingly sad. I hope you and your husband are finding time to rest and recoup.
I recently had a hypertensive crisis and have been put on blood pressure medication. Just read that can be linked to high cortisol. I wouldn’t be surprised.
When you mentioned my circus experience, I thought you were talking about my life in general but then read the next line and you were referencing my actual circus experience
