Talk about guilt--will this family ever heal?

[pasajes4]

You are going to do what you want to do. You are making yourself sick trying to ferret out whether kiddo is as bad as he seems. If you have to go to these lengths after years of him using drugs and being on probation for theft, and getting one girl pregnant, dating another, using pregnant girlfriend for money....... you have your answer. He is that bad. It does not matter what disabilities he has. He knows right from wrong. So unless you get some satisfaction from all this drama......Please disengage for the sake of your health and for your marriage.

 

[LoveSushi]

Terry, please don't take this the wrong way and I can only base my opinion on what you have shared here, but it seems that there IS something that you must be getting out of all this drama with your son. I'm sure you will talk it through with your therapist today, but this seems like a dance that you and your son are doing, and its just keeps going on and on. You threaten, he pushes, you cave, he backs up, you threaten more, he blows, you cry, then cave, and on and on and on. I don't know how you can do this over and over and over. What are you getting out of it?

Does H know about D? Or about the chlamydia? Our does she just think that you're mentally ill and that you're teetering on the edge of a breakdown? Your son has probably told them all, H, T, D and everyone else he hangs with exactly that you know and they may even believe it with all this dancing around and empty threats. Threats that mean absolutely nothing to your son because he KNOWS you won't follow through because you never have.

Please take care of you and your marriage, Terry. If you lose either of those, what are you going to have? *hugs*

 

[Childofmine]

texted D's mom to tell her that D supposedly gave money to difficult child and to not do that any more. I asked her to gently tell D not to do that. (I had to use the word "gently" because she's verbally abusive.)
I'll find out if D actually did give him the money when T responds.

Terry...I am saying this gently: I would stop all the texts, phone calls, emails to other people about your son, and what he did or didn't receive, and what his girlfriends did or didn't do. They are going to do whatever they do, regardless of what you say or what you want.

You have no control over anybody but yourself, and asking people to ask other people not to do things is....pointless. I know all the words, and all the back and forth, and all the drama...makes you feel like you have "done something." This is about you, not them.

Terry, I hope you can see here, from all of the other people who post on these forums, that the way back to sanity is to get help and start the process of stopping the enabling. Get back to Al-Anon and to NAMI. Make THAT the top priority, before anything else in your life.

I understand how beat down we can get through all of this. We form habits. It's hard to change.

Ask yourself: Is anything you have been doing working? Terry, it's time to change.

Warmly and with compassion, Terry. We are here for you.

 

[BusynMember]

I get the feeling that u think u can get to the truth of the things ur son is doing but that he can make obvious excuses and lies so u decide to believe it is everyone else, not him. U don't like when he yells at u so u let him do what he wants like buying a phone after u took it away. Who cares how he or d got the money. U will never know. The phone should be gone or else what consequence has he felt? He doesn't need or deserve the pictures and texts from his last phone. And at this point he doesn't need to finish school. He is halfway to jail. He can get his GED there. I'm still puzzled that u didn't tell h about the std. Makes no sense. Ur main focus needs to be for ur sake, setting boundaries, sticking to them, quitting the impossible quest for the truth and having a calm house. in my opinion it's time for him to go. He is escalating and u r in mental turmoil and none of us like to know the abuse he is putting u through. We care about u.

 

[Lil]

Terry, I've been reading and re-reading these posts and I'm quite worried about you. I know they seem harsh. It hurts to have someone tell you your child is on his way to being a criminal or that he's doing drugs or that you should kick him out. It's offensive and hurtful and terrible to read those words. I know this because I joined this board Nov 25, 2013, and I think I kinda was you then.

Some quotes from my first post:

m just lost. He was supposed to go to school and get an education and hopefully at least meet a little better class of stoner. (A joke – but you know what I mean, people who actually want an education!) but instead he’s just so out there. I don’t know what to do. Do we take the car? Do we stop his $ altogether? Do we give him his student loan money and say “That’s it. Do what you want.” He won’t listen. He says he can’t find work down there. He won’t come back and says he can’t find work here. But he won’t change anything TO find work.

I think I'm just not quite to the point of giving up and washing my hands of him. This weekend is going to be ... not fun. I can already picture him telling us about his plans and then us telling him why they won't work in real life and him getting huffy and/or ignoring us.

But the rational part of me says, buy him a bus pass, keep the car and cut him off. I know he won't starve to death; he can eat in the cafeteria. But I was a college student. It sucks to be penniless when other people are ordering pizza or going to a movie or whatever.

He's already so unhappy and I don't want to make him more unhappy than he is.

Terry, we tried everything we could think of. We gave second chances. We were lenient. We were hard. We put him in therapy. We gave him money. We cut off money. We took the car. We gave the car. We told him what to do and when to do it. What did it help? NOTHING! We'd say no more money, then give him some thinking it was "our choice". Well as soon as that happened of course he immediately jumped back to asking, then begging, then fighting. We take the car, but then give it back...with limits. He wouldn't actually follow them, just lie to us. Finally we'd tell him, "Do this and we're done!" But we weren't done.

Everyone here told me the same things they are telling you now. They were, largely, right.

I wanted to "fix" him. I wanted him to be successful in life. I wanted him to be normal and deal with life like a typical person. I wanted my life and his life to be what I always thought it should be. But, in the end we still had to put him out. Because after all we did and all we tried and no matter how much we wanted him to be different and we wanted him to be responsible and we wanted him to grow up, nothing changed. We were still supplying all his needs and even some of his wants and he stole from us again! Even after putting him out, we still did some things, gave him rides, took him food.

At least my marriage hasn't suffered toooo much - but my husband honestly has the patience of a saint where I'm concerned. Still, I know that I'm not exactly easy to live with anymore. I can be snappy and difficult and so weepy. He deserves better because I can't say he wasn't right when he gave up ages before I did and wanted to put him out. I couldn't though. I couldn't handle it.

But Terry, even in typical families eventually your child leaves. If you damage or lose your marriage what is left for you when that happens? You HAVE to take care of yourself and your husband.

I think as hard as it is for everyone here, it's harder still for moms like you and me, who have one, young, son. Because 18 is young! It's a baby! Except it's not. He can vote Terry. He can join the army. He can enter into a contract. He can go to prison. He can get someone pregnant. 18 is young, but it's an adult.

If he was not your son, would you allow him to talk to you the way he does? If he were your husband, would you stay with someone who treated you the way your son does? (I told mine once, that if his dad treated me the way he did I'd divorce him! He was lucky he was my kid instead.)

This is so very, very hard to get through Terry, but you can. You have to decide to treat him like an adult, set rules and follow them yourself. Is his having people over okay? Then he can. If not, he can't. Is his buying his own phone okay? No? Then he can't. What will the consequences be? Are they ones you can actually enforce?

Is there a line in the sand? Ours was stealing. We got to the point where our son was given no money. He could come and go as he pleased. No curfew. The only rule was he put his own gas in the car and the car was not to be taken overnight without our permission. And he was to have no one over without prior permission. With all that liberty, he stole from us. Because he didn't WANT to be a decent, contributing member of the household.

I think you need to find your line Terry.

 

[pasajes4]

It stinks to high heaven when our beloved children begin to unravel faster than a sweater caught on a fence. My soon to be 19 year old is going to be faced with homelessness when he gets out of juvenile prison I was on the fence about letting him come home. The last few phone calls have convinced me that "I" can't deal with his garbage. He is just fine with the way he is.

 

[TerryJ2]

Thank you all for reading all of this and responding.

Pasajes, love the sweater analogy!
So sorry about your son. That breaks my heart. I'm glad that the last few phone calls have convinced you of detachment.

I went to the therapist yesterday. She didn't think that the lapses in my memory were that big of a deal. (aka the laptop last week, and D in the back of the car.) "You're under a lot of stress." Yeahhhh ... and? I had just come from a massage so she told me to keep up with the massages. And I got my hair cut and colored Wed. She agreed that the missing pills could be either my memory or difficult child, but to keep things locked, locked, locked. She assumes I'm resilient so I guess that's why she didn't emphasize the memory loss or pill loss any more. I thought we'd spend more time on that.
I suggested sending difficult child to Outward Bound for the summer.
She said no, because he has anxiety issues and it might intensify his anger. After she said it, it was obvious.
And, he should be working. I guess that was a last-ditch effort on my part to send him away ... somewhere safe.
husband agrees that Outward Bound is a bad idea. He wants to force the issue of work.

difficult child has started taking Strattera instead of Concerta. Second day. Fingers crossed. Pleeaaaaase, no bad reaction! He's allergic to everything.
He is still good about taking his lithium.

He has done minimal chores to earn $ (which is going straight to D's mom for dr appointments) so I texted D's mom and asked her to lean on him and get more involved in collections. It should not fall on my shoulders.
Since he's into the give-to-get mindset, he has to do something for me every time I do something for him. Which is minimal, at this point.

I will be talking to husband about how to address the recent swearing and new phone. Unfortunately, husband is still a workaholic and my time with him is limited.
I bought the book about Living with Uncertainty that someone on the board here recommended. husband refuses to go through it with me because it's so into Eastern religions. He is very "Christian." Made me mad and disappointed. I'm reading it by myself.

We are taking it one day at a time, in regard to where difficult child will be living. It's entirely up to difficult child and his behavior.

And thank doG, I am finished with most financial things. Taxes. Medicaid paydown. Letters to dr offices to tell them Cousin P is on Medicaid. I just have two things left--my last court conservator report for Cousin P, and my last Soc Svcs report. Yaaayyyy! husband gave me some ideas, and didn't even get on my case about it. Usually, he's impatient and doesn't want to deal with-anything having to do with Cousin P. Maybe because it's getting close to the end. Cousin P has been a huge divisive factor in our marriage. I wish husband was more supportive. But last night he was better, so I'll take that as support.
I'm selling a lot of Cousin P's things on ebay. So sad. Wish I could keep her collection of teacups and other items but there is no room. And every penny goes to her old bills--the ones that companies won't write off. Only one biz left now and I'll just go to court if they force the issue, and tell that I'm POA and she's on Medicaid. End of story.

I'm planting 3 tomato plants and 3 ferns today, as much as my pulled hamstring will allow.
And I wrote a poem and an essay on Wednesday.
I'm going to buy some chocolate.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Before all Cousin P's stuff is sold, pick out something special for yourself. You have earned it.

Way to go on the writing... and Yay chocolate!

 

[Nomad]

So glad you went to the therapist.

I'm sorry that this is likely going to sound maudlin, but I had to pay my father's bills when he died. I noticed that some places were very cooperative once I told them he had passed away. They would ask for proof and then either reduce the bill or let it go. So, if there are any very large bills, I suppose you could procrastinate. My apologies ...I know this is sad and a little creepy, but it's the truth.

I hope your son finds a job he likes. I do think it could very well improve upon things all around.

Yummmm chocolate!!!